My step-son is driving me insane......

[WingingIt]

DH needs to be made aware in clear, easy to understand language that because he is allowing SS to do these things, he is legally on the hook for them. If SS wrecks the car and hurts someone while under the influence, guess who they're going to sue? If someone calls the police on the forest party and they find kids under the influence and you know about the party, guess who's going to jail, too? Instead of husband trying to bury his head in the sand, he needs to PROVE he LOVES his son and get his butt in rehab NOW. No shipping him off to Mom and pretending he doesn't know about it anymore, no letting him do what he wants, no trying to shift the blame to you...his son has a problem and needs help. Period.

If he won't do that for his son, you and his entire family, well, to be blunt, I'd be seriously questioning his ethics and commitment. He should NOT be willing to sit and watch his minor son potentially destroy his life.

Good for you for making a stand. Don't give up.

ETA: I agree with the others, too, not allowed in your house. Drug tests, no door, take keys, phone and computer, whatever it takes.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Ranchhand, I am getting a backbone. I told my husband today that if his son doesn't want to obey the rules, that he can move back home with his mom. I know my husband did not like that one bit. He actually screamed at me last night "What do you want me to do, take the boy and leave?!" I seriously don't want that, but I won't be bullied anymore to just shut up and let the SS do what he wants.

I think that the message you need to get across to DH is not so much that you are fed up with his son, but rather that his son is ruining his life, and that giving him rules and structure and making him take responsibility for his actions is far more loving than ignoring him and hoping that the behavior will go away. The results ar ehte same, but the message is not. Right now you need to get DH on the same page as you. There may be issues where you can compromise, but there will definitely ones where you need to get him to understand your viewpoint. In fact, don't refer to him as "your son," refer to him by name or as "my stepson" or as "our son."

 

[chicmom]

Quote:
Thank you! I know you're right.......Especially the last sentence. After DH said it, I told him, "If that's what you want to do, go ahead, otherwise, don't mention that again, unless you mean it."

I am now beyond sad and upset. I'm resolved and calm that I am doing the right thing, by cracking down on the step-son. I no longer care if it makes DH angry. SS just got himself into trouble. DH had to go to the prosecutor's office because his son is accused of Criminal Destruction. Apparently a lady saw him destroying things in the park with some other boys. Of course he swears he didn't do it. DH believes him! I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH MY HUSBAND IS IN DENIAL! We shall see what the judge says. If he is found guilty, I will demand he sells his car to pay court costs and such, and be grounded. So far DH refuses to do anything. UNREAL!
This is because DH lets him run off with these boys, and then not come home in the evenings during the summer! I try to tell him it's not right. He just won't listen. Wait until he is found guilty and my husband is hit with all those fines. Soooo ridiculous.......

 

[chicmom]

Quote:
That is a brilliant observation; be on the alert to this kind of passive aggressive behavior. It's very easy to let it confuse you and change your mind (which is why it's used, and so effective).

I can see that! Thanks for pointing it out!

 

[cassie]

Something for DH to think about. If he allows Sonny Boy to have a party where there is illegal drugs and underage drinking, if someting awful happens like an accident or a fatality, take a guess as to who can be held legally, financially, and possibly criminally responsible.

 

[mulewagon]

Chicmom, I really think you should consult an attorney about your assets. If your husband doesn't wise up soon, and the boy gets in big trouble, you need to have yourself covered in advance.

For instance, can your husband use the house to make bail? What are your risks, and can you protect yourself? Who owns your property, and who is liable for crimes or damages? Do you have your small valuables locked up?

You shouldn't panic, of course, but it's best to know how to protect yourself. Maybe you will feel some relief, too, from taking measures...

 

[kareninthesun]

Quote:
I agree. And one thing that has not been mentioned, but he may be stealing to get money. If he is heavy into pot, that isn't cheap, he may get it from someone who grows it, but they arent going to hand it out for free. Either he deals, or steals. If something happens to someone else because of him, he will be in trouble. Personally I'd consult a lawyer, put his butt in rehab (even though it works only if they want it to), but he's young, and if you firmly stand by in stating he has run out of options, he will have little choice. Your husband sounds like he is going through some sort of depression, and he needs to be checked out physically and emotionally. Be prepared: if he refuses to assist and stand with you, what are you going to do? Your first priority is to the underaged children in your home. By ignoring problems this serious, like everyone else has done, you will be pushing him out into a community that either accepts his illegal actions as worthy as long as he has something to give, or crush him without a backwards glance.

I think you have a bigger problem with your husband and seriously think you should look into groups for co dependency for strength and practical advice which better matches what you need.

(((hugs!!!)))