Not ready for kids..

[mylittlechickpea]

My husband and I are pretty new, but we've known eachother for some time. We got married in January, had dated for about two years before that, and had been friends for about six years before dating. He is in the navy, and left for basic training soon after we'd started dating. I movied in with him about a year ago when he pcs'd up to New York, I'm from Nevada, so that was a big move. Anyways, back to the rant. We have talked about this before, many times. No kids. Thirty-ish sounds like a good age to us. His birthday was last week, he just turned 25. He is out to sea right now, haven't seen his beautiful face for over a month. Thank goodness this is only a "mini"-deployment and he'll be home soon enough. Right, right. That rant I was on. So we have talked about this. More times than I can count. No kids, not yet. He calls last week when they ported up somewhere else, and just out of the blue after all the "Hey, honey, I miss you, Love you" all that good stuff. Asks me if I've found any good thrift store finds, and then BLAM!!! "I think we should have kids." Like it's nothing!!! What the dilly?!? So I ask him when? "When I get home." Huh? When did this happen? No, thank you. You're going to come home knock me up, then leave for who knows how long. "Babe, I thought we were waiting for shore duty?" To which he replies that he would like to get a head start so that it's already cute when he get's home...... I have a chicken and I can't even handle myself! "I thought you wanted a rabbit?" "I do, but I want a kid, too" Ugh!! I'm hoping that this is fleeting. That it might just be his "25 life crisis". I guess I'll find out soon enough when I see him again. But, from what little I know of his schedule, if I were to get knocked up when he comes home, I would be alone through most of the pregnancy and I think the little booger would be about 6-8 weeks when he would back.. So, again, I say "No, thank you"

 

[PineappleMama]

I'm with you on this one. At the very least he shouldn't have said the bit about 'it' being cute when he finally meets it.

Like pregnancy and labor are just a walk in the park, n'mind the months of diapers, nursing/formula, NO sleep before they get to the age most consider 'cute'... oh, and BTW that's with TWO parents... with just one tackling all that it's a lot harder.

Yeah, that's just beyond tacky. It would make me feel like I was nothing more than a brood mare. I know some are old school, but in this day and age MOST men understand that it takes TWO parents to raise a child, and for the mother and child's sake a loving supportive home during the pregnancy is a good thing.

What the heck would he do if something went wrong? And there are many things that could. Not trying to be scary, but pregnancy is not a walk in the park and I'm not gonna lie. It's totally worth it, if you want the child, but there are some scary moments even in a totally healthy experience. To have to do it all alone... gah... sorry but I can't post what I am thinking about this guy right now... not on a family forum anyways.

 

[mylittlechickpea]

I don't mean to make husband sound like a jerk or anything, but I really don't think he was thinking when that one plopped out of mouth

The cute comment. It may have been "cuter" but either way.. I dunno, it may have something to do with guys with older kids on the boat, so when they see there daddies come home, and get to go running and smiling into there big strong daddy arms, that they've missed so much. I don't know. Those mom's that can handle that, they have my admiration, I don't know how they do it. One girl in my neighborhood has a toddler, her husband recently got home from a ten month deployment and she's prego again... I don't think she wanted this one right now, though. She's in the same boat of "You come home and do this, and then you're gone for who knows how long? While I'm here raising your kids by myself, and you're wondering why I'm not takign classes or have a job?" She's so nice though, She get's so wiped out by the one, and I can't imagine how the poor girl is going to be with another!!

 

[PineappleMama]

Yeah, there's NO way I could live that life. My DH acted like that and he'd go AWOL permanently.

I can understand where he's coming from. I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.
But he doesn't seem to realize that there is a lot more to being a parent than a pat on the head once a year.

And he's not giving a fig about your feelings, OR YOUR HEALTH by talking about leaving you to deal with that all on your own.

I'd tell him that the way he's talking makes me think that he just sees me as a brood mare, and I would ask him 'what's going to happen if when you come home your child doesn't run to you because they have no clue who you are? If you wait until you've got both feet on the ground (shore job) then that child is going to know you from day one. Know your love, know your strength, and be able to return that love.

I know what it's like to have an absent parent. My dad lives in Arkansas and I got to see him 1-2 weeks in the summer. It was WEIRD!! No idea how to talk to the man. Feeling like he didn't give a crap about me. That he didn't want me. Or else I'd be there with him, or he'd be in Texas near us. It wasn't until I was 16 that we finally broke down that wall and starting TALKING. And it took a catastrophe for that to finally happen. There are plenty of cases where there's no help for it. Divorce, death, active duty... it happens and you deal with it. But for everyone's sake, if you can avoid those extra complications then you should try. You'll have a much happier baby.

Just my thoughts, feel free to totally ignore that ramble... but I tried putting myself in your shoes and that's what came to mind.

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you would make a wonderful mother. Anyone who puts that much thought, that much love into a child that doesn't even exist yet is bound to be a fabulously loving mother when you do feel that first flutter.

 

[mylittlechickpea]

The reason we have talked about it so much is that his dad was active duty when he was kid, and he didn't really get to know hsi dad til he was about six and finally shore duty/retirement soon after. So he wants to be there to know his kid, so again I'm just hoping that it might be his mid-life 25 crisis... Otherwise, he'll be thoroughly disappointed. I do think a rabbit should keep him under wraps for a while, though.

And thanks about the good mom comment, makes me blush

His mom wants to know when she's getting grandkids because she is also SO sure of what a great mom I'll be...

I think she's just got baby fever though, our little nephew is seven months, and the cutest (and only) little nephew we have

I am knitting him a little chicken toy right now, he should have it in a couple weeks. It's so stinkin cute! Both the chicken and the baby could be refered to in that last comment..

 

[PineappleMama]

Ohh you'll have to post pics... I love crafty things though I've never gotten the knack of the needles.

None of the parents in our family have had to worry about the lack of grands, so I can't speak from that area, won't try. But, seems like that nephew should keep her occupied for a little while anyways. Maybe talk them into letting Grama take him for the weekend... often... hehe... maybe won't be in such a rush to have more.

It's funny you mention the 25 thing, as that'll be my sister's next b-day. The Quarter of a Century mark... I remember thinking "how the hell did that happen" when my time came. My sister just had her third and last in December... I've mentioned her on here before... I have no doubt that her kids would have been a lot better off it she'd waited until she was more mature to have them... jeez the things my niece has seen... and I know I don't know the half of it... just makes me want to cry.

Not that either of ours were planned, but you suck it up and grow up and hopefully by the time the little one arrives you're more ready for it. I wouldn't change a thing, I love my kids exactly as they are. But, I also totally respect folks that take their time and plan... just remember fate has a funny way of letting you know when you're ready. From peeps I've known and stories I've read stress is a huge problem for couples trying to conceive... maybe that'd be a good argument for NOT stressing and letting nature take it's course? Eh, worth a shot.

OY, this is what comes of being home with the dogs and awake at 4am... I'ma get some joe.

See, perfect example... AWAY at 4am... sheesh.

 

[mylittlechickpea]

I'll definately put some pics up of that oen when it's done. I LOVE showing off my knitting and sewing projects

It's a lot smaller than I than I thought it would be so maybe I'll make two, this one is white, it's made to look like chickpea, but maybe if i make another I'll get some brown or black, ooh, or maybe a barred chicken!!

I'm actually surprised with myself sometimes, that nature hasn't taken it's course with the whole kid thing.. I'm so terrible at taking the pill everyday.. But yea, I don't want to sit there and stress out if my time has passed when we do decide on kids, so if it's meant to be, it's meant to be... I'll just have to grow up a little more, give the baby my chickens room and make the chicken sleep outside

 

[Frosty]

When my DD was about 16 months old, DH and I did a PCS and I came back stateside about a month before he did. When he arrived, DD didn't recognize him and was terrified. Then he had to leave for at least a week every month in addition to various TDY's and I was alone raising two kids while working (we were both in the AF). It wasn't easy, and I don't think it was the best for the kids. Hopefully, somebody that he is with just had a baby and planted those thoughts and he'll forget about it... Just make sure that he knows that if he is gone until the baby is 'cute', the baby won't know him and will probably run screaming in terror when he even tries to touch it. I think the idea of waiting is much better!

 

[geebs]

Before you jump up and down.... Think deeply... oh and yep the part about the cute kid... that was a totally male statement huh?? ha ha.... He is nesting....He is missing you... He is searching for a connection...Be careful when you rebuke him here that you don't tell him you don't WANT to have kids... Take the pill and smile... Let him live on his hope... make sure that you don't demasculate him. What he is probably saying is... "All the guys have families. I want to feel a connections to you and have security knowing you are waiting for me at home. I want to come home to you and have a life." He may feel a little insecure that he doesn't have a lot of control over his environment and this is his way of compensating for that...Evening out the scale in his own mind. Be cautious not to tip the scale with your words. Wow sounds like a great idea!!! Let's start a family.. Great..I though I would fix up the nursery first and get ready for you to come home!!! Wow I would hate to miss out on the Family time with the little one and have you miss a minute of it!!! I want to SHARE THE EXPERIENCE of the baby having with you... so as great as the idea sounds I will get ready by fixing up the house and shopping for it...

( and take you pill, IUD whatever)

 

[chickenofthesea]

Quote:
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though I did edit the pill part... I don't think that'll go over well, if he ever finds out she was smiling in his face, and popping them behind his back?