Its hard being in charge of everything at home.

[HeatherLynn]

Please don't get me wrong when I say this because my husband is great. I feel like the only adult at times. most times. He works hard and he does anything I put on his list. No list though and nothing gets done. I make almost all the decisions. I map out our future. I do the finances. I teach the kids and map that out also. I discipline. I know he works hard but I am worn out too. I feel like the whole family will fall apart if I have an off day. Actually usually they do. Its stressful and that stress is affecting my health, which is causing off days, which means the family falls apart, which causes more stress, which affects my health even more.......you see where that is going.

I talk to my husband. I want him to help make more decisions. I would love to stop having everyone only do something if its on a list i give them. I did the lists because no one was helping out and now its a permanent thing and they all seem happy not to think about another thing. I am so dang tired. I love my husband and its great he trusts me with all this but how do I tell him I am drowning. I have said the words " honey I am drowning" and he just tells me I am stronger than i think, I am doing great, i am his little miracle worker. Wow no pressure there. Sometimes I sorta wish for a single day when I can just be the wife and not the CEO. Just a day now and then. Honestly more would drive me nuts because i am not the obedient, meek, or following type. Sometimes though even his little miracle worker needs a break and not a break where I take one and come back to a disaster.

Ok done ranting now. I am going back to the bills.

 

[debilorrah]

Hmm. Heather, I invite you to please take a walk in my shoes, just for one day. Ken is terminal. With emphysema, no doctor is willing to state how long he may survive.

When we formed our household, I did the inside, he did the outside. Now he is no longer able to do the outside, at least not much. However he is able to do some inside chores. So I now mow the lawn, and he vacuums the house. Which leaves him in need of a breathing treatment. I would prefer to do it all compared to seeing him in distress.

I just today learned that mowing the lawn is a full body workout. All along, he has had the harder chores to do, and now I am learning that.

He can no longer work and we are waiting on disability benefits to kick in. I used to be the CEO and he was the President. Now I am the Owner. It messes with his pride.

Heather, be very thankful for the issues you have. They are not small, and can be dealt with. Pick a day in June that is Heather is not the CEO Day. And do NOTHING.

 

[Cheeky Chick]

Hmm. Heather, I invite you to please take a walk in my shoes, just for one day. Ken is terminal. With emphysema, no doctor is willing to state how long he may survive.

When we formed our household, I did the inside, he did the outside. Now he is no longer able to do the outside, at least not much. However he is able to do some inside chores. So I now mow the lawn, and he vacuums the house. Which leaves him in need of a breathing treatment. I would prefer to do it all compared to seeing him in distress.

I just today learned that mowing the lawn is a full body workout. All along, he has had the harder chores to do, and now I am learning that.

He can no longer work and we are waiting on disability benefits to kick in. I used to be the CEO and he was the President. Now I am the Owner. It messes with his pride.

Heather, be very thankful for the issues you have. They are not small, and can be dealt with. Pick a day in June that is Heather is not the CEO Day. And do NOTHING.

I like that idea, Deb. The "I'm not the CEO day". I would love to do that, but then I'd feel guilty for not doing anything. The only day I come close is mothers day, because it's sunday so my family is usually around to do my stuff. My thoughts are with you and Ken, I read your story yesterday. You are a strong woman. I hope I could be half as strong if God forbid I was faced with a similar situation. My prayers for you.

Heather, it sounds as if your husband loves you, but just isn't that "In charge" type of guy. I do everything around here, but while I may complain sometimes, I'm grateful for the fact that my husband has work, and especially in this economic climate, I don't have to go out and get a job. What I do IS my job, and I am thankful I can do it. What drives me out of my gourd is when he IS home, and thinks he's in charge.

It doesn't last long, but that makes me crazy.

 

[canesisters]

Heather, maybe you could try this idea. Instead of making out lists for everyone, have the family get together once a week and make out their own lists together. Maybe after dinner Friday night? Give each person a sheet of paper with their name, the weeks dates, numbered blank lines, maybe even a section of 'Do Every Day' and 'Do Before Next Weekend'. I've found that if it's just a blank sheet of paper that they list things on, they don't take it at all seriously and will usually loose it before the next night. But if it's a pre-printed form where they fill in the blanks, they seem to take it much more seriously.
This gives everyone a chance to discuss the daily work - AND to see how much goes on Mom's list..... I was shocked to find out that no one had a CLUE what I was actually doing - and thrilled that they volunteered to take some of it. When we sat down together and made lists right there in front of each other, I started hearing things like, "Wow Hun, looks like your Wed is slammed. If you'll sort the laundry before you leave, I'll run the washer when I get home." And, "Hey, why don't you let me take the dog to the vet on Thurs so you won't be so rushed to get dinner that night?"
Once the lists are filled out - POST THEM! And make it clear that everyone is expected to complete their list. Would also be a good idea to agree ahead of time on what the consequences will be for anyone who doesn't.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Oh everyone does their lists. Very willingly in fact. Its when I feel like poo or I am over stressed and just cannot take on another thing where things go wrong. For example, I had super bad headcold and asthma acting up. Then my mom falls again, and then my dad who is just a few pounds now from being underweight refuses to eat. He is depressed that day and doesn't feel like it. i am argueing with the IRS and Medicare for them both. I have scouts, more scouts, ballet, ballet rehersals and 2 little ones screaming at my feet who are going through insecurity issues because I am busy so much. All I wanted was for my husband to pick out dinner and lay the stuff out so i can cook it. And get the kids moving on their daily chores. I already had their homeschool stuff ready and waiting. Thats all but thats too much decision making. I don't even think i could go a day without doing anything. I feel guilty even taking my computer breaks in between cleaning and teaching. Its more I just would like someone to just tell me what to do, make some decisions for me. Odd request but I have so much on my brain sometimes just picking dinner is too much.

 

[Cheeky Chick]

Heather, maybe you could try this idea. Instead of making out lists for everyone, have the family get together once a week and make out their own lists together. Maybe after dinner Friday night? Give each person a sheet of paper with their name, the weeks dates, numbered blank lines, maybe even a section of 'Do Every Day' and 'Do Before Next Weekend'. I've found that if it's just a blank sheet of paper that they list things on, they don't take it at all seriously and will usually loose it before the next night. But if it's a pre-printed form where they fill in the blanks, they seem to take it much more seriously.
This gives everyone a chance to discuss the daily work - AND to see how much goes on Mom's list..... I was shocked to find out that no one had a CLUE what I was actually doing - and thrilled that they volunteered to take some of it. When we sat down together and made lists right there in front of each other, I started hearing things like, "Wow Hun, looks like your Wed is slammed. If you'll sort the laundry before you leave, I'll run the washer when I get home." And, "Hey, why don't you let me take the dog to the vet on Thurs so you won't be so rushed to get dinner that night?"
Once the lists are filled out - POST THEM! And make it clear that everyone is expected to complete their list. Would also be a good idea to agree ahead of time on what the consequences will be for anyone who doesn't.

YUP! We have a work chart up in my kitchen. All chores are posted, including what day they have to be done. All children have jobs, even the 6 year old. My job, after all is said and done, is laundry, cooking, animals, phone calls, bills, and driving everyone to where they have to go. My 6 year old has to feed the dogs, make his bed, empty the upstairs bathroom garbage...you get the idea. It takes all 6 of us to make the mess, and it takes all 6 to clean it up. My older sons do much more, and my daughter does even more than that. They also do NOT get allowance. I will not pay them to do what they must to take care of the family. They do get ice cream if they do extra, and every night everyone has to give me pushups (50 for the boys, planking for 1 minute for the girl) and afterwards they get chocolate milk (my devious plan to get calcium into them)

Work ethic starts at home, and at a young age. if they do not value work as children, do not expect them to want to do it as adults. My children like a made bed, clean clothes, and a house they can invite their friends to. They know I'm not going to make sure they have these things, if they are not willing to make it easier for me to do it. Clothes not given to me in the laundry? No clean clothes. I don't mind them not having clean clothes-they mind though.

Heather I know sometimes it's overwhelming. Especially when the kids are very small. However, if they can walk, they can help. Your husband should be on a chart as well. No more making a daily lidt-have it spelt out for every day. Adding things if they come up. I really can't do this-he's never here, but YOU can! Picking out food for you to cook? Order pizza, or put on the crock pot in the morning-by dinner time-it will be done-no muss, no fuss! There's so many delicious crock pot recipes out there!!

 

[MamaRoo]

Since you are the one making lists, make different lists.

Hubby does scouts. Oldest needs to start learning bills. Plan dinners for the week and get all the food together for each meal (all of you). Make extra every meal and freeze it so one day is "whatever you take form the freezer" day. etc.

 

[sumi]

Talk about being in charge. I'm in the same boat. Sometimes I don't mind, but days like today... When I got up this morning I discovered our freezer packed up. Ran down the road to a neighbouring farmer to see if he can help. He had a small freezer he's not using. Got home, got DH to get the car out so we can go fetch it. Got about 50m down the road when the car died. No petrol. And who got the blame? Me, who doesn't drive the thing.
We buy sachets of milk and I usually freeze some, which means when we open a sachet we need to take one out of the freezer. The number of times I had to drink black coffee... And the times we ran out of electricity, 'cause we bought some for our prepaid meter and DH "forgot" to put it in. Or we'll go to the shop, get home and found we're out of bread/sugar/toilet rolls. DH finished it and completely forgot to tell me, never mind remember to buy some.
The problem in our house is that the guys are so used to mommy manager taking care of things, they can't be bothered any more...

 

[justbugged]

I can relate. My DH has brought home a good paycheck for most of our marriage, but other than that he doesn't seem to feel like he needed to participate in making any kind parenting, decision making, planning, or the direction our family should have. But God forbid I should decide to do something he doesn't want to do.
I really don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I do understand.

 

[TrystInn]

Oh honey, I can so relate. My hubby is in the Navy and gone 7 months out of the year. The other 5 months out of the year, its a real pain in the tush trying to get him to do anything because he's out of practice, doesn't know where anything is and after all, I'm so good at doing everything, anyway. *thump*

Finally, I gave him a list of things to do, packed a weekend bag, went off to a girlfriend's house for a Wild Woman Weekend and told him I wasn't coming home until he called to tell me everything was done.

The call came four hours later: chores were DONE.

Poor man didn't know where I kept anything to make his dinner.

*drumroll*

Its all about proper motivation. If all those busy kids can't help you with chores, no more scouts, ballet or homeschooling - give them a taste of public school for a semester. *WEG* Or at least, threaten to.

P.S. I still had my weekend with the gals, I told him to order a pizza. I did have to tell him what pizza store delivers way the hell out where we live, though. He didn't know. LOL He didn't even know what kind of pizza I order for him.

Remember folks, he's one of the guys protecting our nation but can't figure out how to order a pizza but can keep a jet flying. Go figure.