Post Your Best Joke!!!

[sandman55]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police
Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver
Is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he
Notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the
Back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that
Driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
Exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
Was the highway number, not the speed limit... A bit embarrassed, the
Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These
Women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the
Officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway
189."

 

[SweetCitrine]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house
Knock knock! XD

 

[sandman55]

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mickey.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed.”

 

[SweetCitrine]

Good one hey what is green and has wheels?

 

[sandman55]

A motorised green apple

 

[SweetCitrine]

A motorised green apple

No grass I lied about the wheels part! XD

 

[sandman55]

THE ROOSTER​

There was a farmer who ran a mixed farm of chickens, ducks, sheep, cattle, etc. Unfortunately times were bad and he wasn’t making much money, but there was still money in chickens and he decided to get a good rooster to build up the bloodline of his chickens.

At the chicken stud farm they had an exceptional rooster from a top blood line but it was very expensive. After much thought the farmer decided to buy the rooster and take it home.

Before he introduced the eager rooster to his chickens he gave it a good talking to, he said, "now you've cost me a lot of money and though I want a return for my money I want you to pace yourself remember Rome wasn’t built in a day, I don’t want you to wear yourself out in one day and drop dead the next". With that he let the rooster free in the hen house, well within 20 minutes he had serviced all 300 of his hens, within another 20 minutes he had serviced them again, he was halfway through servicing his exhausted hens for a third time when the farmer decided that was enough he would end up doing more harm than good so he opened the gate and chased the rooster out.

The rooster shot down to the duck pond and started servicing the ducks, by the time the farmer got there, all around him were totally exhausted ducks lying everywhere within an inch of their lives, the farmer chased the rooster away from the ducks but it ended up the same story with the geese, and then the sheep, and then his dairy cows, when the farmer had chased the rooster away from the dairy cows he went back to the farm house for a net to catch the rooster before it did itself an injury as it had cost him a lot of money.

The farmer then went looking for the rooster in the horse paddock there were exhausted horses every where but no rooster. After looking for a while he noticed a flock of vultures circling in the air above the corner of the paddock, his worst fears were realised, there was the rooster lying on his back, his legs in the air, his head to one side and his tongue hanging out, about to become dinner for the vultures.

The farmer went up to him with tears in his eyes he said "I told you to pace yourself, to go easy, now look what you’ve done you've killed yourself".

With that the rooster opened one eye quickly looked up to the sky then said "ssshhhh they’re getting closer!!!!!!!"

 

[jennapoole]

THAT

 

[jennapoole]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Whoa man! You have a ship steering wheel on your belt buckle!" The pirate replies, "Arrrrrr, I know! It's driving me nuts!"

 

[Oliver Douglas]

A forest Ranger walking through the deep woods finds a disheveled transient sound asleep next to a cold camp fire. Strewn around the ground are the remains of an endangered Spotted Owl. He rouses and man, and takes him into custody under the Endangered Species Act. The next day, the man appears before a judge. The judge says "You are facing serious charges. The Spotted Owl has been declared an Endangered Species...you are in violation of Federal law...how do you plead?"

"Guilty, your honor, but there are extenuating circumstances. I found myself lost in the woods. For three days, I had nothing to eat. I used my last match to start a fire in the hopes of attracting attention and being rescued. In the light of the campfire, a Spotted Owl flew down beside me. I grabbed the nearest rock...well, the rest is history. I ate him to save my own life. I throw myself on the mercy of the court."

The judge is obviously swayed by the man's appeal. "Viewing the evidence, I find you guilty, but am reducing your penalty to time served, court costs and a $50 fine." The defendant seemed relieved, but the Judge motioned the bailiff to bring the man back to his chambers for a private discussion. Once the door was closed the judge asked...."So tell me, what did it taste like?"

Without batting an eye, the man said "It was much gamier than a Whooping Crane, but more tender than a Bald Eagle..."