Parenting teens is HARD - rant! Update on pg.4

[redhen]

Quote:
My daughter works two jobs and goes to college. She is hardly a bum. She maintained honors all through high school. having a social life did not scar her for life.

And they drink whether you "let" them or not. Catch a clue parents - your kids are doing these things. They are not going to stop because you tell them to. Sheesh. if only it were that easy - tell them not to do it and they won't. I think a lot of parents are very naive.

EEk! I never called YOUR kid a bum hiker!

I was giving an example..

OOh, and as for the naive part..LOL..not me baby...I've been around the block a FEW times in my day..i know what i know..

 

[redhen]

Quote:
right! when you allow your kid to go drinking you are teaching them no morals and that being a partier is an okay way of life.AND trust me when i say that ALOT of kids will keep that "its okay to party" mentality all their lives...(you know the type of people i'm talking about....loosers!) So..even if a kid has to sneak...they at least get the message from their parents that its NOT okay... Does no one see this or what..

so you are teaching them to lie to the most important people in their lives? Very moral, yes, I see it.

Your a hoot hiker!

 

[texasgal]

I'm going to chime in..

I guess my problem is with the attitude that if you let them do something once, they now have a right to do it WHENEVER they want..

I mean, this young man sounds like he has plenty of freedom, a full social calendar, and supportive parents. But the one time that mom gets a gut feeling and asks him to come home .. he cops an attitude.

My girls learned early on that just because I bought them something in the store once, doesn't mean they get something every time we go in the store .. and if they pitch a fit, they won't get something next time either.

There are so many examples.

Children have to learn to deal with rules and disappointment. When they become teens, many are going to try you, push, rebel, etc... to some degree or another. I think that's God's way of preparing them, and us, for "departure"... BUT,

.. with all that freedom they think they have to have comes TONS of responsibility, and there has to be some kind of structure and very clear boundaries.... with consequences. Cross the line, pay the consequence. They will deal with that their whole life.

A child who isn't mature enough to live on their own, isn't mature enough to make some decisions for themselves. If they are still relying on my provision and my protection, they can certainly follow a simple set of rules concerning curfews and acceptable behavior.

Their bosses will require it of them, and the law will require it of them ...

Just because we know that they are going to make some stupid decisions, doesn't mean we have to ALLOW them to without consequences.

JMO.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Yeah, what she said!

 

[thechickenchick]

Quote:
Yeah, what she said!

I agree too!

Sometimes it hard on us as parents too. I don't think kids realize this, at least not until they have kids of their own.

The last trimester of school this past year my son dropped off the Honor roll for the first time. I was so upset. It was simply because he was in a hurry to do more fun things. I wanted to make sure there was not another reason and we were not missing something. He finally said he really had no reason. I had let him have alot of freedom because in the past he was still keeping up with his grades. Well i felt guilty because I just assumed he was still keeping up with his grades. This was my hint that he was slowly turning into a teenager and pushing the boundaries. All of a sudden the way he talked to ,me started to change and he would not return my calls asap. Like he always had. So I decided I Had better pay more attention.

He wanted to take Drivers Ed. We decided it was a great idea but we didn't want him to have the same attitude about this class as he did the last trimester of school. To make him realize how important this was we threatened that we would make him repay us if he failed. We wanted him to take it seriously. He would need a 80% to pass. We helped him with everything we could and made sure he had the resources for the extra credit. Well he still failed.

It was so hard to follow through and take that $ from our child! I did not want to but I knew I had better follow through. I did not want him to get the idea that we don't mean what we say. So I took him to the bank and had him withdraw the $125.

Turns out we were leaving the same day for vacation. That only left him with$15 in the ban k. We felt awful so we let him keep $25 so he could have some spending $ for our trip. He was really good about it and didn't ask for a thing the whole trip. But boy was it hard to follow through on that one.

Now I know what my Mom meant when she said , this hurts me more than it hurts you!!

 

[texasgal]

That's one thing I keep drilling into my husband's head .. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY...

Consistency, consistency, consistency .. and don't say it, if you aren't willing to DO it ..

WTG mom!!

BTW, I did the same with my 17 year old .. she was always responsible with her homework etc, and I didn't watch her as closely, then BOOM .. bad grades .. she had other things she PREFERED doing and made irresponsible decisions .. now I watch her more closely.

 

[HennysMom]

Quote:
Yeah, what she said!

I agree too!

Sometimes it hard on us as parents too. I don't think kids realize this, at least not until they have kids of their own.

The last trimester of school this past year my son dropped off the Honor roll for the first time. I was so upset. It was simply because he was in a hurry to do more fun things. I wanted to make sure there was not another reason and we were not missing something. He finally said he really had no reason. I had let him have alot of freedom because in the past he was still keeping up with his grades. Well i felt guilty because I just assumed he was still keeping up with his grades. This was my hint that he was slowly turning into a teenager and pushing the boundaries. All of a sudden the way he talked to ,me started to change and he would not return my calls asap. Like he always had. So I decided I Had better pay more attention.

He wanted to take Drivers Ed. We decided it was a great idea but we didn't want him to have the same attitude about this class as he did the last trimester of school. To make him realize how important this was we threatened that we would make him repay us if he failed. We wanted him to take it seriously. He would need a 80% to pass. We helped him with everything we could and made sure he had the resources for the extra credit. Well he still failed.

It was so hard to follow through and take that $ from our child! I did not want to but I knew I had better follow through. I did not want him to get the idea that we don't mean what we say. So I took him to the bank and had him withdraw the $125.

Turns out we were leaving the same day for vacation. That only left him with$15 in the ban k. We felt awful so we let him keep $25 so he could have some spending $ for our trip. He was really good about it and didn't ask for a thing the whole trip. But boy was it hard to follow through on that one.

Now I know what my Mom meant when she said , this hurts me more than it hurts you!!

it sucks to do it...but they get the picture in the end that way.

WTG!

 

[georgialee]

All I can say is my sister is 17 and EXACTLY the same way.

 

[Horsewell]

Ok i've read though -most- of this thread, and i would just like to say,

I'm a teenager, i come from a well off family and have a brother that is 17. My parents have always given us freedom to do as we want (within reason ofcourse) as long as we respect them, have our cells on us at all times so they can contact us when they need to, and if we tell them exactly where were going, aswell as who with, and what times we will be home.

It's been this way ever since i can remember, and we have stuck to it, so now, if i want to go to a party, i ask permission, if they say no, i do question it and if its a valid reason then i will listen and not go.
So i believe the main thing parents have to learn with teenagers is to set the rules and boundries, but also to listen to them, and sometimes ajust the rules slightly, so we can feel like our parents are letting us grow up, and have that extra bit of freedom.

As for punishments, well, my parents are tough if we don't listen to them, and i believe that has helped. I have top grades, and if they start to slip then i wont be allowed out to parties or with friends untill they are back up to high standards. Also, at the parties i don't drink and am responsable when it comes to getting home, and sometimes getting my friends home safely.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

There is a huge difference between having a free run and giving a kid so many boundaries that to have any freedom at all he/she has to break rules.

The goal is to raise responsible adults. Kids need to make mistakes--that is how they learn. As a parent we want to guide them so that the mistakes they make will not have lasting consequences. In general the kidws who seem to suffer lasting consequences are those who have no boundaries or those whose boundaries are so tight that even the most non-rebellious kid would rebel.

Holding an outside job, and being responsible to someone other than mom and dad is an important part of growing up. I think it a mistake to say, "no, you can't--we'll find you jobs to do around the house." It's not a mistake to offer household jobs, and to even expect some household work. But you need to backoff and set specific boundaries that allow some freedom and independence.

Where are you going and when will you be home? Whose parents will be there? Who is driving? Who is going to be there? Have you finished your chores? Will you do X before you go/when you get home?

Decide whether or not to allow your child to ride with or drive other kids; decide on a curfew time; make sure your child is the occasional host--and get to know his friends.

Social life and skills are a very important part of growing up, learning how to balance work and play is also important. As long as you perform that balancing, he doesn't learn how to do it on his own.