*I apologize in advance for the semi-long rant... I would like to preface this with the fact that I truly am thankful that I have a job. I know there are plenty of people out there still suffering with the economy the way it is, and still plenty of people out there who are unemployed. My SO was one of those people from November of '10 'till March of '11, and even then he took about a $6/hr pay cut. * But anyways, here goes... I'm pretty sure in the 7 years I have been doing this job, I have never, ever let it bring me to tears... Not the paitents' situations, because I will freely admit to crying with a new mother who just lost their baby or taking my work home and sobbing into my pillow, I've done that... I mean the "job" it's self. Well, it happened tonight. You see, this hospital has been on a downward spiral for a long time. My job started going downhill when they pulled me from my ER tech line (which I loved) and stuck me in Med/Surg Tele hell. The icing on the crap cupcake was when the for-profit company bought us out. Since then they have laid off well over 100 people, cut staffing to the bare bones, and morale has tanked. Everyone is out to stab everyone else in the back. I remember a day when I started here (on Med/Surg before I went to ER) and I actually liked coming to work. Back then everyone helped everyone, you looked out for your own, especially on nights. Now, it's totally different, that is not the case at all. There is no time to help anyone else when you're so busy trying to get your own stuff done. We don't have enough help. We're bare bones. It has truly become all about the almighty dollar here. And who suffers in all of this? The patients. I don't come to work to make money. I come to work to help the patients. I don't feel like I can do that anymore. I don't like the person it has made me. I am 100% my old self, except on the nights before and the afternoon of the day I work. I dread it. I hate it. It makes me physically ill sometimes. Tonight it made me cry. I just laid in the bed next to Chris and cried. I am so lucky to have that man, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He dried my tears. He held me. He told me it would be ok. I know it will be ok, I know it's only 12 hours. I know all of that... so why do I hate it so much? I know most of you are thinking, "So why not just quit?" Well, because a few years ago, while I was working ER, before things got bad, I did their tuition assistance. I asked them for money to help pay for my education, and they gave it to me on the condition that I work for them for 2 years after I graduate. I won't graduate 'till May of 2013. That doesn't put me out of here until (roughly) in the spring of 2015. Unless I can come up with $5,000. And then I can't help but think of the horrible way they treated my SO. To make a long story short, they fired him for something that many, many other people have done before him (medication error) and many, many people have and will do after him, but NO ONE else was fired for. He went through "fair treatment" (non-union) and won, got his job back, but was fired again two days before his 90 day probation period was up because of a "documentation error". He could have fought through "fair treatment" again, could have gotten his job back again, but he was so tired of having a target on his back that he just gave up. It was 5 months before he found work again, and he hasn't worked since as a Paramedic. He is currently employed (and thankful for it) at Wal-Mart. To top it off I had my first patient complaint in 7 years. My boss called me to talk about it today. (I did apologize to the patient the night the incident happened, and apologized to my boss today) When I hung up the phone, rather than feel sorry for what I had done, I took the mindset of, "Well, I have apologized, what more do they want? I'm not kissing anyone's backside. I bust my hump most nights for these people and rarley get thanked, instead I'm getting critisized. You know what? My give-a-darn is busted, I just don't care anymore." I would just like to close with the fact that I am so blessed in so many other ways, I hate to sound like a whiner. I have awesome friends, I have the best man who stands beside me in everything I do and supports me more than 100%, and I have a pretty awesome family, both mine and his. I just needed to vent about this, because I don't like the person I am becoming. *sigh* I've been praying about this, I just feel like right now I could use some extra praying power. Thanks a bunch, and any advice would be appreciated.