She was never around when I was growing up unless it was because she couldn't pay her rent and had to move back in with my Grandma or because she was tearing me away from home to punish Grandma for pissing her off. That never lasted long though before she was kicking me out into the streets of a strange city hundred's of miles away from home. Her drugs and friends and singing "career" was always more important than I was and above all else she was numero uno on her list. The hard part was that she was number one on my list too. I catered to her, when she came down with a bad flu bug I got up at 6 or 7 years of age and made her soup and fed her in bed and missed school to be there for her, when I caught the same strain she was gone. Out dating some guy or partying. There was always worse, she did, always something that she could use to cut me to the bone with her words. When my father died I was uprooted in order to help take care of her because her ex BF had died a week earlier. Now it's all my fault according to her that he died (the ex bf)... there was so much I can't even begin to explain it all. Now that she in her late 40's and I in my late 20's she has suddenly decided we need to connect and be closer, and in order for that to happen I have to change.
I always knew she resented my weight. She would make me call her Blue (her stage name) in public so people didn't think I was her daughter because "Your so big they will never believe you came from me". Then one day years ago she had a dream, supposedly where she had a vision that I lost all my weight and was dressed in all white and I was finally pretty. Because "you could be so pretty if you would just lose that weight.." was her favorite "compliment". Then a year ago she tried bribing me with a car, now this morning I get a call from her saying she will offer to pay for a plane ticket for me to go visit my 96 YO great grandmother but I ...and I quote
"if you get your act to gather and lose some weight I'll buy you a ticket to go see nana.... not trying to be rude or anything but I won't pay for 2 ticket's for you just because your so big and she is 96 you know, she won't be around for very much longer"
Does she know she's being cruel? Usually she's vicious when provoked or if she's disagreed with. I just don't understand how she can think that is an ok statement... Am I just being too sensitive? I tend to be a very emotionally open person and my feeling's get hurt VERY easily. Sorry for the whinyness.... I don't have many friends and my family tends to talk amongst them selves.... I don't want to tell the DH about it either otherwise he would get defensive of me and say something nasty about her and I would get defensive because... she's my mom...
I always knew she resented my weight. She would make me call her Blue (her stage name) in public so people didn't think I was her daughter because "Your so big they will never believe you came from me". Then one day years ago she had a dream, supposedly where she had a vision that I lost all my weight and was dressed in all white and I was finally pretty. Because "you could be so pretty if you would just lose that weight.." was her favorite "compliment". Then a year ago she tried bribing me with a car, now this morning I get a call from her saying she will offer to pay for a plane ticket for me to go visit my 96 YO great grandmother but I ...and I quote
"if you get your act to gather and lose some weight I'll buy you a ticket to go see nana.... not trying to be rude or anything but I won't pay for 2 ticket's for you just because your so big and she is 96 you know, she won't be around for very much longer"
Does she know she's being cruel? Usually she's vicious when provoked or if she's disagreed with. I just don't understand how she can think that is an ok statement... Am I just being too sensitive? I tend to be a very emotionally open person and my feeling's get hurt VERY easily. Sorry for the whinyness.... I don't have many friends and my family tends to talk amongst them selves.... I don't want to tell the DH about it either otherwise he would get defensive of me and say something nasty about her and I would get defensive because... she's my mom...