Just Need a Rant (Trigger Warning)

[JustBabyMargo]

I do have something to be sorry though... I didn't actually need to share anything... I could just smile and continue on until the burden was lifted off my shoulders, which may very well be in death... I should just be happy I'm alive... that I was given amazing opportunities to travel and work with exotic animals and be more wise than most adults... I should just be happy with what I was given, I've heard of so many other people in worse situations...

You didn’t need to, but you did. You don’t think you need to live, but you are. It’s a struggle. No one is perfect. Everyone is hurting. The world is broken. Some may be in worse situations, but that doesn’t mean that you should just act like everything is okay if it’s not. Sometimes it feels like no one cares, I feel it too. But you need to focus on the things that actually make you happy. Things you really love. Like your boyfriend. People who understand and can actually treat you how you should be treated. You are much more than just someone who should be okay. You deserve to be happy and to feel love. You deserve everything this world has to offer you.

 

[Mrs J]

thank you, everyone... I-, the little things mean the most to me and just seeing that people reacted tbh almost made me cry....

that's why I'm completely blah about my sexuality and what not now... I just worry sometimes that I'm too masculine for him... and it's weird, switching like this after being completely male for two years and having been shunned by my family for being gay and trans on top of everything else they make out of me...

I'm not a good person though.. I hurt people... I'm not nice, I'm brutally honest... I don't want to hurt people and I try, I really do... but it never seems to be enough, and the second I stop trying, everyone jumps on me with something new to blame on me... my mother blames her lack of happiness and her sicknesses on me... my grandmother blames me for lack of friendships, there's so much hurt they've caused me but still I try... I don't want to give up... I love my life, and that's such a hard thing for me to say really. But I do, i love my life... even if, most of the time, I want to end it... I'm covered in scars of my own making and my mother chocks it up to me wanting attention or being addicted to "scarification"... my anger issues are terrible and I've hurt my siblings because of them... even my siblings hate me thanks to my mom....

I feel for you,

thank you, everyone... I-, the little things mean the most to me and just seeing that people reacted tbh almost made me cry....

that's why I'm completely blah about my sexuality and what not now... I just worry sometimes that I'm too masculine for him... and it's weird, switching like this after being completely male for two years and having been shunned by my family for being gay and trans on top of everything else they make out of me...

I'm not a good person though.. I hurt people... I'm not nice, I'm brutally honest... I don't want to hurt people and I try, I really do... but it never seems to be enough, and the second I stop trying, everyone jumps on me with something new to blame on me... my mother blames her lack of happiness and her sicknesses on me... my grandmother blames me for lack of friendships, there's so much hurt they've caused me but still I try... I don't want to give up... I love my life, and that's such a hard thing for me to say really. But I do, i love my life... even if, most of the time, I want to end it... I'm covered in scars of my own making and my mother chocks it up to me wanting attention or being addicted to "scarification"... my anger issues are terrible and I've hurt my siblings because of them... even my siblings hate me thanks to my mom....

No one can blame you for their unhappiness or sickness. I feel for you, I really do After all the trauma you have been through, I’m not surprised you have anger issues. Hopefully you can get help in the form of someone to just listen and understand you, give you a hug when you need one. Could you spk to your mum and express how you feel? Sometimes it becomes a vicious circle, and people get stuck. I’m sure that is through hurt and frustration. Maybe you could reach out to your mum and have a heart to heart, I’m sure she is hurting to. I really hope you get the help and support you need.

 

[Willowhisp]

I feel for you,

No one can blame you for their unhappiness or sickness. I feel for you, I really do After all the trauma you have been through, I’m not surprised you have anger issues. Hopefully you can get help in the form of someone to just listen and understand you, give you a hug when you need one. Could you spk to your mum and express how you feel? Sometimes it becomes a vicious circle, and people get stuck. I’m sure that is through hurt and frustration. Maybe you could reach out to your mum and have a heart to heart, I’m sure she is hurting to. I really hope you get the help and support you need.

I have tried... but my mother barely takes note and then goes back to her ways not even an hour later... I miss when her good moods were more frequent...

 

[Mrs J]

I have tried... but my mother barely takes note and then goes back to her ways not even an hour later... I miss when her good moods were more frequent...

I am so sorry to hear that It sounds to me that a lot of your pain and frustration, is caused by other people. Be the best person you can be to yourself and don’t beat yourself up…but most importantly, take control of your happiness. Be kind to yourself. After everything you have been through, I think you are amazing to even get through it, it shows your strength! Get the help you need and give yourself time to heal

 

[Willowhisp]

I am so sorry to hear that It sounds to me that a lot of your pain and frustration, is caused by other people. Be the best person you can be to yourself and don’t beat yourself up…but most importantly, take control of your happiness. Be kind to yourself. After everything you have been through, I think you are amazing to even get through it, it shows your strength! Get the help you need and give yourself time to heal

ha! three failed suicide attempts beg to differ with your logic but I am trying...

 

[Mrs J]

Hey, just a little thought ..when that dark cloud tries to smother you when you wake up in the mornings, play your favourite song in your mind, do your best dance moves and kick that cloud away

ha! three failed suicide attempts argue with your logic but I am trying...

And I’m glad you failed doesn’t that tell you something? You are meant to be here! You deserve happiness.

 

[Willowhisp]

Hey, just a little thought ..when that dark cloud tries to smother you when you wake up in the mornings, play your favourite song in your mind, do your best dance moves and kick that cloud away

And I’m glad you failed doesn’t that tell you something? You are meant to be here! You deserve happiness.

*sigh* alas that is my boyfriends logic as well.
I've been trying, which is difficult when my mother says that I'm not doing nearly enough and threatens to call the police on me and/or kick me out, and/or try to sabotage my relationship in someway... but I'm actually feeling better now, heh, about half an hour of just being held in silence by my squishy and one of my anxiety pills for my "in the moment" triggers has helped along with all the support on here...

 

[629522]

ha! three failed suicide attempts argue with your logic but I am trying...

I am sad to see you suffering so much. It's important that you understand that depression is a liar. Your mind can convince you that things won't ever get better and that's very discouraging. But having a feeling that you are xyz does not make it true. And you can ask yourself if it's true or if your thinking is distorted due to other things. As far as support it's important that you go to people capable of giving you the support you need. I'm sure your mom loves you but it doesn't mean that she can support you. And you are dealing with a lot of things she may simply not have any frame of reference about.
Please keep reaching out to your psychiatrist and consider some behavior therapy. They work best together. The medicine helps you feel stable and then a good clinician can help you develop the tools to give yourself the support and comfort you deserve.

 

[629522]

You may not feel it or believe it but you are stronger than you think. It took guts to be vulnerable enough to reach out. I appreciate that you took a chance.

 

[sourland]

Wow. Old straight guy here married 57 years to the human being I like more than any other that I have ever met. You are not your past or the deficiencies in how you have been treated. That's a bag of crap you carry over your shoulder to remind you of where you do not want to return. I have an adopted, Asian, pansexual granddaughter (not certain on these terminologies) that is working her way through all of this self identity. I tell her just be you and accept no limitations. I wish the same for you. I applaud you for unloading all of this and hope that wherever you find yourself grow in joy and accept no limitations.

I wouldn't get overly hung up on how you choose to label your sexuality. Really. It's okay to prefer one gender over another for awhile and then switch. Honest. The heart wants what the heart wants... and most of us simply want to be loved unconditionally. If your partner does that for you, then does it really matter what genitalia they possess?

Well said, and I concur 100 %. Love is ------------------