Office Work, Part Deux: Professional Mayhen

[saddina]

'I gave up and bought eggs. Really someone needs to stop me from brousing the egg listings.

 

[LarryPQ]

saddina...put the computer down.

 

[saddina]

Quote:

it's a laptop.

 

[maple]

Quote:
Thanks for the huggies everybody... I needs them badly. Zoe's cat has been lovin on me lots today...he must know I need em too.




I can talk to them and as it is worded in the court papers as "reasonable" phone calls and if the girls want to call me they can. I have talked to them a few times... I don't want to call them so much they have a hard time of it...being away... so I've called them every few days. It's hard though... Ava the youngest is hard to understand on the phone... I know she holds the phone funny but I can't figure if she's got it right up at her mouth and is pushing her lips on it or what? I also had them word it where I am not put on speaker phone...like x pulled over X-mas and Springbreak. I said I did NOT want to be on speaker phone and I wanted private calls...meaning, quit puttin me on speaker and let the girls have the phone and go to the next room so they can feel comfortable telling me stuff if they needed to but i know i am on speaker phone still. Before they left me and Zoe-the oldest came up with a "code word," in case there was trouble and I took her to a pysch who told her when it was ok to call 911 if needed. She said she thought my oldest was a highly sensitive child and not only worried about herself but also for her sister and very intelligent and thought she would not abuse the 911 thing and only use it if it was really needed. Because we talked about if x was mad cuz she didn't pick up her toys...that's not a time to call or if he wanted her to do some math homework (she needs to keep up over the summer) and she didn't want to and he raised his voice...that is not a time to call. But if he was being a big bully and she was scared.... then that would be the time to call. I think he'll be on his best behavior right now but I can't help but know what I know about how he is.... So I wanted to arm my oldest on the subject without trying to scare her with stories but rather trying to keep it? as benign as I could but giving her the needed info...and telling her and Ava that they had to watch out for one another and be nice to one another and if one was sad I asked what kind of things each of them could do to help them through that? I did not feel Ava was ready to have the 911 talk...she's too young right now to get it...it's not like a fire or mommy having a heart attack...we already had that convo when I got home after my heart attack...it's something different.

There was all this rustling on the phone the other night and I could tell Ava was happy and smiling but what was she doing??? So I asked her and she said she was upside down. Well, that right there could make it hard to understand her...but she wasn't talking...she was just listening to me but in a good mood at least...at the moment...till it was Zoe's turn and Zoe started telling me stuff which made Ava want to tell me something...so Zoe would hand the phone to Ava so she could tell me and then I'd say, Ok, it's still Zoe's turn, give the phone back to Zoe and then Ava got really upset and started to cry but I told her I would talk to her again but I wanted to hear what Zoe had to say and when we were done I would talk to her again. It didn't matter...she gets in a mood...she's in a mood. So x comes and asks what is going on? but in an accusitory tone and I explain and then he lightens his tone and tries to calm Ava and has Zoe go into the next bedroom but then Ava tries to crawl to that room and X pulled her leg and drug her back to the other room they were in...so then Ava gets on the phone again cuz I realize Zoe and I are having a hard time talking and I figure we'll talk in a few days again when things are settled back down so Ava's on the phone crying about daddy pulling her leg and making her forhead hit the floor....but I know when it happened that Zoe saw it and told me about it and she said, she saw Ava smiling. But for whatever reason now Ava's telling me the story like she's being abused...which I know isn't really what was happening and I'm telling her... Settle down sweety... I don't know what you are saying when you are crying. And I said, but you are ok now right? And you'll be ok... Zoe said you smiled so it couldn't have been that bad.... I love you sweety and I'll talk to you later....

Then x gets on and explains and I said, I know... I think she's probably just tired and missing mommy...she'll be ok.


And I have to keep telling myself that... they'll be ok. Ava got really emotional that night but she started out happy. They had been boating and went to Bush gardens and saw x's girlfriend's family and had a busy weekend and were probably just really tired and it has been a while for them to be away and yeah, the effects are probably starting to show... they probably are ready for it to be done and to come home. Zoe said Bush gardens---which is in walking distance from the house...shoots off fireworks EVERY night in July and she does not like it and she can't sleep and she likes it better the way they do it at home, meaning one night and done. So they are selling that house anyway since they are going to be going to Korea in March and who knows wheere they will be when his tour is done.

I'm just hoping the time goes by quickly for everyones sake...I mean July goes by quickly...after that time can slow back down. I just miss them so much...just want them near me and to hold them.

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

Maple, does it help you to think like x days gone, vs x days left? When DH is deployed, if I think it's 8 more months, I am a wreck. But, if I think 1 month done and he is still safe, I can manage. Still a wreck, but I can fake normal.

 

[maple]

eh.


I went to the store right before 9 to get cat food so they didn't bug me all night long since they were out...I got catfood, hot fudge, and 2 beanie babies.


really...i'm fine. sniff sniff.

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

Maple, what can I do to help?

 

[maple]

Not sure really what would help... Havin my girls back and things back to "normal."

I realized last night too that I'm in a new house and it's doesn't feel like "home" without them here...everything feels so foreign, ya know?

 

[saddina]

Honey you need something to do, so you don't go nuts in the next month. Any hobbies you'd like to do? or a room to paint/decorate/organize? Any movies you've been meaning to see?

 

[maple]

I've got a house I need to unpack and wanted to paint Zoe's room and decorate.... it's just well, I'm in pain because of my herniated discs and I sleep terribly lately and then I don't have the get up and do it ooomph in me to do it and I know there's stuff I NEED to do...but I'm not and I feel fatigued and I'm in pain and am overwhelmed and it's depressing me and the stupid stupid pain...it's constant...it doesn't go away... meds barely touch it and my heart dr. doesn't want me off my heart pills to try the epidural shot but I already did that once (when his office said I could but later he found out and got mad at his nurses and told me I could have died...) but anyway, it didn't work...why would I think another shot will do it? So I get mad and feel cinical about things in life. My friggon arm is numb and I drop things...I can't hold onto stuff like the juice container without both hands and I even dropped my fork the other night. Then I've got the deposition coming up and they are gonna fight me on alimony and it all boils down to my health apparently and I'm just sick of it all. I don't want to be sick and I don't want them to think... I'm so sick or incapable of caring for my children...which his lawyer said after reading my S.S. claim that still hasn't happened because I'm waiting on a court date and I'm so tired of proving myself and fearing how I'm going to make ends meet if I don't get the alimony. I'd like them to feel what it feels inside my body so they will just shut up.

My left leg still aches and I have stomach cramps...my dr. thinks it may be endometreosis but can't do anything to test because of my heart... They think I have sleep apnea and I have a sleep study on the 14th...yuck. I'm so paranoid about my heart now that I've had a heart attack and then further hospitalization because of it. I live my days and nights in fear. Then I've been getting my dizzy spells/vertigo again-- I think from my meneire's? I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to be put in this situation. I'd rather be healthy and not give a crap about what happens in this divorce...I just want it over with already...but it's not that easy... I've got to fight fight fight and I'm tired of fighting... I just want to crawl under the covers and have it all go away...but it won't... I know it won't and I know I have to get up and fight... I've got to go to the deposition and fight. I've got to go back to the welfare office so I can have medical coverage when the divorce is final. I've got to go to the dr.'s to get the sleep study and I've got to do the physical therapy...even if I'm cynical and don't believe it will help. The friggon nerve is pinched...I've done the stretches...I've done the traction...I've done it, and did it do anything? No. So lets try it again I guess that's what the dr. wants to do...great but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like getting the door today when it was the Jehova's witness when I've got boxes in front of the front door and the dogs are going ballistic and I was sleeping and I'm in my pj's and the stupid door doesn't have a curtain on it so they can totally see me...and I want everyone to go away...just go away and leave me alone. I'll come out and deal with life when it doesn't hurt so much and when my mood isn't verging on hatred for irritating things...like barking dogs, cramped up house because I'm not done unpacking, and uninvited persons on my door step.

........

I've been watching movies...yes and I like it. I have satelitte and 3 months free movie channels that I have to cancel soon...the free movie channels that is...so I have been taking advantage of watching them... there's a lot of movies I have not seen.