Life is changing for us, and it is not for a positive reason

[debilorrah]

That's good to hear, you can always pull the grill out another day

It's gonna have to wait a while, I think. Two days to recover from just being in the vicinity is a bit much. *sigh*

 

[zzGypsy]

I DO know that, and I have been calm with him. These days when things go bad are really rough for us both. Which makes me think things are going to get really rough on a regular basis in the future.

or...
... it's a training period where you two learn how to manage this particular type of stress together, before you have to do it every day.
you might, at a calm time on a better day, talk about how it seems you two aren't wearing well on the bad days and come up with a strategy. something you can try out now, and work on refining, before you need it all the time.

<hugs>

 

[debilorrah]

or...
... it's a training period where you two learn how to manage this particular type of stress together, before you have to do it every day.
you might, at a calm time on a better day, talk about how it seems you two aren't wearing well on the bad days and come up with a strategy. something you can try out now, and work on refining, before you need it all the time.

<hugs>

good idea. But how? I will admit I am a bit lost on how to deal with him, but I have been doing ok so far.

 

[1muttsfan]

Debi, you are doing fine. You give him lots of love and companionship, indulge him in the things he likes to do, make him feel special, and are there to be with him when he feels bad. No one could ask for more. We are human and not machines, that is what makes us both unique and frustrating at times.

 

[1muttsfan]

Good morning Debi and gang!

 

[zzGypsy]

or...
... it's a training period where you two learn how to manage this particular type of stress together, before you have to do it every day.
you might, at a calm time on a better day, talk about how it seems you two aren't wearing well on the bad days and come up with a strategy. something you can try out now, and work on refining, before you need it all the time.

riginally Posted by debiraymond

good idea. But how? I will admit I am a bit lost on how to deal with him, but I have been doing ok so far.

picking a good time is key, one where he's feeling good enough, and things between you are calm.

you know him best, so you know what does and doesn't work, here are some ideas, see if anything fits, or try some of it and see if it works...

ask him to just listen for a couple of minutes while you tell him what's on your mind (no discussing until you're done, but keep your part brief). tell him you've noticed when he feels bad he sometimes is grouchier than you know he means to be. remind him you love him and want to help. tell him you know he's going to have days in the future that will be hard, and you want him to help you understand, now while he's having a good day and feels ok, what you can do that will help him most on rough days. remind him you're in this together. tell him you know he gets crabby because he doesn't feel good, and remind him that you understand... and that it's still hard on you when he's more difficult than he needs to be. ask what you can do to make it easier for him on a bad day. ask what would make him feel less grouchy. ask how you can help. ask how you can let him know when his being grouchy is really wearing on you. remind him you get scared and frustrated and angry too. tell him what he can do to help you when you're having a bad day.

the big goal, I think, is to get you both standing side-by-side looking at the disease and the problems and remedies together, instead of you two squaring off face to face with the disease between you. the problem to be solved is how to work as an inseparable team, with both of you seeing the disease and it's management as the thing that you two, together, are fighting. not each other.

the purpose of the conversation is to really become clear - both of you - of when you're not treating each other as closest alies and instead are taking out your fear / pain / stress / anger on each other in liew of the disease itself. once you both really clearly see that, having a code word or a signal you can use to remind each other of that viewpoint is important. because there will be times when you each lose perspective and fall back into the habit of being testy with the other because you feel stressed or tired or ill.

one of the insights people sometimes have difficulty in reaching is that they are not their disease, and their disease is not them. the disease certainly drives some changes in their life, but it does not dictate who they are, or how they behave.

if he's in pain, that's certainly a factor he has to deal with. however, it doesn't mean he has to be crabby or pick a fight... those things are behavioral choices. granted ones he may not feel in command of in the moment, but it is not the inability to breathe that makes him snappy. he gets snappy because he has to deal with pain and frustration and disapointment and fear and anger and whatever else... and he doesn't at the moment have a better solution to managing those things.

the thing that will make those bad days better isn't him striking out in reaction to his feelings and you taking it, or ignoring it, or avoiding it, or snapping back. it's you two figuring out what he can do to manage his feelings better, and how you can help him do that. and then doing that as a team.

BTW, the same applies to you also, because you've got feelings and fear and frustration and disappointments too.

so.

getting your two brains around this problem, and finding a way to deal with the attending emotions, is something you could certainly seek the help of a professional on - a shrink or counselor experienced in dealing with chronic illness or chronic pain would be a good choice. if that's not an option, you can still do this together without outside help. it's really helpful to have a time-out code word - one either of you can use when you notice the moment is starting to run off the rails. then you can each take a few minutes to calm down, remember you're a team, and adjust your perspective so you're once again side-by-side looking at how to deal with the problem together.

I have watched people do this, it's amazing when they figure out how to get on the same side ofthe problem.

I hope that's helpful.

 

[rrrmamma]

Very well put ZZgypsy. What great advice for so many situations. We are going through some hard financial times now and have been arguing like we never had before. I am going to try to apply this technique with my DH. If we face the problem as a team we can overcome some of the frustration, misunderstanding and hurt feelings

 

[Chick N Haus]

You hit the nail on the head gypsy. That is a great strategy.

 

[debilorrah]

I came down with a stomach bug yesterday and I am just now starting to feel ok again. So I haven't been around much.

 

[zzGypsy]

Very well put ZZgypsy. What great advice for so many situations. We are going through some hard financial times now and have been arguing like we never had before. I am going to try to apply this technique with my DH. If we face the problem as a team we can overcome some of the frustration, misunderstanding and hurt feelings

absolutely true, challenging to do because for a lot of us it's new behavior learned under stress, but it's the way to survive the situation stronger as a couple, rather than be torn apart by it.

You hit the nail on the head gypsy. That is a great strategy.

thank you. some of these lessons were hard and expensive, and I figure if I share what I've learned, it amoratizes the cost over more people.