Parenting teens is HARD - rant! Update on pg.4

[Chickenmaven]

He did come home when we asked him to, last night. And, he was polite and helpful this morning. HOWEVER, about 20 minutes ago, we were in the kitchen together and he said that a friend of his told him that wards of the State get free college(!) So, he explains, if Dad every made good with that *my way or the highway* threat, DS would do just fine without us

. When I tried to explain to him that the info received might not apply to a middle class boy with two parents, he acted huffy & excused himself.
Give me strength!

 

[HennysMom]

Quote:

Oh my.... here.. you have have my strength.... he so sounds like my daughter. Go forth and show him just HOW much of a "ward" he will now become (and wont like btw

)

1. Ward will now get a summer job and keep it through school

2. Ward will now pay for cell phone bills, car insurance, and gas money

3. Ward will give 10 % of his earnings to tithing or some other charity if you dont attend church - there are homeless out there you know that could use that money

Ward will also work at the homeless shelter/food bank at least once a week cooking and serving food to those less fortunate, including those teens that he DOESNT SEE... since he thinks its "so great" to be an actual WARD of the state.

4. Ward will pay you $25.00 a week in room and board - uhm...food isnt free, laundry deterent and TP paper either.

5. Ward now does his own laundry... he's a big boy after all and doesnt "need' mommy or daddy looking after him, right?

6. Ward now has a bed time - after all - wards of the state do....

7. Ward also has a curfew weekdays are now 9:00 (because bedtime is 10:00 ) and weekends are now 10:00 (because bedtime is 11:00)

8. Ward must pay for any and all doctor copays...music, exta "fun things" like movies, nights out, etc. If "ward" doesnt have the $ to go... ward doesnt go, period.

9. If ward talks back.. ward gets grounded... not open for discussion, end of story.

10. If WARD really wants to push Mom and Dad - then you can take WARD to court and get a Child in Need of Supervision put against him... by a judge... and lets start enacting that actual "WARD" thing in motion, eh?

Oh I could go on and on an on... afterall - "wards" are just that - WARDS OF SOMEONE ELSE.

See how long that lasts with your son - but you have to stick by everything - at least 2-3 weeks... if not longer. He'll get the picture. And... wards also dont have internet access... or TV time...so out the door that goes too!

You are bringing back sooooo many memories.... *sighs*.... as I said... If I had to do it over again........ I know what I'd do this time. And YES.. we did all of the above - room and board was paid by doing "extra chores" and she hated every bit of it! We also took her to Juvinile Hall to a program called "Scared Straight" that put kids in Juvie for 12 hours - (see..she also pulled one of those "if you dont let me do what I want....I'll complain to Social Services" type of deals....) we didnt budge... she complained.... and thats where she ended up LMAO!! *sorry.... backfired on her*

I find it funny actually....she got scared straight all right...for a little while anyway.

 

[hikerchick]

Quote:
When you indicate "gf", I am assuming a dating partner. I'm sorry, it is not my version of "normal" for a child your age to be living with their "gf". I hope you have a good head on your shoulders & are "careful".

I am alarmed at some posts that characterize drinking & sex as expected, acceptable behaviors.

I realize that some kids do & we have been very open with our kids about these matters. We have been open about birthcontrol & disease control & drinking. I will pick my son up anytime he calls, no questions. But I am not the mom who will be hosting the kegger at her place. I think of my friend L & her son. The son was just "being normal" & "letting his hair down" (or whatever). Ended up in a crash with a friend. The friend is fine today. L's son has been in a wheelchair for 8 years.

Drinking is not the same as drinking and driving. One is expected, one is not. Ironically, it was the kids whose parents took the hard line zero tolerance route that were always driving home drunk because they couldn't be honest with their parents; whereas my daughter would call and say -I am not coming home. I have been drinking. Her friends didn't have the luxury of doing that and so they drove home drunk. Which would you prefer?

Whether you think it is acceptable or not is what teens do. You dont' have to like it as a parent - I never did - but forcing them to go underground is counterproductive. My goal was to keep my daughter as safe as possible. Forcing her to sneak around doesn't accomplish that.

 

[HennysMom]

Quote:
When you indicate "gf", I am assuming a dating partner. I'm sorry, it is not my version of "normal" for a child your age to be living with their "gf". I hope you have a good head on your shoulders & are "careful".

I am alarmed at some posts that characterize drinking & sex as expected, acceptable behaviors.

I realize that some kids do & we have been very open with our kids about these matters. We have been open about birthcontrol & disease control & drinking. I will pick my son up anytime he calls, no questions. But I am not the mom who will be hosting the kegger at her place. I think of my friend L & her son. The son was just "being normal" & "letting his hair down" (or whatever). Ended up in a crash with a friend. The friend is fine today. L's son has been in a wheelchair for 8 years.

Drinking is not the same as drinking and driving. One is expected, one is not. Ironically, it was the kids whose parents took the hard line zero tolerance route that were always driving home drunk because they couldn't be honest with their parents; whereas my daughter would call and say -I am not coming home. I have been drinking. Her friends didn't have the luxury of doing that and so they drove home drunk. Which would you prefer?

Whether you think it is acceptable or not is what teens do. You dont' have to like it as a parent - I never did - but forcing them to go underground is counterproductive. My goal was to keep my daughter as safe as possible. Forcing her to sneak around doesn't accomplish that.

Hikerchick - have to disagree with you on that - drinking is not an "accepted thing" by all teens, sorry. I know plently of parents with teens - including my own daughter - even though she's not the best judgement maker - she doesnt drink, and neither do most of our friends kids. Its a choice one makes...and its how their raised as well. Will some kids try it before legal drinking age? Sure... but that doesnt mean ALL teens will.

 

[Chickenmaven]

I did not drink until I was out of my mother's home. I did not want her to scream at me. I did not want her to give me a hard time.
I did not want to deal with her WRATH!


(I think she had her bluff in pretty good....

).

 

[hikerchick]

Quote:
Drinking is not the same as drinking and driving. One is expected, one is not. Ironically, it was the kids whose parents took the hard line zero tolerance route that were always driving home drunk because they couldn't be honest with their parents; whereas my daughter would call and say -I am not coming home. I have been drinking. Her friends didn't have the luxury of doing that and so they drove home drunk. Which would you prefer?

Whether you think it is acceptable or not is what teens do. You dont' have to like it as a parent - I never did - but forcing them to go underground is counterproductive. My goal was to keep my daughter as safe as possible. Forcing her to sneak around doesn't accomplish that.

Hikerchick - have to disagree with you on that - drinking is not an "accepted thing" by all teens, sorry. I know plently of parents with teens - including my own daughter - even though she's not the best judgement maker - she doesnt drink, and neither do most of our friends kids. Its a choice one makes...and its how their raised as well. Will some kids try it before legal drinking age? Sure... but that doesnt mean ALL teens will.

Many of my daughter's friend's parents think the same thing. They would be shocked to know what I know about their own kids. Guess what? They have sex too. good kids do these things. Good parents acknowledge it and don't hide behind "not my kid".

 

[Beekissed]

Quote:
As a single mother of 3 sons, I will tell you to trust your instincts on this one. Teens do not need to have constant entertainment and titillation to turn out normal, nor do they " miss out" on teen years if they don't get to go and do everything that everyone else is doing.

Trust your gut and don't let any manipulation of your emotions win out. You won't be sorry about establishing some rules, limiting some of the "fun" opportunities and insisting on more time spent at home. You have one job in this world, in regards to your children and that job is not making sure their social agenda is free and full.....its to keep them safe, teach them good values and insure they can care for themselves when they reach adulthood.

You're not obligated to be the "cool" mom who lets their kids do whatever and whenever.....these are often the moms who are crying to everyone when their teen racks up the car while driving drunk or whose girl has gotten pregnant.

 

[MysticScorpio82]

Alright, I have to add my 2 cents

. Let me start by saying I am 26 years old. I will be 27 in Novemeber. The first thing I wanted talk about is responsiblity. I agree with Henery's Mom. When I was growing up, I was never responsible for anything except maybe doing dishes once in a while. My mother esspecially did everything for me, never made me be responsible, and I am suffer for that to this day. I was allowed to go to friends when I wanted and do what I wanted because I was only a teen once so I should live it up...

And my family (DH, DD and I) are suffering for it today. Had I been made accountable, been expected and taught responsiblity maybe had some boundaries when I was growing, I think things would be different. With the help of my husband I am learning slowly, but I still have trouble with money, (being responsible), doing things around the house and stuff because I am I want to do what I want to do... I recognize this problem and I am working on it. That is why I got chickens, to help me learn to be responsible (and it is working so far! Yay!) I hate being this way. I used to wonder why I was until I had my daughter. That is when I saw what happened. Whenever I bring my daughter to my mother's, my mother is instistant on doing EVERYTHING for her. (for example if she is coloring and then is done I ask her to pick up her crayons, my mom says "oh don't worry about that dear, grammy will take care of it for you, you go play.) And that is when I remembered her doing the same thing to me. Now that I know the root of my problem I refuse to repeat it. Lilly is a very good and responsible 3 year old who picks up after herself and can get her own juice out of the fridge.

My point with my story is not self-pity or to be attacked. I know my problems and I am working on them. My point is sometimes parents want to protect our kids from doing things for themselves because they feel that is taking care of your child or they feel teenagers are only kids once and should enjoy it, but I say to you, from experience, that is a mistake. Yes Teens should be able to see friends and have fun, but in moderation. This is the time that is preparing them to be adults and if they do not learn what they need to do to be responsible, accountable, save money, priorities, etc., then they will not be very sucussful as adults and they will struggle. Obviously an Iron fist will spark rebellion, but too much lienancy will spark failure.

 

[Sillystunt]

Quote:
Hikerchick - have to disagree with you on that - drinking is not an "accepted thing" by all teens, sorry. I know plently of parents with teens - including my own daughter - even though she's not the best judgement maker - she doesnt drink, and neither do most of our friends kids. Its a choice one makes...and its how their raised as well. Will some kids try it before legal drinking age? Sure... but that doesnt mean ALL teens will.

Many of my daughter's friend's parents think the same thing. They would be shocked to know what I know about their own kids. Guess what? They have sex too. good kids do these things. Good parents acknowledge it and don't hide behind "not my kid".

Hit that nail on the head!

 

[Buff Hooligans]

Who is signing our DH's up for vasectomies right about now?