SHe has no more excuses. rant

[Hen_House_Rocks!]

Sounds like my SIL. She seriously makes me crazy. She stays at home with her three kids and collects welfare and her house is a sty. My husband and I both work two full time jobs, have two kids ages 5 and 3, I go to school part time, and we buy houses that we fix up ourselves to flip. We work HARD! Yet every time she comes to our home (which is pretty clean but far from spotless) she remarks that she just doesn't have as much time as we have to keep her house as clean as ours. I honestly don't care that her house is a filthy disgusting mess. It just really ticks me off when she says she doesn't have as much free time as we do. What the heck?? If she would just keep her excuses/comments to herself and show up somewhat on time we would be fine. I'm sometimes tempted to stick a sock in her mouth!

Sorry for the rant, just wanted you to know I understand!

 

[English Chick]

Don't lose any sleep over her..... treat her exactly how she treats you... then just walk away....

.. so glad I don't have a sister....

 

[Wynette]

ME too, EC!!

 

[horsejody]

[email protected] :

I've read that being chronically late is a control thing. So like the post said above, probably for attention or just to have some control over some situation. But it's still just rude.

If it's lunch or dinner, eat without her. If it's a shopping trip or some sort of outing, leave without her. If it's just a visit, call and say, "Sorry, since you're not here yet, we won't really have enough time for a proper visit. After all, I have plans for later. We'll have to get together some other day."​

 

[Enchanted Sunrise Farms]

i come from a family of chronically late folk. Our parents never taught us to focus, prioritize, or arrive to events on time. My mother was trying to do a million different things (that needed doing, just not then) and getting ready was last on the list. i think she may have felt that she didn't have the time to take care of herself, but had to if we were going somewhere. Then my father was agoraphobic and never wanted to leave the house. So, i was habitually late most of my young life.

What changed me was watching a show, can't remember which one. But they talked about how people who are always late are very self-centered people. They never take other people' feelings into consideration, so they don't care if others are sitting and wasting their time waiting for them. i had never thought about things that way. i felt terrible. i wasn't trying to be rude. i felt like i was trying really hard to do what had to be done, to get myself ready, and get to where i had to go. But seeing things from that perspective, i realized i was too focused just on myself and overwhelmed by the minutiae in my life.

i had to really train myself to prioritize, to focus on when i had to be somewhere, then backtrack to when i had to depart the house, then allow myself plenty of time to get ready. i would make sure to get ready first and put other tasks second. i also pared down on my personal prep time. If i didn't have make-up on or my hair perfect, so be it.

i think in general, people who are chronically late don't really mean to be. They just need some education, refocusing, and to learn how to prioritize. Not all of us learned that growing up.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Her lateness is always going to be an issue, but I learned to move past it long ago. I never ever make plans that mean I am dependent on her being some where and I never alter my plans for her. And I learned my lesson long ago never plan a meal where she is bringing anything important to the meal!

Curliet is right I think, and enchanted has a point, but our attitude toward time is a family joke. I am chronically early, usually fifteen minutes or more, middle sister if you tell her to meet you at 10:15 on a corner in New York City ten years from now she will walk up to that corner at precisely 10:15. Then there is this sister who knows no time except her own. I think she is both terribly insecure and self centered. Sometimes really insecure people get so focused on how inadequate they are that they end up making themselves more important than they are. They think everyone is always talking about them when really they are simply not that important. People are busy talking about themselves....

Discovering and embracing my unimportance was the most freeing thing I have ever done. Now I am able to be important in a real way.

I just had to vent.... sisters' buttons are many many years in the making.

 

[horsejody]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Discovering and embracing my unimportance was the most freeing thing I have ever done.

Now, now. Just remember that you are unique and special, just like everybody else.

 

[flakey chick]

Quote:
I think the time thing with my dad has a bit to do with 15 years of living on island time as a young adult. I think living in a smaller community it's easier to change plans on the go- fewer people to coordinate with.

Just last weekend we were supposed to meet my folks at a movie theater, but they didn't show. I explained to my husband that I never saw the first part of a movie as a child because my dad always brought us. It turns out that my parents did show up, but couldn't find the right time on the marquee and thought they were at the wrong theater. They went to the next showing at the next theater and we met them afterwards.

 

[farmin'chick]

My best friend was perennially promptness challenged. So, okay, I'm a little bit obsessive compulsive, and HAVE to be on time. I shared some skills with her that helped, like planning backward from the deadline to figure out how long it would take you to be ready for it...but you have to CARE to benefit and learn those skills. The really effective thing was, I started giving her the directions to whatever exciting place we were going and saying, "I hope I'll see you there if you're not at my house at 9:30 when I leave!" She loved going the exciting and off the wall places we went, and hated driving herself, so she learned to get herself there on time! Funny -- now she is irritated by people who are chronically late.

 

[curliet]

It took years, and a lot of frustration, but in the end I learned that she will never change, and I don't deserve the aggravation.

What ended the whole thing was a planned "girls weekend" at our place up north. She and I, and our 2 cousins that we don't see often were going to spend the weekend together just hanging out. My cousins drove from their homes, a few hours away, to my home. She was supposed to come to my home as well, and we were all going to go in my van to the place. (No one else knew how to get there.) We were going to stop first at a local restaurant for supper and then hit the road. Cousins and I waited for over an hour at my house, then finally went to the restaurant, telling my hubby to send her there to meet us. Got a ph call from him saying that she was "running late" (by this time it was 2 hours late) and would we order some take-out for her. When we left the restaurant we had to go back to my house. She finally showed up almost 2 hours after that, and laughed about "Oh, you know me, I always run slower than you do, haha". Since at this point she was 4 hours late, we did NOT laugh along with her. No sense of humor, right?

We still had a 2 hour drive ahead of us, and she wasn't happy when I told her she had to eat her take out in the car on the way, that she had wasted too much of our time already. By the time we reached the place, it was late night and we had to unload groceries, bedding, make beds, etc. It would have been fun doing all that together if we hadn't already been pretty irritated and not tired.

That was my wake-up call. I no longer invite her to do things. If I do invite her, I tell her what time we are leaving and if she can't make it at that time she will have to drive herself. Or not go. It's a shame, but it's the only way to not let her ruin the things we do.
As I said earlier, she does make it to work on time, because they can fire her. And she makes it to church functions as well, but that's something that is close to her heart and is also an escape for her from her weekday routine. The rest of us are just chopped liver.