Losing My Job

[Trefoil]

I've been following this thread and wanted to wish you well. I hope everything works out for you. But, I had a thought that might work out for you as well as helping others. As you are a teacher, you might consider tutoring. There are a lot of kids out there that are behind, especially youngsters in reading and math. Once they fall behind its really hard for them to ever catch up. With your training and perhaps a couple of extra courses, you should be able to make a good living or even just a part time job, helping those kids either catch up or get a good start. Something to think about.

 

[michickenwrangler]

Got the confirmation letter from the school board today accepting my resignation. Sigh ... been kinda moody today too and definitely did not need this on top of it. At times I'm actually kinda looking forward to staying home and being a mom, but also have times where Im really mad at the stituation, myself, and the district.

DBF is honestly flabbergasted that I don't want to sub in the district. I told him that I might sign up to sub a few days a week in a few other local districts and he asked if I would continue in the one I'm employed at now. I told him it would just be too weird, and besides that, they've made it clear that they don't want me back.

That and I feel like I need to take some time off. He seems to be handling the miscarriage pretty well, but I still get upset about it. Probably because of Wayne's death, dog's death, unwanted pregnancy, finally coming to grips with unwanted pregnancy and then the miscarriage then the job loss, I still feel like I'm losing it at times and while it's nice to vent once in awhile online, I really do need some counseling. I'll call next week to try to get an appointment for when school lets out.

DBF said something about my negative attitude causing all this, but I don't really see how. He's one of those overly optimistic people, I often call him Ned Flanders off The Simpsons because both are religious and unfailingly polite and pleasant. He's not saying it to be mean, he's saying it to try and get me in a better mood. I just feel like I can't shake this depression. He's tried to talk me into praying, and while I didn't respond with words, apparently the look that I gave him really hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention, he caught me off guard when he suggested it since he knows I'm not Christian. I also told him that if I did go back to being religious, I would return to being Catholic. He reminded me that it was little more than glorified paganism to which I replied, "So if you don't pray to St. Anthony, who are you supposed to pray to to find lost car keys?"

Not that this really isn't argument status. He is trying in his way, and I do appreciate it. But I just need to find someone to unload on that isn't him. He needs a break from me and my mood swings.

 

[michickenwrangler]

I've been following this thread and wanted to wish you well. I hope everything works out for you. But, I had a thought that might work out for you as well as helping others. As you are a teacher, you might consider tutoring. There are a lot of kids out there that are behind, especially youngsters in reading and math. Once they fall behind its really hard for them to ever catch up. With your training and perhaps a couple of extra courses, you should be able to make a good living or even just a part time job, helping those kids either catch up or get a good start. Something to think about.

Yes, I have considered tutoring. I will probably start advertising shortly after school lets out, although DBF's daughter is struggling quite a bit in her class so I'm sure I'll be assisting her, in addition to running kids back and forth to 4-H, riding lessons, etc... I'll be busy.

 

[EweSheep]

You need hugs but having the summer off will do a body good!

I'm like your hubby, overly optismic about things. Hubby just got news from his company that they will be laying off everyone because the big Yellow company (CAT) is streamlining and sending products elsewhere for higher profits and lower wages. He is like you right now, depressed and threw up a few times during at night while I was lying there saying things will be OK.

 

[urban escapee]

Following this post just brought me to tears.

I too suffer with depression and as you know it aint pretty. One of the hardest things to deal with is the negative impressions we have about ourselves. I used to make deprecating comments all the time. I never thought they meant anything until a friend pointed out how bad I really saw myself by making them. We made a comittment that day to say something nice about ourselves every day. It had to be original. I suggest you do the same. I created a little mantra for myself. Whenever I feel a pity party coming on, I try not to indulge it very long and I repeat my mantra till I believe it. " I am a beautiful, intelligent woman, and can do anything I set my mind to."

I was laid off a year ago and I was angry for a while and when I focus on it, I get angry again. But I had a back up plan (I was getting ready for major changes) and the layoff excellerated the changes. I spoke with my husband and we decided to move forward. Moved a mobile home out to my parents property, let the bank have the house back. The only major bill we have is our car note and utilities.

We decided to take this time for me to decompress from the high stress environment. I suggest you do the same. You need to get better mentally for your daughter and for yourself. God has a plan for you, you just need to be in a place where you can hear it.

 

[michickenwrangler]

EweSheep,

Reading your thread actually did me some good today. While folding laundry, it dawned on me that I have a freezer full of meat, several dozen eggs in the fridge, lots of canned fruits, pounds of frozen butter (I cook with it so I stock up while it's on sale), a pantry full of canned goods, I now have fiber animals and a loom in addition to needles and thread, a forest full of natural remedies, natural springs and miles away from fertilized fields, a garden growing vegetables, wild fruits that made it through our wacky spring weather. DBF and I will make it somehow, if he can somehow keep putting up with me.

I've also realized that my main problem is an utter lack of self-confidence, at least when dealing with people. I can stare down a charging horse and chase a coyote off with a broom, but for some reason I have no confidence with people. Also felt quite sorry for DBF last night. I suggested that we watch a movie since we haven't done that in awhile. He decided on "Shallow Hal". Och! I was in tears through the whole movie.

"Uh, sweetie, this is a comedy. Isn't it funny? Look! Jack Black said something funny!"

Well, the hospital scene at the beginning reminded me too much of DH and all his health problems. And again, I've always had an extremely low self-image so Gwyneth Paltrow's character really got to me, hit a little too close to home.

And the longer I'm with DBF, the more I wonder why he's with me. He's good looking, hard working, optimistic, devoted to faith and family, laid-back and he's with me: neurotic, moody, pessimistic, can't-keep-my-job, non-religious and an apathetic mother. I want to confront him on it, but I'm afraid of driving him away.

And I have no clue what to do about the lack of self-confidence. I've ALWAYS had it, not even really quite sure why (other than the obvious favoritism my parents show my brother and a stepmom who hated me). I have accomplishments with my horse, graduated magna cum laude from college, been told I'm an excellent writer [please no one point out that I should have introduced "that" for a new clause in the previous sentence], but for some reason I have no confidence in myself.

 

[RHRanch]

I have to warn you, no good will come of "confronting" your boyfriend about why he's with you. Obviously he wants to be with you, that should be good enough for you and you probably need to realize that your desire to question him about it stems from your insecurity. When you question him and he tells you that he is with you because he loves you, etc, you are reassured.

My advice to you in regards to your low self esteem and lack of confidence with your boyfriend and others? Fake it till you make it. Even if you feel awkward, not good enough, etc., you need to act like you feel the opposite and soon you will begin to feel the way you have been "acting".

 

[MamaRoo]

And the longer I'm with DBF, the more I wonder why he's with me.

Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!

He's with you because you're wonderful. He sees it, even if you don't. How about just respecting his opinion, accepting that, yeah, maybe you are wonderful, and work at trying to see that for yourself.

 

[1muttsfan]

I am so sorry to hear about your sorrows. Your lack of confidence in yourself is probably due to your completely understandable depression - it illuminates everything in a bad light. Including your relationships. Be kind to yourself, and keep in mind how it felt when you did have self confidence. those times will come again. my other advice is to spend lots of time with your horse, they are amazing counselors and friends, kind and sensitive, but requiring your attention at all times.

"There its something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man" (or woman) - W. Churchill

 

[redhen]

I am afraid that you are going to push him away...
Have you called and gotten a therapist yet?
Are you on depression meds?