Starting new support group - EOLWDP

[Queen of the Lilliputians]

Wow, I think we are all married to the same man!

My dh is a great guy. He'll do anything for anyone. But when it comes to life.. well. It's never more than half-full for him.

He probably thinks I'm a dreamer, too, but really. I think you (meaning me) HAVE to have something to look forward to. Otherwise you (meaning me) are just wallowing in the crap going on at the moment.

I do the best I can with the 'Honey it's going to get better'. I think that's part of my role as his wife. Sometimes he just needs someone to say that everything will be ok. Then, if he keeps whining about the same thing, I walk away. For any new issue, there is a 48hr period where I feel it's fine to feel sorry for oneself. After that.. it's just whining.

Over the years it has gotten better. A big part of it for my dh is that I think for a long time he was stuck in just 'existing' day to day.. never really 'living', if you know what I mean. He didn't plan for the future because he was too busy trying to figure out where he was going to sleep that night. He's come around 180 since the beginning, but he'll probably never be really optomistic.

And for the record, I've had to break up with negative friends, too. It's not easy, and I always feel badly. But there are people out there that are simply emotional vampires (not to be confused with people who are just in a slump).

 

[LoneCowboy]

Yep, I'm married to the same guy too. Boy he sure gets around. He's been a lot worse since we've been trying to make a go of our business. He gets mad that I'm not all worried and fretting too. Besides the fact that I take drugs so I don't get that way... I totally believe in him and that he will make this a success or die doing it. But yes, the constant downer drags me down a lot. Before we were married, I thought I was the negative one.

But I've learned to have a lot of faith and I'm a lot calmer.

 

[speckledhen]

Another factor could be what type of childhood did he have? I never worried about whether my family could eat or pay bills or would lose their house, but my DH did. In fact, they did lose a house and car and his dad had a nervous breakdown. He tells me about when his grandmother traveled up to see them on the Nancy Hanks (train) to bring fatback and flour so she could make them biscuits and gravy and he had that and coffee for breakfast as a young kid. So, he is truly a product of his childhood. Dont know about yours, Ruth, but we all have our baggage.

 

[ruth]

Quote:
I have so much baggage there's not enough trains to ship it or porters to carry it so I just left it all back there in the past where it belongs but, you name it, it's back there.

Hubby, however, idealic childhood, went to small private "very pricey" university on full scholarship and did a double major math/chemistry with 4.0 in 3 years. Went on to be executive of oil company, retired at 44. Maybe that's the problem - he's always worried about losing it all and being poor and really having to work for a living. And since I started with nothing, and worked hard all my life, I'm not worried about starting over if I had to - with the Lord's help, did it once, can do it again. Raised myself since I was 13.

 

[hensdeliverthegoods]

Quote:
I work in the mental health field, and I heartily agree with McGoo. Depression in men tends to manifest itself with irritability and negativity. You may want to get some advice on how best to approach him with the idea of going for an evaluation. Good luck.

 

[ruth]

Hi all - it's good, but sad, to see there are others out there like DH. I don't want to do what they do and focus on negatives. I originally posted this thinking I would share some of my "so sad they're funny" stories. Humor is the way I handle my husband - it doesn't work on him but makes me feel better - the rest I just have to ignore as best possible. But, here's an example. I've had my business for 15 years. Husband partnered with me when we got married - he had just retired from oil company. Anyway, on a regular basis, he convinces himself and tries to convince me that we are going to lose our business - can't go to lunch together - "what if a customer calls and get's voice mail and takes their business somewhere else - we can't afford to lose a customer - blah, blah, blah" (and he's off on a roll). I've learned to cut him off with "Yeah, yeah, I know - we're going to be selling pencils in the snow." Now the pencils in the snow is my attempt at humor - should be matches in the snow but that might be a needed business - however pencils in the snow is as hopeless as hubby is making out the "might happen" situation.

Well, just the other day - he was on a roll and I said "Yeah, yeah, pencils in the snow - I know". He cut me off: "That's just it - with this global warming there isn't going to be any snow". I had to laugh "Well then, we are truly hopeless cause that's my last business idea."

 

[texaschickmama]

OMGosh, we are married to the same man. It is so hard to stay my uppidy, happy self everyday with a man that thinks the glass in half empty all the time. I love him dearly, though. Wouldn't change anything. Only his outlook.

I guess God makes us all different so it NEVER gets boring.

 

[ruth]

Quote:
I work in the mental health field, and I heartily agree with McGoo. Depression in men tends to manifest itself with irritability and negativity. You may want to get some advice on how best to approach him with the idea of going for an evaluation. Good luck.

I guess I should have said, been there, done that. He was on meds when I met him but I did not know. He took himself off them when we married and that's when this side of him emerged. Since that time, 9 years, there have been times I've insisted he get mental help, which he has and they put him on meds but he only stays a week or two and decides he doesn't need them. Humorous but sad thing is he worries himself about effects of taking them. Get it - prescribed a pill because you worry too much but don't take it because you worry about what side effects it might have. At one time he was so panic striken and nonfunctioning the therapist was going to admit him. Also, my daughter is a therapist and she often talks to him. She also uses humor to help him and her patients. Just yesterday I heard her take a cell phone call from one of her patients and it sounded like this: "What makes you think you're heart is going to explode? Oh, your head is going to explode too? I tell you what, call me just before you think this is going to happen because I want to be there with a camera crew because that is going to be something to see......"

As I just posted, I really meant to start this thread as a type of support group aimed at humor. I'm sure all of us living with a depressed person knows all the symptoms and have tried all the usual treatments.

I'm not convinced however, that it is necessarily a mental illness (in this case) as much as a character or personality issue. Some people are just happy being miserable and always looking for something to complain about and always see the negatives instead of the positives. My husband's mother and sister (and her sons) and my husband's son all have the same "issues". More of a learned thing. Sad thing is, is that it's us (spouses) who they usually want to dump on. The type of person I'm talking about doesn't do this to other people - other people think my hubby is the kindest, most gentle, even-going, soft-spoken person they know - and he is in their presence. To me, a true mental illness is one where the person can't control their behavior. Of course, my daughter and I have lengthy debates on this one.

 

[Kaneke]

sending virtual hugs

I'm not married to the same guy, I'm married to his cousin

the one who criticizes everyone else, always has some disparaging thing to say about anything and everything

worse yet, my dad was this way too (DH "seemed" positive when we were dating, this didn't come out until after we married ... )

I get awfully fed up with the constant negativity and critical remarks ... usually winds up with me exploding: "you've called the last three drivers 'incompetent', but don't you know you drive exactly that way yourself ??"

keep telling myself, there are GOOD things about this man too (and I'm not exactly the easiest person to live with, either ..)

C

 

[beefy]

fine, i'll be the contrarian.

speaking as a cynic, myself, people who are happy and upbeat all the time kinda get on my nerves. lol. they are exhausting to be around. everything in nature and life is ultimately pretty well balanced out (night and day, for example),so it stands to reason that there should be both happy people and tragic ones in this world, and there are. maybe thats just how your husband IS. maybe there isnt anything necessarily wrong with that, or him. we downers tend to be accepting of and find a certain amount of comfort in our own dejection.

so what do you do? just go about being you. tune him out, ignore him, walk off, whatever works. but dont let it bring you down too. a sad ruth would really throw things askew, and then the sky might really fall.

glass half empty? dixie cups? we should all be grateful we have cups. little kids in africa have to drink water from a polluted stream in their cupped hands.

more later, beefy