Blooie I'm without words, so sad.
I was too, and when I think about her life I sometimes start to really get down on myself. Ken was gone so much and I had to fill both roles for months by myself. Then he’d swoop back into their lives and take over as Dad. It had to be confusing for the kids, but she was especially fragile. I just didn’t know that at the time. And I wonder if I tried hard enough, if there was just that one more professional out there who could have made a real difference. I remember, when she was just a brand new infant, my family commenting that they’d never seen a baby who hated to be held or touched. Even her feedings were done with her bottle propped or she’d scream and choke on her formula. Teething, colds, and tummy aches were a nightmare - I couldn’t hold and comfort her. Then at around 18 months she did a complete turnaround - always giggling, affectionate, and sweet but still so independent. So maybe she didn’t bond with me when she was little. Was I firm enough? Too firm? She had no coping skills, but as the Mom I should have.
She was a normal, active, healthy and exceptionally musically gifted kid from that 18 month age until she was approaching her teens. “Oh, it’s normal adolescent adjustment disorder,” the experts would say. “Give her some time, but try this....or that.....” I didn’t know any better. They were the doctors so I relied on them for help. Maybe to this day it’s why I don’t do that with Katie and Kendra. I did it the pros’ way once and Terrin is still paying dearly for that - she always will. So now I’ll try something that is out of the girls’ therapists’ wheelhouse and never take their word as the end all, be all. I won’t excuse bad behavior, not even with Kendra. With Terri I let her get away with far more than I should have to avoid the horrible outbursts and total family disruptions.
Anyway, too much information, I know. She’s been out of my life off and on and I was hoping for a brief time of “on” when she asked me to listen to the song. Terri will never come out and say “I need you, Mom” and she shouldn’t have to. But her music says what she can’t. It was always that way.
I did my crying yesterday, Bruce. Now I have to go back to being hard-hearted. It’s the only self-protection skill I have left. How I wish her issue had been drugs or alcohol. There’s always hope for treatment there and a chance for a new life, if the person chooses to do the work. I think it’s obvious from her song that she’d take that chance and run with it, because she doesn’t want to be this way. Life gave her no other choice.
Okay. That’s enough. Talking about it won’t change it. I’ve got packing to do got our trip to South Dakota. Funny. I’ll be 20 miles away from her for 2 weeks. I asked Ken last night if he thought it would be a good idea to invite Terrin to lunch, just her and me - maybe find out what it was that I said this time that ended a visit before it even started. I couldn’t remember the last time he’s ever outright forbidden me to do something. But he did it last night. He said she chose her path and has to walk it. And that’s the most frustrating thing of all - I can’t get people to see that she didn’t CHOOSE this anymore than someone would choose to get cancer. She sees that at times. I see it all the time.
if she could come back and visit from time to time.
for her knowing the history that went into the song. 
I'm way too old for a niece that young but thank you, I think I love you.
