Seriously, which would you choose?

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
You love him and he loves you, how can you consider Scenario 2?

After 34 years of marriage I can honestly say that love ebbs and tides. It rises and falls. Your only human if you have doubts. The test is that you can leave but you don't you wait for the tide to come in again and it does.
Funny my first wife had our rings engraved "love never fails" guess we didn't have love huh?
My second wife and I have been through some trials so let me give you some wisdom.

Trouble will come but it never comes to stay.
In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, til death do us part. Believe me we've had em all.
Love bears all things, believes all things (trusts), hopes all things, endures all things. (like what your feeling now), Love never fails.
Love is not like a romance novel. Your not like the woman in the novel and he ain't like the guy either.
Tell him how you feel.
Keep one thing that you do together, eat dinner at the table, go to church, find your common ground, what brought you together in the first place.
Over look the little things, the socks next to the bed, etc. etc.
Compliment, compliment, compliment.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
I love you is not something that goes without saying.
Then she looked at me and said , once I loved but love is dead. And I whispered sometimes love is only sleeping. (the Monkeys 1969)

Why not make one of those projects in Scenario #2 to work on your relationship with him.

 

[cluckcluck42]

I think people give up on relationships too early nowadays. It's very sad. If you love someone, anything can be fixed. It's easy to get wrapped up in work and distance from your spouse, but it is something that can be worked on.

Have you thought of taking a vacation? Or just leaving for awhile? Go visit a sister in another town or something? Discuss things COMPLETELY with him before you leave, you should be totally honest or else you will never work things out. Explain how you are feeling and how much you love him and want to work it out. Be brutally honest but be gentle. Then take some time on your own, give each other some space to think. Come back to the relationship and give it your all and see where it goes.

If after this, you still feel the same... then you will likely be much happier on your own in the long run.

 

[chickerdoodle]

I can only give my opinion and personal experience of relationships. I have been married for 17 years and honestly can say I am more in love with my husband than when we married. We made our own promises on our wedding night after the crowd was gone. The first was to always tell each other "I love you" every day--we've never missed one yet. I often say it first and occasionally he makes it out to be silly but when we go to bed I cannot tell you how many times he has told me he loves me when he thinks I am asleep. There is nothing so sweet as hearing it yet not letting him know I am awake. We also promised to have a "date" every week. Sometimes it is a lunch date at McDonald's or a just pizza at home, but we do it--and we talk about anything or everything. We forced ourselves into taking vacations by purchasing vacation credits in Worldmark by Wyndham. Now that we are in our 50's we take 4-5 vacations every year--just us. We have great house and pet-sitters for our critters so we can relax when we leave them. We do nag each other and complain just like everyone else but we never go to bed angry--I won't allow it. If you take that moment--every day--to say "I love you" it will sink in if it was there to begin with. It also makes you take another moment to listen for it when he says it back. Sometimes I tease him into saying it and after a few minutes we find ourselves laughing together. It takes discussions and work from both of you. Your relationship has the basic ingredients but the connection has been broken. See that counselor even if he wont. You may get tools to help him open up. Tell him "I love you" every day and see if he says it back. At least it will open the communication lines a little to get you on the road to recovery if that's where you are meant to be. I wish you the best and hope you make the decision carefully. I do want to add that you are entitled to be happy but it is not free.

 

[baltimoreharps]

Quote:
You love him and he loves you, how can you consider Scenario 2?

After 34 years of marriage I can honestly say that love ebbs and tides. It rises and falls. Your only human if you have doubts. The test is that you can leave but you don't you wait for the tide to come in again and it does.
Funny my first wife had our rings engraved "love never fails" guess we didn't have love huh?
My second wife and I have been through some trials so let me give you some wisdom.

Trouble will come but it never comes to stay.
In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, til death do us part. Believe me we've had em all.
Love bears all things, believes all things (trusts), hopes all things, endures all things. (like what your feeling now), Love never fails.
Love is not like a romance novel. Your not like the woman in the novel and he ain't like the guy either.
Tell him how you feel.
Keep one thing that you do together, eat dinner at the table, go to church, find your common ground, what brought you together in the first place.
Over look the little things, the socks next to the bed, etc. etc.
Compliment, compliment, compliment.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
I love you is not something that goes without saying.
Then she looked at me and said , once I loved but love is dead. And I whispered sometimes love is only sleeping. (the Monkeys 1969)

Why not make one of those projects in Scenario #2 to work on your relationship with him.

This.

I have a lot of bad health days and while it was a source of friction in the early days when I started feeling badly, we joke about it now. Dh now just smiles when I have a bad day, he says, "well, that's the norm, now isn't it?"

We've been married almost 20 years, so we've been through a LOT in those years, but he is the love of my life and while we're not lovey dovey all of the time, we do tell each other, "I love you" before we go out the door and the kids have picked up the habit from us.. I can't even go to the market a mile down the road without both of the younger ones running out yelling, "Wait, we didn't give you a kiss and hug!!" It's completely precious and I am so thankful for these children!

Talk to your husband!!

g It's not easy and there was more than one time that one or the other of us were ready to walk out the door, but, we talked, yelled, etc and came to a compromise.It is worth it if both are willing to work on it though.
Praying for you and your husband.

g

 

[CityChicker]

Really, to be honest with you, your Scenario 1 sounds like a normal marriage to me. You would consider divorcing over that? I just don't get it. No one is responsible for your happiness other than you. It really sounds like you are just bored. That and maybe you can use a little romance. Welcome to the club. That is life. If you need more, create more. Talk to your husband. Ride it out. Far too many people get divorced these days simply because they are going through a period where the "spark" is gone. As several people have already said, it is normal. It will get better.

I just can't imagine being sure that you and your husband love each other and yet also considering divorce or separation. It just doesn't make sense to me. Don't be one of those people that throws a marriage away over what sounds like nothing (to me). At some point, you have to decide that you *are* married. For me, that means sticking it out through thick and thin. I can't imagine even considering leaving my husband. We go through phases like everyone else where life is less exciting, but he is my HUSBAND, for better or worse. Seriously, he would have to do something really heinous for me to even consider divorce (like physical abuse). Obviously, YMMV, and that's okay too. I was just raised to believe that marriage is forever and divorce is not even a possibility, ever. I certainly understand that a lot of people do not agree with this, but it is just unimaginable to me to consider divorce in the situation you describe. Good luck to you! I'm sure you can get through this.

 

[Mahonri]

I personally KNOW someone who opted for option 2.

She let the critters come between herself and her husband.

She is MISERABLE.

 

[GaNewChick]

Quote:
I think it is important to examine how you two interacted before the marriage. How was the romance, companionship, communication? Did he work 24/7 while you were dating? How much has really changed since you got married?

 

[chickabator]

My dh NEVER tells me he loves me. I tell him every day. He tells me that If I didn't love you I would have left a long time ago. and this is the most important thing to him.
"The bible says to love indeed" and that is how he does he doesn't have to tell me that he loves me he SHOWS me he loves me. anyone can say I love you and not mean it, they can be empty words, but to show someone you love them that is how you can tell. He works like a dog, to provide for us, that is how he knows to show someone he loves them that is the way he was taught. If you love your family you will work and provide for them. that is just James. does he love me YES he does, is he as romantic as he use to be No he is not, he is too tired am I as romantic as I use to be No I am not. Time changes that . If it is romance that you are lacking then do something about it. Make a candlelight dinner for the 2 of you, buy yourself a new nightie or something to bring on the mood, if there is a spark fan it to make a roring fire (if you now what I mean). Do I get lonely yes I do, but I know he is tired because he works so hard to provide for us. If I need someone to talk to to have companionship with I just tell him have a seat we need to talk for awhile. that way he understands . He does me the same way, he is not psycic if there is something wrong you need to come right out and tell him. More than likely he is thinking he is showing you that he loves you by working so hard, just tell him what you are needing, that is a lot of reasons marriages fail lack of communication but how can he know something is wrong if you never tell him. We have been married now for 22 years almost 23 wouldnt change a thing. He is my soul mate and I love him better than life its self. Does he love me that much yes he does. I found that out when I got put in the hospital, and he thought I was dying, sure brought some light to the picture then, when he thought he was losing me.

talk to him tell him the way you are feeling, how do you expect him to know if you never tell him.

 

[TipsyDog]

Quote:
Forgive me if this was already suggested (I didn't read the whole thread):

If he is acting the same today as the man you married 5 years ago, then that's just who he is. If, however, 5 years ago there was more romance then today then I would suggest a trip to the doctor. You don't say how old DH is, but after 40 most start to slow down. Did he gain belly fat? That cuts into a man's hormone and his desires get suppressed. Is he depressed? Perhaps there is a medical reason to his lack of desire. I've been married a long time so I really have no idea what I'm talking about, but I always thought men had a greater physical need to "get romantic" unlike us women.

Otherwise, I'd make my feelings known. A marriage is between two people and it can be anything those two people are happy with regardless of what anyone else thinks. I couldn't pick either one of your scenarios for me. My DH is a good provider, but luckily we are also best friends so the companionship is always there. Living alone with critters wouldn't cut it for me - I NEED a man around

I hope you can come to terms with whatever you decide!