Thanks again everybody. Your insight and support are helping so much.
Someone asked about age and how long we were married. He is turning 46 in October (and I'm turning 45). We've been together about five years, living together four, married two and a half. We moved to the country mostly because he wanted more space and to be closer to hunting and fishing. And because he felt claustrophobic in the front hall of our town house in the city, and the house had very little storage. (Spoiled much?) I've financially and materially supported every single thing he ever wanted to do. I have supported him emotionally every single time I knew he was feeling down. I gave up the cultural activities I love for the outdoor activities he loves (although i quite enjoy them too), gave up horse riding so he could have his boat. When he didn't close the coop properly in spring and three of my birds were killed as a result, I didn't call him on it. I knew he would feel too badly and didn't want to hurt him that way. My sister was here at the time and was amazed and impressed with how I handled it when we all knew it was his fault. That's me....the terrible wife.
Midlife crisis had crossed my mind. I also think he got overwhelmed with the amount of work we did and have to do in and around the house and just bolted. And I think you're right....he's trying to shift the blame, didn't think about me once while she was stroking his ego. Once this is public, real, boring, and he sees her flaws and realizes how much he's given up he'll wake up in a cold sweat wondering what he's done. I don't believe he's a horrible person. Nobody does. Everybody is in shock and very angry with him, including his mother. I'll miss having her in my life but we'll keep in touch from time to time. I loved his family, and they me. His father must be spinning in his grave. He has betrayed and disappointed so very many people and sacrificed so much. He says he's sorry he didn't talk to me sooner, but I don't buy it. He's feeding back to me the things I said to him, just as this notion of not making him feel sexy enough or like my protector aren't his words...they're the trollop's. I hope for his sake it's worth it.
I need to sit still and let things run a little, but it's really hard. I absolutely have to insulate the basement of this house before the cold sets, but I can't do it myself. I was hoping to save on installation charges, but I might have to suck it up. All becomes marital debt in the end.
Divorce law in Ontario is pretty clear. You own the assets and debts you brought into the marriage. Anything accumulated during the marriage is shared. At the point of separation (which legally begins either the moment one party says the marriage broke down or when you stop living together) all sharing of debts and assets stops, unless of course they're attached to anything jointly purchased. In our case it's the house, the boat and the car. I've paid the monster share, but we jointly own them. You can divorce on the grounds of adultry or once you've been separated for a year. Generally the latter is done because proving adultry is too hard. If I named the trollop she'd have to be served, would deny it, blah blah. And divorce is "no fault" in Ontario, meaning there will be no penalty on him for leaving or cheating. Assets less debts are calculated for each person. Then the difference btw the two calculated. If one person has more assets then the other, the result is divided in two, with the better off party giving an "equalization payment" to the worse off party. Any separation agreement in place will be the settlement terms for the divorce. My ex brightly a friend to include the term "irrevocable" in his agreement so that it can't be opened later. Thanks, love!!
We have separate bank accounts, thank god, because I have student and other loans from before we met and he has child support to pay. Our one joint account was for only bills, mortgage, etc., so we both stand to lose if he screws around with that. My salary is about twice his. I hope he doesn't try to get any of it in spousal support payments, but if he does it won't amount to much. I also hope he waives his right to my pension and investments.
My divorced friend said to get to a lawyer and have him sign a separation agreement while he still feels like a cad. Good advice.
Still sleeping poorly and not eating, but trying to move forward. It sucks.
But you guys are a ray of light in this. Really appreciate it.
