poured in my life can't it stop? Dads Gone9/25/10Gmas Gone10/31/10

[chickeypoo]

thank you guys. i am going to see him later today. he wants me to make the blue berry muffins to bring in. that will be later.

 

[chick4chicks]

So sorry to hear about you Dad, it is a terrible disease. Will keep Dad, You and the Family in my thoughts and Prayers. There are a lot of good people here to listen to you, we do care. Take care and God Bless.
Sorry bout your chickens that is so sad. Bad dogs

.

 

[chickensducks&agoose]

Prayers to you and yours. Hope things get better.

 

[Melissa034]

most diffinately prayers for you and your family. All you can do is lay this at the foot of the cross. Its all in Gods hands. But he is also the lifter of our heads. God Bless

 

[chickeypoo]

i did go down to see him. but i didn't make the muffins. going to see him at the time i did wasn't a plan. we just happened to be closer than we had first anticipated. so i figured id go and be with him for a bit. he seems down but still laughs a bit when he makes a joke or something.

he says he won't be able to go trapping. and that he has to be careful of colds and pneumonia. his white cells are down. i was kind of POed. my dad has a tube in his mouth so he can't talk.. so he wants the nurse, i push the button and instead of coming to his room just asked "what do you need" through the button thing.. HE CAN'T TALK.. how the h*** was he gonna say what he needed. ugh.

but other than that.. no new news. he's got a sore throat. i suppose from his tubes. i wish i could help him. everything is heartbreaking. seeing him struggle. he can't swallow the crap in his mouth. he needs to have it suctioned out. i can't watch that. i can't hardly watch him struggling the way he is.

why does cancer have to be? id rather it have gone where he just goes in the night or something. rather than dragging this crap all out. rather than making him suffer and struggle. and have to tell who gets what. just in case. and what to do for arrangements. that's hard. and thinking how i have been in the last few months towards him. and wishing i hadn't been like that. i never even knew he was as sick as he was. with just his breathing. i could hear it.. but i thought if he'd just go to the doctor he'd get better. so, now along with sadness im feeling guilty.

 

[Melissa034]

You have no reason to feel guilty. Just in any relationship esp. family. Your going to have good times and bad times. The key is keeping the relationship going. and continuing to grow it and nurture it. Its not your fault. Im sure being a man. He doesnt want feeling sorry for. Just do your best to honor the wishes you can. And be there for him to vent to. Good Luck to you and your dad!!

 

[chickeypoo]

i feel guilty cuz i kept my children from him since dec. but there was a reason behind it. and i never told him but i think he knew. He smokes and i had asked him not to smoke around my kids when he had them. i asked him to go outside or when he's in the car to at least roll the windows down a bit. my middle one has issues with smoke. she was always getting ear infections and i always had to use the nebulizer. since she hadn't gone much this last winter, she only had two ear infections and used the neb. during 1 cold. (both ear infections were brought on by colds) Anyway, i asked him nicely and told him that if he couldn't do that then the kids can't come back.

my oldest told me(as well as the middle DD) that he didn't smoke outside or open a window. and the next day my middle DD woke up with ear infection and breathing issues. so, i decided they wouldn't go back. and they haven't. now it's warm out and he wanted the kids to go with him fishing but i never had time to bring them down and he didn't have money to come up here. (he doesn't work and we live a bit of ways away from each other) we didn't have time cuz of the crap with the house and trying to get the coop built. hindsight is 20/20. and if id known then what i know now.. yeah, id have taken the time to go down to have my kids be with him. cuz now, he may never get to take them fishing a last time, he may never make chocolate chip cookies with them like he'd been wanting to in the last few weeks.

he was losing his apt cuz my grandma was put into the nursing home. he was taking care of her but she paid the rent. so, he had to move, and personally with his personality i didn't want him to move here. but then again i did. i told my hubby he could watch the kids, he could do the garden(help with it cuz he loves to garden tomatoes and cucumbers and had no room at the apt.) and help with the animals. but even DH didn't want him here. he was going to end up homeless. my brothers wife didn't want him to move in with her. but she has told me now that she'd do it since he's sick. i wanted my dad here before he got sick but DH didnt. with everything he has ever done for me.. i couldn't even give him a place to stay. when i got kicked out of my friends house(she thought i was going to take her b/f.. even though she also had a hubby.. yeah no thanks. ew.) anyway, he let me live there. it was only two bedrooms. gma had one and he had the other, i was also pregnant with my second DD. (this was a rough time in my life ugh) anyway, my dad had a bunk bed in his room so we basically shared a room. and my oldest DD was in there with me. she was about 4.(i had just gotten pg with the middle DD)

so he was losing the apt. social services didn't want to help him, and he's a veteran. he couldn't even get foodstamps. and when he went to ask why it was taking so long the lady was kind of witchy when saying "there are 28,000 ahead of you, you will jsut have to wait". he did have food(my brother was nice enough to help there and my dad never did eat much) but not to have a choice on what to eat.. he did lots of fishing. so, on top of that.. kick him when he's down with cancer ya know?

i told my DH i just want him to get better enough so he can at least go fishing again. so he can be with the kids again. make cookies with them and muffins like he wanted to before. and yes, i do blame myself for that. and i always will. no matter what. it will always be in my heart. but now.. this has made me realize how much i love him. and how much i don't want to lose him.

 

[Melissa034]

Making decisions with your immediate family for their welfare is in no way punishing or judging someone else(your dad). You can feel bad for him and his history, but you cant take responsability for it. its not your fault. As adults we all make decisions for ourselves. He could have chose to not smoke around your kids. That was his decision

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Chicky, your Dad is only 63; that is young. You had no way of knowing that he was so ill. Chemo can work miracles, as can surgery and radiation. I pray for the wisdom of his doctors in determining what will help him most. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to work out your relationship with him.

and prayers

 

[chickeypoo]

Thank you Sonoran. That makes me feel better. I just wish there was something i could do to ease his discomfort. i did take a pic from x-mas portraits down to him. (they were in his dresser) tomorrow i am gonna take a pic of his dog down to him. (take my camera, go to wal fart and get it processed right away) i will be asking if he wants anything(books or something) to pass the time. i can about imagine a person who loves to be outside being stuck in doors. in a hospital.
Thanks for everyone looking out for me