Some Short Ones.

[Fields Mountain Farm]

 

[Col1948]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
But what do I do with the letters?

The wife has asked me for something hot and steamy for her birthday and I thought she hated ironing.

I've finally found something the wife's bum doesn't look big in.
The distance.

After the wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Phoned a ladder hire company, no answer it just rung and rung and rung and...

The wife still won't talk to me, even after two weeks in the Bahamas.
Worst welcome home ever.

Went to a Christmas panto for people suffering from paranoid schizophrenia last night.
It was going well until someone shouted "He's behind you."

Stop asking me to change my password.
I cant keep renaming the dog.

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

Whenever I read a thread on these websites I keep seeing this name popup, he is everywhere.
Who the hell is Mark Unread?

More to follow

 

[Fields Mountain Farm]

Mark Unread...

Ok.. those are great!
I really look forward to reading these with my morning coffee... and Im getting better at not spitting it all over my phone as Im reading and laughing...

 

[Col1948]

Not a sort one but...

Prince Charles was driving through the royal grounds when he ran over one of the Corgis, he jumped out of his car only to find the Corgi dead, he thought quick and decided to bury it for fear of the trouble he would be in.
While making a hole in the ground he found and old lamp, as he rubbed the soil off it a genie appeared, the genie granted him one wish, so Charles asked the genie if he could bring the Corgi back to life.
The genie looked at the Corgi and shook his head saying, "You made a right mess of that, I'm afraid it's beyond anything I can do, have you anything else I can do for you?"
Then Charles got out his wallet and shown him a picture of Diana and said, "This was my first wife, she was very beautiful and the whole nation loved her," then he shown the genie a picture of Camilla, he asked the genie if he could make Camilla as beautiful as Diana and get the nation to love her as much.
The genie looked at the two photos, shaking his head again then he said, "Tell you what, let's have another look at that dog."

 

[Fields Mountain Farm]

Oh thats bad...

 

[Col1948]

To the person who has stolen my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle.
Grow up.

I went to my cat's funeral today... Hopefully for the last time.

My wife's left me because I'm paranoid and insecure.
Oh hang on, she's back.
She was just making a cup of tea.

I nearly forgot to post a Facebook update about my gym session.
What a waste of a workout that would have been!

My mate blindfolded me, put me in a taxi and said he was taking me for a drink for my birthday, when he finally whipped the blindfold off, I said I'm either in Wetherspoons or the video set for Michael Jacksons thriller.

My girlfriend says Im hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well, shes in for a shock.

I have been buying a lot of beer recently... I hope I am not becoming a shopaholic.

Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'
And the longest sentence is 'I do'

I went out last night and got completely out of my skull.
I woke up this morning next to a woman that was constantly farting and snoring.
So I knew I'd made it home OK.

Is it just me, or are circles pointless?


More to follow...

 

[Fields Mountain Farm]

 

[Col1948]

I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon.

I didn't realize my reputation for teaching marine life was common knowledge until I phoned Sea World to book some tickets... My call was recorded for training porpoises.

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

People make jokes about their mother in law but my mother in law is ok.
It's her daughter I can't stand.

I once dumped a cross eyed girlfriend.
I thought she was seeing someone else.

I went to the sign writers and ordered a 6 foot A, a six foot S and a six foot K.
He said "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask."

Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with absolutely no idea about what he's done wrong.

I've just come back from a holiday of a lifetime.
I'll tell you what, never again!

Our local town flasher was about to retire but he's now decided to stick out for another year.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, its more of a rap.

Just had my birthday card off Moonpig.
She hates it when I call her that.


More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls.
The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago."

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.

My boss said to me, "This is the fifth time this week that you've come to work late. Do you know what that means?"
"Yes," I replied, "It's Friday."

I would sleep better at night if scientist's could discover a cure for natural causes.

I saw a microbiologist today... He was bigger than I imagined.

Marriage: the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Someone sent me a lump of Plasticine through the post, I don't know what to make of it.

The wife complains I never buy her flowers.
I never knew she sold them.

If women ruled the world, there would be no wars... Just a bunch of angry, jealous countries, not talking to each other.

In my teens, I fell in love with a one armed potholer.
I still carry a torch for her.

My brother took going to jail really badly... He refused food and drinks, he spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere...
After that we never played monopoly again.

I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

I just taught my class about using a protractor, with varying degrees of success.

Whenever I get a migraine, I take 2 Aspirins and keep away from children... Just like the bottle says.

If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless, just remember there's someone out there fitting indicators on BMWs.

Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.
'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.

Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words.


More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls.
The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago."

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.

My boss said to me, "This is the fifth time this week that you've come to work late. Do you know what that means?"
"Yes," I replied, "It's Friday."

I would sleep better at night if scientist's could discover a cure for natural causes.

I saw a microbiologist today... He was bigger than I imagined.

Marriage: the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Someone sent me a lump of Plasticine through the post, I don't know what to make of it.

The wife complains I never buy her flowers.
I never knew she sold them.

If women ruled the world, there would be no wars... Just a bunch of angry, jealous countries, not talking to each other.

In my teens, I fell in love with a one armed potholer.
I still carry a torch for her.

My brother took going to jail really badly... He refused food and drinks, he spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere...
After that we never played monopoly again.

I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

I just taught my class about using a protractor, with varying degrees of success.

Whenever I get a migraine, I take 2 Aspirins and keep away from children... Just like the bottle says.

If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless, just remember there's someone out there fitting indicators on BMWs.

Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.
'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.

Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words.


More to follow...