***Rant & Vent *** How do you deal with this hurt for a near 13 yo?

[Cetawin]

LOL saddina...yes hence my desire to go butthead hunting.

GaNewChick...

first I want to be clear on one thing...it is entirely Cheyenne's choice. As is her desire to see him or not see him. I care not what a court thinks or rules...if she does not want to see him, I will not make her. I would go to jail for Contempt of Court before I would force her to see him if she did not wish to.

I do not expect her to ever forget he is her father but my job as her mother is to protect her from being hurt whenever I can...even if the offender is her father. She knows who he is, where he is and how to contact him and may do so at anytime she chooses...even my DH has reinforced to her that he is her father.

My husband went so far as to call my ex-husband several year ago (2004) right before Christmas and tell him to get his butt up to Fort Bragg, NC and see his daughter. He told him to come and stay at our home so he did not have to pay for a hotel and even offered to pay for the fools gas to come and get home. He agreed. I spent four days with my ex-husband sleeping in the next room wanting to get up in the middle of the night and kill him when everyone was sleeping! Do you know what the man said to my DH as he was getting ready to leave?

he said to my husband "Take care of my wife and little girl for me"

It took my grown son and my husband to keep me from killing the SOB.

The man is as useful as teats on a boar and he certainly does not deserve the love of this wonderful child...and sadly, he has destroyed that love and replaced it with sadness and resentment and worse now the only thing that exists is dread of his phone calls, refusal to see him and a desire to never look at him again.

I spent years trying to hold their relationship together....I flew her to Florida every summer and made her available to him after I moved away....when I lived local I called him constantly and invited him over to hang out with her or offering to bring her to him. I have made excuses for his behavior by blaming his job and his selfishness. I am done with it. If she wants to get rid of him...I will fight to the end to get rid of him. If she wishes to keep trying with him then I will support her and be here for her.

At the end of the day, she will be making the decision. I could care less about his money because my children have always been my responsibility I never depended on a man to provide for them and never will. However, the money he owes is hers and if she wishes to let him off the hook it is fine with me...if she wants me to fry him...heat up the oil.

 

[Judy]

Quote:
NO!!!

The closest living relative that my adult son and I have is my sister's son, who is a child molester, by documented history, and is still with the mother of some of the kids he molested, last I heard. My son has never met him, and definitely does not want to.

My sister is dead now, and loved her son very much. But she had nothing to do with him for many years before she died, except to check in now and then, basically to see if he had dealt with his problem. He never did. She knew she was dying a year before she died, but chose not to contact him and tell him. She had obviously forgotten that she had not changed naming him as beneficiary on a small account, causing me (executor) to find him when she died. Not a pleasant encounter.

DNA is not a bond, sorry. It is DNA, period. We are under NO obligation to have anything to do with anyone, simply because they are related. Period.

Don't lay this on people, please. Dealing with bad relatives is difficult enough, even for adults.

 

[Judy]

Quote:
This concerns me. He does not owe her any money, he owes you money, which you have already spent in raising her. Does not matter that you might choose to set it aside for her, if you were to get some sort of settlement. "Frying him" would be for your revenge, not for her. Feels to me like this is what your rant is all about: you feel a need to let go of the need for revenge, in order to help your daughter through this. And this is what you need to do.

I suspect your daughter is dealing with this better than you are.

There is probably no money, unless he has it in a MM or savings account, and there is no revenge worth taking. It would not help if you could collect both, but you won't, anyway, or at least it does not sound like that would be feasible.

Put him behind you.

 

[JenEric Farms]

a

 

[Judy]

Quote:
I hope you are right. She won't be bothered by my blatherings if you are.

 

[Cetawin]

Quote:
This concerns me. He does not owe her any money, he owes you money, which you have already spent in raising her.

He does not owe me jack. From the moment the doctor told ME I was pregnant it was MY responsibility to raise her. The day I decided that her life was of more value to me than my own and went in to the OR expecting never to see her, it became MY responsibility to raise her. It is a fool of a woman who decides to carry a child, give birth and expect to sit back and let the man take care of everything else...those days went out with the Leave It to Beaver show.

I believed then and do now, that a woman needs to be willing and able to provide for her child(ren) alone. There is more to motherhood than changing diapers, washing bottles and bibs and kissing boo-boos. Unfortunately, there has been a drastic decline in the number of men who are emotionally and mentally man enough to be fathers....most cannot even be husbands. With that in mind, I never considered it his job to bring the finances in the home and made dang sure I could and did.

The money is for HER benefit, not mine. I have provided for her for almost 13 years, together with my husband the last 8 years. But if he walked out the door today I would be just fine because I do not rely on him to take care of me or her.

Quote:
I have no time for petty revenge nor do I desire it. Had I, his butt would have been in jail when he only owed me $2000. As it is, the State does not even know he is behind. why? Because I made sure he had to pay me directly, I also gave my assurance, in writing, that I would accept substantially less than the Court ordered so that he could afford to have a life of his own. I wrote off nearly $10,000 years ago when he lost his job for the 17th time. as far as frying him goes...I could have, I could have stuck him with marital debts and bills, made him pay for his own car and tagged him with a few other bills. You know what he paid? Not a penny. Why? Because I did not need it or want it from him. Why? My parents raised me to be independent and rely on no man to take care of me. A man was a plus, someone to enrich your life, not pay for it for you.

I made 5 times the money he did and I did not need him, period. He did me a big favor by being a coward and walking out when I would not give in to his tantrum and let him have his new toys. Had I known earlier that saying NO would have caused him to leave I would have said it a year earlier.

So you are way off course with that theory.

Quote:
You think so? Then tell me why she is still in her room crying? Tell me why she would not eat dinner tonight or watch the movie with me that she selected before the idiot called?

I am madder than a wet hornet. I would love to physically grab him by the throat and shake him until his eyes bugged out, the entire time screaming "How Dare You Hurt Her Again!" dabbed with a few choice fitting adjectives.

Quote:
Of course there is no money...there never has been. How on earth can you have any money when you go through 13 jobs in one year? Why do you think the man owes $16K? And why do you think I have not dragged him by the scalp into court over it?

Quote:
Well now considering that untIl he signs adoption papers, Cheyenne turns 18 or one of us dies...I have to deal with the twit. We do have a common factor which the law says I have to do certain things as far as keeping apprised and up to speed. I spent 24 years living law daily...it was my job and my chosen career. I honor my Court Order and I deal with him. I never speak ill of him to her or even in this house if she is home, I make sure she calls him for his Birthday, holidays and Father's Day, I remind as does my husband that he is her father and when he calls, I speak to him in a civil tone and alllow him to speak to her in private. I do not listen to their conversations, I do not interject; if Chy wishes to tell me she does.

Let me give you an example of a simple incident that any normal man could have handled on his own but instead he has to interrupt me in the middle of a hearing as "An Emergency with your daughter".

She was 1 year old and he was home with her that day because as usual he had just been fired and she was trying to climb up into her walker.

well most normal people would come to the conclusion that the child wanted to walk in her walker right? Not this idiot. He says "This is what she is doing...can she do that?"

or the time he interrupted me in the middle of closing arguments of a trial because he was at the emergency room with her. I rush frantic to the hospital and ask "Honey, what is wrong? What happened?"

The stupid moron looked at me and said "she was giggling and I saw something sticking out of her gum so I rushed right down here"

Oh yes...I nearly got sanctioned by that Judge for leaving the courtroom practically yelling that my daughter was at the emergency room and I had to leave....to rush to a hospital to find that she had her first tooth.

There are several things I cannot change or fix...

I cannot change or fix stupid...he is as he will always be

I cannot go back in time and choose a different father for my daughter...

I cannot beat him to a pulp because that is against the law....

I cannot get blood from a turnip....

I cannot take my daughter's hurt away...

What I can do...I can help my daughter heal by letting her choose which direction I should go. I owe her that. She did not choose him as her father. Nor did she choose to be hurt by his lies, broken promises and inmaturity. I can honor her wishes and send the papers to him to sign if she wants me to, I can fly to Florida and fight to have his rights taken away if he refuses to sign them and she wants me too.

I am not going to be a manipulative ex-wife and intercept calls, change numbers, move and not tell him where I am with her or any of the numerous things I saw ex-spouses do to each other. I do not play that way.

I vented because my daughter is being hurt and I cannot make it go away. I came to vent because it was my choice (in choosing him) that led to her being hurt. I came to vent because I am hurting for her.

 

[English Chick]

Ok Cetawin..... which oil do you want me to buy .....

You are wise, you will always do the right thing...... the planet is blessed to have you upon it..........

to the family......

 

[bargain]

I edited this first 2 paragraphs away.....I just want to now say I'm sorry for all she and you have gone through.maybe this will help her be able to sort through the differences of "words" vs deeds in life. Making the link between what folks say vs do. Momma used to say actions speak louder than words. I never understood that until I was older.

God bless you and yours. Praying for you.

 

[TennesseeTruly]

Oh hun, I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face. I wish I could tell you that it'll get better, but I can't. My daughter, now 27, went through the exact same thing with my exhusband. He continued to push and pull her through the wringer, never paid child support, etc.

It's always the children that get hurt and it tears my heart out. I am so very sorry that your sweet daughter has to go through this. I know its not easy for you to sit back and watch this go on. I too, married a wonderful man who accepted my daughter as his own child, so I know.

I hope this "man" will do the right thing, sign the papers and let your daughter be happy. That's whats most important in all of this.

If you ever want to commiserate, let me know.

Many hugs to you and your daughter!

Laurie

 

[TennesseeTruly]

Quote:
This concerns me. He does not owe her any money, he owes you money, which you have already spent in raising her.

He does not owe me jack. From the moment the doctor told ME I was pregnant it was MY responsibility to raise her. The day I decided that her life was of more value to me than my own and went in to the OR expecting never to see her, it became MY responsibility to raise her. It is a fool of a woman who decides to carry a child, give birth and expect to sit back and let the man take care of everything else...those days went out with the Leave It to Beaver show.

I believed then and do now, that a woman needs to be willing and able to provide for her child(ren) alone. There is more to motherhood than changing diapers, washing bottles and bibs and kissing boo-boos. Unfortunately, there has been a drastic decline in the number of men who are emotionally and mentally man enough to be fathers....most cannot even be husbands. With that in mind, I never considered it his job to bring the finances in the home and made dang sure I could and did.

The money is for HER benefit, not mine. I have provided for her for almost 13 years, together with my husband the last 8 years. But if he walked out the door today I would be just fine because I do not rely on him to take care of me or her.

Quote:
I have no time for petty revenge nor do I desire it. Had I, his butt would have been in jail when he only owed me $2000. As it is, the State does not even know he is behind. why? Because I made sure he had to pay me directly, I also gave my assurance, in writing, that I would accept substantially less than the Court ordered so that he could afford to have a life of his own. I wrote off nearly $10,000 years ago when he lost his job for the 17th time. as far as frying him goes...I could have, I could have stuck him with marital debts and bills, made him pay for his own car and tagged him with a few other bills. You know what he paid? Not a penny. Why? Because I did not need it or want it from him. Why? My parents raised me to be independent and rely on no man to take care of me. A man was a plus, someone to enrich your life, not pay for it for you.

I made 5 times the money he did and I did not need him, period. He did me a big favor by being a coward and walking out when I would not give in to his tantrum and let him have his new toys. Had I known earlier that saying NO would have caused him to leave I would have said it a year earlier.

So you are way off course with that theory.

Quote:
You think so? Then tell me why she is still in her room crying? Tell me why she would not eat dinner tonight or watch the movie with me that she selected before the idiot called?

I am madder than a wet hornet. I would love to physically grab him by the throat and shake him until his eyes bugged out, the entire time screaming "How Dare You Hurt Her Again!" dabbed with a few choice fitting adjectives.

Quote:
Of course there is no money...there never has been. How on earth can you have any money when you go through 13 jobs in one year? Why do you think the man owes $16K? And why do you think I have not dragged him by the scalp into court over it?

Quote:
Well now considering that untIl he signs adoption papers, Cheyenne turns 18 or one of us dies...I have to deal with the twit. We do have a common factor which the law says I have to do certain things as far as keeping apprised and up to speed. I spent 24 years living law daily...it was my job and my chosen career. I honor my Court Order and I deal with him. I never speak ill of him to her or even in this house if she is home, I make sure she calls him for his Birthday, holidays and Father's Day, I remind as does my husband that he is her father and when he calls, I speak to him in a civil tone and alllow him to speak to her in private. I do not listen to their conversations, I do not interject; if Chy wishes to tell me she does.

Let me give you an example of a simple incident that any normal man could have handled on his own but instead he has to interrupt me in the middle of a hearing as "An Emergency with your daughter".

She was 1 year old and he was home with her that day because as usual he had just been fired and she was trying to climb up into her walker.

well most normal people would come to the conclusion that the child wanted to walk in her walker right? Not this idiot. He says "This is what she is doing...can she do that?"

or the time he interrupted me in the middle of closing arguments of a trial because he was at the emergency room with her. I rush frantic to the hospital and ask "Honey, what is wrong? What happened?"

The stupid moron looked at me and said "she was giggling and I saw something sticking out of her gum so I rushed right down here"

Oh yes...I nearly got sanctioned by that Judge for leaving the courtroom practically yelling that my daughter was at the emergency room and I had to leave....to rush to a hospital to find that she had her first tooth.

There are several things I cannot change or fix...

I cannot change or fix stupid...he is as he will always be

I cannot go back in time and choose a different father for my daughter...

I cannot beat him to a pulp because that is against the law....

I cannot get blood from a turnip....

I cannot take my daughter's hurt away...

What I can do...I can help my daughter heal by letting her choose which direction I should go. I owe her that. She did not choose him as her father. Nor did she choose to be hurt by his lies, broken promises and inmaturity. I can honor her wishes and send the papers to him to sign if she wants me to, I can fly to Florida and fight to have his rights taken away if he refuses to sign them and she wants me too.

I am not going to be a manipulative ex-wife and intercept calls, change numbers, move and not tell him where I am with her or any of the numerous things I saw ex-spouses do to each other. I do not play that way.

I vented because my daughter is being hurt and I cannot make it go away. I came to vent because it was my choice (in choosing him) that led to her being hurt. I came to vent because I am hurting for her.

I give you a standing ovation for this post. NO ONE can understand unless they've been through it themselves.

When I left my exhusband, (after being a victim of spousal abuse for 15 years), I left everything behind. Everything! He was the main bread winner but I worked two jobs. I gave him everything when I divorced him. I wanted to start fresh. And I did.

He could stick the gorgeous home and 4 cars and all the wonderful toys up his butt. I could and did make it on my own. I had to, for my children and for me.

You do what you do for your children, to make things better for them. And you will continue to do what's best for them.

You're my HERO today!

Laurie