Punishments

[EweSheep]

Good points, Jaime and Redhen. I know that it is wrong for him to take those hard earned tickets away from her.

Just recently after supper, she was talking to her father...they were both nice and she said that she was sorry that she got Daddy mad at her and she was disappointed with herself. Well I m proud of her for saying that!

She is soooooooo wound up! LOL! Will be bedtime for her.

 

[HeatherLynn]

I would not give them back now. THat sends the wrong message. United front. If you two talk about it not anywhere near her you both need to agree on future punishments. Then he needs to discuss them with her. It needs to come from him and it needs to be clear. You can be there to help clarify or re enforce but use the phrase " your father and I" ALOT. If your husband decides to return the tickets but give her the new agreed upon punishment I would make sure to be absent. Don't let her think you made daddy return them. Again united front. No matter what she needs to be punished each and every time she does it.

My kids mouth off there is no TV that day at all. Tv is not a right. I get a nasty little attitude and they are handed a book and told to not to get up from their bed until I say so. She is also old enough for writing practice. I love writing practice. Its punishment that improves their hand writing too. I will not be dis respectful. I will not be dis respectful. I will not be disrespectful.

Even when my husband and I disagree once he has dealt out a punishment I enforce it and as far as the kids know we agree. Its only asking for trouble to become divided. Kids are evil little things by nature and divide and conquer is their favorite method for dealing with parents. Please don't think I hate kids when I say they are evil little things. I love kids and they can be a joy but their nature is to get away with what they want anyway they can. They are not our friends no matter how sweet they are being at the time.

It works I promise. My Pediatrician would love for me to agree to ADHD meds and I admit my kids can be hyper and have some issues with impulses BUT they are probably the best behaved kids in all the groups we are part of. I get compliments on it all the time. When something new comes up your husband may be the one who has to react and he will. Back him up and then once the issue is passed you both need to set aside time to agree how to handle the new discipline challenge. Then you both let her know but let him take the lead if he was the one who just punished her for it. It lets her know she has to listen to both parents and that its 2 against one and she is not going to win. Kids are smart and its our job to out smart them.

 

[Dar]

Quote:
Although its good that she understands that what happened was not right BUT please be careful that its not harming her in other ways.... I know you dont mean to but the fact that she outloud said she was disappointed in herself makes me cry.

I grew up with a rear end for a father and even tho I am 37 years old now and have 3 kids of my own I still get an upset stomach and sometimes sick to my stomach if someone leaves me a voice mail or an email saying "we need to talk" I start thing OMG what did I do?... Did I do something wrong?...

I was told all the time that I was the one making my dad mad... If I didnt do the things I did dad would not get mad and how I had better be disappointed in my behavior... I am/was ass... but 25-30 years ago we were not called that we were just the bad seeds... so I was not diagnosed till I was an adult and went back to school

 

[redhen]

Quote:
That is a VERY good thing for her to acknowledge!! Thats big!

 

[fuzziebutt]

Give her X amount of tickets a week, and each time she does something wrong, like mouthing off, or not doing a chore, take a ticket from her. If she has enough left at the end of the week, then she can do what she has been looking forward to. She shouldn't get in the habit of being rewarded every time she does something right. She does need to learn however, that wrong behavior will be dealt with.

 

[rancher hicks]

Just some thoughts,

I volunteer at a school and I'm amazed at how the adults talk to the kids. No respect. I believe kids should be treated with the same respect as adults. IF you want to set a good example. The example you want them to emulate. Therefore as they come through the line (cafeteria). It's not "Whatta ya want!". It's "What can I get you". I don't "demand" a please and thank you if I don't use those words myself. It's just not right.

I've heard the "We used to respect our parents and do what we were told". Sure I did, but only on the outside. Inside I was resenting my mother and couldn't wait to get away. Get the idea.

Just cause they are kids does not mean I can speak cross words. Or if you will Provoking words. Soft words turn away wrath/anger.

Now one other thing and I know it's touchy. You didn't use the words "her father". Is he? or is he her stepfather? This creates a different set of circumstances. You and he have to agree whether it's right or wrong to take tickets away. You both have to be united and of the same mind. You don't want her to expect to be treated in two different ways, depending on who is dealing with her. Never use the lack of affection as a punishment.

Also the ADHD thing. I don't agree with drugging children. Drugs say "there's something wrong with me so I need drugs to fix it". What's more is they don't work and clearly aren't for you. Is it her or is it the drugs? Don't fall for the old drug business.

If you want her to do chores then try doing some of them with her. She's only seven and she's very young yet. Two are better than one. Doing them together creates a relationship building opportunity. You want to be able to have her come and tell you things. You need her to trust you. Female to female.

Treat your kids how you wish your parents treated you.

I wish you well,

Rancher

 

[debilorrah]

Ok. NEVER take away reading. EVER! I agree with keeping the punishments and rewards for chores separate. You may considered postponing her rewards as a punishment. Like she can have her tickets, but she has to wait to have a movie because she was disrespectful to Dad.

But do not take a book away from a child who loves to read in this day and age of non-readers.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Although its good that she understands that what happened was not right BUT please be careful that its not harming her in other ways.... I know you dont mean to but the fact that she outloud said she was disappointed in herself makes me cry.

I grew up with a rear end for a father and even tho I am 37 years old now and have 3 kids of my own I still get an upset stomach and sometimes sick to my stomach if someone leaves me a voice mail or an email saying "we need to talk" I start thing OMG what did I do?... Did I do something wrong?...

I was told all the time that I was the one making my dad mad... If I didnt do the things I did dad would not get mad and how I had better be disappointed in my behavior... I am/was ass... but 25-30 years ago we were not called that we were just the bad seeds... so I was not diagnosed till I was an adult and went back to school

WOW. I had a hugely different reaction than you. I had been reading all the posts and not seeing anything about sitting her down and talking to her about what she did that was wrong, and making her apologize to her father. Then I see this, and it sounds like she did it on her own, and that her conscience is developing. When a child misbehaves, they SHOULD feel bad about it.

What happened when you were growing up is entirely different. You might have been responsible for your behavior, but your father was responsible for his own reactions--definitely not you. And since it sounds like you never even knew what you had done wrong--you probably didn't--were just a convenient scape goat, which was horrible!



Anyways, repairing the relationship (apology) and correct behavior are what's important, not meting out punishments. By the same token, I'm not overly fond of giving tickets as rewards. What you want is to teach your daughter to do the right things at the right times--it needs to be internalized--not externalized. Smiles and hugs and notice from mom that she did such a great job setting the table, and a sincere comment on how helpful it was to you.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
As an avid reader, I honestly have to say I disagree on this. There are times when it is appropriate to limit reading--but only when it is truly a pastime the child loves. If he/she doesn't love reading, limiting it is ineffective at best. It is possible to live too deeply in your books and not learn social skills. In the circumstances given, I do not think limiting or removing reading would be a good choice. The best consequences are ones that logically flow from the behavior. Step barefoot on hot cement and your foot gets burned. Complain about dinner and get sent to bed without. etc.

 

[Mattemma]

I might let it go this time to save face for dh,but unless it was agreed upon before that behavior means a loss of tickets then no I would not take the tickets for being mouthy.

She earns the tickets for chores. She earned them and it was unfair that she lost some for being rude. Seperate punishment should be given for attitude/rudeness like a loss of something she enjoys doing,doing a chore without earning a ticket,or not being able to earn tickets for a few days. Either before or after the punishment you talk with your child about what they did wrong,why you feel it was wrong,and ways she can express herself without being hurtful.

Hopefully you,dh,and dd can talk this over at a later time, so the rules are more clear for everyone.Home is a haven from the cruelties of the world,so it is important the family work together to help make it a happy place.Nothing worse than having a lousy day,but not wanting to go home because home is worse. Best wishes!