ya, what about the roman stricness she had in the house? XD
The Village of Critics - Have Your RP Thread Critiqued Today! ~
- Thread starter Zinnia-Hen
- Start date
( PLEASE NOTE: I'm lacking creativity title wise, so please bare with me. The title may change at any time. )
The Story:
The year is 1985. In New York City, several foster homes are shut down with little notice. Strangely, not all of the children were transferred to another orphanage, and instead left many of the older ones without refuge. So far, one of the owners was arrested such a crime, the rest could not be found and the police are still in search of the children.
In order to survive, those who were left in the streets have banded together. They shoplift, pick pocket on subways and sidewalks, and preform fairly petty crimes on a regular basis. This, and they must keep themselves hidden from the police in order to stay out of jail or another foster home.
Although they roam the streets as nomads, they do have a small base in the heart of the city, hidden within an alleyway. The door of an abandoned building down the alley holds many of their stolen goods, as well as a few mattresses.
I like the story, it makes sense, something that could actually happen. I also like how you changed the year, although 1985 isn't THAT long ago in the big picture, fashion, the latest greatest technology and stuff will be different, requiring a tad bit of research on the players part if they really want to fit in with this story. Its different then the other roleplays, what I like the most is that its REALISTIC. Fantasy roleplays are fun, but tend to get outta hand fast if not managed properly. Sometimes its nice to kick back and roleplay something familiar that you can relate to as most of us are teenagers like our characters. If I had to add anything, it would be the formation of gangs cliques of kids of similar ages and interests. Obviously not everyone will want to live around Anthony, but that will form over time. Already Blake and Eli have a little group of their own. I like it!
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Rules:
*All BYC rules apply.
*Please be realistic.
*If you're arrested, you're arrested. You probably won't be able to injure authorities without being shot.
*Don't control characters other than your own.
*Only one blow per post when fighting.
*No instant killing.
*Keep things PG-13 at the most.
*Please use proper grammar. It is extremely difficult to understand you if you don't use any punctuation, and spell/use many of your words incorrectly.
*No Mary-Sues or Gary-Stus. No character is flawless.
*Your children can't have assault rifles, handguns, machetes, katanas, or any ridiculous weapon. Pocket knives, rocks, fists, or anything that is easy to get one's hands on is fine, however.
A good set of rules, not too wordy and easy to understand. If I were you I might even even italicized the realistic part, that IMO is pretty major along with the proper grammar one. One thing that drives me crazy is people who can't be bothered to use decent grammar and spelling. Text talk is for cell phones, not roleplays! Even if you are on your phone while surfing BYC... It bugs me lol. The cop rule is good too, a street kid ain't gunna do so well against a trained, armed police officer! Another thing I really like is the list of acceptable weapons, its clear and specific. You could add one about being an active player, but hardly anyone pays attention to that one anyways. (I hate it when people join a roleplay and then leave.)
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Joining Forms:
Name:
Gender:
Age:
Appearance:
Personality:
History:
Other:
Username:
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The Members:
Ringleader:
Name: Anthony MacDonald
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Appearance: Tall and a bit lanky, with shaggy black hair, light skin, and dark eyes. He wears jeans with tattered ends, and a tight t-shirt under a bomber jacket. For shoes, he wears stolen Doc Martens.
Personality: Quiet, although if you bother him he can come off as rough. Due to his silent nature, he often steals for his gang. He will fight people away, even if all he has are his fists.
History: At the age of four, his parents fell victim to Turkish Airlines Flight 981 while on vacation. He would have went to live with his aunt, but she already had enough children to care for.
Other: N/A
Username: Zinnia-Hen
Some people might disagree with me here, but IMO he is too young to be a ringleader. On the streets, its survival of the fittest. It would be too easy for a larger, 17 or 18 year old guy beat him up and steal the gang. A ringleader also needs to be authoritive, not quiet. He seems like a character who would be a good ringleader in a few years, but not right now.
Members:
Name: Ninat
Gender: F
Age: 13
Appearance: Jet black hair with sharp jade green eyes
Personality: Very cunning and sneaky
History: unknown
Other: N/A
Username: SCM
Needs more information, put some thought into your forms to create an interesting character!
Name: Shelly
Gender: F
Age: 17
Appearance: Short, spiky dark brown hair
Personality: A bit of a loner, but tries to be helpful
History: She had parents until she was 16, but still being a minor she was forced into a home against her will, instead of going to live with friends.
Other: Sometimes drives stolen cars to get around.
Username: Fierlin
Name: James Eagle
Gender: M
Age: 14
Appearance: Tall, dark brown hair, grey eyes.
Personality: Kind, quiet, can seem to be sneaky, cruel when needed.
History: His parents were killed in a car accident, and he had no other known family besides his twin sister.
Other: He is half Native American.
Username: LittleLady98
These characters, James and Jadyn are exactly the same. No two people are exactly the same, not even identical twins.
Name: Jadyn Eagle
Gender: F
Age: 14
Appearance: Tall, dark brown hair, grey eyes.
Personality: Kind, quiet, can seem to be sneaky, cruel when needed.
History: Her parents were killed in a car accident, and she had no other known family besides her twin brother.
Other: She is half Native American.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Johnathan
Gender: M
Age: 16
Appearance: Shaggy, bright red hair that's normally covered by a backwards faced baseball cap. He's a total punk rocked, but more on the casual side with his style; tight fitting jeans that are ripped up at the knees, cuffed at the bottom, and adorned with lots of safety pins doing a terrible job at keeping the holes in-tact. His leather jacket, when inspected closely, has several mended areas. The color on the elbows are faded, giving it a ragged look.
Personality: Funny, basically a good guy; but sneaky as a fox. One moment he'd be having a casual conversation with you, the next moment he'd pick your pocket. He trust's very few people.
History: Parents left him at the orphanage when his was pretty young, leaving him to grow up without even knowing them.
Other: Chews gum a lot.
Username: chickendiva25
Name: Dewey Botta
Gender: Male
Age: 13
Appearance: Dewey has dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. He is not tall at all, topping no more than 4'9.
Personality: He is sly and sneaky, and is also very quick. He is agile and fast, giving him an advantage.
History: His father died in a car accident back in 1980, and his mother committed suicide a year later. His only sibling, Reese, was adopted in 1983 and now lives in Canada.
Other: He used to have a good life, with his brother, Reese, being on a famous TV show. They were minor, hometown celeberties, with almost a million dollars.
Username: 44Wolves
Name: Gabby
Gender: F
Age: 15
Appearance: Blue eyes, caramel brown hair. O
Personality: Sly, sneaky, cunning.
History: Her parents died in a car accident when she was 8.
Other: n/a
Username: OwlLover
Needs more information, every character has a history
Name: Jaxon
Gender: M
Age: 16
Appearance: About 6' tall, short blonde hair, sky blue eyes, muscular, handsome.
Personality: Doesn't talk much. He can be very sneaky, but he is kind.
History: He doesn't like to talk about it.
Other: He always wears ripped jeans, a loose t-shirt, and a necklace with a pendant shaped an arrowhead.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Sasha
Gender: F
Age: 15
Appearance: Very tall, beautiful, reddish brown hair, greyish-greenish eyes.
Personality: Quiet, mysterious.
History: No one knows.
Other: N/A
Username: LittleLady98
Needs more information, again, every character has a history
Name: Victoria Ellendou
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Short, white-blonde hair. Icy blue eyes.
Personality: Manipulative. She is great at lying and stealing.
History: She doesn't remember life before the foster home.
Other: She argues with Anthony (ringleader) often, and has threatened him.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Foalan McArthur
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: Messy red-brown hair, green eyes, pale freckles.
Personality: Calm usually, but frightening when angry.
History: He and Roselle were abducted when they were 12, but they were saved be the police, and they were at an orphanage ever since.
Other: He has been Roselle's boyfriend since he was 11.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Josh Hinder
Gender: Male
Age: 14
Appearance: Short black hair. Very dark and large freckles. Dark brown hazel eyes.
Personality: When he's not sulking, he's angry. Very unstable.
History: His mother died of cancer 1 year before his father and sister were murdered in front of him.
Other: Has had a tough life.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Roselle Fannix
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Appearance: Elbow length strawberry blonde hair that forms natural ringlets. Her fringe almost reaches her eyes. Her eyes are hazel, and she has lots of freckles. Amazing cheekbones.
Personality: On the outside, she's brave, caring and strong. On the inside, she's barely hanging on. She feels that only Foalan can ever truly understand her.
History: She and Foalan were abducted when they were 12, but they were saved be the police, and they were at an orphanage ever since.
Other: Foalan's girlfriend of 6 years.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Ellie Virtue
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Very pale skin, naturally red lips and straight black hair that is long enough for her to sit on. Her eyes range from almost black to golden brown depending on the light. She is fairly tall at 5'8".
Personality: A good leader and friends with almost everyone. She does sometimes get into arguments or trouble, but she knows when she has lost. One of the strongest; both mentally and physically.
History: She ran away from home 2 years ago. Although she doesn't regret it, she does get lonely sometimes.
Other: She always carries around her stolen kitchen knife. Someday, she hopes she'll acquire a switchblade.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Elijah (Eli) Carstairs
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: He is quite pale and has odd bright silver coloured hair, like an untarnished shilling. His eyes are the same silver as his hair and he has a fine-boned angular face, with a slight curve of his eyes. He looks youthful, partially because of his slightness. He is also tall, very slender and rather handsome too.
Personality: Kind and quiet, despite his bad passed. He seems gentle, and seems to be a very unlikely gang member. From his physical appearance and personality, it would almost make more sense to see him in a quiet, well-to-do neighbourhood. However, is a good fighter when pressed and is extremely intelligent. He doesn't like to have people worry about him and is very secretive about his past.
History: He was raised in Detroit with his parents and his younger sister Janelle. His father was a policeman and his mother, a nurse at a local hospital. One night, one of the criminals whom his father had put into prison escaped and murdered his mother, father and sister, but not before torturing him to nearly insanity. Surprisingly, the killer left him alive and he was shipped off to a foster him in New York where he met Blake Penhallow. The two formed an unlikely bond and later escaped together.
Other: None
Username: HollyBird24
Name: Blake Penhallow
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: Deep blue eyes and black hair thats always falling into his eyes. He has elegant features - high cheekbones; long, thick lashes; full lips and an elegant throat. He is muscular and well built with broad shoulders. He is mentioned to be about 6 feet tall and has callused hands from years of being on the streets.
Personality: He comes across as rude and arrogant, always utilising his quick wit and sarcasm. He is aware of his good looks and uses it to get his way. He is free-spirited and carefree and would risk his life for the people he loves. He is also self-sacrificing and reads extensively. He has a perfect memory and can find a quote for almost any situation.
History: He was born in a small town in Indiana and has three brothers and a sister. His parents expected him to take over the farm as he was the eldest child but he refused. He ran away from home when he was 12 and hitched a ride to New York city. He was arrested for an attempted robbery and thrown into foster care. Bitter with resentment for life in general and being locked in the foster home, he was ready to commit suicide when Eli arrived. He took the distraught teen under his wing and protected him against the harsh realities of living on the streets. When the foster homes were finally shut down he was glad to leave, but remained very close friends with Eli.
Other: None
Username: HollyBird24
I love my characters lol
Name: Gabriel
Gender: male
Age: 18
Appearance: Curly red-brown hair and solemn grey eyes, Gabriel stands at 6.2. He is lean with olive tinted skin and sharp features. His usual clothes are a T-shirt, a jacket and worn blue jeans. Never is he seen in dirty or hole filled clothes, taking great care of his appearance.
Personality: Gabe has a gentle face, and for the most part, his attitude matches. He isn't very outspoken, although he is rather bull-headed when it comes to arguing. Since his arrival, he has never been very trusting of others and has had a rather hard time making friends. He is a planner, not a quick pick pocket; better at larger scale runs and snatches.
History: His mother was killed in an accident when he was 11 and he was sent to live with his father. (His parents had divorced years prior) They did not get along, to say the least and his father did not want the responsibility of a child. After a tough few years in an orphanage, most of his time spent planning a way out, it closed without warning.
Username: Gerbil
Name: Alicia
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Alicia has short,blonde, layered hair; long bangs and cheery hazel eyes. She is rather short for her age with pale skin and a ready smile. She loves colors, wearing bright shades of greens, reds, etc. Little silver earrings adorn her ears and she usually has some sort of Barrette in her hair.
Personality: She is a social butterfly, charming, polite and lovable. Although she does have a bit of a temper, she never holds grudges for long.
History: She bounced between orphanages and foster homes from the age of 4, never finding a permanent place and losing her friends as she moved. Eventually she met Gabe, who told her about his life both current and past. She ran away and joined the group shortly after.
Username: Gerbil
Name: Elena Sheridan
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Short, with light blue eyes and long, poofy brunette hair and bangs. She has pale, lightly freckled skin.
Personality: A bit loud-mouthed, and not always very friendly.
History: She was born in one of the most crime ridden areas of New York City, and her parents were criminals. After they were arrested when she was one or so, she was taken into custody. Elena does not remember her parents.
Other: She seems to have taken a liking to Blake.
Username: Zinnia-Hen
LOL
Name: Eric Black
Gender: M
Age: 7
Appearance: He has bright red hair, his eyes are blue-green. He's not very tall, but his small size allows him to sneak around unnoticed.
Personality: Quiet, doesn't talk much. He doesn't trust easily, but if he trusts someone he would do anything for them.
History: He has been in an orphanage since he was 3, he doesn't know anything about his family.
Other: Is a excellent pick pocket.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Annie
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Appearance: Freckles over the bridge of her nose, doe brown eyes. Long wavy hair.
Personality: Normally loyal, but can be quite rebellious. Caring.
History: Was abandoned at one of the orphanages that most of the orphans came from.
Other: N/A
Username: DuckLover2399
Name: Eclipse
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearence: Black hair with three frecklaces on each side of her face, she has one blue eye and one brown eye. She is very short. She always carries a small pouch with a few pieces of candy, money, rag, note book with pencil, pocket knife, and a small pocket photo album.
Personality: She's very stealthy and smart. She's clever and feirce. She's not afraid of anything and she's strong. She believes that adults are nothing. She thinks fighting is cool and she is very quiet at times.
History: Her parents abused her horribly and killed her 3 older sisters and 2 younger brothers.
Other: Nothing
User: IMMASHEIK
This character is one I could consider a "Mary Sue" character. Her parents abused her and killed 5 of her siblings, yet she's smart/clever, strong and not afraid of anything? A kid from that background would be very emotionally scarred.
Name: Lilly
Gender: Female
Age: 7
Appearence: She looks just like Eclipse
Personality: Very confused at times she loves to play around and have fun she often follows Eclipse's style and she is a very good listener. She gets impatient at times and she is very sneaky.
History: Her parents abused her as well and made her watch her twin brother die and get tortured to death.
Other: Nothing
User: IMMASHEIK
Name: Aisha Simons
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Long dark red hair that she always braids. Brown eyes. She's short, around 5'4".
Personality: Easily frightened, but determined.
History: Grew up with her father, who was a butcher. He died of heart failure.
Other: She is new to living on the streets, and is good with a knife.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Elizabeth "Bambi" Mikelson
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Appearance: Bambi recieves her nickname from her large, doe-like eyes, and rather leggy, slender body. Her straight, lower back length hair is of blonde, complete with bangs.
Personality: Sassy, with the typical fast-paced attitude of a New Yorker. Unlike the others, she has decided to get a job after her jail experience. Most ignore her when she tells them not to commit crimes like she has done in the past, causing her to lose her temper easily. Bambi always hopes to raise enough money so she and Elena can live in an apartment, and finish their education, although she and her friend would miss those they've met in the orphanage.
History: When she was six years old, her hippie parents were arrested for possessing a good amount of weed. Bambi went foster home to foster home, and finally at the age of eleven she settled down in New York, where she met Elena.
Other: She usually won't respond to her real name, Elizabeth. That, and even though she says she doesn't commit crimes anymore, she carries a fake ID.
Username: Zinnia-Hen
Name: Danica (Danni) Aldertree
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Appearance: She's quite small for her age, both short and very slim. Her figure is graceful with gentle curves in all the right places and if you can look underneath the tough, street-kid look she is very attractive. Her hair is short and has been dyed so many times its hard to see what color it naturally is. Currently, its bright blue and purple with some orange around the ends.
Personality: Despite her size, she is tough and tom-boyish with a very stubborn, defiant personality. She hates taking orders from anyone, and will often do the exact opposite of what she is told, just to make a point. She is moody and easily irritated, snapping easily at the slightest provocation. Yet underneath this hard shell she is a very troubled, distraught young girl desperately wanting someone to want her again.
History: She was born in Florida but moved around a lot when she was young for her single mothers job. Her father died in a car accident with she was two and she had one older brother named Jeremy who took care of her when her mother was too busy. When she was six her mother re-married to a man named Cole, then ended up dying of a sudden onset of cancer a few months later. After her death, her step-father, Cole, was granted full custody of both her and her brother and his true character had begun to show. He abused both children constantly, especially six year old Danni. When she was nine, her and Jeremy ran away from home and ended up in Boston. For two years they lived on the streets, Danni making her money as a hooker and Jeremy as a drug dealer. One morning when she got home from a nights work, she found that Jeremy was gone. Missing without a trace. She fled to New York after some thugs began to rough her up a bit, blaming her for her brothers disappearance as they had lost a lot of money in the drugs he stole. She worked on and off as a hooker, eventually meeting Blake and Eli at the subway station. They offered her a place to stay and she accepted, knowing that she wouldn't last much longer on the streets alone.
Other: Her brother was never proven to be dead or alive, but a mysterious body showing up in a dumpster near where they were living. It was so badly mutilated that it was impossible to know who it was, but Danni believed it was Jeremy
Username: HollyBird24
Name: Angelina
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Straight brown hair, light hazel almond-shaped eyes. Not short, but not tall. Thin.
Personality: Very cautious, she has apparent trust problems.
History: N/A
Other: She doesn't look much like a homeless orphan, since she has relatively clean clothing and a sharp looking appearance.
Username: chickendiva25
Again, every character has a history. Sometimes I don't add all the information about my characters right away though either (this is also for the rest of you who left out part of your forms), I like to use them a bit and see what I want them to be.
The Story:
The year is 1985. In New York City, several foster homes are shut down with little notice. Strangely, not all of the children were transferred to another orphanage, and instead left many of the older ones without refuge. So far, one of the owners was arrested such a crime, the rest could not be found and the police are still in search of the children.
In order to survive, those who were left in the streets have banded together. They shoplift, pick pocket on subways and sidewalks, and preform fairly petty crimes on a regular basis. This, and they must keep themselves hidden from the police in order to stay out of jail or another foster home.
Although they roam the streets as nomads, they do have a small base in the heart of the city, hidden within an alleyway. The door of an abandoned building down the alley holds many of their stolen goods, as well as a few mattresses.
I like the story, it makes sense, something that could actually happen. I also like how you changed the year, although 1985 isn't THAT long ago in the big picture, fashion, the latest greatest technology and stuff will be different, requiring a tad bit of research on the players part if they really want to fit in with this story. Its different then the other roleplays, what I like the most is that its REALISTIC. Fantasy roleplays are fun, but tend to get outta hand fast if not managed properly. Sometimes its nice to kick back and roleplay something familiar that you can relate to as most of us are teenagers like our characters. If I had to add anything, it would be the formation of gangs cliques of kids of similar ages and interests. Obviously not everyone will want to live around Anthony, but that will form over time. Already Blake and Eli have a little group of their own. I like it!
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Rules:
*All BYC rules apply.
*Please be realistic.
*If you're arrested, you're arrested. You probably won't be able to injure authorities without being shot.
*Don't control characters other than your own.
*Only one blow per post when fighting.
*No instant killing.
*Keep things PG-13 at the most.
*Please use proper grammar. It is extremely difficult to understand you if you don't use any punctuation, and spell/use many of your words incorrectly.
*No Mary-Sues or Gary-Stus. No character is flawless.
*Your children can't have assault rifles, handguns, machetes, katanas, or any ridiculous weapon. Pocket knives, rocks, fists, or anything that is easy to get one's hands on is fine, however.
A good set of rules, not too wordy and easy to understand. If I were you I might even even italicized the realistic part, that IMO is pretty major along with the proper grammar one. One thing that drives me crazy is people who can't be bothered to use decent grammar and spelling. Text talk is for cell phones, not roleplays! Even if you are on your phone while surfing BYC... It bugs me lol. The cop rule is good too, a street kid ain't gunna do so well against a trained, armed police officer! Another thing I really like is the list of acceptable weapons, its clear and specific. You could add one about being an active player, but hardly anyone pays attention to that one anyways. (I hate it when people join a roleplay and then leave.)
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Joining Forms:
Name:
Gender:
Age:
Appearance:
Personality:
History:
Other:
Username:
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The Members:
Ringleader:
Name: Anthony MacDonald
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Appearance: Tall and a bit lanky, with shaggy black hair, light skin, and dark eyes. He wears jeans with tattered ends, and a tight t-shirt under a bomber jacket. For shoes, he wears stolen Doc Martens.
Personality: Quiet, although if you bother him he can come off as rough. Due to his silent nature, he often steals for his gang. He will fight people away, even if all he has are his fists.
History: At the age of four, his parents fell victim to Turkish Airlines Flight 981 while on vacation. He would have went to live with his aunt, but she already had enough children to care for.
Other: N/A
Username: Zinnia-Hen
Some people might disagree with me here, but IMO he is too young to be a ringleader. On the streets, its survival of the fittest. It would be too easy for a larger, 17 or 18 year old guy beat him up and steal the gang. A ringleader also needs to be authoritive, not quiet. He seems like a character who would be a good ringleader in a few years, but not right now.
Members:
Name: Ninat
Gender: F
Age: 13
Appearance: Jet black hair with sharp jade green eyes
Personality: Very cunning and sneaky
History: unknown
Other: N/A
Username: SCM
Needs more information, put some thought into your forms to create an interesting character!
Name: Shelly
Gender: F
Age: 17
Appearance: Short, spiky dark brown hair
Personality: A bit of a loner, but tries to be helpful
History: She had parents until she was 16, but still being a minor she was forced into a home against her will, instead of going to live with friends.
Other: Sometimes drives stolen cars to get around.
Username: Fierlin
Name: James Eagle
Gender: M
Age: 14
Appearance: Tall, dark brown hair, grey eyes.
Personality: Kind, quiet, can seem to be sneaky, cruel when needed.
History: His parents were killed in a car accident, and he had no other known family besides his twin sister.
Other: He is half Native American.
Username: LittleLady98
These characters, James and Jadyn are exactly the same. No two people are exactly the same, not even identical twins.
Name: Jadyn Eagle
Gender: F
Age: 14
Appearance: Tall, dark brown hair, grey eyes.
Personality: Kind, quiet, can seem to be sneaky, cruel when needed.
History: Her parents were killed in a car accident, and she had no other known family besides her twin brother.
Other: She is half Native American.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Johnathan
Gender: M
Age: 16
Appearance: Shaggy, bright red hair that's normally covered by a backwards faced baseball cap. He's a total punk rocked, but more on the casual side with his style; tight fitting jeans that are ripped up at the knees, cuffed at the bottom, and adorned with lots of safety pins doing a terrible job at keeping the holes in-tact. His leather jacket, when inspected closely, has several mended areas. The color on the elbows are faded, giving it a ragged look.
Personality: Funny, basically a good guy; but sneaky as a fox. One moment he'd be having a casual conversation with you, the next moment he'd pick your pocket. He trust's very few people.
History: Parents left him at the orphanage when his was pretty young, leaving him to grow up without even knowing them.
Other: Chews gum a lot.
Username: chickendiva25
Name: Dewey Botta
Gender: Male
Age: 13
Appearance: Dewey has dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. He is not tall at all, topping no more than 4'9.
Personality: He is sly and sneaky, and is also very quick. He is agile and fast, giving him an advantage.
History: His father died in a car accident back in 1980, and his mother committed suicide a year later. His only sibling, Reese, was adopted in 1983 and now lives in Canada.
Other: He used to have a good life, with his brother, Reese, being on a famous TV show. They were minor, hometown celeberties, with almost a million dollars.
Username: 44Wolves
Name: Gabby
Gender: F
Age: 15
Appearance: Blue eyes, caramel brown hair. O
Personality: Sly, sneaky, cunning.
History: Her parents died in a car accident when she was 8.
Other: n/a
Username: OwlLover
Needs more information, every character has a history
Name: Jaxon
Gender: M
Age: 16
Appearance: About 6' tall, short blonde hair, sky blue eyes, muscular, handsome.
Personality: Doesn't talk much. He can be very sneaky, but he is kind.
History: He doesn't like to talk about it.
Other: He always wears ripped jeans, a loose t-shirt, and a necklace with a pendant shaped an arrowhead.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Sasha
Gender: F
Age: 15
Appearance: Very tall, beautiful, reddish brown hair, greyish-greenish eyes.
Personality: Quiet, mysterious.
History: No one knows.
Other: N/A
Username: LittleLady98
Needs more information, again, every character has a history
Name: Victoria Ellendou
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Short, white-blonde hair. Icy blue eyes.
Personality: Manipulative. She is great at lying and stealing.
History: She doesn't remember life before the foster home.
Other: She argues with Anthony (ringleader) often, and has threatened him.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Foalan McArthur
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: Messy red-brown hair, green eyes, pale freckles.
Personality: Calm usually, but frightening when angry.
History: He and Roselle were abducted when they were 12, but they were saved be the police, and they were at an orphanage ever since.
Other: He has been Roselle's boyfriend since he was 11.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Josh Hinder
Gender: Male
Age: 14
Appearance: Short black hair. Very dark and large freckles. Dark brown hazel eyes.
Personality: When he's not sulking, he's angry. Very unstable.
History: His mother died of cancer 1 year before his father and sister were murdered in front of him.
Other: Has had a tough life.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Roselle Fannix
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Appearance: Elbow length strawberry blonde hair that forms natural ringlets. Her fringe almost reaches her eyes. Her eyes are hazel, and she has lots of freckles. Amazing cheekbones.
Personality: On the outside, she's brave, caring and strong. On the inside, she's barely hanging on. She feels that only Foalan can ever truly understand her.
History: She and Foalan were abducted when they were 12, but they were saved be the police, and they were at an orphanage ever since.
Other: Foalan's girlfriend of 6 years.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Ellie Virtue
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Very pale skin, naturally red lips and straight black hair that is long enough for her to sit on. Her eyes range from almost black to golden brown depending on the light. She is fairly tall at 5'8".
Personality: A good leader and friends with almost everyone. She does sometimes get into arguments or trouble, but she knows when she has lost. One of the strongest; both mentally and physically.
History: She ran away from home 2 years ago. Although she doesn't regret it, she does get lonely sometimes.
Other: She always carries around her stolen kitchen knife. Someday, she hopes she'll acquire a switchblade.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Elijah (Eli) Carstairs
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: He is quite pale and has odd bright silver coloured hair, like an untarnished shilling. His eyes are the same silver as his hair and he has a fine-boned angular face, with a slight curve of his eyes. He looks youthful, partially because of his slightness. He is also tall, very slender and rather handsome too.
Personality: Kind and quiet, despite his bad passed. He seems gentle, and seems to be a very unlikely gang member. From his physical appearance and personality, it would almost make more sense to see him in a quiet, well-to-do neighbourhood. However, is a good fighter when pressed and is extremely intelligent. He doesn't like to have people worry about him and is very secretive about his past.
History: He was raised in Detroit with his parents and his younger sister Janelle. His father was a policeman and his mother, a nurse at a local hospital. One night, one of the criminals whom his father had put into prison escaped and murdered his mother, father and sister, but not before torturing him to nearly insanity. Surprisingly, the killer left him alive and he was shipped off to a foster him in New York where he met Blake Penhallow. The two formed an unlikely bond and later escaped together.
Other: None
Username: HollyBird24
Name: Blake Penhallow
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: Deep blue eyes and black hair thats always falling into his eyes. He has elegant features - high cheekbones; long, thick lashes; full lips and an elegant throat. He is muscular and well built with broad shoulders. He is mentioned to be about 6 feet tall and has callused hands from years of being on the streets.
Personality: He comes across as rude and arrogant, always utilising his quick wit and sarcasm. He is aware of his good looks and uses it to get his way. He is free-spirited and carefree and would risk his life for the people he loves. He is also self-sacrificing and reads extensively. He has a perfect memory and can find a quote for almost any situation.
History: He was born in a small town in Indiana and has three brothers and a sister. His parents expected him to take over the farm as he was the eldest child but he refused. He ran away from home when he was 12 and hitched a ride to New York city. He was arrested for an attempted robbery and thrown into foster care. Bitter with resentment for life in general and being locked in the foster home, he was ready to commit suicide when Eli arrived. He took the distraught teen under his wing and protected him against the harsh realities of living on the streets. When the foster homes were finally shut down he was glad to leave, but remained very close friends with Eli.
Other: None
Username: HollyBird24
I love my characters lol
Name: Gabriel
Gender: male
Age: 18
Appearance: Curly red-brown hair and solemn grey eyes, Gabriel stands at 6.2. He is lean with olive tinted skin and sharp features. His usual clothes are a T-shirt, a jacket and worn blue jeans. Never is he seen in dirty or hole filled clothes, taking great care of his appearance.
Personality: Gabe has a gentle face, and for the most part, his attitude matches. He isn't very outspoken, although he is rather bull-headed when it comes to arguing. Since his arrival, he has never been very trusting of others and has had a rather hard time making friends. He is a planner, not a quick pick pocket; better at larger scale runs and snatches.
History: His mother was killed in an accident when he was 11 and he was sent to live with his father. (His parents had divorced years prior) They did not get along, to say the least and his father did not want the responsibility of a child. After a tough few years in an orphanage, most of his time spent planning a way out, it closed without warning.
Username: Gerbil
Name: Alicia
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Alicia has short,blonde, layered hair; long bangs and cheery hazel eyes. She is rather short for her age with pale skin and a ready smile. She loves colors, wearing bright shades of greens, reds, etc. Little silver earrings adorn her ears and she usually has some sort of Barrette in her hair.
Personality: She is a social butterfly, charming, polite and lovable. Although she does have a bit of a temper, she never holds grudges for long.
History: She bounced between orphanages and foster homes from the age of 4, never finding a permanent place and losing her friends as she moved. Eventually she met Gabe, who told her about his life both current and past. She ran away and joined the group shortly after.
Username: Gerbil
Name: Elena Sheridan
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Short, with light blue eyes and long, poofy brunette hair and bangs. She has pale, lightly freckled skin.
Personality: A bit loud-mouthed, and not always very friendly.
History: She was born in one of the most crime ridden areas of New York City, and her parents were criminals. After they were arrested when she was one or so, she was taken into custody. Elena does not remember her parents.
Other: She seems to have taken a liking to Blake.
Username: Zinnia-Hen
LOL
Name: Eric Black
Gender: M
Age: 7
Appearance: He has bright red hair, his eyes are blue-green. He's not very tall, but his small size allows him to sneak around unnoticed.
Personality: Quiet, doesn't talk much. He doesn't trust easily, but if he trusts someone he would do anything for them.
History: He has been in an orphanage since he was 3, he doesn't know anything about his family.
Other: Is a excellent pick pocket.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Annie
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Appearance: Freckles over the bridge of her nose, doe brown eyes. Long wavy hair.
Personality: Normally loyal, but can be quite rebellious. Caring.
History: Was abandoned at one of the orphanages that most of the orphans came from.
Other: N/A
Username: DuckLover2399
Name: Eclipse
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearence: Black hair with three frecklaces on each side of her face, she has one blue eye and one brown eye. She is very short. She always carries a small pouch with a few pieces of candy, money, rag, note book with pencil, pocket knife, and a small pocket photo album.
Personality: She's very stealthy and smart. She's clever and feirce. She's not afraid of anything and she's strong. She believes that adults are nothing. She thinks fighting is cool and she is very quiet at times.
History: Her parents abused her horribly and killed her 3 older sisters and 2 younger brothers.
Other: Nothing
User: IMMASHEIK
This character is one I could consider a "Mary Sue" character. Her parents abused her and killed 5 of her siblings, yet she's smart/clever, strong and not afraid of anything? A kid from that background would be very emotionally scarred.
Name: Lilly
Gender: Female
Age: 7
Appearence: She looks just like Eclipse
Personality: Very confused at times she loves to play around and have fun she often follows Eclipse's style and she is a very good listener. She gets impatient at times and she is very sneaky.
History: Her parents abused her as well and made her watch her twin brother die and get tortured to death.
Other: Nothing
User: IMMASHEIK
Name: Aisha Simons
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Long dark red hair that she always braids. Brown eyes. She's short, around 5'4".
Personality: Easily frightened, but determined.
History: Grew up with her father, who was a butcher. He died of heart failure.
Other: She is new to living on the streets, and is good with a knife.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Elizabeth "Bambi" Mikelson
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Appearance: Bambi recieves her nickname from her large, doe-like eyes, and rather leggy, slender body. Her straight, lower back length hair is of blonde, complete with bangs.
Personality: Sassy, with the typical fast-paced attitude of a New Yorker. Unlike the others, she has decided to get a job after her jail experience. Most ignore her when she tells them not to commit crimes like she has done in the past, causing her to lose her temper easily. Bambi always hopes to raise enough money so she and Elena can live in an apartment, and finish their education, although she and her friend would miss those they've met in the orphanage.
History: When she was six years old, her hippie parents were arrested for possessing a good amount of weed. Bambi went foster home to foster home, and finally at the age of eleven she settled down in New York, where she met Elena.
Other: She usually won't respond to her real name, Elizabeth. That, and even though she says she doesn't commit crimes anymore, she carries a fake ID.
Username: Zinnia-Hen
Name: Danica (Danni) Aldertree
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Appearance: She's quite small for her age, both short and very slim. Her figure is graceful with gentle curves in all the right places and if you can look underneath the tough, street-kid look she is very attractive. Her hair is short and has been dyed so many times its hard to see what color it naturally is. Currently, its bright blue and purple with some orange around the ends.
Personality: Despite her size, she is tough and tom-boyish with a very stubborn, defiant personality. She hates taking orders from anyone, and will often do the exact opposite of what she is told, just to make a point. She is moody and easily irritated, snapping easily at the slightest provocation. Yet underneath this hard shell she is a very troubled, distraught young girl desperately wanting someone to want her again.
History: She was born in Florida but moved around a lot when she was young for her single mothers job. Her father died in a car accident with she was two and she had one older brother named Jeremy who took care of her when her mother was too busy. When she was six her mother re-married to a man named Cole, then ended up dying of a sudden onset of cancer a few months later. After her death, her step-father, Cole, was granted full custody of both her and her brother and his true character had begun to show. He abused both children constantly, especially six year old Danni. When she was nine, her and Jeremy ran away from home and ended up in Boston. For two years they lived on the streets, Danni making her money as a hooker and Jeremy as a drug dealer. One morning when she got home from a nights work, she found that Jeremy was gone. Missing without a trace. She fled to New York after some thugs began to rough her up a bit, blaming her for her brothers disappearance as they had lost a lot of money in the drugs he stole. She worked on and off as a hooker, eventually meeting Blake and Eli at the subway station. They offered her a place to stay and she accepted, knowing that she wouldn't last much longer on the streets alone.
Other: Her brother was never proven to be dead or alive, but a mysterious body showing up in a dumpster near where they were living. It was so badly mutilated that it was impossible to know who it was, but Danni believed it was Jeremy
Username: HollyBird24
Name: Angelina
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Straight brown hair, light hazel almond-shaped eyes. Not short, but not tall. Thin.
Personality: Very cautious, she has apparent trust problems.
History: N/A
Other: She doesn't look much like a homeless orphan, since she has relatively clean clothing and a sharp looking appearance.
Username: chickendiva25
Again, every character has a history. Sometimes I don't add all the information about my characters right away though either (this is also for the rest of you who left out part of your forms), I like to use them a bit and see what I want them to be.
- Apr 12, 2012
- 81
- 0
- 29
Great critique, Holly. I like your characters too!
I know you asked Zinnia to do this, but I thought I'd give it a go Nix and critique this. Hope you don't mind!
Deerwood Castle
Welcome to Deerwood castle. The king is Eldritch II. This place is loosely based on the court of Henry VIII. In this court, rumors are spread and hearts are broken. Why? Power.
Rules:
Humans only
Yes, you may suggest things that happen *ahem* during the night, but not that much. "She came to his bed last night," is all you need
Be fair and nice
All BYC rules apply
Violent battles can happen, but not often. Try to stick to non-violent battles
I like the plot and the rules. Very quick but to the point.
Code:
STOP: Questions about the RP only
GO: RPing, questions about the RP and other stuff RELATED to this RP are allowed.
FINISH UP: 5 or so minutes left. Start finishing up.
Here's probably one of the biggest problems. There have been RP threads in the past that I think were closed or locked for a little while because the owner came up with this idea and told everyone to stop RPing. Though I know it makes everything easier on you, the mods have said that it isn't really allowed, since all threads are open to everyone at all times. Save when they are closed.
Food
Breakfast:
Fruit, nuts, rice porridge.
Lunch(Usually quite small):
Bread, cheeses, poultry.
Dinner:
Meat(All birds, hoofed animals, rabbits, pretty much anything they can get), baked/boiled vegetables, salads, more cheese, spinach and cheese rolls.
Drinks(water is undrinkable):
Peach tea, normal tea, wine, rum and beer.
Ages
0-12 Child
13-15 Adult(Gets married[it is illegal to have a child before 15th birthday])
15-25 Mother(can be older, but this is more usual)
30+ Spends most time trying to advance in court, helping younger family members
You are very lucky to live past 45
Clothing
Men's
Men's clothing gives them a square shape. They wear short doublets over their hose and the shoulders of their coats are cut wide. It is fashionable for their sleeves to be slashed and their flat hats are often decorated with feathers.
Men wear their hair short, almost like modern hair. They wear variations of the low-crowned, brimmed cap which was often turned up all around or with just one side turned up.
Women's
Women's clothing gives them a triangular shape unlike the men's square shape. Their corsets are tight-fitting, while their kirtles and gowns are full. Hoods are very popular(especially the French hood). Almost all women have long hair.
This was not only helpful, but also like a little history lesson at the same time.
Titles
The ranks and titles of court in descending order:
Your Majesty:
King, Queen.
His/Her Royal Highness:
Prince, Princess
Your Grace:
Duke, Duchess, Marquess(Marquis), Lady Marquess.
Your Excellency:
Earl, Countess, Viscount, Viscountess, Baron, Baroness.
Sir, Lady or Dame:
Baronet, Knight, Lord, Lady
(The titles 'Mr' [Master] and 'Mrs' [Mistress] simply signify gentry status; 'Mrs' does not mean that a woman is married)
Maps:
The Castle & Grounds
https://www.backyardchickens.com/forum/uploads/74981_bycrpmap.jpg
NEWS
Augustine Babineaux and Eldritch Ogier are had twins!
You might want to change that.
PM your form to me:
Name(first and last):
Gender:
Apearance:
Job:
Age:
Family:
Other:
Username:
Everything must be filled(except for other), do not RP unless I have replied to your PM.
Characters:
King:
Eldritch Ogier II: The current king of Farlem. He has long black-brown hair and slightly dark skin. His irises are black. He is 32.(NixNoodleNumbat)
I like your form. It's quick and to the point, but giving you the basic idea of what he looks like. You could probably go into a little more detail.
Queen Consort:
Augustine Ogier: Youthful in appearance, with smooth skin of creamy alabaster. Long blonde curls cascade down her head. She is lady in waiting to Jessica Ogier. Augustine is also quite petite, and has gentle brown irises(Zinnia-Hen).
Prince:
David Ogier: Tall, thin and muscular. He has well chiselled features. His hair is wavy blonde, and reaches to about his ears. His eyes are a deep gray. He is desperately in love with Genevieve, a Lady in waiting.(chickendiva25)
I've been meaning to change this form for a while, I need to PM you...
Princesses:
Jessica Ogier: She is beautiful, with long blonde hair, pretty green eyes. She is very tall for 14. Her father is King Eldritch Ogier II. Her mother is Laef of Redwall.(<3ChickenForever)
Servants:
Alice Gem Her skin is olive, hair dark ebony and tied up neatly most of the time. Her eyes are dark and she rarely smiles, she stands at about 5"5. She is 18.(Gerbil)
Ladies in Waiting:
Anna Welth: She has Golden Blonde Hair with Blue eyes that change to Green sometimes. She is skinny and semi-tan and pale. She is 16 and a Half. She is a kind and loyal servant.(Pekinduck<3er)
Anette Wilson: A beautiful girl of 17. Jane and Ruden Wilson are her parents. She has long wavy golden blonde hair and brown eyes. She is very quiet and modest. (NixNoodleNumbat)
Lady Jane Wilson: Deep red hair and hazel eyes. She has a crooked smile and is very experienced with the ways of the court.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Ladies in Waiting:
Grace Caron: Tall and slender, sparkling green eyes and wavy red hair. She loves music and horseback riding. She is lady in waiting to the queen. Very impetuous and she gets in trouble a lot for not acting like a proper lady. She is 16.(Lealonna)
Danielle Bordelette:Tall with long dirty blonde hair.(LittleLady98)
Hmm...This could use with a little more detail. Take a look at several of the other forms on here, they might give you a good idea on what to put.
Augustine Babineaux: Youthful in appearance, with smooth skin of creamy alabaster. Long blonde curls cascade down her head. She is lady in waiting to Jessica Ogier. Augustine is also quite petite, and has gentle brown irises(Zinnia-Hen).
Perhaps you should delete this? Augustine is now Queen.
Geneveive Lawrence: Beautiful, slender and graceful. Her lips are the color of roses, and her hair is about back length and blonde, almost white. She is lady in waiting to the queen. Secretly loves Prince David.(chickendiva25)
Lady Anne Gwenith: Eldritch II's cousin. She looks a lot like the king. She is lady in waiting to the queen and has been since the queen has been married to Eldritch.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Dukes/Duchesses/Earls/Lords/Ladies:
Liam McColl: Advisor to the king. He is the one who arranged for the king and queen to be married and is well rewarded. He is old and was in the court since before Eldritch II.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Peter Wilson: The son of Jane and Ruben Wilson. He is a year older than his sister, Annette. He is the spitting image of his father. He tends to flirt with the ladies and has no inclination of marriage for the moment.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Sir Daniel Wilson: Jane Wilson's brother. He has long straight black hair and dark brown eyes. He is a terrible lier and remains single, even though he is 30.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Duchess Mary Gwenith: The sworn enemy of Jane Wilson. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. Though she is married to Richard Gwenith, she really plans to marry the king. She is Anne Gwenith's sister, and therefore cousin of the king.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Duke Richard Gwenith: Husband of Mary Gwenith. He is loyal to his wife and has never bedded another woman. He is a quiet man, and prefers to spend his time in the castle gardens.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Thomas Smith: A young man of 22 with his eye on Grace Caron. He has short red hair and lots of freckles. He is very tall and skinny. His family is from Jey, and four years ago he was sent to marry a young woman who sadly passed away. He has stayed at court since then, and the king has not noticed. He is good friends with Tibo D'Fleur, and can speak a little Jeyan.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Tibo D'Fleur: A Dancan of around the same age as Thomas Smith. He has just below shoulder-length curly black hair and blue eyes. His family used to live at court, but they had to return to Danc when his grandmother died. (NixNoodleNumbat)
Lady Jane Wilson: Deep red hair and hazel eyes. She has a crooked smile and is very experienced with the ways of the court.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Lord Ruben Wilson: Curly brown hair and piercing green eyes. He is quite close to the king, but is very paranoid.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Grace Caron: Tall and slender, sparkling green eyes and wavy red hair. She loves music and horseback riding. Very impetuous and she gets in trouble a lot for not acting like a proper lady. She is 16.(Lealonna)
Danielle Bordelette:Tall with long dirty blonde hair.(LittleLady98)
Geneveive Lawrence: Beautiful, slender and graceful. Her lips are the color of roses, and her hair is about back length and blonde, almost white. Secretly loves Prince David.(chickendiva25)
Lady Anne Gwenith: Eldritch II's cousin. She looks a lot like the king.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Elizabeth Cahill: About 5' 9'' tall, beautiful reddish-brown hair. Her eyes are a beautiful, deep blue that seems to look into your soul. She is slender, but is stronger than most give her credit for. She is 16. Her family is a few distant cousins, and her father. (LittleLady98)
Knights:
Ekkehardt Chetwood: Tall and teenager-like in appearance. His build should not fool you, however, for he is still quite strong. Ekkehardt's skin is pale and lightly freckled around the cheeks, and his eyes are of deep royal blue. His jet black hair is soft in texture, though shaggy, wavy, and around mid-neck length. He is 18.(Zinnia-Hen)
Steavan Heart: He is a tanned and muscular brown haired boy with brown eyes, he is really handsome. He is 17.(Pekinduck<3er)
Paul Rhine: Tall and burly. His hair is brown quite long and is normally pulled back into a ponytail. He is 20. He has several siblings. He considers his best friend Sebastian to be family.(chickendiva25)
Sebastian Foster: He's average in height, with soft hazel eyes and light auburn hair. He is 21. Seabastian is currently seeking a special woman to share his life with. (chickendiva25)
Gregory Tigerbane: He appears to be around 19-20, with medium length black hair and a strong featured face. He stands just above average height, his eyes are fawn and smile always ready to greet. His colors are that of Deerwood castle. He has lived and trained at the castle from a young age. His charge is a white mutt stallion, named Glorious. 16hh and built like a tree, he is rather imposing, but is a gentle giant.(Gerbil)
James Reagan: He is around 6' tall with rich black hair. His eyes are a startling grey, with small flecks of blue and green. He is very muscular, because he likes to do physical work daily. He is 27. He was orphaned at the age of 14, after the rest of his family died of an illness. (LittleLady98)
Pages:
Arthur: Usually wears light colors, has sandy blonde hair and is very tan. He has blue eyes. He is 13 years old.(Blonde)
Melon Parkes: He is a bit of a bully. He enjoys annoying Arthur. He has short brown hair and brown eyes. He was sent to Farlem from Jey.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Animal Workers(Grooms, falconers etc.):
Snaka Atraan: A young woman of 24. She has chin-length auburn hair and dark brown eyes. She tends to wear a mans clothes. She has a pet ferret that goes everywhere with her.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Malitiwah Sangrea(Mali) She has dark black hair and green eyes. She is 15. She was abandoned at two days.(singingchickenmomma)
Frank: He has black hair, a strong build and brown eyes. Has a small scar on his face from Scree, his falcon.(SuperChickenDude327)
Edward McGrath: An excellent stable-boy with little social skills. He spends most of his time outside, and seldom enters the castle. He often goes on hunting trips with the king and other men. His only human friend is Frank.
Deceased:
Laef of Redwall: She had shoulder length light brown hair and hazel eyes. She liked wearing french hoods. She had thick lashes and was rather tall. She was 33 when she died.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Maps
Kings Rooms
Queens Rooms
Banqueting Hall
Servants Rooms
Courtyard
Dancing Hall
Rooms(for other members of court)
Entrance Hall
Overall, this RP is very good and needs little changing. You seem to know what you're doing when it comes to the history and making up unique, colorful characters. Something I've been wanting to ask you to change though, for quite a while now, is the space between all the forms. They all sort of, run into each other, and make it hard on the readers eyes. If you changed that the whole page would look much cleaner.
Deerwood Castle
Welcome to Deerwood castle. The king is Eldritch II. This place is loosely based on the court of Henry VIII. In this court, rumors are spread and hearts are broken. Why? Power.
Rules:
Humans only
Yes, you may suggest things that happen *ahem* during the night, but not that much. "She came to his bed last night," is all you need
Be fair and nice
All BYC rules apply
Violent battles can happen, but not often. Try to stick to non-violent battles
I like the plot and the rules. Very quick but to the point.
Code:
STOP: Questions about the RP only
GO: RPing, questions about the RP and other stuff RELATED to this RP are allowed.
FINISH UP: 5 or so minutes left. Start finishing up.
Here's probably one of the biggest problems. There have been RP threads in the past that I think were closed or locked for a little while because the owner came up with this idea and told everyone to stop RPing. Though I know it makes everything easier on you, the mods have said that it isn't really allowed, since all threads are open to everyone at all times. Save when they are closed.
Food
Breakfast:
Fruit, nuts, rice porridge.
Lunch(Usually quite small):
Bread, cheeses, poultry.
Dinner:
Meat(All birds, hoofed animals, rabbits, pretty much anything they can get), baked/boiled vegetables, salads, more cheese, spinach and cheese rolls.
Drinks(water is undrinkable):
Peach tea, normal tea, wine, rum and beer.
Ages
0-12 Child
13-15 Adult(Gets married[it is illegal to have a child before 15th birthday])
15-25 Mother(can be older, but this is more usual)
30+ Spends most time trying to advance in court, helping younger family members
You are very lucky to live past 45
Clothing
Men's
Men's clothing gives them a square shape. They wear short doublets over their hose and the shoulders of their coats are cut wide. It is fashionable for their sleeves to be slashed and their flat hats are often decorated with feathers.
Men wear their hair short, almost like modern hair. They wear variations of the low-crowned, brimmed cap which was often turned up all around or with just one side turned up.
Women's
Women's clothing gives them a triangular shape unlike the men's square shape. Their corsets are tight-fitting, while their kirtles and gowns are full. Hoods are very popular(especially the French hood). Almost all women have long hair.
This was not only helpful, but also like a little history lesson at the same time.
Titles
The ranks and titles of court in descending order:
Your Majesty:
King, Queen.
His/Her Royal Highness:
Prince, Princess
Your Grace:
Duke, Duchess, Marquess(Marquis), Lady Marquess.
Your Excellency:
Earl, Countess, Viscount, Viscountess, Baron, Baroness.
Sir, Lady or Dame:
Baronet, Knight, Lord, Lady
(The titles 'Mr' [Master] and 'Mrs' [Mistress] simply signify gentry status; 'Mrs' does not mean that a woman is married)
Maps:
The Castle & Grounds
https://www.backyardchickens.com/forum/uploads/74981_bycrpmap.jpg
NEWS
Augustine Babineaux and Eldritch Ogier are had twins!
You might want to change that.
PM your form to me:
Name(first and last):
Gender:
Apearance:
Job:
Age:
Family:
Other:
Username:
Everything must be filled(except for other), do not RP unless I have replied to your PM.
Characters:
King:
Eldritch Ogier II: The current king of Farlem. He has long black-brown hair and slightly dark skin. His irises are black. He is 32.(NixNoodleNumbat)
I like your form. It's quick and to the point, but giving you the basic idea of what he looks like. You could probably go into a little more detail.
Queen Consort:
Augustine Ogier: Youthful in appearance, with smooth skin of creamy alabaster. Long blonde curls cascade down her head. She is lady in waiting to Jessica Ogier. Augustine is also quite petite, and has gentle brown irises(Zinnia-Hen).
Prince:
David Ogier: Tall, thin and muscular. He has well chiselled features. His hair is wavy blonde, and reaches to about his ears. His eyes are a deep gray. He is desperately in love with Genevieve, a Lady in waiting.(chickendiva25)
I've been meaning to change this form for a while, I need to PM you...
Princesses:
Jessica Ogier: She is beautiful, with long blonde hair, pretty green eyes. She is very tall for 14. Her father is King Eldritch Ogier II. Her mother is Laef of Redwall.(<3ChickenForever)
Servants:
Alice Gem Her skin is olive, hair dark ebony and tied up neatly most of the time. Her eyes are dark and she rarely smiles, she stands at about 5"5. She is 18.(Gerbil)
Ladies in Waiting:
Anna Welth: She has Golden Blonde Hair with Blue eyes that change to Green sometimes. She is skinny and semi-tan and pale. She is 16 and a Half. She is a kind and loyal servant.(Pekinduck<3er)
Anette Wilson: A beautiful girl of 17. Jane and Ruden Wilson are her parents. She has long wavy golden blonde hair and brown eyes. She is very quiet and modest. (NixNoodleNumbat)
Lady Jane Wilson: Deep red hair and hazel eyes. She has a crooked smile and is very experienced with the ways of the court.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Ladies in Waiting:
Grace Caron: Tall and slender, sparkling green eyes and wavy red hair. She loves music and horseback riding. She is lady in waiting to the queen. Very impetuous and she gets in trouble a lot for not acting like a proper lady. She is 16.(Lealonna)
Danielle Bordelette:Tall with long dirty blonde hair.(LittleLady98)
Hmm...This could use with a little more detail. Take a look at several of the other forms on here, they might give you a good idea on what to put.
Augustine Babineaux: Youthful in appearance, with smooth skin of creamy alabaster. Long blonde curls cascade down her head. She is lady in waiting to Jessica Ogier. Augustine is also quite petite, and has gentle brown irises(Zinnia-Hen).
Perhaps you should delete this? Augustine is now Queen.
Geneveive Lawrence: Beautiful, slender and graceful. Her lips are the color of roses, and her hair is about back length and blonde, almost white. She is lady in waiting to the queen. Secretly loves Prince David.(chickendiva25)
Lady Anne Gwenith: Eldritch II's cousin. She looks a lot like the king. She is lady in waiting to the queen and has been since the queen has been married to Eldritch.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Dukes/Duchesses/Earls/Lords/Ladies:
Liam McColl: Advisor to the king. He is the one who arranged for the king and queen to be married and is well rewarded. He is old and was in the court since before Eldritch II.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Peter Wilson: The son of Jane and Ruben Wilson. He is a year older than his sister, Annette. He is the spitting image of his father. He tends to flirt with the ladies and has no inclination of marriage for the moment.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Sir Daniel Wilson: Jane Wilson's brother. He has long straight black hair and dark brown eyes. He is a terrible lier and remains single, even though he is 30.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Duchess Mary Gwenith: The sworn enemy of Jane Wilson. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. Though she is married to Richard Gwenith, she really plans to marry the king. She is Anne Gwenith's sister, and therefore cousin of the king.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Duke Richard Gwenith: Husband of Mary Gwenith. He is loyal to his wife and has never bedded another woman. He is a quiet man, and prefers to spend his time in the castle gardens.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Thomas Smith: A young man of 22 with his eye on Grace Caron. He has short red hair and lots of freckles. He is very tall and skinny. His family is from Jey, and four years ago he was sent to marry a young woman who sadly passed away. He has stayed at court since then, and the king has not noticed. He is good friends with Tibo D'Fleur, and can speak a little Jeyan.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Tibo D'Fleur: A Dancan of around the same age as Thomas Smith. He has just below shoulder-length curly black hair and blue eyes. His family used to live at court, but they had to return to Danc when his grandmother died. (NixNoodleNumbat)
Lady Jane Wilson: Deep red hair and hazel eyes. She has a crooked smile and is very experienced with the ways of the court.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Lord Ruben Wilson: Curly brown hair and piercing green eyes. He is quite close to the king, but is very paranoid.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Grace Caron: Tall and slender, sparkling green eyes and wavy red hair. She loves music and horseback riding. Very impetuous and she gets in trouble a lot for not acting like a proper lady. She is 16.(Lealonna)
Danielle Bordelette:Tall with long dirty blonde hair.(LittleLady98)
Geneveive Lawrence: Beautiful, slender and graceful. Her lips are the color of roses, and her hair is about back length and blonde, almost white. Secretly loves Prince David.(chickendiva25)
Lady Anne Gwenith: Eldritch II's cousin. She looks a lot like the king.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Elizabeth Cahill: About 5' 9'' tall, beautiful reddish-brown hair. Her eyes are a beautiful, deep blue that seems to look into your soul. She is slender, but is stronger than most give her credit for. She is 16. Her family is a few distant cousins, and her father. (LittleLady98)
Knights:
Ekkehardt Chetwood: Tall and teenager-like in appearance. His build should not fool you, however, for he is still quite strong. Ekkehardt's skin is pale and lightly freckled around the cheeks, and his eyes are of deep royal blue. His jet black hair is soft in texture, though shaggy, wavy, and around mid-neck length. He is 18.(Zinnia-Hen)
Steavan Heart: He is a tanned and muscular brown haired boy with brown eyes, he is really handsome. He is 17.(Pekinduck<3er)
Paul Rhine: Tall and burly. His hair is brown quite long and is normally pulled back into a ponytail. He is 20. He has several siblings. He considers his best friend Sebastian to be family.(chickendiva25)
Sebastian Foster: He's average in height, with soft hazel eyes and light auburn hair. He is 21. Seabastian is currently seeking a special woman to share his life with. (chickendiva25)
Gregory Tigerbane: He appears to be around 19-20, with medium length black hair and a strong featured face. He stands just above average height, his eyes are fawn and smile always ready to greet. His colors are that of Deerwood castle. He has lived and trained at the castle from a young age. His charge is a white mutt stallion, named Glorious. 16hh and built like a tree, he is rather imposing, but is a gentle giant.(Gerbil)
James Reagan: He is around 6' tall with rich black hair. His eyes are a startling grey, with small flecks of blue and green. He is very muscular, because he likes to do physical work daily. He is 27. He was orphaned at the age of 14, after the rest of his family died of an illness. (LittleLady98)
Pages:
Arthur: Usually wears light colors, has sandy blonde hair and is very tan. He has blue eyes. He is 13 years old.(Blonde)
Melon Parkes: He is a bit of a bully. He enjoys annoying Arthur. He has short brown hair and brown eyes. He was sent to Farlem from Jey.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Animal Workers(Grooms, falconers etc.):
Snaka Atraan: A young woman of 24. She has chin-length auburn hair and dark brown eyes. She tends to wear a mans clothes. She has a pet ferret that goes everywhere with her.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Malitiwah Sangrea(Mali) She has dark black hair and green eyes. She is 15. She was abandoned at two days.(singingchickenmomma)
Frank: He has black hair, a strong build and brown eyes. Has a small scar on his face from Scree, his falcon.(SuperChickenDude327)
Edward McGrath: An excellent stable-boy with little social skills. He spends most of his time outside, and seldom enters the castle. He often goes on hunting trips with the king and other men. His only human friend is Frank.
Deceased:
Laef of Redwall: She had shoulder length light brown hair and hazel eyes. She liked wearing french hoods. She had thick lashes and was rather tall. She was 33 when she died.(NixNoodleNumbat)
Maps
Kings Rooms
Queens Rooms
Banqueting Hall
Servants Rooms
Courtyard
Dancing Hall
Rooms(for other members of court)
Entrance Hall
Overall, this RP is very good and needs little changing. You seem to know what you're doing when it comes to the history and making up unique, colorful characters. Something I've been wanting to ask you to change though, for quite a while now, is the space between all the forms. They all sort of, run into each other, and make it hard on the readers eyes. If you changed that the whole page would look much cleaner.
Last edited:
- Thread starter
- #35
- Jan 29, 2011
- 28,280
- 61
- 343
Very nice job, Diva.
- Thread starter
- #36
- Jan 29, 2011
- 28,280
- 61
- 343
( PLEASE NOTE: I'm lacking creativity title wise, so please bare with me. The title may change at any time. )
The Story:
The year is 1985. In New York City, several foster homes are shut down with little notice. Strangely, not all of the children were transferred to another orphanage, and instead left many of the older ones without refuge. So far, one of the owners was arrested such a crime, the rest could not be found and the police are still in search of the children.
In order to survive, those who were left in the streets have banded together. They shoplift, pick pocket on subways and sidewalks, and preform fairly petty crimes on a regular basis. This, and they must keep themselves hidden from the police in order to stay out of jail or another foster home.
Although they roam the streets as nomads, they do have a small base in the heart of the city, hidden within an alleyway. The door of an abandoned building down the alley holds many of their stolen goods, as well as a few mattresses.
I like the story, it makes sense, something that could actually happen. I also like how you changed the year, although 1985 isn't THAT long ago in the big picture, fashion, the latest greatest technology and stuff will be different, requiring a tad bit of research on the players part if they really want to fit in with this story. Its different then the other roleplays, what I like the most is that its REALISTIC. Fantasy roleplays are fun, but tend to get outta hand fast if not managed properly. Sometimes its nice to kick back and roleplay something familiar that you can relate to as most of us are teenagers like our characters. If I had to add anything, it would be the formation of gangs cliques of kids of similar ages and interests. Obviously not everyone will want to live around Anthony, but that will form over time. Already Blake and Eli have a little group of their own. I like it!
-----
Rules:
*All BYC rules apply.
*Please be realistic.
*If you're arrested, you're arrested. You probably won't be able to injure authorities without being shot.
*Don't control characters other than your own.
*Only one blow per post when fighting.
*No instant killing.
*Keep things PG-13 at the most.
*Please use proper grammar. It is extremely difficult to understand you if you don't use any punctuation, and spell/use many of your words incorrectly.
*No Mary-Sues or Gary-Stus. No character is flawless.
*Your children can't have assault rifles, handguns, machetes, katanas, or any ridiculous weapon. Pocket knives, rocks, fists, or anything that is easy to get one's hands on is fine, however.
A good set of rules, not too wordy and easy to understand. If I were you I might even even italicized the realistic part, that IMO is pretty major along with the proper grammar one. One thing that drives me crazy is people who can't be bothered to use decent grammar and spelling. Text talk is for cell phones, not roleplays! Even if you are on your phone while surfing BYC... It bugs me lol. The cop rule is good too, a street kid ain't gunna do so well against a trained, armed police officer! Another thing I really like is the list of acceptable weapons, its clear and specific. You could add one about being an active player, but hardly anyone pays attention to that one anyways. (I hate it when people join a roleplay and then leave.)
-----
Joining Forms:
Name:
Gender:
Age:
Appearance:
Personality:
History:
Other:
Username:
-----
The Members:
Ringleader:
Name: Anthony MacDonald
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Appearance: Tall and a bit lanky, with shaggy black hair, light skin, and dark eyes. He wears jeans with tattered ends, and a tight t-shirt under a bomber jacket. For shoes, he wears stolen Doc Martens.
Personality: Quiet, although if you bother him he can come off as rough. Due to his silent nature, he often steals for his gang. He will fight people away, even if all he has are his fists.
History: At the age of four, his parents fell victim to Turkish Airlines Flight 981 while on vacation. He would have went to live with his aunt, but she already had enough children to care for.
Other: N/A
Username: Zinnia-Hen
Some people might disagree with me here, but IMO he is too young to be a ringleader. On the streets, its survival of the fittest. It would be too easy for a larger, 17 or 18 year old guy beat him up and steal the gang. A ringleader also needs to be authoritive, not quiet. He seems like a character who would be a good ringleader in a few years, but not right now.
Members:
Name: Ninat
Gender: F
Age: 13
Appearance: Jet black hair with sharp jade green eyes
Personality: Very cunning and sneaky
History: unknown
Other: N/A
Username: SCM
Needs more information, put some thought into your forms to create an interesting character!
Name: Shelly
Gender: F
Age: 17
Appearance: Short, spiky dark brown hair
Personality: A bit of a loner, but tries to be helpful
History: She had parents until she was 16, but still being a minor she was forced into a home against her will, instead of going to live with friends.
Other: Sometimes drives stolen cars to get around.
Username: Fierlin
Name: James Eagle
Gender: M
Age: 14
Appearance: Tall, dark brown hair, grey eyes.
Personality: Kind, quiet, can seem to be sneaky, cruel when needed.
History: His parents were killed in a car accident, and he had no other known family besides his twin sister.
Other: He is half Native American.
Username: LittleLady98
These characters, James and Jadyn are exactly the same. No two people are exactly the same, not even identical twins.
Name: Jadyn Eagle
Gender: F
Age: 14
Appearance: Tall, dark brown hair, grey eyes.
Personality: Kind, quiet, can seem to be sneaky, cruel when needed.
History: Her parents were killed in a car accident, and she had no other known family besides her twin brother.
Other: She is half Native American.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Johnathan
Gender: M
Age: 16
Appearance: Shaggy, bright red hair that's normally covered by a backwards faced baseball cap. He's a total punk rocked, but more on the casual side with his style; tight fitting jeans that are ripped up at the knees, cuffed at the bottom, and adorned with lots of safety pins doing a terrible job at keeping the holes in-tact. His leather jacket, when inspected closely, has several mended areas. The color on the elbows are faded, giving it a ragged look.
Personality: Funny, basically a good guy; but sneaky as a fox. One moment he'd be having a casual conversation with you, the next moment he'd pick your pocket. He trust's very few people.
History: Parents left him at the orphanage when his was pretty young, leaving him to grow up without even knowing them.
Other: Chews gum a lot.
Username: chickendiva25
Name: Dewey Botta
Gender: Male
Age: 13
Appearance: Dewey has dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. He is not tall at all, topping no more than 4'9.
Personality: He is sly and sneaky, and is also very quick. He is agile and fast, giving him an advantage.
History: His father died in a car accident back in 1980, and his mother committed suicide a year later. His only sibling, Reese, was adopted in 1983 and now lives in Canada.
Other: He used to have a good life, with his brother, Reese, being on a famous TV show. They were minor, hometown celeberties, with almost a million dollars.
Username: 44Wolves
Name: Gabby
Gender: F
Age: 15
Appearance: Blue eyes, caramel brown hair. O
Personality: Sly, sneaky, cunning.
History: Her parents died in a car accident when she was 8.
Other: n/a
Username: OwlLover
Needs more information, every character has a history
Name: Jaxon
Gender: M
Age: 16
Appearance: About 6' tall, short blonde hair, sky blue eyes, muscular, handsome.
Personality: Doesn't talk much. He can be very sneaky, but he is kind.
History: He doesn't like to talk about it.
Other: He always wears ripped jeans, a loose t-shirt, and a necklace with a pendant shaped an arrowhead.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Sasha
Gender: F
Age: 15
Appearance: Very tall, beautiful, reddish brown hair, greyish-greenish eyes.
Personality: Quiet, mysterious.
History: No one knows.
Other: N/A
Username: LittleLady98
Needs more information, again, every character has a history
Name: Victoria Ellendou
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Short, white-blonde hair. Icy blue eyes.
Personality: Manipulative. She is great at lying and stealing.
History: She doesn't remember life before the foster home.
Other: She argues with Anthony (ringleader) often, and has threatened him.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Foalan McArthur
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: Messy red-brown hair, green eyes, pale freckles.
Personality: Calm usually, but frightening when angry.
History: He and Roselle were abducted when they were 12, but they were saved be the police, and they were at an orphanage ever since.
Other: He has been Roselle's boyfriend since he was 11.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Josh Hinder
Gender: Male
Age: 14
Appearance: Short black hair. Very dark and large freckles. Dark brown hazel eyes.
Personality: When he's not sulking, he's angry. Very unstable.
History: His mother died of cancer 1 year before his father and sister were murdered in front of him.
Other: Has had a tough life.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Roselle Fannix
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Appearance: Elbow length strawberry blonde hair that forms natural ringlets. Her fringe almost reaches her eyes. Her eyes are hazel, and she has lots of freckles. Amazing cheekbones.
Personality: On the outside, she's brave, caring and strong. On the inside, she's barely hanging on. She feels that only Foalan can ever truly understand her.
History: She and Foalan were abducted when they were 12, but they were saved be the police, and they were at an orphanage ever since.
Other: Foalan's girlfriend of 6 years.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Ellie Virtue
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Very pale skin, naturally red lips and straight black hair that is long enough for her to sit on. Her eyes range from almost black to golden brown depending on the light. She is fairly tall at 5'8".
Personality: A good leader and friends with almost everyone. She does sometimes get into arguments or trouble, but she knows when she has lost. One of the strongest; both mentally and physically.
History: She ran away from home 2 years ago. Although she doesn't regret it, she does get lonely sometimes.
Other: She always carries around her stolen kitchen knife. Someday, she hopes she'll acquire a switchblade.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Elijah (Eli) Carstairs
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: He is quite pale and has odd bright silver coloured hair, like an untarnished shilling. His eyes are the same silver as his hair and he has a fine-boned angular face, with a slight curve of his eyes. He looks youthful, partially because of his slightness. He is also tall, very slender and rather handsome too.
Personality: Kind and quiet, despite his bad passed. He seems gentle, and seems to be a very unlikely gang member. From his physical appearance and personality, it would almost make more sense to see him in a quiet, well-to-do neighbourhood. However, is a good fighter when pressed and is extremely intelligent. He doesn't like to have people worry about him and is very secretive about his past.
History: He was raised in Detroit with his parents and his younger sister Janelle. His father was a policeman and his mother, a nurse at a local hospital. One night, one of the criminals whom his father had put into prison escaped and murdered his mother, father and sister, but not before torturing him to nearly insanity. Surprisingly, the killer left him alive and he was shipped off to a foster him in New York where he met Blake Penhallow. The two formed an unlikely bond and later escaped together.
Other: None
Username: HollyBird24
Name: Blake Penhallow
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Appearance: Deep blue eyes and black hair thats always falling into his eyes. He has elegant features - high cheekbones; long, thick lashes; full lips and an elegant throat. He is muscular and well built with broad shoulders. He is mentioned to be about 6 feet tall and has callused hands from years of being on the streets.
Personality: He comes across as rude and arrogant, always utilising his quick wit and sarcasm. He is aware of his good looks and uses it to get his way. He is free-spirited and carefree and would risk his life for the people he loves. He is also self-sacrificing and reads extensively. He has a perfect memory and can find a quote for almost any situation.
History: He was born in a small town in Indiana and has three brothers and a sister. His parents expected him to take over the farm as he was the eldest child but he refused. He ran away from home when he was 12 and hitched a ride to New York city. He was arrested for an attempted robbery and thrown into foster care. Bitter with resentment for life in general and being locked in the foster home, he was ready to commit suicide when Eli arrived. He took the distraught teen under his wing and protected him against the harsh realities of living on the streets. When the foster homes were finally shut down he was glad to leave, but remained very close friends with Eli.
Other: None
Username: HollyBird24
I love my characters lol
Name: Gabriel
Gender: male
Age: 18
Appearance: Curly red-brown hair and solemn grey eyes, Gabriel stands at 6.2. He is lean with olive tinted skin and sharp features. His usual clothes are a T-shirt, a jacket and worn blue jeans. Never is he seen in dirty or hole filled clothes, taking great care of his appearance.
Personality: Gabe has a gentle face, and for the most part, his attitude matches. He isn't very outspoken, although he is rather bull-headed when it comes to arguing. Since his arrival, he has never been very trusting of others and has had a rather hard time making friends. He is a planner, not a quick pick pocket; better at larger scale runs and snatches.
History: His mother was killed in an accident when he was 11 and he was sent to live with his father. (His parents had divorced years prior) They did not get along, to say the least and his father did not want the responsibility of a child. After a tough few years in an orphanage, most of his time spent planning a way out, it closed without warning.
Username: Gerbil
Name: Alicia
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Alicia has short,blonde, layered hair; long bangs and cheery hazel eyes. She is rather short for her age with pale skin and a ready smile. She loves colors, wearing bright shades of greens, reds, etc. Little silver earrings adorn her ears and she usually has some sort of Barrette in her hair.
Personality: She is a social butterfly, charming, polite and lovable. Although she does have a bit of a temper, she never holds grudges for long.
History: She bounced between orphanages and foster homes from the age of 4, never finding a permanent place and losing her friends as she moved. Eventually she met Gabe, who told her about his life both current and past. She ran away and joined the group shortly after.
Username: Gerbil
Name: Elena Sheridan
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Short, with light blue eyes and long, poofy brunette hair and bangs. She has pale, lightly freckled skin.
Personality: A bit loud-mouthed, and not always very friendly.
History: She was born in one of the most crime ridden areas of New York City, and her parents were criminals. After they were arrested when she was one or so, she was taken into custody. Elena does not remember her parents.
Other: She seems to have taken a liking to Blake.
Username: Zinnia-Hen
LOL
Name: Eric Black
Gender: M
Age: 7
Appearance: He has bright red hair, his eyes are blue-green. He's not very tall, but his small size allows him to sneak around unnoticed.
Personality: Quiet, doesn't talk much. He doesn't trust easily, but if he trusts someone he would do anything for them.
History: He has been in an orphanage since he was 3, he doesn't know anything about his family.
Other: Is a excellent pick pocket.
Username: LittleLady98
Name: Annie
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Appearance: Freckles over the bridge of her nose, doe brown eyes. Long wavy hair.
Personality: Normally loyal, but can be quite rebellious. Caring.
History: Was abandoned at one of the orphanages that most of the orphans came from.
Other: N/A
Username: DuckLover2399
Name: Eclipse
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearence: Black hair with three frecklaces on each side of her face, she has one blue eye and one brown eye. She is very short. She always carries a small pouch with a few pieces of candy, money, rag, note book with pencil, pocket knife, and a small pocket photo album.
Personality: She's very stealthy and smart. She's clever and feirce. She's not afraid of anything and she's strong. She believes that adults are nothing. She thinks fighting is cool and she is very quiet at times.
History: Her parents abused her horribly and killed her 3 older sisters and 2 younger brothers.
Other: Nothing
User: IMMASHEIK
This character is one I could consider a "Mary Sue" character. Her parents abused her and killed 5 of her siblings, yet she's smart/clever, strong and not afraid of anything? A kid from that background would be very emotionally scarred.
Name: Lilly
Gender: Female
Age: 7
Appearence: She looks just like Eclipse
Personality: Very confused at times she loves to play around and have fun she often follows Eclipse's style and she is a very good listener. She gets impatient at times and she is very sneaky.
History: Her parents abused her as well and made her watch her twin brother die and get tortured to death.
Other: Nothing
User: IMMASHEIK
Name: Aisha Simons
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Appearance: Long dark red hair that she always braids. Brown eyes. She's short, around 5'4".
Personality: Easily frightened, but determined.
History: Grew up with her father, who was a butcher. He died of heart failure.
Other: She is new to living on the streets, and is good with a knife.
Username: NixNoodleNumbat
Name: Elizabeth "Bambi" Mikelson
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Appearance: Bambi recieves her nickname from her large, doe-like eyes, and rather leggy, slender body. Her straight, lower back length hair is of blonde, complete with bangs.
Personality: Sassy, with the typical fast-paced attitude of a New Yorker. Unlike the others, she has decided to get a job after her jail experience. Most ignore her when she tells them not to commit crimes like she has done in the past, causing her to lose her temper easily. Bambi always hopes to raise enough money so she and Elena can live in an apartment, and finish their education, although she and her friend would miss those they've met in the orphanage.
History: When she was six years old, her hippie parents were arrested for possessing a good amount of weed. Bambi went foster home to foster home, and finally at the age of eleven she settled down in New York, where she met Elena.
Other: She usually won't respond to her real name, Elizabeth. That, and even though she says she doesn't commit crimes anymore, she carries a fake ID.
Username: Zinnia-Hen
Name: Danica (Danni) Aldertree
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Appearance: She's quite small for her age, both short and very slim. Her figure is graceful with gentle curves in all the right places and if you can look underneath the tough, street-kid look she is very attractive. Her hair is short and has been dyed so many times its hard to see what color it naturally is. Currently, its bright blue and purple with some orange around the ends.
Personality: Despite her size, she is tough and tom-boyish with a very stubborn, defiant personality. She hates taking orders from anyone, and will often do the exact opposite of what she is told, just to make a point. She is moody and easily irritated, snapping easily at the slightest provocation. Yet underneath this hard shell she is a very troubled, distraught young girl desperately wanting someone to want her again.
History: She was born in Florida but moved around a lot when she was young for her single mothers job. Her father died in a car accident with she was two and she had one older brother named Jeremy who took care of her when her mother was too busy. When she was six her mother re-married to a man named Cole, then ended up dying of a sudden onset of cancer a few months later. After her death, her step-father, Cole, was granted full custody of both her and her brother and his true character had begun to show. He abused both children constantly, especially six year old Danni. When she was nine, her and Jeremy ran away from home and ended up in Boston. For two years they lived on the streets, Danni making her money as a hooker and Jeremy as a drug dealer. One morning when she got home from a nights work, she found that Jeremy was gone. Missing without a trace. She fled to New York after some thugs began to rough her up a bit, blaming her for her brothers disappearance as they had lost a lot of money in the drugs he stole. She worked on and off as a hooker, eventually meeting Blake and Eli at the subway station. They offered her a place to stay and she accepted, knowing that she wouldn't last much longer on the streets alone.
Other: Her brother was never proven to be dead or alive, but a mysterious body showing up in a dumpster near where they were living. It was so badly mutilated that it was impossible to know who it was, but Danni believed it was Jeremy
Username: HollyBird24
Name: Angelina
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Appearance: Straight brown hair, light hazel almond-shaped eyes. Not short, but not tall. Thin.
Personality: Very cautious, she has apparent trust problems.
History: N/A
Other: She doesn't look much like a homeless orphan, since she has relatively clean clothing and a sharp looking appearance.
Username: chickendiva25
Again, every character has a history. Sometimes I don't add all the information about my characters right away though either (this is also for the rest of you who left out part of your forms), I like to use them a bit and see what I want them to be.
Thank you so much, you did a wonderful job.
I really agree with the history part as well, all characters should have one. That, and they should be developed and not identical to one another.
As for Anthony not being leader material, yes, I realized that and I haven't had it fixed quite yet. I'll go get that done before I confuse anyone.
Again, you've pointed out some great things I really look forward to seeing you critique again.
I would join, but since PMing is (I think, correct me if I'm wrong...) needed on this thread, I cannot.
- Thread starter
- #38
- Jan 29, 2011
- 28,280
- 61
- 343
"ShiftersRP" Critique -
This RP is about a group of teenagers who try to stop alien invasion. Sound fermiliar? Let's begin.
Try to use proper grammar.
PLOT
The great race of Sharos are taking over the planet, and only a small group of teenagers can stop it. Become one of those teens, and stop the alien invasion with the forces to be reckoned with - animals. The Sharos have been enslaved by a larger, more powerful force. A fungus that infiltrates the mind of sentient beings, like the Sharos, and humans. No-one can be trusted. Except for a small group of Sharos, who devised a method of shifting from form to form. They gave it to us, right before they were destroyed and most of the shifting tech stolen. Now, the Shifters live away from people, in a small village protected by an alien hologram, making it impossible to see from the air and drives away sentiet beings with pulses of sound that hurt the sentient brains of humans and Sharos. The Shifters have driven them off before, but the Sharos and their overlords are planning something huge...
Very interesting plot, I like that you took some time to make one. All I will say here, is that you may want to go more into depth about the Sharos-dudes.
Rules:
Humans only (So far )
All BYC rules apply
Love IS allowed, but no.. erm, innapropriate content. Besides, you're teens! Boyfriend-Girlfriend is max.
Violent battles will happen, just do NOT get gory. I don't like gore.
If you are shifted, or morphed, you CAN'T directly shift into another animal, you must become human again first.
Let the person you are fighting react, unless it's a large scale war with plenty of NPC's. Don't jus say "____ killed___ with his claws."
If you get another morph by touching an animal, I will find it and add it to your 'Morphs' section on your form.
ONE BLOW PER POST
Nice, basic rules.
These rules ahead are more morph-based.
IF you want to get another morph, all you have to do is say that "______ touched a bird and acquired its DNA" or something along the lines of that. Be creative.
You cannot be in one morph for more than 20 posts, or else you will be STUCK in that morph. If you get close to it, you will be warned that you are 'getting close to the 2 hour mark.' Try to get to a safe place before 'demorphing.'
NO SPELLS. It's only Alien Tech that allows us to do this. In other words, we're normal. We just have alien tech in us.
You can be any age as long as it is in the teens or pre-teens (11-12). Kids cannot go to war with aliens, and adults think of making peace with a race wanting to take over the planet and enslave us all.
And most of all, HAVE FUN
PM your form to me:
Name:
Gender:
Rank:
Appearance:
Age:
Personality:
Morphs (Max 3 in he beginning):
Other:
BYC Username:
Please completely fill this form out, other than other.
Ranks:
Leaders (Only two, boy and girl.) (TAKEN)
Warriors (Use their morphs for battle purposes only.) (4 spots left, then you need to work up from Apprentice or Newbie)
Healer (Usually doesn't morph, unless it's for getting something high up or in a small place.) (1 spot left)
Apprentice (Has been around for a while, and is being taught by a Warrior or Healer about battle strategies, morphing/shifting techniques, etc.) (Make as many as you want, but MUST have a supervisor)
Newbie (Just got into the Shifters forces, usually early teens or even pre-teens.) (As many as you want, but inexperienced)
After 2 weeks of being a Newbie, you can advance to Apprentice, and after 2 months, Warrior or succeed the original Healer.
Speech:
You cannot talk while you are shifted, only thought speak
<This is thought speech,>
"And this is regular speech"
When you put this in, it's just thinking.
Villans:
Vorlochs: 7-foot tall squids with four thick legs, made of rock hard muscle. The other six tentacles have sharp hooks and blades on the inside of their tentacles. Their heads are vulnerable, think of a horizontal squid on four thick legs.
Sharos: Large beings with four eyes, large wings, vulture-like beaks, tails, arms, and raptor-like foot claws. They have yellow bodies, and bioluminescent quills on their heads, and spots on their sides, arms, legs, and tails that can be dimmed or brightened to their liking.
Xennorgs: Large blue worms with four eyes spaced evenly around its mouth, and 7 rows of teeth. That's really all they are, massive worms with 7 rows of teeth. But they're deadly.
Good idea.
Characters:
Leaders:
Name: Nikki
Gender: Female
Rank: Leader
Appearance: Is a pretty girl with black hair and hazel eyes.
Age: 16
Personality: Is friendly and sweet, but does have a temper if its called into play.
Morphs (Max 3 in the beginning): Dolphin for seas, hawk for the skies, and thoroughbred horse for ground.
Other: None
BYC Username: OwlLover
This is a bit basic, and could use a bit of tuning up. She seems a little too perfect for her own good. Remember, flaws are what make characters fun and interesting to play.
Name: James
Gender: Male
Rank: Leader
Appearance: Tall, has thick dark brown hair, deep blue eyes, clean shaven.
Age: 17
Personality: Kind, frank, heroic and brave in battle.
Morphs (Max 3 in the beginning): A huge black falcon, a lion, and a giant black horse.
Other: N/A
BYC Username: LittleLady98
See above.
LittleLady, I've noticed almost every single character that you have is the same. They're attractive and only have good qualities. You really, really need to add some more depth into them.
Warriors:
Name: Shamal
Gender: M
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: A tall, black haired teen with a scar over his left cheekbone. He also has hazel coloured eyes.
Age: 17
Personality: He is smart and funny. But no-one laughs at him on the battlefield. His Bull morph slays Vorlochs left and right.
Morphs: Bull, Gerbil, and Orang-utan
Other: He has a crush on Deyona.
BYC Username: SuperChickenDude327
This one's a little better.
Name: Deyona
Gender: F
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: She is tall with long blonde hair. She also has a nice smile and perfect teeth. Her eyes are pale blue, almost grey.
Age: 18
Personality: She likes to laugh, her favourite food is spaghetti, and she doesn't like grasshoppers or ants.
Morphs: Grizzly Bear, Hawk, American Goldfinch, and Alligator
Other: She is only 2 months older than Shamal, and has a crush on him.
BYC Username: SuperChickenDude327
See what I said under OwlLover's form.
Name: Jadyn
Gender: female
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: Tall, has long (mid-back) dirty blonde hair.
Age: 15
Personality: Kind, caring, but vicious in battle.
Morphs (Max 3 in the beginning): A pure white hawk, a golden Shire horse, a black panther.
Other: N/A
BYC Username: LittleLady98
See what I said under OwlLover's form, and LittleLady's form.
Name: Diana
Gender: Female
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: As a human she is tall with dark hair of a medium length which is usually kept up in a pony tail.
Age: 16
Personality: Sharp witted and clever, she is quick and agile in both human form and her morphs. Also very brave and outgoing.
Morphs (Max 3 in he beginning): Peregrine Falcon, Blue Shark, Black Panther
Other: Not one who likes to be messed with
BYC Username: HollyBird24
This one also seems okay. She's developed nicely, although it would be nice to see a flaw or two of hers up in her form. But then again, sometimes its best to get a feel for your character before you actually RP him/her.
Healer:
Apprentice:
Newbies:
Overall, this RP is put together fairly well. A few minor things could be fixed, however.
This RP is about a group of teenagers who try to stop alien invasion. Sound fermiliar? Let's begin.
Try to use proper grammar.
PLOT
The great race of Sharos are taking over the planet, and only a small group of teenagers can stop it. Become one of those teens, and stop the alien invasion with the forces to be reckoned with - animals. The Sharos have been enslaved by a larger, more powerful force. A fungus that infiltrates the mind of sentient beings, like the Sharos, and humans. No-one can be trusted. Except for a small group of Sharos, who devised a method of shifting from form to form. They gave it to us, right before they were destroyed and most of the shifting tech stolen. Now, the Shifters live away from people, in a small village protected by an alien hologram, making it impossible to see from the air and drives away sentiet beings with pulses of sound that hurt the sentient brains of humans and Sharos. The Shifters have driven them off before, but the Sharos and their overlords are planning something huge...
Very interesting plot, I like that you took some time to make one. All I will say here, is that you may want to go more into depth about the Sharos-dudes.
Rules:
Humans only (So far )
All BYC rules apply
Love IS allowed, but no.. erm, innapropriate content. Besides, you're teens! Boyfriend-Girlfriend is max.
Violent battles will happen, just do NOT get gory. I don't like gore.
If you are shifted, or morphed, you CAN'T directly shift into another animal, you must become human again first.
Let the person you are fighting react, unless it's a large scale war with plenty of NPC's. Don't jus say "____ killed___ with his claws."
If you get another morph by touching an animal, I will find it and add it to your 'Morphs' section on your form.
ONE BLOW PER POST
Nice, basic rules.
These rules ahead are more morph-based.
IF you want to get another morph, all you have to do is say that "______ touched a bird and acquired its DNA" or something along the lines of that. Be creative.
You cannot be in one morph for more than 20 posts, or else you will be STUCK in that morph. If you get close to it, you will be warned that you are 'getting close to the 2 hour mark.' Try to get to a safe place before 'demorphing.'
NO SPELLS. It's only Alien Tech that allows us to do this. In other words, we're normal. We just have alien tech in us.
You can be any age as long as it is in the teens or pre-teens (11-12). Kids cannot go to war with aliens, and adults think of making peace with a race wanting to take over the planet and enslave us all.
And most of all, HAVE FUN
PM your form to me:
Name:
Gender:
Rank:
Appearance:
Age:
Personality:
Morphs (Max 3 in he beginning):
Other:
BYC Username:
Please completely fill this form out, other than other.
Ranks:
Leaders (Only two, boy and girl.) (TAKEN)
Warriors (Use their morphs for battle purposes only.) (4 spots left, then you need to work up from Apprentice or Newbie)
Healer (Usually doesn't morph, unless it's for getting something high up or in a small place.) (1 spot left)
Apprentice (Has been around for a while, and is being taught by a Warrior or Healer about battle strategies, morphing/shifting techniques, etc.) (Make as many as you want, but MUST have a supervisor)
Newbie (Just got into the Shifters forces, usually early teens or even pre-teens.) (As many as you want, but inexperienced)
After 2 weeks of being a Newbie, you can advance to Apprentice, and after 2 months, Warrior or succeed the original Healer.
Speech:
You cannot talk while you are shifted, only thought speak
<This is thought speech,>
"And this is regular speech"
When you put this in, it's just thinking.
Villans:
Vorlochs: 7-foot tall squids with four thick legs, made of rock hard muscle. The other six tentacles have sharp hooks and blades on the inside of their tentacles. Their heads are vulnerable, think of a horizontal squid on four thick legs.
Sharos: Large beings with four eyes, large wings, vulture-like beaks, tails, arms, and raptor-like foot claws. They have yellow bodies, and bioluminescent quills on their heads, and spots on their sides, arms, legs, and tails that can be dimmed or brightened to their liking.
Xennorgs: Large blue worms with four eyes spaced evenly around its mouth, and 7 rows of teeth. That's really all they are, massive worms with 7 rows of teeth. But they're deadly.
Good idea.
Characters:
Leaders:
Name: Nikki
Gender: Female
Rank: Leader
Appearance: Is a pretty girl with black hair and hazel eyes.
Age: 16
Personality: Is friendly and sweet, but does have a temper if its called into play.
Morphs (Max 3 in the beginning): Dolphin for seas, hawk for the skies, and thoroughbred horse for ground.
Other: None
BYC Username: OwlLover
This is a bit basic, and could use a bit of tuning up. She seems a little too perfect for her own good. Remember, flaws are what make characters fun and interesting to play.
Name: James
Gender: Male
Rank: Leader
Appearance: Tall, has thick dark brown hair, deep blue eyes, clean shaven.
Age: 17
Personality: Kind, frank, heroic and brave in battle.
Morphs (Max 3 in the beginning): A huge black falcon, a lion, and a giant black horse.
Other: N/A
BYC Username: LittleLady98
See above.
LittleLady, I've noticed almost every single character that you have is the same. They're attractive and only have good qualities. You really, really need to add some more depth into them.
Warriors:
Name: Shamal
Gender: M
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: A tall, black haired teen with a scar over his left cheekbone. He also has hazel coloured eyes.
Age: 17
Personality: He is smart and funny. But no-one laughs at him on the battlefield. His Bull morph slays Vorlochs left and right.
Morphs: Bull, Gerbil, and Orang-utan
Other: He has a crush on Deyona.
BYC Username: SuperChickenDude327
This one's a little better.
Name: Deyona
Gender: F
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: She is tall with long blonde hair. She also has a nice smile and perfect teeth. Her eyes are pale blue, almost grey.
Age: 18
Personality: She likes to laugh, her favourite food is spaghetti, and she doesn't like grasshoppers or ants.
Morphs: Grizzly Bear, Hawk, American Goldfinch, and Alligator
Other: She is only 2 months older than Shamal, and has a crush on him.
BYC Username: SuperChickenDude327
See what I said under OwlLover's form.
Name: Jadyn
Gender: female
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: Tall, has long (mid-back) dirty blonde hair.
Age: 15
Personality: Kind, caring, but vicious in battle.
Morphs (Max 3 in the beginning): A pure white hawk, a golden Shire horse, a black panther.
Other: N/A
BYC Username: LittleLady98
See what I said under OwlLover's form, and LittleLady's form.
Name: Diana
Gender: Female
Rank: Warrior
Appearance: As a human she is tall with dark hair of a medium length which is usually kept up in a pony tail.
Age: 16
Personality: Sharp witted and clever, she is quick and agile in both human form and her morphs. Also very brave and outgoing.
Morphs (Max 3 in he beginning): Peregrine Falcon, Blue Shark, Black Panther
Other: Not one who likes to be messed with
BYC Username: HollyBird24
This one also seems okay. She's developed nicely, although it would be nice to see a flaw or two of hers up in her form. But then again, sometimes its best to get a feel for your character before you actually RP him/her.
Healer:
Apprentice:
Newbies:
Overall, this RP is put together fairly well. A few minor things could be fixed, however.
nvm, accident!!! Sorreh.
Last edited:
I would agree. Thanks for the imput.
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