***Rant & Vent *** How do you deal with this hurt for a near 13 yo?

[Cetawin]

Some of you know me well enough to know my life's history and others only know me enough to know I am married, have 2 kids, a great husband, a grandson, 30 chickens and 11 ducklings. But, the one thing I have been dealing with over the years is an ex-husband who repeatedly hurt his daughter with broken promises, excuses and out right lies. On the subjects of why he went 8 months without calling her, why he had not spend any visitation time with her and why he could not even send a birthday or christmas card, much less a gift.

My husband and I married when she was 4 years old and the bond between the two of them was instant. Our wedding ceremony was in two parts. My husband and I took our vows and married and then my husband and daughter took their vows. She promised to be his little girl and he promised to be her dad, and with that began a relationship that is divided only by the fact that another man is her blood father. Neither of them will tolerate the word "step" when rreferring to her as his daughter or him as her dad. As far as the two of them are concerned...that is Dad and she is his daughter and the same in reverse.

So...everything should be happy right? Not. Why? Because of one man who insists on repeatedly popping into her life just long enough to encourage her, build-up her confidence and hopes in a closer relationship between the two of them. So, two years ago she outright asked him to let my husband adopt her and told him that was what she wanted. She did this without word one to my husband and I. We got the news after her father went totally off on her in reply to her request.

He agreed. I flew from Oregon to Florida with the papers for him to sign and a hearing date set to meet the judge and as the current popular statement goes...Get er' done. He was a no show. I returned to Oregon and had to tell Cheyenne that he did not sign the papers or even show up. she was once again crushed.

8 months ago he pops up on the radar again with constant daily calls that lasted for 5 weeks...then nothing. He called in Januarym after having missed the holidays, and tells her how much he misses her and loves her. then nothing...until 20 minutes ago.

He tells her he loves her, asks how she is and asks to speak to me. I says Hello and he says... "Send me the papers to give her up and let me look them over because I need to do the right thing for her".

Well HELLLLLLLOOOOO JERK...doing the right thing should have happened before you decided to spend months in between phone calls, making promises with no intention of keeping and shown her your love even if it was a phone call to ask her about her day. So, my natural response was "Okay why this sudden decision?" Here comes the rest of the call...wait for it because it is a doozy......


IT: "How much do I owe in back child support?"

Me: Almost $16,000.00

IT: "If I sign the papers does that go away?"

Me: Nope...but any future child support obligation does.

IT: "Will you write off the back stuff if I sign the papers?"

Me: Nope Because I have already written off $9,450.00 and told you then that was it

IT: "Okay but it was worth a try...send the papers to me"

Me: Uh huh



Now I am dealing with a daughter who is beyond ticked off...she is in a rage. Can I blame her? Nope. Can I console her? Nope

Her position is simple..."So, he will sign me over and do the right thing IF he does not have to pay to help support me for the last 5 years? So I am not important as a daughter only as a financial obligation?"

The hurt I saw in her eyes mixed with the gentle tears is ripping at my very soul. *sigh*

My gut and heart say I need to scoop her up and run out and buy a baby bunny that she can cuddle on and hold close. My mind on the other hand is wanting to get armed to the teeth and drive to Florida to go butthead hunting. Unfortunately I think the season is closed on them.

I am angry, I am saddened and I am just ill over it. My daughter is hurting and I cannot fix it or make it better.


Okay my rant is over.... *sigh* time to go hold a duckling.

 

[Fudgie]

OMG what a jerk....Tell her to write him a letter and put in it how she feels. He needs to know how his stupidity affects her! YEAH to your current DH....What a guy!!!!!

 

[Rafter 7 Paint Horses]

Oh my!!!!

What a thing for a young lady to have to go through.
It sounds like you are handling it very well. She is old enough now to start to see what he is really like. She will always carry that hurt, but at least she knows she is loved by her "Dad"...your DH!!!!

She sounds like a very smart young lady, and she will overcome this, but she will remember who was there for her and who wasn't.

Keep up the good work, and support her as much as possible.

I don't have anything more helpful to offer, just

Jean

 

[Cetawin]

Quote:
Oh my gosh Fudgie she has told him 100 times...she yelled at him the last time (in Jan when he called) because she was trying to talk to him and would not listen to her. He just does not Get It! *sigh*

 

[scbatz33]

He must be my ex's twin. My kids have had the similar issue for the past 13 years. Mine are 16 and 14. Ex husband has tried to get out of support since day one. When his support went up 3 years ago - after no changes for 10 years - he got mad, hired an attorney, sued me for visitation and was granted it after no contact for 9 years!!!

The kids were mad that the judge signed the order forcing them to go. But in usual fashion, he never called or tried to see them. Six months later I petitioned the court to revoke any and all visitation rights. The judge reversed the decision and said if he wants to see them, he'd have to refile and explain why he has done nothing.

In the interim, my ex-MIL meddled in and they did see him for father's day last year. He gave them a bunch of cheap trinkets, made a bunch of promises and then nothing. My son took it really hard. He started acting out in school and causing bodily injury. We took him to counseling and the whole nine yards.

Oh, my husband of 12 years has been great through out the whole thing. He loves the kids more than any father could. But even that isn't enough to shield them from the hurt when their bio-dad couldn't care less.

I wish I had a miracle answer for you, but all you can do is be the best mom for her and be there whenever she needs you. You can't make him be a better person. In the end, it'll be his loss. With your help, she will be able to get to a place where the hurt isn't so bad. After all my kids have gone through when they were toddlers, it's still hurts and I don't think there will ever be a time where they aren't affected by his lack of love and participation in their lives. But, as they have gotten older, I think they have come to realize that it isn't them, it's him.

 

[wyo-helpmeet]

Wow, some ppl disgust me. She has every right to be hurt & angry, and I'm so sorry she has to go through this. You are so blessed to have a daughter that understands that HE is at fault. I've seen so many children who blamed the wrong parent. Both of you keep your chin up. She is in a very good place ((hugs))

 

[GaNewChick]

I have a couple of questions ~ how long have they been separated by distance? Did you move away or did he move away?

 

[scbatz33]

I'm not sure what the OP's opinion on this is, but distance is irrelevant. We lived no more than 20 minutes from my ex for 6 years. Not only could he not call, or write or come by, he has NEVER acknowledged a birthday or any other holiday for that matter. A good parent is a good parent no mater how far away you are. My sis's ex calls his daughter regularly. He visits her and she goes to his house very summer. They have been more than 400 miles apart for about 10 years.

Some people are crappy parents. Distance neither improves nor lessens the fact.

 

[insiderart]

A little pet that she can hold and snuggle and have inside isn't a bad idea. I know you have the big dogs and such, but something snuggly that she can sleep with and have in her room would be great I think.

All you can do is hug her and tell her you're sorry she has had to learn at such a tender age that people suck sometimes. That some people never grow up, that some people are so self centered they don't care how their actions affect others, to go ahead scream, throw things (outside), be mad, cry, but that you will always be there for her. (Now I'm sure she "knows" this, but as a kid I bet she wonders on occasion... it's hard when you are a kid.)

 

[GaNewChick]

It can be relevant ~ that is why I am asking. I also know that there are crappy parents, even those that live together in the same house.