need help editing poem, LAST school assignment!

[KattyKillFish]

Quote:
thank you. it really id going to put a damper on the rest of my month. his sister won't stop looking for him now that she is inside. for the most part she just sits on her perch, staring at the floor of her cage. i am so worried about her, she won't eat or drink and it's been quite a few hours

anywho, i finished the poem. 16 lines is a lot less than i thought, so i added a few more. it doesn't rhyme and i think it SUCKS, but tell me what you think. ANY criticism is good, editing, anything. i could have done better, i could have (and still can if you think i should) make it rhyme. i'm such a lazy kid. tried to make it sound eldery. idk.


Where have the days gone?
The days of hunting and gathering.
The days of our old values and beliefs
The days of fishing and trapping

Where are the days of simplicity and meaning.
All I see now is greed and selfishness.
All I see now are adolescents with no guidance
Their minds clouded by the pursuit of pleasure

They have forgotten their culture, their past
They have forgotten the stories of old
Were they even told?
Why don’t they ask?

The present day is full of pain
Mother earth cries out for help
But nobody hears her, they are deaf to her suffering
They are consumed by the greed and lust of today.

 

[cherig22]

It's very good.

You look at it, and if a part sounds to hokey, try some other words. And it does not need to rhyme, better without it.

Decide if you want punctuation or not. The only one that you need is the question mark, you can leave periods out. You did both, so either use them or not.

Awful thoughtful for a young person. But you can see how what you are feeling will affect your writing. Very nicely done.

Cheri

 

[BirdBrain]

Looks like a winner to me!!

 

[The Chicken Lady]

Sometimes, I think serious poems are better without rhyme. When people try too hard to rhyme, it ruins the meaning of the poem.

You've written in a style called free verse.

I think it's very good.

From,

An English Teacher

 

[BirdBrain]

One thought...you might substitute the word youth for adolescents. I just thought that might make that line flow smoother. It does sound like it might have been written by your grandma.

 

[KattyKillFish]

Quote:
lol thanks! what other word could i use? kids? i don't like the word "teenagers" it always seemed to childish to me.

i wasn't sure about using that word either but i was like "IJUSTWANNAGETTHISDAMNTHINGDONE" *bangs head on keyborad*

i'm bad at homework.

 

[KattyKillFish]

Quote:
wouldn't have noticed the punctuation if you hadn't. hanks!

i was in a big hurry

 

[KatyTheChickenLady]

Quote:
lol thanks! what other word could i use? kids? i don't like the word "teenagers" it always seemed to childish to me.

i wasn't sure about using that word either but i was like "IJUSTWANNAGETTHISDAMNTHINGDONE" *bangs head on keyborad*

i'm bad at homework.

I would use the word young.

 

[cat123]

I like it. GOod job ! and good luck...

And If you were closer I would give you at least 5 more roos!

 

[KatyTheChickenLady]

here you go;
Your grandmothers voice was to powerful to be left out. I just reaarranged your words a bit.


"oh, where all my friends go?
them died i guess, just me, only me.
them died i guess."

Where have the days gone?
Hunting, gathering, fishing and trapping.
Old values and beliefs

Modern has no simplicity no meaning,
is greed, and selfishness, maybe
The days died I guess.

Modern young have pleasure
But no past, no culture, no stories
Were they even told? Why don’t they ask?

Today is full of pain
Mother earth cries out, but nobody hears
She will suffer before her death.

"oh, where all my friends go?
them died i guess, just me, only me.
them died i guess."