Ken, Work, Fear, etc.

[sred98]

Quote:
Yes, but you and I at 20 were probably completely different people than our kids are at 20.

They are way more self-absorbed than we were. Notice I say self-absorbed, not self-centered. There is a difference.

It doesn't cross their mind that we need help, because we have always done it all.

How is this different? We just have to remind them. Constantly. That we need some help. You can't expect them to know what we want and need. We've been doing it ALL for 20 years. For all they know the Dishes Fairy comes and does the dishes at night, and the Laundry Fairy does all the laundry!

You know what I mean! LOL!

Plus, I hate to break it to you...but your son is.....a GUY!!! Gasp!

They just don't think about things like that unless you spell it out for them. I am not bashing men. They just aren't wired that way. They are problem solvers aka fixers. They don't anticipate. We tell them the problem "I need the dishwasher loaded and run" and they fix it. Women are the nurturers. They anticipate problems and take care of them before it gets to the breaking point. Men seem to need that breaking point, because once it's broken, they can fix it!

My DH and I have had long discussions about this. I know now to tell him exactly what I want or need. Your son sounds like he's the same way. Your son isn't lazy, he just isn't focused. He was probably the same way in school.

After my DH and I discussing these things, our marriage has gotten a lot better. I can't expect him to ever anticipate anything that I need. Even when I specifically ask for something, he'll still decide I really need something else more. Which is why I ended up with a possessed GPS system this Christmas, instead of the Kitchen Aid mixer I've been asking for the past 15 years!

Definitely do the "Me Time". If I were closer, I'd come and make you go somewhere with me! Even if it was just out to the botanical gardens or aquarium. Just an escape. A museum would be nice, too! Do you have any friends close by that can go with you?

Shelly

 

[Cetawin]

Darling lady....take a deep breath and tell the idiot at work to think before s/he opens their mouth to demonstrate how stupid they are then move on to an important issue...that 20 year old....time to tell him to get off his butt and help out or a: get a job and move out on his own b: stay, do nothing and do not eat or c: come live with me and regret being a PITA to his mother.

You have enough on your plate, emotions and mind right now...you do not need the nonsense of a grown child that needs to grow up...tough love baby.

Remember we love the great yappy and are here for you.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Yes, but you and I at 20 were probably completely different people than our kids are at 20.

They are way more self-absorbed than we were. Notice I say self-absorbed, not self-centered. There is a difference.

It doesn't cross their mind that we need help, because we have always done it all.

How is this different? We just have to remind them. Constantly. That we need some help. You can't expect them to know what we want and need. We've been doing it ALL for 20 years. For all they know the Dishes Fairy comes and does the dishes at night, and the Laundry Fairy does all the laundry!

You know what I mean! LOL!

Plus, I hate to break it to you...but your son is.....a GUY!!! Gasp!

They just don't think about things like that unless you spell it out for them. I am not bashing men. They just aren't wired that way. They are problem solvers aka fixers. They don't anticipate. We tell them the problem "I need the dishwasher loaded and run" and they fix it. Women are the nurturers. They anticipate problems and take care of them before it gets to the breaking point. Men seem to need that breaking point, because once it's broken, they can fix it!

My DH and I have had long discussions about this. I know now to tell him exactly what I want or need. Your son sounds like he's the same way. Your son isn't lazy, he just isn't focused. He was probably the same way in school.

After my DH and I discussing these things, our marriage has gotten a lot better. I can't expect him to ever anticipate anything that I need. Even when I specifically ask for something, he'll still decide I really need something else more. Which is why I ended up with a possessed GPS system this Christmas, instead of the Kitchen Aid mixer I've been asking for the past 15 years!

Definitely do the "Me Time". If I were closer, I'd come and make you go somewhere with me! Even if it was just out to the botanical gardens or aquarium. Just an escape. A museum would be nice, too! Do you have any friends close by that can go with you?

Shelly

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do have some friends havent reached nearby. I just havent reached out..... For some reason I feel closer to people on BYC.....

 

[insiderart]

Ok Deb, 911 is right around the corner. You know you will speak to Ken several times a day, if anything sounds amiss, YOU can call 911 and they'll be there in less than 2 minutes. Now, you can have the regular worries about Ken i.e. "what is wrong? why don't we have a diagnosis?", BUT.. and this is a big but (nooo not butt..) relieve yourself of worrying yourself sick about what he is doing every second while you are at work. It is doing nothing but destroying you.

Now as far as DS, I have realized with DD (who has ADD the same as I do) that if I ask her to do (blah blah blah stuff) she just cannot do it. But, if I make a specific list she can handle it fine. So just make a list for him, I bet he won't mind to help. But be specific, 1. wash and dry towels and washcloths 2. fold towels and washcloths 3. put them away.... Then just say to him nonchalantly, "Oh DS, with Ken being so ill and work slamming me I really need your help right now, here's what I need you to do today. (Hands over list.) Thanks ever so much, smooch."

Now take a deep breath! *big hugs*

 

[PortageGirl]

I learned when I’ve had problems, that asking friends for help, reaching out to them is a gift you can give to THEM. Consider how often you’ve felt helpless when a friend goes through trouble and you don’t know what to do to help them. A few things off your plate thanks to the kindness of others, can give you even a little more rest and peace of mind which will go a long way to your health and the health of your family.

As for your 20 year old boy (yep, still a boy…) Lists! Not too long, but several well chosen things, in writing, where he cannot lose it, might help. Notice I said –might- !! But it’s worth a try and you can jot things down when you’re mind is racing which might help clear things for you.

 

[jjdward]

Will these work?

 

[English Chick]

Debs...

.............. You are making yourself ill and we will not have that here on BYC......

First and foremost is that you must remain well and functional... you cannot do that worrying about everything and everyone..... You must keep well for Ken's sake or he will start worrying about you and the whole viscious cirle begins and no-one can get off.

Over the week-end... take some me time.. go for a drive alone... have your hair done... get a massage... anything that allows you pamper time to yourself..... then go back and pack a small picnic... you and Ken go off and enjoy that picnic..... relax.....

When you come back, think about the things that YOU need doing for YOU ... make your son a daily list... don't give him a week's worth on one sheet of paper... give him daily lists and TELL him it is necessary that these thing are done before you arrive home from work......

We know it and you know it, that you cannot keep this pace up without becoming totally stressed out and becoming ill.....

Now do as we tell you and fight back..... the chain of command needs to shift for a while.......

......

As for the peole upsetting you at work. when it happens to me... I just put the phone on the desk and let them ramble on to themselves until they shut up and let me speak...... works everytime..... or if they are being really rude, I usually say.." tell me would you like someone to speak to your wife, daughter, mother the way you have just spoken to me?" ...... they then go very very quiet .......

Now go on and get some "me time" ...... luvs ya xxx

 

[Camelot Farms]

and

 

[sred98]

Of course you feel closer to people on BYC! We are awesome!!!

Seriously, you need to make a date with one of these friends for some serious "Girl Time" and just get away for even an hour or two.

Plus, there is the sense of anonymity here. And, if you're bawling your eyes out while writing this, or over nothing in general, none of us are there to physically see it. KWIM? You can pour your heart out, yet still have some semblance of privacy.

But, you need to reach out to some of your other friends. BYC friends are great, but sometimes you need a physical hug, not a cyber hug.

But we'll give them to you anyway!

You already sound a lot less stressed than you did in your first post. Sometimes getting a little perspective and seeing other options changes everything. It won't stop you worrying about Ken, because right now, that is out of your control.

It will be until you get a firm diagnosis.

But, the jerks at work...you can vent to your friends about that! Everyone does that! Let off some steam and gripe about it. You'll feel better, and they might have some ideas for how to deal with them. However, I

EC's comment about "if they are being really rude, I usually say.." tell me would you like someone to speak to your wife, daughter, mother the way you have just spoken to me?" ...... they then go very very quiet ......." That is a perfect thing to say!

The son, he's easy to deal with. I don't know about the lists, though. Great ideas in theory, but at 20, they like to think of themselves as adults, even though they are sitting around collecting dust right now. Picking one or two chores that are backing up might be the way to go. Enough to reduce your stress, but not enough to make them feel like they are 13 years old again. JMHO.

Your next post I want to hear about how you called one of your friends and have a lunch date!

Shelly

 

[Hoosiermomma]

I agree with all the pp's. You definately have to set time aside for 'you' each day. It's a necessity at this point for you to keep your sanity as well as your health. You will be no good to Ken or your son if you get sick. Your immunity at this point is probably really low b/c of all the stress. You need to take a step back and breathe!!!!!!!!!!!! And as always you know you have BYC to come to for support, hugs, etc. Put you first for awhile!!!!!