Just need to vent! (horse related)

[USMCwifey]

Agree agree...

 

[USMCwifey]

He is worried about money wise, but he's ALWAYS worried about money UNLESS it comes to him buying a lawn mower, a gun, or god knows whatever else he can spend more than $500 on a month. We recently received the $8000 for buying our house on time and we paid off a lot of our debt giving us about $300 EXTRA a month. On top of that all I'm in a line up for a job that will have a pay raise, longer days, which means more days off during the week! (instead of working 4 hours a week straight, I'd only work 3 eight hour shifts a week! Woo!) I understand they are a lot of work, I've been with horses since I was about 10 yrs old. My friends dad was very over weight and we use to be the ones that cleaned them, did the hay, feed them, ect. They had 8 horses, so yes... I know it's work! lol. I also know it's money, but we've done the math and we can do it! He might not be able to run out and get a gun or whatever else, but we can do it. They people who also have the horses said we could start off with just having them on weekends and see how we do from there. And I know if we can't handle it, they would happily left them back at their barn. They just know how much I love them and I'm the only one who ever goes down there to ride them and spend time with them. It's actually kinda sad, they get no attention what so ever and they are both very good girls! I wish I could get the barn stall ready by myself, but it's kinda hard doing so with a 2 yr old running around. The guy who had this place before us collected EVERYTHING and just let it in the barn, piles and piles of car parts. It's crazy! The door also has to be reset on the roller and the pasture area is all overgrown with vines, a bunch of knick knacks, and brush. It's a team work project for sure and I feel like it won't end up that way. I've talked to him before, told him how bad I want this, how I would even take up a 2nd part-time job if that's what he's worried about and again... I get we'll see.

I feel so let down I'm at verge of just quitting on the whole idea. My husband is a great guy and he's always done what he could to make me happy, but for some reason he wants nothing to do with helping me accomplish this dream all because it has to do with horses. Which I know for a fact he doesn't like. He's told me over and over again how he doesn't like horses and so on. *sigh* Awesome. Any of you guys wanna come help me horse proof a barn?!

 

[carolinagirl58]

Just keep gently working on him. Back in the fall, I decided we needed a good watch dog. My DH has been saying it for years. The 3 dogs we have now are house dogs and sleep like rocks, so he wanted a dog for outside. I researched and researched and settled on an Anatolian Shepherd. And then I found a great breeder and found out she would have pups in June. It took probably 2 months to convince him that we needed one of these dogs (he wanted a Rottie)! I work and make money and could have just bought it myself, but really wanted him to want it too because ownership of this dog is a long term committment and I needed DH to be totally on-board with the idea. I wanted this dog to be a welcome part of our family, not just something that I went out and did in spite of his wishes. That dog would be a 14 year long reminder to him of how I didn't give a crap about his feelings or concerns if I went over his head and just did it anyway. So now he's happy about the dog coming here this summer and he even decided that we should have livestock for the dog since he is a livestock guardian breed. I now have sheep and chickens too.

Here's what I suggest. Put it all down on paper. Show him the numbers. Show him how much exactly it will cost to keep these horses, and how you can offset their expenses. And then show him how willing you are to do the work necessary to get ready for them to come home. Maybe once he sees how determined you are and how you have done all of the homework to make it work, he will give in and be happy with the idea.

 

[jeepchick]

It's really nice the the horses you were offered are ones that you know....it's kind of too bad as well though because I would suggest as a stepping stone find a free lease horse as kind of a "test drive". If I didn't live so far away id help ya set up!

Sending online encouragement is the best I can do for ya

 

[Mattemma]

I would get them.Sometimes you can talk,talk,and talk...but then you need to just take the leap.

 

[jeepchick]

Also some food for thought...not to encourage you to be manipulative but....the best way to get someone to do what you want is to show them how it benefits them in some way...
Is you barn big enuf that after its set up you could board 1 or 2 extra? would off set some cost
How good of a rider are you? Could you offer lessons on the weekends? cha ching
Do you have a garden? Look at all the excelent fertlizer!!!!
Horseback riding is wonderful excersize...great for your core muscles, arms and legs..depending on your size and how you ride you can burn up to 200 cal. an hour!

 

[2DogsFarm]

I've gotta side with patandchickens - having horses at home is a lot of work.
And expense.
I do it alone & as an Official Old Broad it takes a lot of my time & income.

Since the mares are already at a place setup for horses why not leave them there and start taking full charge of their care while you setup your place for them to live?
I expect the people who have them now are setup with a hay/feed supplier, shoer & vet that you could use at your farm as well.

Do you have any family or friends that can help you get your place ready?

You now have a young child, which is different than when you cared for horses when you were younger.
You might find combining the 2 is more than you care to handle.
Or not - you can only decide that after you've done it for a while.

In any case, your husband wouldn't need to be involved in caring for the horses until your place is ready for them & you are ready to bring them home.

Hope it works for you, as having horses at home was always my dream too & I had to board mine for the first 15 years I had them.

 

[welsummerchicks]

My advice to anyone who wants to have horses at home, and has a spouse (or even kids) that aren't 100% yay let's go onboard - DON'T DO IT.

I know that you are angry that he isn't 'into' your dream, but he could say exactly the same thing. Perhaps HE has a 'dream' too - a fishing boat, a cabin on a lake to visit on weekends, getting a trailer and race car or dirt bike, and taking your son to races on weekends, taking a class nights to get a job promotion.

Spouses almost always have different dreams. One wants to go to law school so one works extra hours waitressing. One wants to have children and the other doesn't. It's never, EVER easy to work out these 'different dreams'. Love just doesn't guarantee that people will want all the same things.

Don't try to get them convinced. Don't try to tell them it will be so cheap. Don't try to squeeze through with the minimum. Don't assume your horse won't need shoes, will never get hurt, won't need special food, won't have costly accidents that require expensive treatment.

MOST people don't just want their horse to be a lawn ornament - they want to DO something with them. Go to competitions, trail rides, clinics, and that means a truck, a trailer, and usually, money for equipment, shows, lessons. To tell the truth, to be honest, just HAVING a horse sitting around - it's not very interesting. You want to DO something with them if you're like most people. So again, you're asking your spouse to agree to more expense, time that you take away from the home and your usual housekeeping duties, all that.

People who are not into horses, people who BEGRUDGINGLY agree to you getting them 'as long as they never have to do one single thing), people who don't have the feeling the horses are 'part of the family', if you have those, do NOT try to keep horses at home.

Wait until you have enough money to board the horse at a good quality barn with skilled employees, not the cheapest place you can find. If it gets to where you can't afford it yourself out of extra (I mean really extra) money you yourself make that does NOT come out of the common money contributed to the family.

WHY? Because you can get sick. You can get hurt. You can get sent out of town by your employer. And if you leave the horses home, SOMEONE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. People who aren't into horses are NEVER going to take care of them. Things are going to go wrong. Meals will be forgotten, possibly resulting in very costly veterinary bills. If you can't do all the heavy lifting or digging, who's going to put the fence in? Repair it when it gets broken? Shovel the manure pile into a truck to have it all hauled away when the county officials come in and state it all has to be removed? Sling around bales of hay when they get delivered or you have to load them into your truck?

Take it from someone who got hurt and couldn't take care of her own horses for a long, long time. Gates are left open. Doors are left open. Things are forgotten. Horses get hurt.

My horse was very, very nearly crippled permanently when she got caught in the fence. My SO was the only one home. What did my SO do, rather than just go over and cut the fence? He walked away, and left the horse to struggle to get free, which caused further injuries. A year long rehabilitation (no riding) with VERY expensive treatment, too. To top it off, the rehab required NO TURNOUT. And that meant all the OTHER horses in the barn had to stay in too, to keep her quiet. So I had to hand walk horses for 3 hours a day for a fair chunk of time during that year.

You know what else? THOSE UNWILLING HORSEY PARTNERS - THEY GET HURT. They begrudgingly help out, but they don't sit and pour eagerly over books and magazines and learn safety rules, and if you tell them they don't remember. WHY? BECAUSE IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO THEM.

If a person doesn't really DILIGENTLY learn about horses and how to handle them, THEY GET HURT. Our horse got loose and galloped past trailing a lead rope, before I could say, 'DON'T GRAB THAT!' my SO reached out to grab the lead rope. I had to jump (and fall, and get hurt myself) to block him grabbing the rope. Otherwise he most likely would have had his arm tore off. And the number of times he's spooked the horses and caused ME to get hurt, UNCOUNTABLE.

You have to think really hard about this. A person either does something willingly because it's in HIS nature and it's something HE enjoys, or it's a mess. Trust me on this one.

Don't do it. Don't do it unless everyone else is 100% on board yay let's do it I wanna shovel poop, no me I wanna shovel poop.

EVEN IF THEY ARE - lease a horse, take riding lessons, get back into it gradually and make SURE you still want horses. Almost all of us fell in love with horses when we are young. VERY FEW OF US still want to clean stalls and give up all our time and extra money to horses when we get older. A great many of us THINK we do - til it comes to hauling buckets of water to the barn in winter and shoveling poop when it's 10 degrees out.

The work never goes away - ever. It is there waiting for you every single day. Horses poop and need to be fed when you are sick, when you are hobbling around in a cast with a broken leg, when your close relative is in the hospital and needs your loving support around the clock.....the work never stops and it never goes away.

It is a burden, to be frank. To have horses at home, you give up a great many things. You just don't have that freedom. You have to think, 'Oh I have to go home and feed' every time you stop at a store on the way home, every time you stop to chat with someone - you have to think, 'Oh, I can't, I have to go home and feed'. No matter what the weather, rain, cold, boiling heat, you have to feed, clean stalls, let horses in and out....and to stay healthy, they need exercise too. Not just standing around in a paddock or pasture.

Unless you have had horses for many years, I really don't recommend you assume you will enjoy it or adjust to it. Most of my friends did it for a year, and then lost their minds, 'I'VE HAD IT!!!!!'

Go get riding lessons. Lease a horse at a riding stable. Go to equestrian competitions. Volunteer for your local riding club.

Best case scenario - hubby sees over the course of a year or two and decides that if you really love it, he'll join in and make it a do-able, fun adventure. But I guarantee most men will NOT, just on your say so. They are going to want to see that you have a sustained interest, know what you're doing, and aren't going to get the horses and then not like the work. Having horses at home is a he** of a lot of work.

Preparing a property to be 'horse ready' is NOT as simple as putting up some fence. MOST properties are way too small to have horses on, and don't drain well enough - put horses on 'em and they turn into a stinking mud hole year round. The grass gets all eaten down, there are holds from the hooves from the wet season, the grass gets replaced by shrubs and weeds.

It can destroy a property - horses are large, heavy, hoofed animals and they are famous for causing erosion, polluted runoff - and mud. Mud mud mud. You want to have an EXPERT come out and look at your property and tell you if it's even possible. It probably isn't - unless the lay of the land and drainage patterns allow for it.

A good many people ride all the time, and have never owned a horse. We have had people at every boarding barn I've ever gone to who ride people's horses for them. Not everyone can get to the barn every day. This is often free or even the person gets paid to do it if they ride well. That's an option.

I promise you, it will be a miserable, miserable situation if you wheedle him into it. Don't do it. There will be unexpected expenses, and you NEVER want to be in the situation where your horse needs emergency medical care and someone says, 'That's too expensive, my grandparents were farmers and they never spent that much on their horses. I don't want to pay for it - let the horse die'.

You think it won't happen? Guess again. I've watched my woman friends for 40 years, be told they can't get medical care for their horse, can't get special food or shoes the horse needs, can't use the truck to haul the horse to a competition, you name it, it's happened, and happened awful frequently.

You'll need help, and the whole agreement will be that no one ever has to help you.

 

[jeepchick]

Wellsummerchicks you are exactly right about the unexpected expenses....The first week I had my "free lease" horse I went out to feed in the morning and he was covered in blood...Apparently sometime dutrring the night he had gotten by bitten by something like a dog or a coyote. $500 in vet bills and 2 weeks of antibiotoics later he was healed and feeling better. My budget was not so good. We now have an emergency fund squirled away for such things....i recomend everyone have emergency vet money if you can. Things as a first horse owner I didn't account for was how expensive tack is. If you arent too worried about how showy it is you can find some super deals at used tack stores tho. Other things I didnt account for spending $ on was stuff like wormers, treats that I like to get them, repairing the electric fence when the darn dogs rip through the field and bounce into it. I ended up having to rewire the outlet to the paddock lights too and that was $$$$$

Your finances are your business and if you can safely account for all the things peeps are telling you about i still say go for it! I worked at a horse farm when I was younger and no offense to all you horse people out there but there was so much teenager girl drama there all the time....I would NEVER want to deal with that crap now as an adult. Not saying thats true of all barns or even a good majority of them but thats just my personal choice. I love it that I can throw on my muck boots in PJs and go feed my own horses and give them my attention even if I am not able to ride that day. It is worth the extra work to me. And with the rising gas prices (now over $4/gal for regular here) If I was boarding and paying for a quality facility, plus the expenses of the oter not included things, tack, AND driving to the barn not sure youd be saving any $ anyways.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

I think welsummer makes a superb point. A previous posters comment that just taking action may backfire (ie. Husband sees horse as a negative symbol of his thoughts or feelings being ignored) is definitely something to consider too. You know your husband and situation much better than us, so maybe you absolutely know that your husband would take care of your horses if you couldn't.

For me, personally, I absolutely hate finding out I am acting in a manipulative manner, or that I'm being manipulated. For me, if I felt I had to act in a manipulative manner to be able to pursue something that was reasonably within my financial and time limits (and definitely, make sure that these horses are. It sounds like they aren't going anywhere, which gives you time to fully work things out), then that would be a red flag to me that something was amiss, be it with a friend, family, or spouse. I then would personally try to deal directly with that issue, and either work with the person to fix problems, or if that failed...get myself out of a situation where undue control is being exerted over me. And I have done so . But that is me. Others do not feel the same way about manipulation, or marriage, as i do. For instance, some see marriage as a man protecting and providing for a woman, some see it as a business decision where both parties try to profit, others see it as a move to have security for the future. From your post though, it sounds like it is important to you that a husband includes you in his decisions (ie. The gun over the mantle), and whom you feel you can include in yours. If so, this is important to clearly make known and work towards.

Wish you all the best, both with the horses and in happiness.