The Front Porch Swing

[Triple Willow]

You have no idea what you've missed.  I'm so sorry.   

I only have so many brain cells... lol

 

[Blooie]

I only have so many brain cells... lol

The way the books I mentioned were written, I don't think the writer, the proofreader, the manuscript screeners, the editor nor even the publisher even THINK we have brain cells!

 

[Triple Willow]

The way the books I mentioned were written, I don't think the writer, the proofreader, the manuscript screeners, the editor nor even the publisher even THINK we have brain cells! 

hahaha

 

[lindz8504]

Well, Hubby and I raked the driveway smooth again, raked another section of the yard, sowed grass, covered, and watered it this evening. I'm hoping it doesn't come a hard rain before it comes up...

I think that the gravel is supposed to be delivered tomorrow! Well, at least one load.... I'm not sure how much my mom is buying. We may have to come up with the money to finish it.

 

[heartsizedfarm]

Isn't it odd how we come to do the things we do? I started writing this novel not as a way to focus on something else when I was under stress, but because I threw a temper tantrum.
So I guess I've confessed that I'm a big fan of medieval romance novels...especially the ones that involve a strong woman and a handsome hunk in a kilt. I usually skip the, um, descriptive parts - I've been married for 46 years so I pretty much know how that goes without 4 pages of descriptions. (It’s a lot harder writing those scenes…I keep picturing Ma over my shoulder chewing me out and Dad grounding me until I’m ready for a nursing home!) I especially love stories with good, strong plots, solid secondary characters in addition to the main players, and enough accurate history thrown in to give the story some real interest. That’s what I’m trying to achieve. But by golly, the author of any book I read had better have done her research or I'm gonna let her know - quickly - that I wasn't impressed. That’s what started my email exchanges with Monica McCarty.
Examples:
The hero in one book had lost an arm all the way up to the shoulder during the Battle of Bannockburn: The heroine has finally wormed her way into his heart and after an explosive argument he "pulled her into his arms". Then he holds her tightly while he strokes her hair. Wait, huh? Wait - so she got mad at him and he suddenly grew a new arm? Is he a Scottish hero or a glass lizard? Two pages of interlude later he's back to having one arm. “It’s a miracle, Miranda!!”

It was one novel in particular which made me throw the book across the room and vow to do one myself and do a better job of it.

It's the year 1102 in the wilderness areas of Scotland. (Well, technically it's 1102 in all of Scotland, but for my complaint we'll focus on the wild, mostly unsettled part of the country) Our sneaky little heroine, who lives high in an isolated keep out in the wildest part of the land, is seeing a stable boy on the side, and her father will come unglued when he finds out because he has plans for a good match with a neighboring, evil, greedy landowner. She gives a note to her lady's maid with orders to give it to the stable boy. "Can you go swiftly, Gab?" The maid takes the note, looks at her mistress earnestly and promises, "I shall move as swiftly as a hummingbird's wings, m'lady." Okay, hold the antique phone here - first of all, this entire region is so still backward that it's doubtful the stable boy can read, and young women who could write were as scarce as hen's teeth. Secondly, hummingbirds are only found on this hemisphere.....they exist in North America, Mexico, Central and South America.....nowhere else. There has never been a hummingbird in Europe or anyplace else across the ocean. So how does a lady's maid in backwoods Scotland in 1102 even know what a hummingbird is? Couldn't have “read” about them in some explorer's reports because A) she probably couldn't read either and even if she could it's B) doubtful that they got the morning paper containing said reports with their morning oatmeal, and C) explorers hadn't BEEN here yet to make any reports!

Same book - same 1102 time frame......She looks at the man her father promised her to (who turned out to be handsome, witty, strong and gentle despite being evil and greedy) after their hands accidentally touch and says, "There must be more then, M'Laird. Did you not feel the electricity pass between us when we touched?" Oh, good grief!!! That's the point where I threw the book. Electricity? Seriously?

I concede that these books are a total waste of time. But the way I look at it it's my time and if I decided to fritter away a few hours of it lost in fantasy land it won't make much difference in the overall history of mankind. But it just kills me some of the stuff they expect us to buy into.....the women always have soft glowing hair - never greasy from being afraid to bathe because bathing and washing too often was believed to be harmful. They always smell like lavender, or verbena, or roses.... and the men always smell like leather and spices, never like 6 months of sweat and grime. Nobody ever has blue, green, brown or hazel eyes - they always have midnight, or violet, or ice, or cornflower blue; emerald or sea-green eyes (usually with unusual flecks of some other rare color thrown in), golden or black or walnut brown; and hazel eyes are the catchall color because the author can toss in any combination at all. These characters always have weird eyes anyway, since they change shape and color with a mood. My eyes are the same color no matter what mood I'm in and the only change in the shape of them isn't the eye itself, it's in the arrangement of the wrinkles around them that indicate laughter, fury, or whatever other emotion I'm experiencing.

I've never read one of these "naughty novels" (Ken’s term for my literary choices) yet where she doesn't have silky smooth skin all over. Now wait a cotton pickin' minute. Why does she always have such smooth, soft legs? Did she have a Bic disposable razor under her plaid? The writers never say things like, "The sun glinted off the golden hairs on her legs like sunlight on a sandy beach" or "He lay next to her, absently twirling the hair in her armpits." I don't get it. But then I wear flannel lined jeans and raise grandkids and chickens, so I suppose I'm not supposed to have the intelligence to notice these things.

Kill me now! I have never read such a rip-snorting funny satirical blast on romance novel conventions. Hummingbirds and electricity! And a new arm! Ha! Do they not employ editors? Do they not have any common sense? Thanks for the really good late night chuckle fest.

 

[heartsizedfarm]

Wait. Your eyes don't change colour like a mood ring? Really?

 

[perchie.girl]

Quote: Bwaahahahahaha.... twirling hair..... humming bird .... electricity.... Unarmed... um er Armed.... what ever.....

Hey those stores are formula stories and if you know the formula you can crank em out like a Keebler Elf.... and I am sure they are gone through in the same fashion.... Like modern versions of say.... Camelot or some such.... I look at the hair styles... and Wrist Watches OH MY GAWD... I admire your genra because you have the opportunity to really weave in historical settings and times.... the hard part is making the characters identifiable.... (making your audience want to step into thier shoes) without loosing all that rich environment

Have you seen Robin Hood with Russel Crow? Never mind that whole pitter patter with him ... I have a major crush... But the movie was done very well... Down to the point where women couldnt own lands.... Swords were very heavy not something swung lightly and Staff and Pike were used against horses as well as men. There are some points that I picked out with the heroin... Like being able to string a long bow. But they were few and far between enough for me to set aside moments of disbelief.

deb

 

[rrrmamma]

Thank you.... shes still pretty much doin for herself I just cook meals do the shopping and do the carpooling stuff... She stopped driving after she broke her hip. So she was driving till she was 95 and a very good driver too.

Grandma was a Rosie the Riveter.... Born in Colorado and lived in a Dugout till she was about ten or twelve.... Her dad farmed pinto beans with a team of mules. She was the Youngest of 9..... when she was born her oldest brother was already off to War during World War one. Her mom My great grandmother was THE midwive for a great portion of colorado.

deb

Deb, have you ever been to the Rosie the Riveter memorial in Richmond,Ca. My cousin, Cheryl Barton, was the landscape architect for that project.My Mom and I attended the dedication. My husband and I went back last year when we were in Martinez for my brothers memorial service. It has really grown and the museum is great. Where was your Grandma born in Colorado? My ex's family was from Trinidad and the San Luiz valley

 

[LindaB220]

Dang, you are definitely in a spot. I would probably get in trouble.

This woman I know was taking care of a couple smart mouthed teenage boys and I can't remember what but they did something outrageous. She told them that she was going to whip them and they said they would call the police if she did. She told them that she didn't care and she beat the t-total crap out of them. When she got done they call the police, the police came and asked her if she had whipped them and she said, "Yes I did!!!" and told the police why she did it and she would do it again. The police turned around and left. LOL That would be something my mom would do. hahaha

That would never, never, never happen in my area. She would have been arrested. Kids get away with a lot today but try to discipline them and you're busted. It happened several times when I worked at the DA's office. Ended up costing the parents a lot of humiliation and money and no lesson learned by teen.

 

[perchie.girl]

Quote: I am expecting more than one 110 degree day up at my house.... Possibly at least a weeks worth along with several days of 105.

I have budget in for a second water tank for Katee which will be installed in the shade and plumbed for draining. I want to retire her old one and move it and give it a good scrubbing and have it in reserve.... This way I can plumb it too Possibly using it in the big coop as a reservior to eventually fill the chickens water.

I neeed to get the whole water works back to functioning the way its supposed to. So the new tub will be the start

deb