should I be bothered by this?

[zzGypsy]

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Ha! yeah, spent a LOT of time in my good shrink's office getting my head right... no doubt I sound like him... much better than sounding like the warped brain I grew up with! I'm pretty sure I wasn't much fun to be married to the first two times. fortunately, I do learn, with proper leverage, relentless coaching, and a patient (third) hubby who's way better at this relationship stuff than I am.

I know some guys aren't good with the PDA (public displays of affection) ... that's why I like putting an arm through his - more courtly and formal, still serves to allow you to match pace. I think it makes some men feel a bit more manly too, more of a gentleman, a bit protective. interestingly, if we're in casual clothes, my hubby will hold hands. if he's got a sport coat or suit on, he takes my hand and puts it on his arm... it's like an instinctive upgrade in formality and courtliness. I find it charming.

 

[zzGypsy]

Quote:
ha!

for me, that was grousing speed... I don't want to be totally left behind, makes me anxious, but I'm not happy about the pace, so I won't act like I am. it usually ended badly. somewhere between

and

ok, bad behavior on my part,

now I speak up.

my hubby is the romantic in the pair, if I really want to change his pace, I can change his focus... instead of where he's going, to where I am. if I stop... and stop him... admire the view, say something sweet, put my arm around his waist, my head on his sholder for a minute, he quickly and naturally reorients to the "us" space instead of the "where we're headed" space. the trick, since I'm not the naturally romantic one, is remembering to do that. works every time when I do.

took a lot of shrink time to learn that my natural reactions (hurt, withdrawl, anger) weren't nearly as effective as communication, redirection, and sweetness. If I'm crabby about something, it usually means I need to review *my* tactics. ok, sometimes it means he needs to fix his behavior, but usually, it's me.

the good news is, if it's me, I can fix it.

 

[Attila the Hen]

My husband does the same thing and I have come to accept it, if I want to linger and not be propelled at a different pace. Some years ago we were in San Francisco at an air show at the wharf and it was wall to wall people. I lost him in the crowd and was pretty irritated with him. There was a woman there looking for her lost child and I said Oh, I've lost my husband and she said "husbands are replaceable." Sort of put things into perspective. I am still amused by that.
I think you have got a lot of good input here. Relationships of all types are not easy with marriage being one of the most difficult because we have so many unrealistic and often unspoken expectations. That he loves you is clear.

 

[Beekissed]

I have this problem with walking with my grown sons or my best friend, who is very tall...my short legs can only go so fast. I just go my own pace and let them run away from me...eventually they notice I'm not keeping pace and they will turn and come back to me. After a couple of times of this, they eventually learn that I will not, cannot, be forced to go any faster, I won't eat faster to keep up with them and I certainly am not a bit lonely proceeding at my own pace in life.

I think you've had a lot of good advice on this thread, so I'll only add one thing. Go your own pace and expect the man/world to slow down for you...if he/it doesn't, too bad. You'll get to where you are going with or without him.

 

[Dar]

my hubby does this and i get downright nasty with him....

I have no patience for rudeness and to me thats rude... its telling me he does not want to be seen with me

we were out at a street festival in the fall and he was doing his same old tricks.... so the kids and I went our own way... i would not answer my cell and i told the kids not to either...when he finally caught up with us I was talking to a guy that I worked with a couple years ago but he did not know it was an old co-worker... well the green eyed monster came for a visit...

since then we have been to other functions and he has not left my side...

i know this is not the right method of dealing with it but it worked for me.. lol

 

[yomama]

I just want to say thank you to all of you for your advice and suggestions. It's nice to know that even though it isn't a huge problem, it is a common problem.
zzGpysy- you make some very good points. I do find myself falling into that whole "he should know I'm in pain and should be walking with me" ie, reading my mind, lol. In regards to him offering to miss half the game to drop me off, he didn't. He chose not to drop me off, because he would miss half the game. But ultimately, yes, I should of took him up on his offer to have him go get the truck and come and pick me up after the game. Honestly, I wouldn't of minded walking that far, being in pain and all, had he just walked with me. I'm used to alot of pain, I've developed a pretty high tolerance over this past year (nasty ordeal with pain meds. I currently have not been taking anything for pain for about the past 2 - 3 months. I always say that if I were a dog with hip displaysia like this, I would of put me down by now

) . In my defense, I do speak up usually. I will say things like"I can only go so fast" or "see you later grandpa" (referring to all the old men we see walking 10 feet ahead of their little old wives.) But I think I will have a little more of a serious talk with him the next time this comes up, letting him know that it doesn't just irritate me, but that it does hurt my feelings and makes me feel like he doesn't want to be bothered by walking with me. Regardless of what I should be doing, I still think that it is insensitive on his part a little. I guess I just miss the gentleman behavor he used to show me years ago. And yes, I have told him this too. What makes this hard for me too, is that he is not afraid to show affection in public, he is very loving, will do anything I ask of him, no matter what, but yet he doesn't seem to get this one. I will try the holding hands thing, though I'm usually the one that stops it, because my hands get hot, or it sometimes throws my balance off. Oh well, hopefully when I talk to him about it, it will help. Thanks again everyone so much. I had my doubts about posting, because I figured I get alot of people thinking I was whining. It's nice to see that so many of you are empathetic to this situation.
Thank you!!!!!

 

[bustermommy]

Regarding your hands getting hot, if he is wearing a long sleeved shirt, it is usually more comfortable to me to hold his arm just below the elbow, just wrap my hand around his lower arm so you aren't skin to skin. Hope you know what I mean, that's not explained very well.

 

[yomama]

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I do.

Thanks, thats a good idea.

 

[ChikeeMomma]

I had to laugh because my hubby usually walks ahead of me, too. I guess it doesn't bother me so much. I chalk it up to him being a whole foot taller than me. He has longer legs and a naturally long stride. We have laughed about it together because I'd have to always run to keep up with him. If I want him walking with me, I do let him know. Usually, I'll hold his arm or hand.

 

[3goodeggs]

I do that to my husband. I try not to, but I got trained to keep up with my son, and even though he is a big kid now and can cross the street by himself... I still rush to keep up with him. Then I stop and wait for my husband... let him get close then bolt after my son.
One day I am going to scream at them to 'hurry up' and slow down in the same breath and it will come out as something unintelligible.. like 'stopup' or 'hurryop'
I will try harder to linger with the hubby, and insist the boy does too.
I am a fast walker, and my husband is a meander-er. But if that is all we can't see eye to eye on, life is still good!