Kind of PO'd and upset, friend who is Bi-Polar

[mom'sfolly]

Dealing with a person who has mental illness is awful. They can be incredibly manipulitive. As a child of a parent with bi-polar disorder, I think you should cut the son a break. Maybe he seems like an uncaring SOB, but maybe he has had to distance himself from his mother and her illness. My brother has very little contact with my mother. She is often hateful when ill (no she is not medicated, she doesn't think she is sick), and hates my SIL and plays favorites with my brother's children. When not ill, she can't remember the way she acted, or won't. So my brother limits contact, to protect himself and his family.

In your case, you can't speak to delusions. If your friend thinks you have wronged her, it is as real to her as anyhting that has really happened. Telling her you didn't do something she believes you did will just make you frustrated and upset. You need to step back and put some emotional distance between you, for your own sake.

 

[lockedhearts]

I appreciate your views on the son, but he seriously cares more about himself than anyone.
Sue broke her ankle a few years ago, after a botched surgery to fix it, my sister (a nurse) found a surgeon who could fuse it, at this point it was fuse it or lose it. Sue needs good shoes to wear to support her ankle.
I called her son and told him my mom would take her shopping if he could pay for the shoes (we were getting her a good pair of walking sneakers $50-$60) his response was this, I just bought a motorcyle and 2 4 wheelers for the kids , I don't feel like spending the money . He makes $2000 a week , I know this because I know who he works for.

I'm sorry , I understand not wanting to be around her , but can't even buy his mom a pair of shoes that she needs?????

My mom and I split the cost of them for her. She literally has just a few dollars left every month out of her disability check, she does not have the extra $$ for some things. THis is where I have always tried to help her out.

In my book that makes him a not so great son.

 

[pdsavage]

so who is incharge of her SSI?If its the son then she needs a new payee....

 

[keystonepaul]

Now I feel somewhat po's and a little betrayed. I almost feel like just walking away and the next time she calls me for help (usually financial) just saying no.

The feelings of frustration, betrayel, failing etc etc etc will always be there if you choose to embrace them in dealing with this. The good periods may last longer than the bad, but boy the bad are gonna be so intense some times that you forget the good. Your family either needs to make the committment wholely and entirely (as a family) or ease yourself out of it as Buff H. mentioned. One is not more noble than the other in my opinion when it comes to decisions that affect your family. Education and counsiling for those in your family might be a help if you choose to go forword. build your own support network for you as well as her with those family and friends you are close to. Caregiver support groups are out there, etc. etc. Good luck, Keystonepaul

 

[lockedhearts]

Quote:
If you mean her monthly check, it is direct deposited in her account. One thing I can say about her, she pays hers bills every month on time, at least she is lucid enough to do that.
Don't get me wrong she is capable of taking care of her self. Her issues, at least IMO (and my mom's and sisters) is that she has likely not told all her DR's about all the medicines she is taking. She has her Family DR (who is not the greatest) her Shrink (also not the best) and her Pain Management DR.
Her biggest issues, again IMO, are her meds and not having daily human contact or any form of "recreation"
I think her optimum thing would be assisted living, she could be controlled to some degree and I know the place my Great Aunt with Alzheimers is has activities and transportation to shopping.

 

[cockadoodlemom]

Quote:
Being bi-polar is no easy thing to deal with. I realize the help you are offering her is fantastic but will she be leaving just her son or does she have more family where she is? Even if her family doesn't help her she will have guilt about leaving them to go be with a friend. If she stays with her family she feels like she let you down. She's not answering cause she feels overwhelmed with making a choice. Just give her some time and she will contact you when she makes peace with all her feelings.

 

[lockedhearts]

It's just her son, he is married but the DIL does not like her at all.
I don;t care where she lives as long as she is safe and has some daily contact with people and someone can keep an eye on her. I have always told her that it is her decision.
At this point she would probably be better off in assisted living and not around anyone that is friend or family. I think it would help her get a better grip on her life and maybe she could make new friends that are not associated with all the things that she really can't enjoy anymore (horses, horse shows etc)

 

[kristenm1975]

This is perhaps off-topic, and if so, forgive me, but I feel like its such important information, I had to share it.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 5 years ago after some ugly episodes in my life that were hard to understand. I've been on a dozen different medications trying to find one that works with my life and doesn't take away so much of my personality that it does more harm than good.

I've finally found something that works wonders and has little to no side-effects, and if you've ever been on psyche drugs or know someone who has, you know the side-effects can be horrendous and damaging.

I've been on a natural pill called Serenity for about a year now and have slowly weaned myself off lithium totally, which is a miracle. Serenity is a natural form of lithium, so it produces the same basic effect of leveling me off, but without the harmful side effects.

It's a bit expensive and isn't covered by health insurance, but it's saved my relationship and my job and I'm forever grateful to the friend who suggested it to me.

Obviously, what works for one person may not work for another and its very important to work with your doctor when changing medications. My form of bipolar disorder was quite mild on the scale of things and it may not work for someone who has a more severe case. (This is the fine print.)

I hope this is helpful to folks!

 

[Chicabee19]

Thank you dear Kristin for your post - it's completely on topic!

Perhaps it will help someone.

 

[kbarrett]

You are such a wonderful friend

I just wanted to add a few thoughts here...then you can contribute to get kbarrett a shrink fund

First off I totally agree with Mom'sFolly, don't judge her son. My mother is bi-polar. You will never know what her son dealt with growing up. I am in my mid 30's with a family of my own and still get caught off guard by childhood memories that haunt me. My parents divorced when I was 8 and mom had custody of the 3 of us. Not only do I have issues with her but with my extended family who were always pointing out to us how we weren't being cared for (filthy house & no supervision) but never lifted a finger to get us out of there. At that point dad was the bad guy who caused mom's depression and I always defended her.
I was in my mid 20's when my mother was officially diagnosed, she finally had a manic episode that couldn't be ignored...as making death threats tends to get you noticed by ER staff. In the last 10 years she's been at the hospital 4 times and stayed on her medication approx. 2 months or so following each release. She always feels cured after that time period and slips back into depressed mode.
I've come to the conclusion that I really don't know my mother at all. For the bulk of my childhood she was depressed, I even had to nag her to bathe. For about 2 weeks (shortly before her diagnosis) I was in 7th heaven, after umpteen years mom wasn't depressed! Then things were not so good, all of the sudden mom was a rude, manipulative, hateful capital "B" who apparently wished she'd aborted me. When she's on the meds she's not a very nice person at all, I have to wonder if that is her true self. If it is then the truth is I love my mom but don't like her one bit, that even hurts to admit. The intellectual part of me know's it was the disease talking everytime she was manic or too depressed to support an important milestone in my life like my wedding or coming to visit me in the hospital when I had my son but the fact is it still hurts. The last time she was manic there were times where I could not deal with it and I didn't. I feel there has to be a point where your own mental health has to come first. There are times when you need to step back and let someone else take a turn.