Punishments

[Dar]

Quote:
I had to with my oldest.. he would sit up night after night reading with his curtains open so the street light would light his room... he was loosing sleep not doing well in school because of lack of sleep

he would skip breakfast cause he was on the toilet reading

he would not do his chores cause he was reading

he would "fake" shower.. run the shower while he was sitting on the toilet reading then dunk his head in the water to make it look like she showered.

I had to lock his books in the basement and only allow him to get his book when everything else was done.

teachers hated me but what else can I do?

 

[EweSheep]

DD LOVES to read books! It is something I do NOT want to do. Hubby is for that kind of thing.

My dd loves to help me (even no tickets) in doing things that she wants to do and she would say "I'm bored!" Sure, no problem, come in and help me stir the noodles! She would ask tons of questions about the noodles, how it was made and why we eat them, etc.

Biggest issue was, still is, between hubby and daughter. Hubby got into trouble with the counselor for not "discussing the type of punishment" we can give to dd in agreeable manner rather than him doing it ALL. I used to intervene alot because his punishments were beyond ridiculous and very unreasonable for a seven year old. Now the couselor told me NOT to. (Read the Love and Logic, Helicopter mom and drill sargeant dad type of scenerio here) So from then on, hubby and I would have dd in the other room while we throw ideas how we can punish her by taking away one hour of TV, no movies that day, or no playdoh/games for one day. It used to be in hubby's way was ONE week. Ok, you mouthed off some more, ok I'll take two weeks. Oh, you are doing it again, then you wont have a whole month!.....that is how my hubby was until he got into trouble with the counselor and whatever happened that session, he didn't do it as often. When they both get so mad, they don't see reasons and up manship comes out full force. Hubby tried to pull all the stops by removing her tickets and dd gets so mad. I can not intervene at that point (as much as I want to but counselor said NO, do not intervene).

Hubby and I have totally different upbringing, structure in our families. I don't get into trouble except for sibling rivilary. I respected my elders and dont talk back at my parents (or I'll get a smack or spanking for being out of line). As for hubby, his father was a prison guard (sometimes he would come home and use that kind of yell talk to him, belittling him (just as bad as his mom) and his mother was physically and verbally and emotional abusive to him. She did tell me that he was a very very difficult child, could not disclipine him effectively except in a harsher way and no love for him. He pretty much did whatever he wanted to do, where to go and so forth, no structure. He was bullied ALOT by his school mates, all the way from grade school to high school and he does stand out (visualize him in Pee Wee Herman outfit with out the tie........it was pitiful to look at and later I had to laugh out of nervousness how WEIRD he dressed). His mother spent all the money, left the kids very little money for clothes to buy at second hand stores......the 1950-60's poly clothes. His mother and him never got along as they got older. His relationship with his father is very very strained. They used to be close after high school when his dad retired from the prison (max. facilities, the good bad guys or hard core criminals go there). I love his father and I was able to get a good relationship with him easily even he has some early Alzeihmer's going on.

I have to see our counselor by myself today....he needed to talk to me alone......wondered what it would be or the findings on hubby's ADD testings. Hubby said he does NOT have ADD or PTSD but I strongly felt that he does because of YEARS of bullying and the familly abuse he had. If my daughter has it, he should have it too.

 

[EweSheep]

Well, you all wont like it...neither did I.

Counselor said hubby was in the right to take her tickets for mouthing off. Whatever it will get her to get her attention to him, if it works, let him do it.

When I left, I had a few choice words....not going to mention on this family friendly forum.

Gotta simmer on it awhile to see if he got a point in this! So far, I see nothing in it.

 

[SillyChicken]

keep the tickets for chores and give passes for behavior - 100 passes for good behavior, gets a different treat that she enjoys!

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
HEY that's a NOVEL idea!!!!!!!! Hee hee!

HOw would I give passes? Like a pass card?

 

[SourRoses]

Well I've been watching lots of Nanny 911 lately. I really like the nannies methods.

I totally agree with you... that the tickets shouldn't have been taken over words. Words deserve to have something like toys taken or a priviledge (like going to susies house on tuesday or whatever) taken.
To me... the tickets seem like they were YOUR thing to have with her... and once you are having success with them, hubby snatches them away. Thats what I would feel like in your place.
For issues that are between her and him, he needs to come up with his own system to have with her... and not be stepping into yours like that.

The nannies.. every time they got to a house... it's almost *always* the parents... not the children. Even seemingly normal parents. One family, both the parents were Family Counselors! But they could not keep rules straight with each other and confused the children... then they were negotiating with them instead of disciplining.
A reward is a reward... if you do the work to earn the reward, you need to the results of it to stay motivated. Thats why something else really needs to be taken instead of the reward.

I dont like the sound of the counselors advice to you. Not getting in the middle? He already interfered in YOUR reward method. It almost osunds to me like this counselor is in this more for the hubbies emotional health than your daughter. What you daughter needs (any kid) is consistency at home and their parents on the same page. How can you obey rules that you can't understand, or are always different?

It sounds to me like you need more support from your husband, and less one-up-man-ship.

And it sounds to me like you need a counselor who is working for the whole family, and not just one member. I really like the way the Nanny has the family rules worked out and up in writing, for everyone to see.. the kids, and the parents.
I would try to sit the hubbie down... even if it takes a couple tries... and work out fair rules that make you both happy. It might be hard to do, but once it's done and they are in writing... you always have something to go back to. Then you can point him to the rules when he lets his temper or whatever get the better of him, and he can see that the fair rules that your DD also knows all the time are the best option.



ETA: Someone would take a book away from my hypothetical child... over my dead body! What is it with men and trying to confiscate books?
My dad was always on my mom to get the books away from me... and when she wouldn't do that, he was trying to force me to only read books of his strange and boring choosing. Saying.... "Well then you can't learn" isen't a punishment for childhood... it's a life long punishment.

 

[HeatherLynn]

I think we are reading way too much that the Op never said. They have taken books away, not just dad. I don't agree about not taking books away. I was a readaholic , a bibliophile, and a totally undisciplined child when it came to chores. I cannot tell you how many times I have been late to work, late to school, stayed up all night, failed tests, or didn't get homework done because frankly I could not put the book down. Time and speeding tickets have taught me to put the book down in time to get where I need to be. Would have been helpful to learn it sooner. It is always a parents job to teach self discipline. It helps when we have it ourselves of course but thats one of our jobs. So I would not say NEVER. I give mine books and make them sit on their beds when they are being hyper, obnoxious and refuse to listen. BUT if chores or school does not get done because of a book then that books needs to be held until the child does what they are supposed to do.

There does need to be a consistency and an agreement. You cannot think of this as My fight, His fight and her fight. The parents need to work together. If you guys stay divided then she wins. She will do whatever she can to drive a wedge so that she can have what she wants. Kids are not stupid. They are very very good at manipulating their parents. Once you look at it as your side and his side then you are no longer a team or partners. Essentially the wedge has been put into your family and your marriage. Not a great place to be.

Honestly if he was right or wrong to take the tickets is now mute. It has been done. He made a judgement call. He may be right. He may be wrong. Depending on which way your viewing this it can go either way. The point is you can't go back and make it never happen. What you guys have left is that you now need to refine the rules and then you guys have to sit together and give her those rules. If you need to write em down. I have done so from time to time. You don't tell her you guys were wrong just that you think that maybe there are better ways to teach her not to be mouthy, or disrespectful, ect ect. And then you both tell her the new rules or show them to her whatever. As long as your doing it together, as a team, upholding each others authority. Honestly if you guys are busy fighting each other then she is going to have more and more problems as time goes on. Its best to learn to act as a single entity now. Thats what marriage is supposed to be anyway. Parenting just takes it a bit further. Tons of fun.

 

[Cetawin]

Ewe Sheep great adice so far...from experience keep the chore earned tickets until the punishment required is for a chore related issue. Take other privileges like 30 minutes less time up on a weekend, earlier bedtime, no TV for an evening etc etc. Regardless of her mind's age bear in mind she is still young which gives you tons more control than you think. Keep it at her level and as she matures, so do the punishment but the trick is CONSISTENCY at all costs.

Let her know in advance what the reprecussions will be for mouthy behavior and then stick to it.

 

[1muttsfan]

Not sure about the counselor. Why would he/she want to talk to you each alone? Aren't you two parents a team? Sounds like the counselor is dividing you instead of helping you work together. 'Course I am not a huge fan of the "lets see what happens if" school.

 

[Jamie_Dog_Trainer]

I don't agree with the counselor either, however you pay him/her to tell you what to do. That doesn't mean you cannot come up with a tally system for poor behavior in addition to the ticket system for good behavior.

Maybe a punishment for bad behavior is having to go outside and scoop one pile of animal droppings (dog work well because of the gross smell factor) for each infraction, and after a day of X amount of infractions she has to do a bigger but similar task? idk but that is what I came up with lol