Reliving the KIDS issue

[PaulaJoAnne]

Quote:
In your shoes, in the short term, I would present her a few bills.
Rent, utilities and groceries.
Make it just high enough that she will have to get working asap.
If three adults live under your roof, then she can work to pay for 1/3 of the costs.
A steal compared to what making it on her own will be.

ETA: and don't do her laundry

WHen she runs out of clean underwear, she will figure it out!

 

[AdrieeC]

well you may just have to put your foot down on that. I guess you can be proud that you have raised your children so well they actually like home... I could not get out fast enough...and I would still rather be an adult than a child...Bills and all.

 

[claud]

Quote:
Like I said, consider this is your own child. Easier said than done, especially in this economy. And in this area the unemployment rate is 17.5%. Which leave me torn, knowing we need to stick to our guns. ACK!!! How do we tell a kid to pull up a cardboard box to the curb??

Maybe if she can't find a job(for real) you could add a much larger portion of the chores for her to do - as payment/contribution to the household. Perhaps even helping you with a yard sale or something or even involving her in grocery shopping - having her clip coupons or checking flyers for the best deals? You could also eliminate non-essential items of hers that cost money - cell phone, spending money, snacks, etc. It's small I know but it would be something.

Just thought of something else - maybe get her involved in the bill paying process itself. Have her write out checks - with your supervision of course - seal and send the envelopes. If nothing else it would be a learning experience she may be able to use when she is an adult.

 

[jeaucamom]

I have been walking down this road the last year or so... I told DD she had to leave and I stuck to it... she left that night... of course she had a dad to go to, but even if she didn't she still would have had to leave. She had plenty of friends etc she could go mooch off of if she needed to.

They need to know how to handle responsibility.. that life is expensive, that it has deadlines, that bosses want work and productivity, that sometimes there are NO excuses good enough...

Parents can be a "back up plan" when they have gone out and the floor falls out from under them as it sometimes does in life, but they aren't supposed to be the main plan.

Give her 30 days to have a job, join the military, the peace corp, or move in with a friend. You are not doing her any favors by allowing her to continue acting like a child.

I know all this sounds harsh, and it seems like it is not the answer you are looking for, so I hope you find an answer that you are comfortable with and that brings you peace.

It is SOOOO hard when the kid issues are tough..

 

[AngieChick]

Oh, how hard Debi. I could sit here and tell you "you need to tell her to shape up or ship out!", but I know that I couldn't kick my own children out if they had nowhere else to go. There is no way that I would have my sons in a homeless shelter. No way.

So, what I would do is this:

I would have a serious heart to heart, lay out your concerns and frustrations in an honest but clear way - one adult to another. You are mostly concerned about her future. If she has found that school isn't working for her right now (it's not for everyone), she and you can talk about a game plan for employment. This can include her looking into and checking out the requirements for different jobs. It's a rough time to be looking right now, but as long as you see some positive movement I'm sure it would make you less stressed. Does she have any hobbies? Any skills that she can use to contribute with? As for the chores, give her a list of what needs done. You can do this for all 3 kids living with you so that it doesn't seem that she's getting picked on.

Is there something underneath the laziness? Is she suffering from depression? I'm not making excuses for her, but if there is a chance that there is something more going on it would change what the approach is that would work for her.

Another question - do you like having her around? Or is she dragging you down?

I'm totally not an expert in this. I'm just telling you how I would handle it. I know that it's a bit touchy feely for some. But, unless my kids were struggling with drugs, being disrespectful, or were just plain hard to have around I wouldn't be too hard on them without trying to figure out the whys of what's going on with them and what their end goals are.

I'm a marshmallow Mama. That being said, mine are good about doing their chores and helping out. I also enjoy their company immensely. They drive me nuts at times, but they are my kids.

 

[ChickensRCool]

Quote:
Like I said, consider this is your own child. Easier said than done, especially in this economy. And in this area the unemployment rate is 17.5%. Which leave me torn, knowing we need to stick to our guns. ACK!!! How do we tell a kid to pull up a cardboard box to the curb??

So, if she can't find a job, what about insisting she volunteer x amount of hours a week (so she is doing something productive). Have her try volunteering in an area that she might want to get her degree in. Volunteering might help her figure out what she wants to do in life, or she might realize that working isn't so bad after all. A friend of mine did this and her son soon "discovered " he could find a job after all. I wish you (and her) luck.

 

[AngieChick]

Quote:
Like I said, consider this is your own child. Easier said than done, especially in this economy. And in this area the unemployment rate is 17.5%. Which leave me torn, knowing we need to stick to our guns. ACK!!! How do we tell a kid to pull up a cardboard box to the curb??

So, if she can't find a job, what about insisting she volunteer x amount of hours a week (so she is doing something productive). Have her try volunteering in an area that she might want to get her degree in. Volunteering might help her figure out what she wants to do in life, or she might realize that working isn't so bad after all. A friend of mine did this and her son soon "discovered " he could find a job after all. I wish you (and her) luck.

That is fabulous advice!

 

[littlefarm_bighappy]

I can't even imagine having parents where the environment is so loving you would stay more than 5 minutes after legal age. Your kids are darn lucky.

i moved out when I was 17. So did my sister.

We still get screamy phone calls telling us the country is going to hell because we voted for OBama. *sigh* Destruction of the free world is kind of a lot to put on your kids' shoulders, no?

Seriously, don't feel guilty about putting them out. As one who moved out early (and permanently, I may add) I got my feet under me real quick and paid for college on my own. My husband and I bought our first farm at age 25 with no help.

Give your kids some credit... I'll bet you raised them to be smart and capable and they will do just fine learning the ways of life on their own terms.

 

[Katy]

My first thought is where do they get their spending money if they have any or do they just lay around the house 24/7? My kids all basically all moved out at around 18 for school. Not saying there were never any issues with my kids....we had our ups and downs, but even thru that they always had a job, even when they were in school fulltime. I would say at 20 it's high time for them to have jobs for sure, plus school if that's their choice. One of mine ended up moving back in here for awhile after he left school, but he had a full time job and paid something towards the bills. Here it would be time for an ultimatum.......get a job and help towards household expenses or find somewhere else to live for free. Towards the end of the 30 day notice start boxing up their stuff.......show them that you mean it.

 

[ClutteredCounty]

My kids are 22, 20, 17, 13. I had this same problem with my two oldest. I actually have two grandchildren and at one point had my daughter and her husband living here. I also had my other daughter showing up every night with her boyfriend for dinner. A lot of times that particular daughter would "spend the day with me"..... I figured out it was because she didn't like what was in his parents fridge....

I was cooking and doing dishes for eight people every night! No one of them helped. You can't imagine my living room every morning when I woke up.........If I said anything the drama and fights that followed were horrible. So, I hit them where it hurt.........in food. Young people seem to be concerned with eating something that is "good".

The fridge was no longer filled with all the delicious snacks or sandwich makings they so loved and came home for. Taco Bell and every other fast food restaurant no longer existed in my fridge. I kept it empty. The good ole country meals made from scratch disappeared and turned into very meager meals. We are talking tuna casserole made with a bag of noodles and a can of soup instead of homemade fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy etc..... I really stuck it to them with frozen pot pies and mixed veggies from the freezer department. I really went out of my way to make the most un-tastiest, cheap, budget meals. If they asked why, I told them I was sorry that this was all we could afford. It took about two months for things to start changing. First one moved out, and then the other stopped coming to spend the day over here and she and her boyfriend stopped coming for dinner. My oldest two daughters both have their own homes. It is wonderful to see them try and manage how to feed their family. They do frequently call home for recipes. I am enjoying cooking for just four instead of eight.

Two down, two to go. The issues are kind of different now. My 17 year old complains that I buy everything in the world as far as clothes for his 13 year old sister. Which I really don't. Maybe a 7 dollar shirt from Walmart every other month. Nothing compared to the over 200 every month that I have to pay on his cell phone bill and car insurance!!! That is my new dilema....... How can I explain to him that he is getting a whole lot more than her each month? I wouldn't be paying this insurance if he could actually find a job. All the adults have the few jobs available around here.