Is there a gracious way to deal with surprise houseguests?

[Rosalind]

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Yeah, that's how I was raised too. You give hospitality to people or else. Or else what, they never said. Bad things, apparently worse than uninvited guests messing up your bathroom.

But I was also taught never to accept, and to claim I allready have paid for the hotel room or I just ate a HUGE meal etc...
That way you're not rude for not asking and your not rude by overstaying your welcome.

See, we never had this part in my family. Not only are you not allowed to refuse a meal, but if you make any number of excuses why you're not hungry, my grandparents will continue to offer food, and then will make you a cup of tea and a sweet roll anyway. You don't get choices in the matter, it's just put in front of you within 15 minutes of your behind hitting the chair.

I think it must be a PA Dutch thing. My friends' parents did the same--anyone who walked through the door, ANYONE, was given a meal and a kiss on the cheek before leaving. If you said you had already booked a hotel, they would insist you cancel it, and you have to be outright rude before they will accept that you prefer the hotel to a pull-out couch. Then you'd get a lecture about wasting money on a hotel and hear for several years about what a wasteful person you are.​

 

[conroy]

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[SarahBeth9394]

If someone calls and says they are coming and want to stay at your house and it's not a good time for you tell them that. If they show up you repeat to them that you can't have guests right now and they will have to find other accommodations.

To me it is extremely rude to call and announce you're visit. You have to call and ask what would be a good time for you to visit.


If you know it's one of your rare days with your spouse just tell them you have a romantic getaway planned for that time so you won't be there to entertain guests. So what if the getaway may be to your own bedroom they don't need to know that.

I would never just show up when someone said they couldn't have guests. Ones who do need to be told "I told you I couldn't have guests now so you'll have to find another place to stay". Being gracious to someone so rude is just laying down so they can use you as a floor mat.

 

[The Chicken Lady]

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GREAT ADVICE!

All of the above and then some of the others have posted!

You are not Motel 6 and you dont have to leave the light on for them!

I would not worry about them bad-mouthing you. After all they are doing it to you and YOU, MY DEAR, ARE ALLOWING IT.

I agree with everything above. By hosting unexpected guests, you have set yourself up for this. You now need to retrain those obnoxious friends and relatives that are mistaking your home for a free night at the Hilton. If you need to, put a few of those lines on a piece of paper and keep it near the phone, so that when people call up about staying, you don't have to think twice about a clever excuse or response.

 

[Lunachick]

I feel for you Rosalind, and anyone else that has to deal with this. I have a nephew that drops by every Christmas with his 3 kids all under age 7.

Subtle hints don't work. This nephew thinks I'm the Christmas party house every year. I sent a card telling him "maybe we'll see you after the holidays - we won't be home, doing something different this year!"

Now after reading other people's stories, I'm getting worried. I hope he READ the darn card.

I think I won't answer the door. And I won't look out the window either. I just have to figure out where to hide our cars.

 

[luvmychicknkids]

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You could have always taken a cab to the airport. Just sit quite for awhile and they will go away.

I have done this, I know. Not many people will stand on the porch forever.

 

[Rosalind]

OK, the holiday cards say:

"We're glad that you enjoy our hospitality, but this year we had an exhausting number of guests and a lot of surprises. We'd like to remind folks to call at least a week in advance to be sure we are available to entertain before dropping by."

One relative who insisted on visiting (and extending her previously agreed-on visit, "because the roads are going to be bad on my travel days") was banished to a hotel AND had it explained in little words what the terms of hospitality would be--as in, if the roads are going to be bad, you can always stay home. She wasn't thrilled but seems to be putting on her big girl pants and dealing.

I really wish my house was sort of configured differently. We are right close to the road, the dogs announce visitors (we kennel them when we have to go out of town), and I usually do have to go outdoors several times daily. Mostly when people drop by, I'm out doing yard work or walking the dogs, not in the house. Wish I had a clear line of sight from the garden or pool to the side door, I'd hide in the pool house or orchard.

 

[horsejody]

You could always try SSS.

 

[luvmychicknkids]

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This HAS to be the single most reasonable use for SSS I have seen suggested yet!!!!!

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

I'm with you, Rosalind. I HATE it when people stop by when I'm out working in the yard. Usually I'm in my nastiest clothes, with no makeup and unwashed hair. I'm out there working! On top of being embarassed about being seen is disarray, my outdoor chores get pushed back and often don't get finished. I don't have lots of free time and have to maximize what I have. It totally puts a kink on my flow to have to stop and "visit" when I'm in the middle of a project.

One of my coworkers found out where I live and is prone to go driving in the country and "just stop by for a visit". ARGGG!!! She has even brought students by with her on her visits. I've been very plain about not really liking surprise guests, but she continues to drop by. I can't throw too big a fit as she's senior faculty (plus she's a really nice person all in all and I don't want to hurt her feelings). It makes me crazy!!! I never, ever just drop by somebody's house. It's unbelieveably rude!