Need advice and to vent and maybe make this panic attack go away...

[Mattemma]

Really think the only right thing is for dh to deal with his parents.He is the one that needs to say," Treat my wife with respect and never bad talk her to our son...or we will not visit you." That is the only solution. You can refuse to see them,but it will mean your dh/son still see them. If you try to hold back ds this will become an issue with you and dh leading to fighting-just what they want. I would however cut my childrens contact with family if my child repeated anything negative they were saying.Not good for the kids to be exposed to that.

You need to tell your dh how sad this all makes you ,and that you choose to no longer be in the company of his parents due to their behavior.He might get mad at you,but his anger is displaced.It is his parents that are creating this situation,and forcing him to choose them or you.He needs to see this and deal with it.He needs to deal with this,because you no longer should.

If you say nothing you can look forward to years of this.You all deserve better.

Get professional counseling for the pair of you.

 

[turney31]

Quote:
THIS!

 

[acid_chipmunk]

My MIL hates me (feeling is mutual) and actually told my husband that I ruined her family.

Things were fine with her until I took off the rose colored glasses and saw what she is really like. My kids are 10 and 6 and she has told them that I don't love them and they can come live with her. She has called CYS on us for the kids being home alone for 10 minutes after school until my husband got home from work. She hates me because I tell her how it is going to be with MY kids and with MY family.

She has my BIL's wife and other BIL's fiancee completely bowled over and they follow her like zombies. My husband and I do not go to her house, try hard not to let her in our house and really try to limit the amount of time that the kids spend with her, but in the end, she is their grandmother and I don't want to deprive them of that.

We have had some pretty nasty fights with her and she knows exactly what I think. I am sure she is surprised that hubby and I are still together after almost 12 years and 9.5 years of marriage and was hoping we would divorce so she could try to get the kids. Not gonna happen. I REFUSE to let me kids be raised by her. She is under the impression if something happens to us, that she will be getting the kids. Um hell NO!!!! They will be going to my mother or their godfather.

She tried as hard as she could to ruin our wedding day. She refused to come out of the house and be seated, she screamed at my mother (a big no-no!), fought with my FIL (they are divorced), yelled at my B'sIL and our friends. I honestly don't have one good memory from that day after the actual wedding was done. She totally ruined it.

So, here is my advice... Your husband should be on your side. He chose you and that is more important than his parents. You have a child and that is more important than his parents. While confronting the in-laws isn't a great thing to do, it made me feel better and let her know that I wasn't afraid of her and wasn't going to take her crap anymore. She hasn't tested me since then, because she knows it will end badly and she will never see her grandchildren again. Talk to your husband and get him to understand how you feel. And, DO NOT let them upset you so bad that you get panic attacks, they ARE NOT and NEVER WILL BE worth it.

Good luck!

 

[Dar]

I have inlaws somewhere out there.... and thats the way its going to stay! they have never seen our daughter and she is 8. u have the right to refuse your son access to the not so grand parents if they are doing things that are not in his best interest and talking bad about his mom it not in his best interest.

 

[equine623]

Hi from a little ways south

Ya know - just because they are family, doesn't mean you have to have them in your life. It is not healthy for your son (never mind you) to have to listen to what amounts to verbal abuse. Your husband, by not doing anything about it, is sending the message that he either agrees or that its acceptable. I'm not saying he does agree - he may be silently seething inside - but by not standing up for you, his wife, his son's mother, that's the message he sends to your son. Perhaps that will make him not so compliant.

You're not alone. My MIL is the devil, I'm pretty much convinced of that. My father is out of my life, by my choice. Life is short, don't let people steal even one happy moment from you!

I understand where you are coming from, I stressed for the first several years of my marriage. But when those people started treating my daughter poorly, well that was the end of that. If your husband loves you, and is committed to you, then he needs to understand the depths of your feelings. His family - his wife and child - should be number one in his world. Its called growing up and cutting the cord

Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you want to vent some more

 

[Judy]

Quote:
If this were the ONLY thing they did, it would be more than enough to cut them off from the child. If your husband doesn't know this, he certainly needs to, overworked or not -- this is much more important. It is his responsibility to tell them, and up to him what he does/does not say about it; you have no responsibility to even talk to them again, much less see them. You DO have a responsibility to yourself and your family to keep your world as nontoxic as possible -- and that means excluding them, at least as long as they act like spoiled children, or worse. Your error in all this is allowing it to continue, not standing up for yourself, to the point of having panic attacks.

You've gotten lots of good advice here. Don't let these people make you family's life miserable. And do not expose your child to these venemous people again.

I have had no contact with the majority of my relatives for most of my life. I don't even know half their names. Sharing a few genes is no reason to be around people I would otherwise pay no attention to.

 

[Beekissed]

My own parents used to say the exact same things about me to my own kids. My kids would come home crying from their house and tell me what they had said. It was so tempting to rip those kids out of their lives and never speak to them again.

I called up my mother the first time it happened and told her what the kids had said. She denied it, of course. But, from then on she realized that my kids told me all the horrible things her and Dad would say about me to them and to others in their presence. They were a little more careful and only mouthed off to my siblings...who all hate me and judge me from what my parents told them all these years. No matter....I only consort with intelligent and compassionate people now and they do not apply. No loss in my life when you come to think about it.

Meanwhile, I explained to the kids the difference between the truth and what people choose to say or believe about you. Though young, they were intelligent enough to understand that my parents were just bitter and hateful people who weren't smart enough to stop spilling their hate onto little children's ears.

We ended by praying for them and deciding what the kids were to say the next time their grandparent's said anything bad about me. They decided they would just tell them that I was their mom and they will always love me. That seemed to keep my parents from spewing bile into their ears and I now have a good relationship with my mother~she finally apologized....Dad still hates me though!

Your kids and your husband know what kind of person you are and that is all that matters. Kill 'em with kindness and roll on with your life, I say!

 

[Royd]

You need to tell them, in so many words, station in life does not, necessarily, lead to being a quality person.....Point to them, and say, Case in point, I rest my case.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:

This.

 

[WhoopiePie]

i think you should show your husband your original post. he may not realize how bad it is for you, so bad that you lose sleep and worry that your son will hear horrible things being said about you! he is definitely the one to help you through this and stand up to your in-laws. 17 years together means he obviously cares for you but now he has to take that extra step; take a deep breath and say "Mom and Dad, if you want to be a part of my son's life, you need to be civil and respectful of his mother/my wife" that's it. they don't need to throw you a parade, they just have to treat you with common courtesy, y'know the kind they probably give to strangers! if they still treat you the same, then you should start pulling back, seeing them less and letting them see your son less, you don't want your child growing up with that kind of negativity surrounding him. kids are very sensitive.

good luck and i hope it all turns out for the better!