Starting new support group - EOLWDP

[wegotchickens]

I'm usually the more up one, and try to always be upbeat. If he pulls me down into a blue funk one too many times, I snarl viciously and continually, thus reminding him that if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. This always cures him for a while. We go through this cycle on an almost quarterly basis.

It's hard work being a (b)witch on a consistent level until he sees the light. But easier than trying to cheer him up. And generally the house gets really clean and I get breakfast in bed by the end of the grumpies.

That's my strategy for coping eith a gloom & doom pessimist...

 

[McGoo]

My dh can be like that, but probably not as bad. Here's what I've done with limited success. Maybe it would give you an idea. I make him give me positive input.

Like if let's say that I've really done a great job at something he would typically point out the negative or not say anything at all ... and I just freak out and tell him he has to say something positive. I go so far as to make up the sentence myself and ask him to repeat it back to me. 'You really did a great job on the .....' And then he always wants to add in the 'but.....' but I won't let him. I tell him 'no, stop right there.' and I leave the room.

I know this is definitely different than you dh, but it does have it's similarities. And I thought that if I did this a couple of times he would learn, kinda like a child, but it never has.

 

[Patchofheaven]

My father-in-law lives with us and he thrives off of negativity, hate and mean gossip. My husband is his father polar opposite, my husband is always positive, outgoing and loving to all. So I guess it's not always hereditary.

It is very hard to live with all of the negativity all of the time, but I wake up each day with a smile and kiss my husband good morning and know that it will be a good day because we are together.

 

[McGoo]

One other idea is to have an upbeat support system - i.e. byc and or other friends and family, that you can talk to daily and download on and get upbeat feedback from. All the best - hang in there.

 

[ruth]

Quote:
Sort of, but he says he's a realist, not a pessimist. Says he lives day to day and wont have dreams or make plans because there is no money, nothing will get better, it can only get worse, etc, etc, etc. I, on the other hand, have to look ahead, make plans, dream, even if none of them will ever happen or I will become depressed!I'm not in la-la land, I'm a realistic optimist, I tell him. It's hard always being the one to look at the positive, the one to stay cool when the other one is in a state of panic, etc. I so hear you, Ruth and I empathize. No answers here, but I know the feeling.

Are we married to the same guy Cyn? Mine always say he's a realist too!! I always tell him a person can be a realist without just seeing the negative!!

Ditto here - He's not being negative - "just realistic". I've explained to him how his version of reality can be a real downer and to please keep his dire predictions to himself but he just can't help himself. So far, in the 9 years we've been married, none of his dire predictions have to come to pass (thank God).

And for those suggesting the move may have stressed him out - I'm sure it did but Outlook not retrieving all of our e-mail within a nano second also stresses him out; calling customer service and having to "press 1, press 2" also stresses him out.

The main reason for the move was to be living the simpler life in the country in a town without traffic because crowds, lines and traffic were stressing him out. Plus he had a real issue with last house being mine so we bought one together. I guess that's why I'm feeling frustrated. I wanted to believe this move would help but I'm starting to think I left everything I knew and people I loved to make this move for him and he's more stressed and depressed than ever. And, we are truly blessed financially with our businesses and real estate holdings. If I had his IRA I would never worry. Just beats me.

Thought there might be others out there who would want to share or know that they are not alone.

 

[suenrob]

Although my DH is not usually a pessimist, He has been depressed and anxious since being layed off at the end of the year. One day as I sat reading the bible, he was pacing back and forth from the kitchen through the livingroom (where I was trying to read) and mumbling "what the @#&^% are we going to to?"

I just happened to be in the book of Matthew reading Jesus' sermon on the mount( Matt 6-8) I starting reading out loud to him Matt 6:27 which says "Who of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his life span?
Then i explained that he was going to worry himself right into a heart attack!

I continued reading to him and backed up to Matt 6:25 "On this account I say to you: Stop being anxious about your souls as to what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your bodies as to what you will wear........and reading all the way to vs33,34 "Keep on , then, seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you. So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties, sufficient for each day is its own badness."

Dh is not really a religious man, but he stopped pacing and listened, and then we were able to talk rationally about our options. He appreciated me calming him down.

Anyways......God's word offers much comfort and hope for the future. It helped my DH, maybe it will help yours!!!!

Well, that's just my 2 cents worth.....Have a great day

 

[ruth]

Quote:
It's a great idea but one I've tried with no success. For example we travel for a living and he always freaks out that we are not going to make it to flight on time (though we are 3 hours early). On way to airport he drives like a lunatic. I've tried asking, begging, pleading and demanding on many occassions that if he loves me, even if he doesn't believe it, just say "It will be o.k. - we will make it on time" but he just clenches his jaw and refuses to say it and drives like someone possessed.

The couples therapist said "just walk away and let him have his panic/depressed attacks". Easier said than done when you live together, work together from home, travel together - virtually spend 24/7 together. I can't get him to get a hobby or join some friends for an outing. Nope, his version of fun is reminding me of how awful things are.

I'm the complete opposite - always laughing, cutting up, telling stories - getting excited and annimated (he can't stand that) - starting new businesses (all successful) or hobbies or groups and always busy. I personally think he, or anyone else who spends so much time coming up with the negative scenarios just doesn't have enough to do.

I didn't mean to start this as a vent - guess I must have been holding a lot in. Really just wanted to hear if there are any other couples out there that are polar opposites and how you handle it.

 

[ruth]

Quote:
Thank you. It's such a favorite passage of mine that you will notice it is my signature on this forum. Can't tell you how many times I've reminded my husband of that passage. He got saved about two years ago and is very gifted intellectually (math & chemistry double major). At first he had a really hard time with the bible, trying to "figure it out" actually worried himself crazy and was about to be committed. He knows it literally verse by verse, backwards and forwards. Best I've been able to do to overcome his fears and worries is to ask him to pray with me each day. There in the presence of the Lord it's hard for him to complain about anything but to instead give thanks for all we've been blessed with.

 

[McGoo]

Ruth,
The more I read about your dh, the more I want to say that he is probably clinically depressed. Perhaps he would be willing to go to a family doctor to discuss? there are some good meds out there. They won't do anything, but make him less anxious and stressed. It's worth a try. I can't imagine living like that. It sounds really sad.

 

[mcg30_40]

When my DH starts going into depression and "end of the world" moods I've learned the fastest way to pull him out is to ignore him. By this I mean literally...my helpful suggestions, pep talks, get-over-it talks and supporting (I tried it all) did nothing but drive him deeper. When I started turning my back on him, ignoring his comments and not catering to him....he came running.
We also have rule in the house now of no negitivity (joking or otherwise). When he gets in a mood, I remind him of the rule then walk away. Sounds weird for two grown adults but it works.