It's very telling isn't it. Writing Helen like this must've been enlightening for the men who've read the novel and thought about VW's social context.I think that she is passive because of how she was raised and the times in which she is raised. It seems to me the only thing she takes any pleasure in are her children and she doesn't seem to have any inclination to truly learn and know anyone else, so in her private thoughts, she does not have to be gracious towards them!