My Space?!

[SloCrevs]

Hey, I'm a teenager. I'm 16. I have a myspace account. I log on about once a week. It's basically to be able to talk to my friends whom have either moved away or I have moved away from. That and to keep tabs on my little chicklets(my younger kids in 4H), make sure they're not up to no good. Personally, my mom*actually my stepmom, my mom disowned me b/w 8th and 9th grade*and I get along pretty well. We have our disputes, but honestly, she has only taken away my computer once, and that was only for about a week, for reasons I will not go into. Teenagers are capable of thinking on their own and getting along with their parents and or younger siblings! I know I'm different than most(in more ways than 1), but I've met kids who are in the same boat as your daughter DD, as well as HobbyChickener's daughter. Honestly, from a kid's point of view, back off for a bit. Shut off/limit her use of her cell phone, maybe only an hour a night? Or get her a track phone, that way it just shuts off after the minutes are used up, that way you give her the # of hours per month(saves on overage charges on YOUR phone), and if she uses them up, oh well. As for the myspace. Keep an eye on it. Get your own myspace account. Check in on hers. Do you know how often she's logged on? If it's only every now and then, make sure to check her blogs, comments, comments to other friends, status updates, etc. If you can get her password, I'm impressed, but she'll probably go and make another account that You don't know about. Limit her use of the internet. I didn't really ever have to be punished, because I was taught MODERATION from a very young age...except when it came to chickens...Limits, limits, limits, that's what I have to say. You give them a leash. It lets them wander a bit, but they can't stray too far. And make sure the punishment isn't TOO severe. That'll just make them mad, I was put on restriction from the phone*1st bf, biological mother's house* for 3 months, and that just made me mad, and talk when she wasn't home. If it were for a couple days, a week max, I would've been fine and gotten the point. Short restrictions and limits are a hell of a lot more useful than long, drawn-out, anger provoking ones. But yeah, from a teenagers point of view, that's what I have to say. And then there's my little sister...

 

[Bubba]

BantyChickMom relax I know your riled up and upset. Stressing out will only make things worse at this time.

First I would like to ask how old this BOY she is calling is? I never mentioned it but I find it odd that you threaten to call the Sherriff on him. What is he doing wrong, what law is he breaking? Even if he was a 20 year old talking to a 15 year old on the phone, I do not know of any laws he would be breaking unless you could prove he was having phone sex with her....



Fault. Fault depends on alot of factors, most I am sure none of us reading know. It's not fair for you to blame yourself, your husband or your Daughter. From what you described its almost like shes an addict. I am not joking, my Sister would do the same thing. Give her a phone, RUN UP A HUGE phone bill. Getting prepaid phones would be your answer. Tell her you have 20 dollars (or whatever you limit her to) on your phone this month after that it goes off. Tell her you can use it to call this boy long distance for an hour or you can save it to talk for many hours with your local friends. At that point she has a choice and will have to weigh them. Sometimes the forbidden fruit is much more tempting than plain old apples... You may want to realize that she is growing up, with or without you. I know I will catch ALOT of flack for saying this. Sit her down WITH your husband (I hope he will) and give her a package of condoms. Explain you DO NOT want her to have sex, but it is her choice and her body. If she wants to abuse it or let someone else abuse it that is her choice. Tell her about the STDs you can catch even while using a condom or even from simple kissing. Get her the HPV shot, regardless if you try this or not. All young women imo should be getting that. (Nothing worse than after a tramatic rape that they then find out they have a lifelong STD that was preventable. Specially when the reason they didn't get the shot was you wanted to preserve their virginity that much longer.)

Sometimes just taking away the temptation is enough to satisfy the urge.

Think about what I and others say. Pray on it, praying does seem to help some people find the right path. Thank your lucky stars it is a boy that is hours away.


Giving her a criminal record in this day and age is dumb (No offense Jeaucamom, I find it a truely horrible idea)! Nothing like helping the State take away her future rights. Remember anytime an Officer stops you the first thing he asks is.... Have you been arrested or are you a felon?

"Oh yes my Mother pressed charges and it should have been a misdemenor but the Judge made it a felony after the DA got the case and added up all the totals and it was over 500 dollars...." Cop "Oh really, spreadem"
You have no right to privacy for the rest of your life after a felony (That means if she is staying at your house, they can enter and search it as they please). Even a misdemenor (sp) is a step to a felony if she ever gets caught for something petty. Think about that tactic LONG and HARD before choosing it. Sending her to a boot camp would be better than that, not that I am recommending that either.

Remember once you put your fate in the State/Government YOU CANNOT TAKE it BACK.

You may want to talk to her school counseler, teachers, friends parents. Is she doing well in school? Is she letting everything else go?

If the only thing besides being mad at you shes doing wrong is calling this boy its a little extreme to send her off to some camp. She may think shes in love, Love everyone knows makes you do some DUMB things. Even if she only thinks shes in love, she is young without alot of life experiences.

Now on the other hand if she is throwing her life down the drain then yes sending her to therapy or even something more extreme may be warranted.


I think SloCrevs made a good point. "Honestly, from a kid's point of view, back off for a bit. Shut off/limit her use of her cell phone, maybe only an hour a night? "



From what you have said she was a GOOD KID again up till you found out about the phone. She may be responsible in most areas of her life, the phone obviously is not one of them. Prepaid or restricted phones (talk to your phone carrier) is the way to go.

I hope this helps you. I know I get worked up and people take it that I am angry (Anger for me lasts a lifetime, nothing on here so far has truely angered me and I doubt it ever will. I cool off as quick as I heat up. Please lets not get into my twisted psyche.) I'm not angry I just get emotional when I read something that hits home, I find unfair, people assuming something or not thinking about anothers feelings, etc. I like to give people choices and ideas that make them think. I know alot of my ideas come across hard, I know I slap people in the face with them. In todays society that seems to be the best way to get across my ideas to a larger audience. You may not think the Shock Factor is the best way to get things across, sometimes it does take a gentle touch. You can get that from someone else. I speak to the general masses. I am just as bold and extreme in my beliefs in real life but I have the option of toning it down as I watch someones reaction to the given situation. You cannot do that with typing, sorry.

It's a tough time to live in the world. It is even tougher to be a child/teen with so much going on, so much temptation, backwards ideas/ideals, Television, Movies, Videogames (I think those really took a toll on me), Rappers/Singers singing about the wrong things, the Government lying and using scare tactics about drugs instead of using common sense and telling us what if anything they really do while we sit there and watch them CRAM American after American full of Prescribed Drugs because the big business makes a profit off of it..... I need to stop or I will keep rambling like usual.


Sorry for jumping on the HobbyChickeners thread. Thou I do feel you see this as pertaining to everyones youth. It's not like we switch subjects just the child in the spot light.


Bubba

 

[nccatnip]

As far as cell phone, if they are irresponsible, forget it. Having a cell phone is not a right and most of us grew up just fine without them. If they want a cell phone, let them work to pay for it. Keep them busy. Banty- you are in a perfect psoition to put her to work. Let HER help paint and then pay her for it. Working with DH may open up the communication and mos tof all keeps her in sight. Let her manage her own money but set limits on phone time. Off and in the charger in a public room at a certain time.
As far as Myspace- I don't think that is the issue. The issue is disregard for the rules. You may need to review your reason and set some guidelines. But, irregardless of that, the rules were still broken and she needs to be accountable.

 

[BantyChickMom]

DD has been through humiliating circumstances this summer.
We started trusting her with a phone 3 years ago this Christmas when we give her her own phone line. That was taken away within 2 months due to grown men (18 or over) calling at all times of the night and even had one calling from a jail in VA, and calling collect I might add.
We have taken the cell phone from her 5 or 6 times, first for a short time, then gradually longer and longer times, because she had abused her privilege by breaking the rules.
She got her phone back the same day we got out of court for the last time. The exact same day she began calling this same chatline again and had this same boy calling her.
This has been going on for 2 months.
And she's smart enough to know she can't block the # if she calls him, so he calls her so he can block the number and keep it from showing up. Only he didn't do it a few times and the # appeared on the bill and I recgonized from before.
And LYING has been a problem longer than the phone issue.

Trac phones are not a possibility, because she has continuously broke the phone rules!
She could have talked to anyone locally, and yet refused to do so.
The rule was not to talk to this boy or any other boy long distance ever!!
I even talked to this boy and his father and told them both that he was not to associate himself with my DD again, not to call any of my phone #'s ever again, and that I could have him charged for running up phone bills and make him pay for half of the bills.
I feel I gave them good warning!!
Charges can be filed because my DD is a minor and they are over aged!!!
To those of you who suggested trac phones:
Not going to happen. I have been fair with her, given her many many chances (too many to count) and she still refuses to follow the rule. Trac phone is still just another phone.
School is not a problem and never has been.
She chooses who to have an attitude with and that person is usually the one who has caught her red handed and passes down sentencing, in otherwords ME!
I have tried every form of parenting there is and she still refuses to obey the rules.
She has no respect for anyone!!
My 13 year old son has had a cell phone the same amount of time and has never abused his privilege.
Am I to believe that my 13 year old DS is more mature and responsible than my 15 year old DD??
Apparently so!
DD is working to pay off the $500 phone bills, still has $200 to go.
I even suggested she go and help us this weekend but DH didn't want to do that. Go Figure!!
To all the young people here, you are the ones that keep saying allow her to do this and that and this and that but put limits on it or COMPROMISE.
Have I not done that ??
I allowed her to have a phone and simply stated "Do not be calling these boys again"
Phone was supposed to be restricted and somehow she manipulated the code. That should have been warning #1, but I said as long as you behave yourself and don't do anything stupid, we can leave it like that.
She was doing the stupid thing all along, just a matter of time til I discovered it.
No one has or can convince me to give her another chance at this point.
I believe in being fair, but fairness no longer has a place with me and DD.
As I said, she only has a problem when she gets caught.
And Bubba, I would never give my DD condoms.
To me, that is like saying it's OK to screw around as long as you use these. NOT GONNA HAPPEN
Even if I did agree with your thinking, how in the world could I trust her to use them when she has failed the responsibility test thus far??
Once again, that is just another irresponsible young person wanting to do what the grown ups do.
Final thought on this:
TEENAGERS CAN NOT BE TRUSTED. THEY HAVE TO BE KEPT UNDER LOCK AND KEY AND SUPERVISED 24/7.

And this my friends is what I intend to do!!

 

[schmoo]

Bantychickenmom-

I understand your frustration and anger but I can tell you for certain that locking her up etc. is not going to help. It seems she is "addicted" to talking to this boy, just as someone could be addicted to drugs etc. It must give her a high or she would not go to the extremes she does. You are actually lucky it's just talking to this boy shes addicted to. If you consider what some teens do these days.

She definetly needs to pay for all the charges and not get a cell phone again until shes 18 and paying for her own and/or moved out. I would punish her for the crime-no doubt. As long as she was being good BESIDES the phone thing, you don't her to totally go back to her old ways. Stay calm -talk to her, explain without yelling that shes paying you back 100% and shes grounded (for a resonable amount of time- not life) I doubt she would even dare to ask for a cell phone again. You said you caved because of guilt before, well I bet you are cured now. She had you right where she wanted you. If she does go back to her old disrespectful ways send her somewhere to get REAL help- not to MILs where it would be a vacation.

Also NEVER call the police on your child unless they have phsically harmed you or someone in your family. That is WAY extreme. If she were to get a felony she will never be able to move out -no one wants to give a job to a FELON and even worse she would blame you. Have you ever wondered why people who get out of prison go back to robbing people? Its because they can't get a job. Alot of them figure if they get caught atleast they have a place to live in jail and 3 meals a day.

 

[HobbyChickener]

Looks like you are getting some good help here to Banty! Thats one of the good things about this place is we're all in the coop together.

Latest update. She has been locked out for a week now and it doesn't seem to bother her to much. She asked once if she could get on MSN and I told her no. She asked why and I told her. She fussed a little still sticking to the my friends did it guns. She won't even turn over the one that did, she is willing to take the punishment oon her own.

HOWEVER, my DW bought her a cell phone this weekend (Our plan was do to renew so this was the cheapest time if we were going to). We haven't given it to her yet as we are going to decide on what the rules with it will be. I am not really worried about her being on it all the time as much as WHEN she is on it. I haven't figured out the whole 2 a.m. phone calls yet. I guess life goes on even if old Dad is trying to slow it down.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

Personally, I think kids are getting cell phones way to early on. I didn't get one until I was 17 and driving, and even then I didn't really use it for anything other than emergencies. Later on it became a useful tool for the ambulance squad. It was only later on that I got a texting plan. I really think kids should not have cell phones before they can drive. There is no reason and I got along fine wihtout one! I only ever hear about problems with kids and phones. The real problem is that parents give their kids phones in the first place!

I know texting is a big thing now, and I use it every now and then. However, people are so darned rude with it! If there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's kids who are constantly texting!

Bantychickmom,

I think you have something more extreme on your hands here. There ARE kids who will just never be affected by any kind of parenting you try with them. At this point, it would probably be best for you to try some professional help as others have mentioned. I have only known of a few kids with problems like your dd, but they do exist! Luckily she is not as bad as some of the others I have known or heard of. However, I don't really think her attitude is a reflection of your parenting. It seems to me as if there's some underlying problem here.

Calling the authorities on your own child would not be a wise idea for the many reasons mentioned before me. There are just too many other options. If she were to have any sort of record, that drastically reduces her chances for many types of employment, as well as many other opportunities. Heck, she probably wouldn't even be able to volunteer in a hospital. When I did, I needed to fill out a sheet about myself and one of the questions was whether or not I had ever been convicted of a crime.

I don't think all teens are as bad as you say. Some are, but there are many great ones out there too.

 

[BantyChickMom]

Thanks everyone
I really am calm believe it or not -- guess I just needed to get some fustration out!!

She will not get another cell phone period.
I would not call the police on her myself -- the felony charge came from something totally different -- a whole different situation that began in April and lasted thru the end of August. The summertime thing was thru no fault of her own and once I found that out, I backed her up and stood behind her 100%.
I know there are kids that take a little longer to get thru to, and unfortunately, I seem to have one that is taking a lot longer.
I am at my wits end only because this is the one thing that she refuses to stop doing, and yet, can give me no good reason as to why.
I'm just fustrated to no ends with this whole situation.
It really makes it worse because I have tried every parenting aspect possible, and she has been locked up in a detention center, and I just wonder if that wasn't enough to stop it once and for all, then what in the world is it going to take??
I'm scared for her own well being just thinking about it.

Overall, she is pretty good, and I know there are a lot or worse things that she could get into, but she's already met an 18 year old whom she had never met and only talked to twice, and this was when she was 14.
I hate to say it but an 18 year old who is interested in a 14 yr. old is up to no good.
I feel that if I allow her a night out with friends, I would regret it and would probably have even more troubles.
I think once she's mature/responsible enough to handle the simple rules, then I will gladly allow her more freedom.
But for her safety, I have to be convinced beyond a reasonable doubt.


Don't mean to offend anyone so please don't take it that way.

Thanks for reading

Edited to add:

MIL's would be no piece of cake. She has no cable, no computer, and is using one of my cell phones which she keeps in her purse.
Also, would be in bed very early and MIL would make her sit down every night and tell why what she did was wrong. Me, I don't have the patience right now to do that. Besides, our talking would just end up a scream fest because I have no tolerance for kids disrespecting adults, whereas MIL just laughs at it. Guess that's the difference between parents and grandparents!!

 

[TxChiknRanchers]

Sometimes another person can see things more objectively and can stand back and the "problem" will open up and communication will start. You keep your chin up and stay the course. do what you have to to keep your family going, they will appreciate you eventually and you will be stronger for the struggle!

 

[Bubba]

Heya Hobby

You could do like my Step Mom does for one of my Sisters. Make her give you the phone each night. If you have the phone you have no worries about friends or boys calling late at night. If she FORGETS to give it to you, suspend the privledge for a day. Simple but not extreme punishment.



Banty I hear you on the condoms was just an idea. I hope you can help your Daughter, it does seem like there is something else behind this behavior... You mention that she was scared with her Court Ordeal. Well that was just it she got a scare for some people getting scared does nothing... I agree that if you let her out for a night on the town with her friends it will probably not turn out well. Just hope that she gets it right by the time shes 18, there are no take backs or run to Mommy after that age....


Bubba