Need advice... co dependant empty nester helping kids

[Wifezilla]

One mom I know only gives her son food. Not store bought either. Home made stuff in gladware. She just makes a little extra when she cooks and freezes it. When she sees him she will give him a box. Or she invites him over to eat and will send him home with bagged leftovers. NO CASH EVER.

This child has a mental illness and does have judgment issues, so while there is a reason for him making bad choices, she in NO WAY enables him. The times she did give him gift cards for the grocery store, he would use it for cigarettes and junk food.

If those were my grandkids, I would get them some bento boxes and pack meals in it just for the kids. Drop some off each week or even have the kids over to "help you" with your "new hobby" and send them home with the meals afterward. Of course, mom could be a jerk and take that too, but I doubt mom and hubby would want actual good nutritious meals.

http://www.dailycuteness.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/extreme-cute-japanese-bento-lunch-boxes2.jpg

 

[Wifezilla]

And don't beat yourself up too bad. Everyone blames the mother... I admit there are some of my quirks that trace back to mine... but even so I also know that I'm grown and not a chick any more

I once told my mom that even if she was the worse parent in the world (and she wasn't but we did have issues), at SOME POINT an adult child's life is THEIR responsibility. Usually the adult child figures this out in their early 20's. My mom's friend has kids my age (40's) who are still acting like irresponsible teens.

As for the issues with me and my mom, I told her, "I met your parents. It is a wonder you didn't end up an axe murderer!" We both had a good laugh about that one.​

 

[rebelcowboysnb]

I think its time for you to go an vacation. The longer the better.

You can also find something to invest your money in to better your life but that makes it where you do not have much extra cash. That way you can honestly say you dont have it to give. They are seeing you as a bottomless bank account that will always be there. You need to ether go away or show them they found the bottom of that bank account.

 

[PineappleMama]

Rebel that reminds me... another thing my mom has done for my kids and my sisters (I think?) is to sign up for these scholarship/card thingies... cannot for the life of me recall what store but either Tom Thumb, Kroger or maybe it's American Airlines... when you use your card (member card or credit again I can't recall) then a portion is donated to a fund for whatever child's college education...

Doesn't cost a DIME, but it is an investment in the future... I know TT/K also do things like that for local and national charities too.

Zilla... funny you say that... that's what everyone says about ME!

My uncle's wife was particularly shocked "How'd you turn out so normal" I think is the way she put it.

I always said I have my dad's blood, ironically I found out that was true when I donated... I'm A+.

But yeah, MOST people figure it out at latest 25... after a few years on their own after college for instance....
But there are some who will never ever grow up... my sister, hubby's brother are good examples.
Heck my BIL is staying with my in laws as we speak...

40 years old...

My mom has a decent income, so if she chooses to help my sis I know it's not going to bankrupt her.
But hubby's parents are not doing so great right now, and having a leech eating them out of house and home is not helping...

Argh, sorry touchy subject... point is that with both I think that it is WAY past time to Sink or Swim...

Otherwise you can expect to have your retirement fund going to buy them shoes, instead of you a trip or your 'child's college education.

 

[redhen]

STOP giving them money and stuff...
I understand how you must worry about the kids though...
So..what i would do is...tell her if her KIDS are hungry and need food that you will bring them something to eat... stop giving them money!!..
of course you are going to feel guilty! Its normal to feel that way, but youre actually HURTING them more by supporting their bad behavior...
Call the state if you have any serious concerns about the kids safety or care. IF they take the kids..(which they most likely wont), they always try to find a family member to take them in first...which could be you...then you wouldnt have to worry about the kids anymore..
You have some tough choices ahead..Good luck!