Teen caught Sneaking out Again!

[lurky]

I just want to say.......remember what its like to be a teenager for one.
And for 2, Try to put yourself in his shoes. When my daughter was that age i felt it was more important to try not to push her away. That age is sooooo close to being an adult that you dont want to totally treat him like a 'kid'. They really resent that as they know how close they are to being an adult and really want to be treated a little more like that. I think these teens today are smarter than we ever were. This goes for the age in general, not just for this one thing.

 

[ratlummountain]

Quote:
I appreciate your opinion, but they aren't adults! It's easy for people who don't have teens to say that. And I'm not being hateful, but if you had teens you'd know that this is not acceptable behavior for a 15 yr old boy.

that's my point exactly. they are not real adults yet, but they think they are. and they're playing their game of what they percieve to be mature adult decisions.

so give 'em what they think they want, they'll quickly realize being an adult isn't exactly as romantic and wonderful as it seems to them.
of course i'm not saying throw them to the wolves, but give them a taste so they realize it's not a game. there ARE serious consequences. but you have to be able to give them a choice. you (i don't mean YOU, i mean the universal "you") take that choice away and of course they're going to feel slighted & disrespected and they're going to rebel.

"for every action there is a reaction"

you hit the nail on the head and we agree. i'm not being hateful either, it's just common sense to me.

i don't have kids for a reason, it was a very conscious decision (much to my mother in law's shock & horror) to not have kids.
while i may not know what it's like to have teenagers, i think i'm offering a view from the other side of the fence. it may have been 15 years ago that i was in her sons shoes, but i remember those shoe's well.

 

[Bubba]

When they can goto an Adult PRISON I think of them as adults. I find it disrespectful to consider them children because they aren't 18. They are young adults. They are still learning no doubt but to slap them in the face and say I OWN you piss off....

I read this post all day and have held back all day. Amazing some of the advice given.



Patchofheaven you said for the most part you have a GOOD kid you want to keep it that way right? I was the type of kid that when you grounded me my attitude was and IS forget you, what are you gona do to me now. (You should see me with Cops, Not a pretty sight.) {I have never been convicted of a crime!!!} It got to the point where I was not allowed to even read in my room (Already grounded from friends, TV, Nintendo, Magazines, everything). My Grandma came in and said "You learn your lesson yet!" I looked her right in the eye and said "What!! I've sat here for months, what next you will make me not stare at the walls!" She about gave up after that and left me alone. Theres nothing another person can do to impose their will on me, I will fight it till I die. I usually do the exact opposite of what they want even if I have to sacrifice myself to do so. If you ask me that's fine I will think about it, you demand it....

YOU DONT WANT A KID LIKE THAT!


There are two types of respect. One you earn and one you take with fear, overt actions or retribution. Which one do you want!


What you do next will affect him and her the rest of their lives. It sounds like her parents are total nutjobs. If you FORCE him to he will find a way to be with her if that's what he wants. Let me tell you teenagers as most people love to have sex.... Think about it. If the only place they can meet is school.... If he gets caught at school having sex he gets a rap sheet or worse. If she turns 18 she could be charged with rape. She already is loosing out on being a Cheerleader for her Senior year (right?) and being grounded for who knows how long. (She probably didn't have many privileges to start with. That's pretty harsh IMO.) Also the harder you push to break them up the harder they will in turn fight to be together. Like you said you DON'T want to be a Grandma yet... Right?!?


If you aren't careful you will mess him up in the head. I still have problems from the way I was treated as a teen and child. I am not your normal person to start with but still. Trying to control someone and own them because they are YOUR CHILD and you own them and the house they are in is wrong!

I am not saying he should have no rules. You need to meet him middle of the road. Trust goes both ways. If he trusted you to start with about this situation he would have told you up front. He obviously didn't, think WHY to yourself. Maybe he was protecting her. Maybe he knew how you would react. If he were 18 I bet you would be acting the same, his age isn't the question here. At 15 you make decisions that affect the rest of your life. Your goal at this time is to try to DIRECT him to make the right ones. You can't force him. His sneaking out after you MAKING him promise is proof of that. There is ALWAYS more to a story than you know or thought of.



Treat him with respect regardless of your decision. Do you want them to RUN AWAY together? You aren't leaving them with much choice..... Also are you SURE her home isn't abusive?

Sorry if I came off to strong. I have lived in his shoes, NO I don't have teenagers. Owning teenagers doesn't make you parent of the year people.....!

I hope you can view this post and gain information from it. I just get riled up when I see something so obviously lopsided as most of the posts on here, when the posters haven't been in his shoes. Being a parent doesn't mean your situation is the same as Patchofheavens kids. He doesn't seem to be weak in the mind, I can't say that for most people growing up right now.

Bubba

 

[AccidentalFarm]

Quote:
I'm not a teenager anymore, luckily I survived the ordeal. I do have a just turned 15 y.o. son and a 9 1/2 y.o. daughter. So far, my kids have been relatively great kids.

I agree with Bubba's statements above, though. I remember being a teenager and how fervently I wished my mother would just give me the chance to make my own decisions. She would have been surprised to see that I would choose wisely. However, since she rarely gave me the chance to choose for myself, my attitude was to go ahead and do the worst while I had a chance to get away with it. Why not? I was already being treated as if I would do the worst. Might as well get some fun out of it. Maybe I'd get caught, maybe not. In the end it wouldn't matter...she always assumed I was up to my eyeballs in mischief.

The few times she treated me like she trusted me to make good choices, I did. And I was proud of myself for doing so. I don't know if my friends thought the same way, but I know I enjoyed being able to make adult decisions and handle responsibility. I wasn't a bad kid and I really wasn't interested in the drug/sex/general bad-kid-things. It became easy though, to just go with the 'if I gotta do the time, might as well do the crime' mentality. And lemme tell ya- I did the crimes- just on principal, not because I was dead set on doing them.

My point here is that given the chance, your son may show you that he is able to make very good, rational decisions. Make sure he knows you trust him to look at his situation from your point of view, as well as his own. If he feels it is safe for him to trust you with his problems, there wouldn't be any sneaking out. Instead there may be him waking you up in the middle of the night saying, "g/f called and is having a tough time at home tonight..is it alright if she comes over awhile (or they go sit on the back porch awhile, etc.)."

Instead of making a big deal over him sneaking out a few times, make a big deal out of not being able to trust him, and him not trusting you. I don't mean reacting angrily, let him know that the lack of trust saddens you and you'd like to re-gain it. Both ways.

His g/f's problems are hers, not yours. (And I suspect that it all boils down to her just wanting attention. Do not put it past a 17 y.o. girl to make stuff up simply for attention.) It doesn't matter what is going on next door-as long as your son knows you're not going to lose it if he is honest with you, then he'll keep you informed. Discussing in an adult manner with him, the same way you would with another adult friend, will also help him to see this situation from a neutral or un-biased point of view.

I believe the condoms were a good call. My mother did not discuss sex with me when I was younger, nor did she provide condoms or birth control pills. She did tell me once when I was 13 or 14 that she'd never know if I was having sex or not, she just hoped I'd be smart if/when I did. She was working on the assumption that I was. That one statement kind of took all the wind out of my sails. Having sex didn't have the same allure after that. I wasn't pulling the wool over her eyes, obviously.

Bottom line- I agree with Bubba on the other thing, too. It is disrespectful to consider them children when they are so close to being adults. Who decided that 18 was the magic child/adult line anyway? Some of the people that say strict is the only way..force them to be good...this is my house and you'll do as I say...etc. I think are too far removed from being a kid in today's society. Maybe kids have too much freedom, or expect too much from when 40-50 somethings were kids but it's a different world. Look at the world these kids are raised in and all they have to cope with. (And on a side note- all of the food we eat now is so infused with hormones that our kids are maturing physically at an earlier age than a generation ago...)

You know your kid better than anyone else. Respect him, trust him & he'll return the favor.

Just my .02 that ended up being a buck fifty.

 

[aran]

ok just my two cents worth. I was a rebellious teenage boy. I sneaked out and went to see my girlfriend. I was a father at 17 years of age. I was expelled from 4 high schools and went to juvenile prison on two separate occasions for petty things. Bottom line to all this is i turned out ok anyway.

Im a physician.
I have 3 university degrees.
I have two beautiful well adjusted healthy children.
I have remained with the girl I sneaked out to see for the last 20 years of my life and have loved every second of it. Unfortunately now it seems that relationship may be coming to an end but that is another story.
My wife who is the 17 year old girl i sneaked out to see is also a physician.

So the moral here is that even though your teenage son is doing stupid teenage stuff you have to believe that he is a good kid deep down and that he WILL turn out to be a great human as he grows up. My daughter is almost 17 now and believe me i understand that it is not always easy to keep the faith that they are going to be ok but if someone with my background can make it then your son is going to be just fine. I can tell you this though...the more you push him the more he will push back. This is 100% the case i can guarantee it.

 

[lurky]

Nice post Aran. I feel that way too. Some stuff is part of growing up and i think a part of being a good parent is to remember being the age you are seeing your kids at.
Many young adult leave home between 16 and 18 because they resent being treated as a child. It takes all the fun out of it if you let them use the door

 

[2mnypets]

If I was in this situation, I would be calling the parents of the girl because for one you said you would. If as parents we don't keep our word, it's worthless to them. Second of all, parents have a right to know what their child is doing. I can remember what it was like to be a teen. You couldn't pay me enough to go back and be one again. Young minds who know way more at their age than the previous generation. Parents push, kids rebel. However, it's not our place to judge whether her parents are too strict or not. They are the way they are and that's it. Children do need guidance and limits to an extent. It really does make them feel secure and loved.

I tell mine all the time that "God didn't put me on this earth to be your friend all of the time". They'll have plenty of time to not "hate" me when they reach adulthood. In the mean time, I have a responsibility to them, to God, to society and to myself. That being said though, I also "choose my battles". I try extremely hard not to dwell on the petty stuff, and try to concentrate my efforts on the big stuff. Not that I always succeed. Everyone can give advice, but the final decision and bottom line will be yours. You're his parents. Only you will know what is right for your son. I wish you only the best.

 

[Patchofheaven]

Good morning Everyone,

I want to thank you all for such intelligent and well thought out posts. I appreciate every single one of them so much, you have shown me both sides of the coin, which is exactly what I needed to hear/read... Last night, I did not call her parents - they weren't home before 7:30 and I don't have their cell#'s. I still do not know exactly (yet) what they were told by their daughter, if anything at all. As I said before, I don't trust her or my son right now - they are willing to say anything at this moment to keep each other out of trouble. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night, I guess I was a little mentally exhausted.

Today is a new day and I had plenty of sleep...I plan on calling her Stepmom, when she would normally get home on Fridays (she is a nurse and only works 1/2 a day on Fridays.) This will be a strange conversation anyway, we have not spoken to each other since the end of May.

Again, thank you all for your support and encouragement, I'll keep you posted.

Dana

 

[countrygirl4513]

2mnypets wrote

I tell mine all the time that "God didn't put me on this earth to be your friend all of the time". They'll have plenty of time to not "hate" me when they reach adulthood. In the mean time, I have a responsibility to them, to God, to society and to myself. That being said though, I also "choose my battles". I try extremely hard not to dwell on the petty stuff, and try to concentrate my efforts on the big stuff. Not that I always succeed. Everyone can give advice, but the final decision and bottom line will be yours. You're his parents. Only you will know what is right for your son. I wish you only the best.

Well said 2mnypets, well said!

Patchofheaven My prayers and thoughts are with you.​

 

[mom'sfolly]

Patchofheaven,

It's amazing what a little perspective will do. I think its wise to talk to the stepmom, in fact, my recomendation is to talk, talk, talk...to your son, his girlfriend, her parents, your friends, us, etc. Talking to all involved, and anyone who may offer insight will help. If not, Vent here! I think defusing the situation is imperative; people make stupid choices if they feel they are cornered. Kids don't react the same way adults do, but these kids are old enough to think things out if they are given a chance. If you or they make choices as an emotional reaction, you will probably regret your decisions later.

Maybe its time for the consequences for both children to be positive rather than negative. Instead of removing privledges, maybe adding responsiblity will work. Both of them volunteering at a homeless shelter, foodbank or literacy program will give them responsibility, supervised time together, and maybe hint of perspecitve. They might learn that thwarted teenage love is not the worst thing that can happen to a person.

Again, I say good luck!

Karen