Need advice on how to get a chip off my shoulder

[yomama]

I've got an "issue" that I need some advice on how to get over. Before I go into what happened, I'll say that I know that the people in life, family, aren't going to change. They are who they are, and no matter how badly I would like them to act differently, 99.9% sure it isn't going to happen, husband included. I just wish I could figure out how to move on from this, kind of "forgive, but not forget" type thing. Anyways, here's what happened: I was born with Degenerative Bilateral Osteoarthritis of the hips, or in simpler terms, Hip Displaysia. In 2007, I underwent a minor surgery to kind of help clean up the arthritis and repair the cartilage in the then, one bad hip. This didn't end up working much. So, back in June of 2011, I had my right hip replaced. It was a long time coming, as I had been in chronic pain for many years. This was the first major surgery I had ever had to endure, so needless to say, even though I was excited to get the ball rolling, I was scared. For clarification, the hospital I was at was about a 45 minute drive for my hubby's side of the family, considerably less for mine. I'm pretty close, or at least on pretty good terms, with hubby's side of the family. This consists of his parents, and his brother and sil and family. I'm pretty close with my dad, who has helped me out considerably financially and emotionally over the past couple of years. I get along with my mom, but we aren't terribly close, and I'm even less close with my brother and sil, though on pretty decent terms, as well. I was in the hospital for four days, so not an "in and out" type procedure. Aside from my dad, and my hubby and kids, no one came to visit me. My dad brought me a card, and hubby and kids brought some nice flowers and the girls made cards, which was really nice. As for everyone else, no visit, calls, cards or flowers. I got a text from my mom the second day I was there, only because my husband called her to let her know how the surgery went. She didn't even remember I was having surgery.

I got texts from my mil and fil too, which was nice. Nothing from my brother, nothing from my sister (who lives out of state, and I get along great with) and nothing from hubby's brother or sil. I was a little hurt, but not surprised. My dad was P**SSED at my brother and sister, and lets just say that my sister texted me the third day I was in there, lol. My brother didn't call for a week to see how I was. Hubby's brother and sil never said one word about my surgery, to me or anyone. I even saw them within two weeks after the surgery, at a 4'th of July parade, with a walker in hand! Again, a little hurt, but not surprised. Fast forward to Dec of 2011, when I get the second hip done. This time around, my dad, of course comes by (bringing a balloon and card). My sister did send me lots of texts, which was really nice.My mom texted me a few times.This time around, hubby brings kids, no card, no flowers, and seems agitated that he even has to be there. To make matters worse, he takes a call from his dad, while he is supposed to be visiting me. I sarcastically make slightly loud comments of "how rude it is to take a call when he is supposed to be visiting his wife in the hospital.) I was laughing, saying it jokingly (though I meant it) He has a 10 min phone call, then gets off his phone all mad at me for being rude! Fatigued from surgery and on pain meds, didn't help me from getting really upset over this. When I finally get to go home, I let loose and tell my husband how upset I am with everyone, except dad and my sister. He tells me that family did ask him how I was doing, but why didn't they call, text or even send a card. He visited them before seeing me, they could of sent one with him. I told him that he of all people could of brought me a card or flowers, superficial maybe, but sheesh, I was in the hospital. Its ok to dote on your wife during these situations, right?! The least he could of done was silence his phone, and call his dad back when he was done visiting. He apologized to me, for what he had done, and sympathized with me with the way family acted. However, I think he was partially saying those things to appease me. Anyway, I've been bothered by this since it all happened. I can't seem to let it go. I feel like everyone showed their true colors, and I'm really hurt. I think I've realized that nothing is going to change what happened, and I just want to figure out how to get over it. Anyone got any suggestions?

 

[Domestic_goddess]

I'm really sorry your going through something so difficult! I can relate because I'm not that close with my Mom or any of my siblings and I live about 6 hours away from any of them. If I want to see them, I have to go there. My one(only) brother hasn't seen our new house and we've lived here almost 2 years now. Another sibling, my oldest sister didn't say one word to me on my last birthday in October, not even a card. My mom lives in another state, and I rarely see her, let alone speak to her. I struggle every day with my family and every day I feel very saddened that we are not closer and that they don't care about me or my family. It hurts alot, but in all honesty I have to focus now on my own family, my husband and my four kids....They have to be what's most important to me. You can forgive and forget, it's not easy, but it's possible. It will take time, but you will. Good luck

 

[Hummelhill]

This always helps me refocus when I find myself feeling hurt or misunderstood..... maybe it can bring you peace as well..

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

 

[newfoundland]

I feel it is only time and distance that lends you the grace to understand and accept. When I returned home from hospital after having my third child, my husband said he had to visit his parents that day and do their shopping. He would be gone for the rest of the day, as they lived a long way from us.Weepy and emotional as I was i felt very upset and betrayed somehow. Of he went and I sat and cried with a newborn and two other young children to look after. I mentioned it later to my mum and she said, 'don't be upset, they are elderly people, who will get their shopping for them if he doesn't?' I knew she was right, I just couldn't feel anything but hurt at the time. Now, many years later, I see his choice was hard to make. There really wasn't anyone else to help, and they were lovely people whom I loved dearly. I thanked God that I hadn't said anything to him.

You are equally emotional after two lots of major surgery. Be kind to yourself. With time you will not feel upset. I am sure your family do love and care about you. I'm sure your husband was probably harassed looking after the children and worrying about you. We often don't show the best sides of ourselves when we are under pressure. Just concentrate on getting better, and the better you feel, the more trivial this will all seem. Trust me.

 

[yomama]

Thanks for the kind words. I know it is something I'll just need to get over, but it's hard. I always have a hard time letting go of stuff like this. I think I am most hurt by my husband. He sucks at communication as it is, so I know bringing it up again is only going to make me upset, while changing nothing else. I worry because it is making me distant from him, and he will never ask me whats wrong. He is one of those that will just pretend everything is fine, hoping whatever I'm upset about will just disappear. Believe it or not, we actually have done alot of counseling in the past. We learned a little, but not much changed. I'm at a point where I'm asking myself alot of questions about my life. I think with this situation happening at the same time, its just making things that much more harder to figure out.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

I come from a cold family so I understand you being upset by their distance and nonchalance. Unfortunately, they will never change. Mine thrive on hatred. If they didn't dislike me, they wouldn't feel anything at all. Sadly, this is their norm and possibly your family's norm as well. All you can do is feel bad for them and be happy at the fact that you can feel at all.

 

[redhen]

I'm sorry that you felt hurt by people.. but honestly.. i think you're being too sensitive.
Heres the thing.. it SHOWED you how those people REALLY are though,... didnt it?? Just keep it in mind when you feel the urge to go above and beyond for them... just dont do it.
Sorry you felt hurt though..

 

[redhen]

Thanks for the kind words. I know it is something I'll just need to get over, but it's hard. I always have a hard time letting go of stuff like this. I think I am most hurt by my husband. He sucks at communication as it is, so I know bringing it up again is only going to make me upset, while changing nothing else. I worry because it is making me distant from him, and he will never ask me whats wrong. He is one of those that will just pretend everything is fine, hoping whatever I'm upset about will just disappear. Believe it or not, we actually have done alot of counseling in the past. We learned a little, but not much changed. I'm at a point where I'm asking myself alot of questions about my life. I think with this situation happening at the same time, its just making things that much more harder to figure out.

Okay, heres the thing... you are really p***ed because the guy took a phone call?? There MUST be more that happend... did he only visit the ONE time?? Yeah, i'd be ripping P***ed about that for SURE... but the phone call and no balloon??

I think theres more going on between you two, and its just coming out as you being p***ed about this silly hospital incident...
Just my big mouthed opinion...

Anyways, i hope you feel better about things soon.. its hard to feel like that inside for so long.. its hard on you.

 

[Beekissed]

The thing to remember when needing to forgive and forget when people have hurt you is this: How long do you want to continue to feel the pain? Only you have control over that and no amount of wanting those people to be more considerate is going to change what happened or who they are. The only person who can control how you feel about things is...you.

When it just won't leave your mind and it goes round and round late at night when you can't get to sleep from fretting over it, say out loud, "I forgive them." You may not mean it or feel it, really, but just saying it starts a process. Every time you start to think about it and feel that hurt just say again, "I forgive them." Each time you do, just try to think of how much you don't want to feel this bad anymore.

Hummelhill had it right, though, true forgiveness is much easier when you know that you too have been forgiven of great misdeeds to another when you didn't deserve forgiveness. When I can't seem to get over that anxious and aching feeling in my chest, can't stop reviewing in my mind what was said or done, I just ask God to take it from me. I ask Him to take this feeling from my chest and these thoughts from my mind...and He just does it. I also ask Him to help me forgive those people and I usually wind up praying for them, though sometimes it is a hard thing to do.

All that gets easier with practice and, believe me, I've had the practice!

I have a very toxic family and have worked in some mighty toxic workplaces...I've had to pray for the ability to forgive many, many times. It works!

 

[debilorrah]

I'm sorry that you felt hurt by people.. but honestly.. i think you're being too sensitive.
Heres the thing.. it SHOWED you how those people REALLY are though,... didnt it?? Just keep it in mind when you feel the urge to go above and beyond for them... just dont do it.
Sorry you felt hurt though..

I agree with this. As I was reading the OP, I was thinking to myself how much I would NOT want a bunch of people trapsing in and out of my hospital room. Gimme the remote and go away.