Kind of PO'd and upset, friend who is Bi-Polar

[lockedhearts]

I have a friend that lives 450 miles from me, she is Bi-Polar. After 15 + years I am used to the mood swings, depression and general nuttiness.
She is getting older , doesn't drive and her son is a complete jerk and doesn't care about her.
I had mentioned to her a few months ago about moving up here, if she wanted to, told her we could build a small "apartment" on our property and we could look after her, I could make sure she stayed on her meds and she'd have people to talk to daily and a way to go. I even paid to talk to my attorney about the money she would get if she sold her place and how to keep it safe but her be able to access it.

I generally hear from her at least every week, I had heard nothing for 2 weeks, kept getting the recorder. My parents live near her but are traveling, of course I was panicking.
I finally emailed a friend of hers that lives in TX. My friend was Baker Acted, which has happened before. Then this friend in TX , who doesn't know me at all, blasts me for being the cause of my friend's problems! She says it's all your fault, stop asking her to move, it is putting undue stress on her.

Anyone who knows anything about Bi-Polar and depression should know that when the meds are off, the stories told to one person are likely not the same as told to the next person. I blasted back at this girl, honestly my one goal was to take care of my friend and truly it would have been a bit of a hardship on hubby and I to have her here, but I was willing to do that, in her best interest.

Now I feel somewhat po's and a little betrayed. I almost feel like just walking away and the next time she calls me for help (usually financial) just saying no.

Sorry for being so long, I really just needed to vent.

 

[okiemommy]

I'm sorry that this happened. I don't really have an words of wisdom, but I do know how it feels to have someone like that in your life, and it is a roller coaster ride for sure.

 

[geckomama]

 

[Buff Hooligans]

You are not responsible for the mental, financial or emotional health of a congentially mentally ill person. There are agencies and mental health advocates who can help her.

Try to gently remove yourself from contact, either by ignoring phone calls or e-mails, or keeping any communication general and unemotional.

DO NOT get further tangled up with this web of unhealthiness. It probably goes against your helping, nurturing nature, but you will get used up and spit out.

 

[pdsavage]

Some times its best to let go,we can't help everyone.
Find a local elderly person who is lonley and visit/help them.

Just tell your friend sorry you tried to help but you now feel that she has a friend local who seams to want to help her and this friend think they can help her better since they are closer.And that she should ask her local friend to help her as you dont feel you can because of the distance.

edit to add:But don't forget her send a cards like b-day,winter holidays,easter and thanksgiving ect ect

 

[lockedhearts]

I know I need to distance myself from her. She was a good friend years ago when she was more in control of herself. Taught me tons about horses and showing them.
But I have my own life and I really can't deal with the stress from listening to her woe is me and pity parties all the time.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughtfullness and kindness here. I think Chicken People are the most Kind People in the world.

 

[ninjapoodles]

I just wanted to share the best online source going for friends/loved ones of those with bipolar disorder: www.bpso.org. There is a listserv associated with the site that has been my salvation on many occasions.

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the machinations of this disease, but I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with sometimes.

Another resource, just for kind of getting a peek into mental illness, is www.realmental.org, to which I occasionally contribute.

These are complex, layered issues, and those of us with what I call the "fixing" gene can really get sucked in. It's very difficult to separate the disease from the person, and it's REALLY hard not to get caught up in screening totally irrational behaviors through our own, rational, filters.

 

[Buff Hooligans]

It's tough when you remember the mutually beneficial times. But remember that each person is on their own course, their own path. Sometimes your paths meet up and stay parallel, and sometimes a path gets all twisted. You can't help that other person's path. You need to take care of yourself on your own path.

 

[sred98]

I just wanted to say what an amazing friend you are.

Odds are, this "friend" of hers, is probably mentally ill, too. Or, simply jealous that she talked about you so much. Or even both. I had a friend who was bi-polar (she died in a fire a long time ago) and went through a lot of similar things, so I kind of "get" where you area. :aww When my friend was on her meds, she was the absolute best and would do anything for you. When she was off, she would disappear, run all over town (KWIM) and call me up at all hours of the night and ramble on for hours.

You have to decide if you need to end the relationship, or not. I often wonder if we would still be friends if she was still alive, but never came to a conclusion. You have to figure out if you are still friends with her because you are trying to fix her or need to take care of her. Or, if you truly enjoy her company and are a true friend to her, rather than a mother figure.

I hope this is coming across right, because I don't want you to feel like I am trying to tell you what to do, or sounding judgmental! I have just been there and think that you need to take what the friend said, very lightly and wait until you can talk to your friend yourself. I know this is a hard thing you are going through right now, and I just want you to know that you have a huge heart for doing this. Is there any way you can visit her? Or, send her a plane ticket to come and visit you when she gets out. Sounds like this friend is damaging to her psyche. I hope this turns out well for you.

Shelly

 

[lockedhearts]

I guess the thing that really got me, was this other "friend" not realizing that perhaps what Sue had told her about it being my fault may or may not be true.
I am not accustomed to being blasted, especially when I am worried to death that my friend might be dead in her house and no one thought to check on her.

My Great Aunt also suffers from this, my poor mother had to deal with her for years as she lived next door to her. I used to tell my mom to call my cousin (her daughter) Mama finally had enough, called my cousin and said, "You need to deal with her, I can't"

I guess I should have taken my own advice. Her son should step up and deal with this, he is a selfish, uncaring SOB. I know this for a fact, I have called him before when she talked to me over the phone about suicide, being this far away it was hard to gage if she was serious or not. Her son calls the cops and says, my mom is talking about suicide, go over and check on her. He lived less than 15 minuted from her.......