Is this cheating? Need to vent

[jdywntr]

sorry you're going through this. my blood-pressure is up just reading about it, I can only imagine how you feel.

you don't know if he's actually physically cheated but you know one thing, he wants/wanted to. he's being dishonest and deceitful. try to keep that in mind, there really is no excuse for it. it's something he's consciously doing...if he hasn't cheated he probably will unless you do something about it one way or the other. just my opinion, good luck

Thanks. I worry that he has so I have a doctor's appointment next week where I have decided I will ask to be tested for everything, just in case. How embarassing but necessary.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Start setting aside some funds. I would sign up for a card or two in your name only. Since its your moms house I think maybe letting mom know only once you decide what you are actually going to do. If I were you I would get a seperate bank account and start having your check put into that. Get counciling for yourself, you need someone to help you work through this. I would also start laying the groundwork a speration. You can also get a room mate in the house. Maybe a 2nd job.

 

[jdywntr]

HeatherLynn, I have considered all of this at one time or another in the past. I don't want to stay down here anyway. I can't afford the house alone and my job hours don't allow for getting a second one. I'll need to see what my mom wants to do with the house and go from there. I need to see what I'll do with the animals. Crappy part is that I'm just finishing growing out some meat birds and one of my ducks is about to hatch some babies.

 

[goobhen]

IMHO anyone who signs up on a dating site and states they are not married (and is) is a cheater. Whether or not the act has been consumated doesn't matter to me. Only you know if you want to work this out. As others have said it can be done successfully. But you state similar things have happened in the past. You need to figure out what you want to do. I wish you the best, good luck....

 

[punk-a-doodle]

JDY, very smart on covering proof of emails, getting yourself checked at a doctor's, and starting to save in a separate account. Hope your mom and you can figure out things with the house. Therapy can be a great thing, especially if you have any worries about either getting stuck in a cycle with him if you stay, or if worried that the same will happen in future relationships if you go.

 

[jdywntr]

Thanks again everyone. I think I just really needed some impartial opinions. I appreciate your honesty.

 

[Kelly G]

Be tough. Be strong. You know what's right for you.

I'm just across the bridge...

 

[Czech's_chicks]

I have not read all the replies or threads but I was married to a guy just like this. Thankfully I divorced him before I got AIDS, but unfortunately, not before he gave me HPV so I get to worry for the rest of my life if I'll develop Cervical Cancer.

He was really good with the lies and explanations and rational reasons, etc - but DON'T BE FOOLED - just like when you see one mouse, you know there are at least 10 you don't see. If he is answering ads, you have no idea what he is doing behind your back.

I am by no means telling you to get into his email again, but I DID and found the SPAM filter was set so he could receive all sortsof stuff then would immediately delete things. Chronic email delting and text deleting are BIG signs.

I know how it feels to discover the secrets. The feeling of being lied to the constant worry about who or when or where - TRUST ME, I have been there and it sucks.

I DO think this is cheating. Any time you you get any type of gratification from someone other than your significant other or spouse it is cheating.

I am very sorry you had to find these secrets out and I am so sorry for the hurt this has caused. Like I said, I have been there and I can lend an ear and support.

 

[LilMissChz]

First of all, there is no such thing as "privacy" in mature, responsible marriage. There shouldn't be a need. And if there is, and someone gets upset for invading someone else's privacy then you have a problem.

But you have a problem anyway. You did need to check. Because cheating is cheating is cheating. If you have to ask, then it is. If you feel cheated on, then you are. If either of you violates your vows, in any way... mentally, emotionally, financially or secretly, it's cheating.

I'm so sorry, I don't want to sound harsh. Just not going to sugar coat it.

 

[Chemguy]

Sounds like my own situation a few years back....VERY much like my own situation. I'll just say that I'm very happy now, even though I would not and could not have chosen the path I took to get where I am now. If someone had told me back then that it would all be OK, I would have kicked them really hard in the shins. But, they would have been correct. To thine own self be true.