***Rant & Vent *** How do you deal with this hurt for a near 13 yo?

[MagsC]

Wow. Been there and done that. You are all much better off without him,whatever you have to decide to make that happen. He is only going to cause more hurt and broken promises.
My ex still pays child support, he thinks that is the only thing he has to do to be a "dad".Sigh. He hasnt called or visited in almost a year. In the past he has popped in just long enough to get her hopes up.
My fiance is more dad to my 16 year old than he will EVER be.

 

[Schultz]

I haven't read all the posts but wanted to say this. My "dad" never paid support and came to visit very little and when he did, I was left with my grandparents so he could party! He's never been a dad to me. When I was 7, my mom married my step-dad and this man IS my dad. He raised me, cared for me and I couldn't ask for a better father. I still talk to my dad on occassion, only out of respect for my grandmother but I don't like the person he is. When I was married, I didn't invite my dad to the wedding, only my stepdad. He "walked" me down the aisle. My mom never spoke ill of my dad and let me find out on my own who my dad really was. Yes it has been hurtful at times but my real dad (stepdad) is who I truly love and my dad was just a sperm donor. I can live with that now as an adult and I am thankful my mom let me learn those lessons. Give your daughter a hug, tell her it will be ok, I know it will!!

 

[babylady4]

Took the words right out of my mouth! My sister refers to our dad as the sperm donor since he has never really been a fixture in our lives (until now of course since he does not have to do anything any more...)

I am just happy to report that MY kids have a dad who is awesome! I would not trade him in for anything! (Of course, I don't think he would want to deal with me if he ever set a toe out of line either

)

 

[amyc]

I feel your pain - I have a 10 y/o son who has never met his biological dad. My ex-husband (not the sperm donor) raised DS as his own, but the truth came out last year.

My poor 10 y/o thinks that he has some "wonderful" dad out there somewhere - it breaks my heart. His sperm donor is in jail in TX, and once he gets out will be extradited back to WI for non-payment of child support charges (at least $35,000 he owes to me - plus I've never gotten a dime for medical care/school costs, etc.).

The best advice I can give to you is to get your daughter into counseling, and never, ever talk bad about the biological in front of her. I have never bad-mouthed either the sperm donor or my ex-husband to my children. I figure let them find out on their own. Counseling has really helped my DS...

 

[Sillystunt]

sperm donor......mine too! SCARY

 

[GaNewChick]

Quote:
We were seperated for 2 years before the divorce was final and then still only 3 miles apart for 1 year and then I moved when DH and I married. However, he was the same way from day 1...even during our separation and even when I came home with her from the hospital. She weighed a mere 3 lbs 14 ounces when they let her come home, I had just had a stroke and renal failure in labor with her... he left that afternoon and was gone for 2 weeks...leaving me home, unable to drive with a preemie and me supposed to be on bed rest. his excuse was "it was a great paying charter"...he was a limo driver.

So, whether we were there or not, and length of time made no difference in this situation.

I have mixed feelings. On one hand, yes ~ it would be best for her to not have him pop in and out. On the other hand, they are father and daughter ~ and giving up rights does not change that. There will always be some form of a bond, no matter how small at this time. I personally, would give her all the support I could ~ as you are doing. I would never hide him from her if he does make future attempts to talk to her. I personally believe that she needs to handle her dad through her own means. It sounds as though she is already fed up...she needs the opportunity to let him know how she feels. Making him disappear, IMO ~ is a bad idea. I think your daughter should decide when it is time to eliminate him from her life.

Best of luck to all involved ~ and hope that one day down the road, they can work things out.

 

[Cetawin]

Thanks everyone. I just needed to vent a little. Cheyenne is a strong gal and she will be fine.

It is worth the 16K three times over to be rid of him and she could care less about that money except that his "love" seems have a monetary value. As far as she is concerned, she could care less if he was locked up for the rest of his life.

As an update, he called back a bit ago and it was not pretty. She told him to sign the papers, she did not need his money or his love because she has a Dad and that is more important than a father to her. She told him she was flying in to Florida on the 5th to visit her grandparents for 2 weeks and bluntly told him that she did not want to see him or speak to him while she was there by telling him that she was going to visit her family and that did not include him and that she would prefer he never call her again.

While part of me wanted to chastise her for speaking that way to an adult, my heart just could not allow me to do it. She has every right to tell him how she feels and I will not interfere unless she raises her voice or is disrespectful in her tone. He has asked for his daughter's disdain and now it time to pay the piper so to speak.

So, tomorrow I will start typing up the adoption papers, as I shredded the last set. Hopefully in a few short months she will be rid of him...but the ultimate choice in them sending them to him belongs to Cheyenne. Should she change her mind, I will honor her decision. DH told her that is love and devotion is not based on what her last name is and she hugged him and said she would prefer to be totally his.

 

[saddina]

Too bad you can't SSS an ex too!

(this is meant as a joke, see below)

 

[Mrs. Glassman]

I read the first page & jumped to the end so I could reply...So some of this may have been said.

Take the offer & write the deadbeat off. Then do NOT throw it up in anyone's face.

I am the product of a broken home...and proud of it. I would not be as strong as I am today if life had been a lollipop.

I remember times that forum rules bid me not to speak of. AND I AM BETTER OFF.

I joke now that "One parent is dead & the other is crazy...I get along better with the dead one."

If you become some "crazy-hope-the-other-person-fails-in-life" parent, YOU will become the bad person. No one likes an "I-told-you-so."

The advise I can give:
BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE. & be SUPPORTIVE when you are there.

DO NOT dog the other person. This is infantile, and will be recognized by the child, if not now, later.

If you feel you MUST point things out, point out what YOU & YOURS have done to improve the child's life, leave all else OUT of the conversation.

I have been there & am going through the same with my step-children.

I DO NOT have children of my own, because I felt my raising was proof against people having kids.

Some folks shouldn't breed.

 

[Judy]

Sounds to me like both your head and your daughter's are screwed on quite straight.

I am so glad you did not challenge her about how she spoke to her "father." I'm not sure I would even have challenged a raised voice or some disrespect. She is plenty old enough to have a right to let him know exactly how she feels. To me, your role is to ensure her safety in such exchanges, and that she understands the dynamics of their conversations.

My story is much less dramatic, but has some of these same elements. My 33 year old son is very well aware of what kind of person his father really is, and he has been aware since he was about 12, if not earlier. I was fortunate in not feeling forced to point any part of that out to him while he was growing up. (Some louses pay child support, albeit $100 a month, and visit monthly, and are not abusive, just deceitful.)

Most dogs are pretty good at identifying the good guys and the louses. Fortunately, kids are even better at it, if they are raised in a healthy environment, which your daughter obviously was.