***Rant & Vent *** How do you deal with this hurt for a near 13 yo?

[Danigirl3]

Oh I can feel for you and your daughter. I have a couple of nieces that are going thru the same things. With one we play the "who do you think I am going to see this weekend" every other weekend. Her grandmother picks her up and most of his weekends he does not see her. Things pop up IE: he's working, he has poison ivy........... When he has a girlfriend in his life he tends to see her more. After they break up he can't be bothered. None of us have to ask why that is. My other niece who is 14 has a dad with a younger family. 8 and 10 I believe. He can't ever go to her activities because he can't bring the younger two out (they are allergic to sunlight or something, I'm guessing) or he was on his way and the tire fell off his car or last minute he had a meeting he had to go to. Or the famous one is I can't go to your games if I don't know about them. Well he gets a schedule every season for every sport. She is slowly beginning to realize that these are all lame excuses and is starting to become very angry about it. Luckily my sister is dating a very stable and nurturing man who has 5 kids of his own but goes from activity to activity to see his kids as well as my nieces. we try not to focus on the fact that they are not all that involved so the kids do not take it as a reflection on them. It's a very sad fact that this happens a lot.

 

[chickenbottom]

you are a great inspirtation. i went through sort of the same thing when i was young but it was with my mother who chose her boyfriend over me. now i know this hurts and for a 13 year old ya its gonna hurt a whole lot. so i lived with my father and his gf for a few years and they turned out to do the same thing on me again including his gf beating me over and over. and i left i moved back to salvage my relationship with my mother when she reolized she kept a child molestor and a wife beater over me her own daughter. we are good now not the strongest bond i dont trust her i dont tell her i love her because shes never done those things for me. i dont talk to my father i would like to but he doesnt answer my emails my calls my letters nothing and if that doesnt change than im not gonna waist my life trying to. i just moved on and now im happy with jason the love of my life. and through this all you stayed relitivly calm for her i think you deserve the best mom award. and that bunny sounds wonderful to ide just go to her room and scoop her up and give her the biggest hug and dont let go for like 10 minutes. i know thats what i wanted i didnt want to be let go

 

[HennysMom]

I"m so sorry Cetawin...

for you, DD and your hubby.

Wish there was advice I could offer, but all I can say is that if he still wont sign those papers - it doesnt mean that your DD and your DH arent Daddy and daughter, just as they have been.

Sometimes its not always blood is thicker than water - the heart knows best. My dad was not my biological father (who was a piece of work, much like your DD's...) but I met my dad when I was nearly 6 and I just knew... he was my DAD. Same kind of situation you're going through - papers wouldnt be signed, no child support, etc.... but.... finally - at around the age of 15 all of us kids (me, bro and sis) got our wish - our Dad adopted us (it only took almost 10 years to do it). How? our bio father was on his death bed

.

It was the happiest day of my life to have my Dad's last name and I carried it proudly until I got married, but I will always be Daddy's little girl. I lost my dad last August and not a day goes by that I dont miss him with all that I am - he was the best Dad a girl could ask for and my very first love ever. So Cetawin - even if your daughters biological father wont sign that paper - tell her from me that her DADDY is still her DADDY..... and he loves her whether she carries his name or not - and that if that day doesnt happen right now, at the age of 18 you, she and her Dad can hold a wonderful ceremony and change it then.

Any man can be a father but it takes one hell of man to be a Daddy.

All my best and lots of love..

Deb

 

[cockadoodlemom]

Cetawin, I'm so sorry and sad for both you and your daughter

There is nothing you can do to ease her hurting. I have cried so many tears for my oldest son and the pain he has endured because of his mother. My sister gave birth to him and left him with my Mom & Dad & me (14) when she turned 18 in July and it was a month short of his first birthday. She signed custody over to my parents with no problem whatsoever because all she wanted was her boyfriend & freedom. It is so heartwrenching when a 5 yr old ask you "Why doesn't my Moma want me? Why does she keep him and not me?" Him is the child she had with the boyfriend she left him for and him is 2 yrs younger than him. I have helped my parents raise him & he has lived with me off and on. In my heart and soul he is my son & my children have always considered him their brother. He will be 24 in August and all the pain my sister has caused him has turned to anger, resentment & disgust. We always told him no matter what still show respect and he is a wonderful young man and father now (my grand baby). He shows respect but he does not take any bull from her anymore and tells her how it is that "Moma and Moma2 have raised me." He still loves her even though she put him through pure heck. All we could do is love him and love him some more. I am sorry I babbled on but what I am trying to say is it's sad but the pain she has will turn to anger one day if it hasn't already & and there is nothing you can do for her breaking heart except love her just like Yall are. Here is a

for her, you, and her Dad. Anybody can be a Father but not everyone can be a DAD.

 

[Cetawin]

Thank you all so very much.

I do so love BYC and the people in it. It makes you realize that no matter what you are going through...you are really never alone, there is always someone else going through it to or have already been there.

she is much better today. The sun is up, the day bright, duckies playing in water with her and she is smiling.

 

[EweSheep]

Cetawin and DD

My sis and her ex had to deal with that crap before she got married with her second hubby who adopted her two boys which to this day, in their eyes and heart, IS their father, not the bio father. Their bio father stopped contacting the boys after many trips to and from MO to IL and coming home to their mother with dirty diapers, filthy shirts and pants and had NOTHING to eat. Talk about some father of theirs! Glad he is out of their lives and sadly oldest is like his bio father (sis is trying to work with him to change his outlook) and the youngest son, is now in college and very successful in highschool, and my father's proudest tradition that Luke carried on, is being the highest "grade" in Boy Scouts and going on to be a foreign car mechanic.

Fry up, if you must! Get one of those magna sized DEEP fat fryer!

 

[Cetawin]

hehehehe Big Fryer indeed.

 

[Sjisty]

Hi Cetawin -

All you can do is just hang in there and keep on keepin' on!

I feel your pain. My ex left when my daughter was 9 and son was 11. He never even looked back. He skipped out on court-ordered child support after a few months. My kids and I got along without him just fine! I remarried after five years and my new husband was the father they never really had. When my son was 19 (and a Marine), he died in a car accident. The ex showed up at the memorial at the Marine base, wanting to know how much the insurance was and why wasn't he called!!! The Staff Sgt. there told him the reason why he wasn't called was because when my son filled out papers for the Marines, wherever it asked for his father's name, he put "unknown."

Then the ex acted like he wanted to get back into my daughter's life (then 16 years old) and called and visited for a few months after her brother died, but soon disappeared again and we haven't seen or heard from him since! She's now 27 years old and very happy in her life with her husband.

There are still a few good ones out there. It sounds like you found one. Just let your daughter know that she is loved and nothing her sperm donor father did is her fault!

 

[SpringChickens]

Your poor daughter. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to be there for her, and that's the most important thing right now. It may be prudent to cut off ALL communication with her bio-dad if possible. I sure hope he signs those papers then gets out of her life!

 

[Cetawin]

Quote:
I am so sorry for your loss

But it sounds like your son was a fine young man with a good head on his shoulders...he knew where is dad's love was.