Raising daughters

[3rocksandme]

They arent happy, and rarely am i... they stomp and slam doors now and i feel like knocking their doors off their hinges

My husband's mother did exactly that, she took the door off the hinges.​

 

[Moxiechick]

I was just flipping back and forth between these forums and Facebook, and found this story just posted from NPR. "Experiencing Teen Drama Overload? Blame Biology" http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129150658&sc=fb&cc=fp

Maybe it will have some suggestions that will work for you.

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

actually one of the rooms dont have a door hung onto it right now and i hate looking into the room( its off the living room)

It seems like you cant do anything anymore without people saying youre abusing your kids.. (right to dress in priacy, etc) its actually irritating how they gie kids more rights than parents( obiously not abuse)

personally i dont let it slide, but lately my eldest has been answering me in the "i dont care" and "because i wanted to" She is thirteen and is about to get a wake up call. Im just trying to get to school time and it will probably taper off. Summer time seems to be worse than normal because they are pent up, they dont see friends, etc.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

She knows if she slams doors it will get removed, and she knows this is not a democracy.

I don't want her to not be angry with me. She is human too and she will get angry. Everybody does. I want her to learn how to handle her anger, but I have too bad of a temper to help her.

My depression came directly from being told I had no right to be angry, when I was. Children and ESPECIALLY girls have to learn how to be angry. They will get angry, but this is why we have women who get hit and women who are passive aggressive, because we tell them they cannot be angry and they aren't allowed to be angry. Then they can't recognize anger when it is justified and they don't know how to express it.

We tell our kids they have no right to be angry and then get mad at them when they don't stand up for themselves.
We tell them they cannot be angry and then wonder why they let another adult abuse them.


When they won't clean their rooms - and we're about an hour from this right now - I go in with a tupperware bin and simply take everything that is not put away. They have the option to earn it back or I give it to goodwill. If they can't take care of it they must not appreciate it and I am sure some one else will.


Thanks for reminding me why it is so important that I hang in there and keep my own temper under control............

 

[MysticScorpio82]

Oh dear lord, my daughter is almost 4, but she already tries to do all those things you listed Ihavewhatinmyyard. I can feel for you. At my daughter's age I know she is just testing boundaries (and I am quick to remind her where the boundaries are and what is and is not appropriate). With your daughter it sounds like some hormones kicking in, as well as her being frustrated with herself, so she is taking it out on you.

I wish I had more advice for you, I am still learning all this myself.

When my daughter gets angry, I tell her to take a breathe and let's talk. I tell her it's ok to be angry but it is NOT ok for her to _____ (insert bad behavior). Then I try to redirect her or help find and appropriate outlet for her angry. If she is mad and wants to just scream, I show her to scream into a pillow so she can let it out, but not hurt anyone's ears. If she feels the need to be physical, I try to redirect it to sweeping or pulling weeds, something to burn the anger off, and turn it into something positive. If she is mad at something I had done, I encourage her to tell me (so it doesn't get backed up). In the case of her being mad at me, (usually because she didn't get her way) I tell her "Lilly, it sounds like you aren't mad at me, you are mad that you didn't get ____. I am sorry you are upset, but being mad about it is not going to change my mind. Now do you want to..." and I move on. That may not be the best approach, but I am still learning and trying. I want her to know that she does have valid feelings and I want to teach her how to use them, understand them, etc (Something I never learned growing up, and I am not trying to learn as an adult), but also learn what is an appropriate reaction to the feelings and what isn't. Slamming doors is not. Yelling is not. Taking a breathe and talking it out, is. If she needs to do something to calm down that is fine. If I am mad, have to go off by myself for a few minutes before I am ready to talk it out. I don't know if these will work for your daughter or not; Everyone is an individual, and you know your daughter best. I hope I helped to give you some ideas or to get you thinking about solutions to the problems, rather than focusing on the problem itself.

You are strong and you will get through this.

 

[SallyF]

Quote:
Somewhere I have a book that has humorous essays in it. One of them recommended a live-in camp for teenagers that was an amusement park boot camp, teaching them that they had to earn money for anything they wanted, including food, learn to wait in line, etc. At the tiime I have two teens, one boy and one girl, and they were both driving me crazy. I though any kind of boarding situation sounded like a winner! They do all grow out of it eventually, but not always before they reach 18 and have to be kicked out of the nest (had to do that with one, unfortunately. He now says it's the best thing we ever did for him.). I did find some help from a program called S.T.E.P. (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting); sometimes you can find the book for it at bookstores. One thing I did learn was that the louder they yell, the quieter you talk. Makes them pay attention rather than escalating the yelling.
And we did end up at one point removing the locks from their bedroom doors, and finally, removing the doors. In fact, my husband cut the plug off the television cord at one point in an argument. I can't remember who I was angrier at, DH or DS!

 

[happyhens44]

ekkk. Im 13 year old girl and im not like that yet. but my older sister is shes 17 my mom and her have been fighting a lot lately. She talks back bad. so my mom grounds her, but 15 mins later my sister comes to my mom and talks to her and then she is un grounded!

but my sister knows if she talkes back to my dad she will be in HUGE trouble (same goes for me about the huge trouble if we talk back to dad or mom.)

I have to a mit my parents are doing a good job, because were fed

 

[redhen]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

She knows if she slams doors it will get removed, and she knows this is not a democracy.

I don't want her to not be angry with me. She is human too and she will get angry. Everybody does. I want her to learn how to handle her anger, but I have too bad of a temper to help her.

My depression came directly from being told I had no right to be angry, when I was. Children and ESPECIALLY girls have to learn how to be angry. They will get angry, but this is why we have women who get hit and women who are passive aggressive, because we tell them they cannot be angry and they aren't allowed to be angry. Then they can't recognize anger when it is justified and they don't know how to express it.

We tell our kids they have no right to be angry and then get mad at them when they don't stand up for themselves.
We tell them they cannot be angry and then wonder why they let another adult abuse them.


When they won't clean their rooms - and we're about an hour from this right now - I go in with a tupperware bin and simply take everything that is not put away. They have the option to earn it back or I give it to goodwill. If they can't take care of it they must not appreciate it and I am sure some one else will.


Thanks for reminding me why it is so important that I hang in there and keep my own temper under control............

Being angry and upset with someone is totally differernt than being disrespectful to your parents.
Anger does not = disrespect...
Yes, children should be allowed to say that they are upset and angery about something....
But they better be respectful about it...

Following your parent around and critizing them = disrespect​

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Quote:
So what message are you getting?? Do you think it is possible for a parent to get the right message to one child but the wrong one to the one watching??

This one sounds like the wrong message to both of you, but we're human too and we get mad and say things we do not mean just like you do. Your Mom and sister may be able to work things out so your mom lets the punishment go, or your mom may be caving in too easy. When everything is calm can you ask her how and why your sister gets off? Sometimes I think younger siblings don't get it so bad because they watch how it plays out for the older one and they learn what they cannot get away with so they don't try it!

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Redhen said

Following your parent around and critizing them about everything = disrespect

If I hadn't had a sister like this I would automatically say it was disrespect too, but it is a nasty personality trait that I need to teach her not to do, I think. It isn't about disrespect, it is about being certain that she is right about dang near everything and wanting to tell everyone how to do it the "right way" as in her way. Not only is it really a bad thing to do with me but can you imagine how teachers must take this, and friends?? I can yell at her for it and tell her she is being disrespectful, but that won't tell her why she shouldn't do it. I want her to understand that it is hurtful and unproductive. That she is not always right and doesn't even need to be. Her need to be right and her conviction that she knows better is SO much like my sister (and granny to be honest) that I think it is part of their nature. An ugly part to be sure, but hard to tame.

I keep asking her, "How important is it for you to be right, right now? And why do you have to be?"

But, it is hurtful. I hate being criticized (who doesn't) but I don't think she knows how to stop herself. And sometimes she IS right.​