my husband left me

[SillyChicken]

was thinking about this........ you may want to consider getting some blood work done... ya never know whats floating around these days, and a guy that is that self centered....... I doubt he'd want to be bothered, or be less of a man, if he wore protection whilest he was having his fun.

 

[misterhandsome]

Thanks again everybody. Your insight and support are helping so much.

Someone asked about age and how long we were married. He is turning 46 in October (and I'm turning 45). We've been together about five years, living together four, married two and a half. We moved to the country mostly because he wanted more space and to be closer to hunting and fishing. And because he felt claustrophobic in the front hall of our town house in the city, and the house had very little storage. (Spoiled much?) I've financially and materially supported every single thing he ever wanted to do. I have supported him emotionally every single time I knew he was feeling down. I gave up the cultural activities I love for the outdoor activities he loves (although i quite enjoy them too), gave up horse riding so he could have his boat. When he didn't close the coop properly in spring and three of my birds were killed as a result, I didn't call him on it. I knew he would feel too badly and didn't want to hurt him that way. My sister was here at the time and was amazed and impressed with how I handled it when we all knew it was his fault. That's me....the terrible wife.

Midlife crisis had crossed my mind. I also think he got overwhelmed with the amount of work we did and have to do in and around the house and just bolted. And I think you're right....he's trying to shift the blame, didn't think about me once while she was stroking his ego. Once this is public, real, boring, and he sees her flaws and realizes how much he's given up he'll wake up in a cold sweat wondering what he's done. I don't believe he's a horrible person. Nobody does. Everybody is in shock and very angry with him, including his mother. I'll miss having her in my life but we'll keep in touch from time to time. I loved his family, and they me. His father must be spinning in his grave. He has betrayed and disappointed so very many people and sacrificed so much. He says he's sorry he didn't talk to me sooner, but I don't buy it. He's feeding back to me the things I said to him, just as this notion of not making him feel sexy enough or like my protector aren't his words...they're the trollop's. I hope for his sake it's worth it.

I need to sit still and let things run a little, but it's really hard. I absolutely have to insulate the basement of this house before the cold sets, but I can't do it myself. I was hoping to save on installation charges, but I might have to suck it up. All becomes marital debt in the end.

Divorce law in Ontario is pretty clear. You own the assets and debts you brought into the marriage. Anything accumulated during the marriage is shared. At the point of separation (which legally begins either the moment one party says the marriage broke down or when you stop living together) all sharing of debts and assets stops, unless of course they're attached to anything jointly purchased. In our case it's the house, the boat and the car. I've paid the monster share, but we jointly own them. You can divorce on the grounds of adultry or once you've been separated for a year. Generally the latter is done because proving adultry is too hard. If I named the trollop she'd have to be served, would deny it, blah blah. And divorce is "no fault" in Ontario, meaning there will be no penalty on him for leaving or cheating. Assets less debts are calculated for each person. Then the difference btw the two calculated. If one person has more assets then the other, the result is divided in two, with the better off party giving an "equalization payment" to the worse off party. Any separation agreement in place will be the settlement terms for the divorce. My ex brightly a friend to include the term "irrevocable" in his agreement so that it can't be opened later. Thanks, love!!

We have separate bank accounts, thank god, because I have student and other loans from before we met and he has child support to pay. Our one joint account was for only bills, mortgage, etc., so we both stand to lose if he screws around with that. My salary is about twice his. I hope he doesn't try to get any of it in spousal support payments, but if he does it won't amount to much. I also hope he waives his right to my pension and investments.

My divorced friend said to get to a lawyer and have him sign a separation agreement while he still feels like a cad. Good advice.

Still sleeping poorly and not eating, but trying to move forward. It sucks.

But you guys are a ray of light in this. Really appreciate it.

 

[sfw2]

Glad to see you posting again, this morning. I agree with your friend's advice to get a lawyer, but would qualify that to say a GOOD lawyer, one that specializes in family/divorce law. You want somebody who will look out for YOUR interests, not try to be an arbitrator.

 

[annie3001]

sad for you. but glad your holding your head and moving along.

 

[FrenchToast]

I would think that being married for just 2 1/2 yrs would not make it possible or should I say harder for him to get your pension. It's not like he was a stay at home Dad or something.
You sound like a very caring person. Don't let your good traits allow him to take advantage. Either he is very weak or needs to grow up but that is only something he can do, you nor his little mistress can't do it for him. Time for the apron strings to be cut from everyone. He needs to be a big boy and live with his consequences.
How old of a person is his current fling ? Is she married or in a relationship ?

I can relate to how you are feeling about him not being a bad person. Plus the more people bash him the stronger your feelings to protect him will be. Try not to let it !!

Glad to hear you did riding. Time to get back into it. Do the things that you enjoy !!! Horses are wonderful !! Plus getting out and doing what you enjoy is exactly where you will meet new people that share common interests. Both male and female !!

I'm also glad you havn't got that many years invested in him. 5-6 years really isn't that long. It takes a long time to really get to know someone and sometimes you never will !!

After hearing more, I can just about guarantee he will come crawling back sooner or later especially after she finds out that he will not be her protector etc.

Stand strong, you will make it. Being 45 I think you know that it will be ok, just that you do need this time to morn (after all it is a loss in a way) but life goes on. To bad we can't press a fast forward button and get all of the hard times behind us quicker.

Boy I sure wish I could help you take the pain away !!! I know how it feels and it sucks !!! If you ever need to PM just to vent feel free !!

 

[Elite Silkies]

 

[misterhandsome]

Quote:
I don't know how old she is, or whether there is a son or a boyfriend/husband in her life. But there's someone. He has a grown daughter (20) from a previous marriage that ended a very long time ago and never wanted more kids. Can't imagine he'd take one on.

I had a fantastic afternoon visiting with and getting moral support from my aunt. Not one tear shed. Even ate some food for the first time in days. Thought the beer would be a bad idea so passed on that. When I got home there was an email from him asking for loan and insurance information for the boat and SUV. I told him he had to take on those payments or we'd sell both, that I wasn't going to pay for his hobbies if he wouldn't work on our marriage. I guess he's putting that in place. It's sad because it makes this more real, but it's what I asked for and needs to happen. My name is still on the loan so I told him to tell me if he decides to sell, someone buys into the boat, etc. If he could take on the loan in full I'd walk away from them. If I can get those off my roster I can probably take on the house loan in full, and hopefully he'd walk away from it.

God this sucks. I don't understand how someone can go from "i love you very, very much" one week to "i don't know if I want to be married to you anymore" the next. Because of the trollop, I suppose. Can't forget that.

Thanks again for all the support.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

People don't go from I love you very very much one week to I don't love you any more in one week.

They go from lying to you to lying to themselves.





They cannot love anyone because usually they have no real love for themselves.

 

[melodie_a]

I am so sorry. I don't have many words of advise other than just keep taking it one day at a time. Just know that we are thinking about you!

 

[cassie]

Quote:
I don't know how old she is, or whether there is a son or a boyfriend/husband in her life. But there's someone. He has a grown daughter (20) from a previous marriage that ended a very long time ago and never wanted more kids. Can't imagine he'd take one on.

I had a fantastic afternoon visiting with and getting moral support from my aunt. Not one tear shed. Even ate some food for the first time in days. Thought the beer would be a bad idea so passed on that. When I got home there was an email from him asking for loan and insurance information for the boat and SUV. I told him he had to take on those payments or we'd sell both, that I wasn't going to pay for his hobbies if he wouldn't work on our marriage. I guess he's putting that in place. It's sad because it makes this more real, but it's what I asked for and needs to happen. My name is still on the loan so I told him to tell me if he decides to sell, someone buys into the boat, etc. If he could take on the loan in full I'd walk away from them. If I can get those off my roster I can probably take on the house loan in full, and hopefully he'd walk away from it.

God this sucks. I don't understand how someone can go from "i love you very, very much" one week to "i don't know if I want to be married to you anymore" the next. Because of the trollop, I suppose. Can't forget that.

Thanks again for all the support.

It wouldn't hurt to call the loan company and see if you can get your name off of the loan. You won't know unless you ask. Don't blame the other woman. His actions are not her fault. She didn't take him away at gunpoint. Trust me. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. In the long run, she will get exactly what she deserves. The way he has treated you is the way he will one day treat her. Eventually you may come to realize she has really done you a favor.