This is supposed to get better, right?

[mylittlechickpea]

Well normally we do talk about things as they happen, but this kind of happened all at once. He wasn't talking, and then just flew off the handle with the email. When I do talk him about how I feel, he'll usually realize that he did fly off the wall and apologize, and not do it again for quite some time..

We've talked about his going out to sea before, and I didn't think it would be as hard as it was, and I think he just had these images in his mind of how everything was going to be and how the house would look when he got home, and even though I told him ahead of time it wasn't perfect, when he came home he just went crazy. His first and biggest complaint was "chicken poop all over the carpet" There were a couple spots. I have since gotten them up, and I have since talked to him about how unfair I think it is that unpacking all of his stuff is my responsibilty, because that's what most of the stuff laying out is. His stuff, his knick-knacks. So he's since gotten over that, and it's no longer on me to do all by myself. I'll help him when he asks.

But the whole weight thing... I'm still boiling.


Edit:

Also, a lot of the things mentioned in the original post has been talked about and resolved, even though I am still a bit hurt that he didn't want me telling my family I was getting married....

 

[debilorrah]

The weight thing and him not wanting you to tell your family and really HUGE red flags, and I hope that you are able to see that. I have to tell you - I am fat. I have been for almost 21 years, and before that I was plump. Ken and I met and not ONE time has he mentioned my weight to me. EVER. He told me today that he thinks I am always pretty, with or without makeup, first thing in the morning and after I have barfed. So I don't necessarily believe that, but the fact he would say it out loud says alot for how he feels about me.

I sense your hubby has a narrcissitic (sp?) bone going on there somewhere inside him. If your weight is important to him, even though it never changed, it makes me think he is presenting the image of someone you are not to those that have never met you.

 

[mylittlechickpea]

Another good point. He had never mentioned anything when we'd started dating, and I did lose about 30-40 pounds when he was away for that first year, basic training and A-school. And I was feeling really great about myself then, and when we got to New York, it started then. Even though I'd lost that weight, he had gained some. I know that he is "technically" over weight compared to the navy's standard, and he would get ragged on about that by his higher ups, at least that's what he said.. And he was always just so gung-ho about "Come on, let's go for a bike ride/run" I'd ride my bike and he'd run. But then it turned into, "We have to get skinny" And that's when I started speaking out, I would tell him of my accomplishments and how I lost it, and he'd still insist. And so I would get really upset and of course I'd cry. I'm a girl and my feelings were hurt. It took a while to get my point across to him, that I felt good about myself. Shoot a year before hand I'd been wearing sweatpants to work because I couldn't fit into my jeans anymore! And Now I had all these cute jeans and dresses I could wear and felt teally cute in. He finally cut it out, but when we got here, and he gained a bunch too when we'd gotten here, I didn't say anything to him. When he got back from being out to sea he lost about 20-30 pounds, even though now that he's back he's gained about half of it back. I know that I gained this weight quickly and I'm sure it's noticable, it was completely uncalled for. For him to go about that way, and say what he said, and do what he did. "He doesn't want me to be the sterotypical fat navy wife.........................." And if he doesn't think that I am good enough now, then I really don't know... I'm feeling a bit crushed thinking about it. But you're right. I should never have to put up with this. Ever.


The last boy I dated before hubs told me I was beautiful every time I saw him. Even if I'd been up puking all night long... and it got in my hair...

 

[debilorrah]

My brother and his wife have a RIDICULOUS arrangement - Neither one will ever weigh more than they did when they got married. 15 years now and they both fight it ALL the time. The time is gonna come when one loses. Stupid to say the least!!!!

Weight is not what a relationship is about. Heart, heat, passion, understanding, love (see previous post on that), patience, reaching out, allowing yourself to BE reached..... I sadly say I do not think you have these things.

 

[kla37]

I am in the process of leaving an overbearing, constantly complaining, never-does-anything, very selfish-in-a-toddler sort of way Army man myself. He was a total jerk. Always treated me like I was a complete idiot, talked down to me, lectured all the time, and was very physically abusive after awhile of just being a jackass. Best move I ever made was to just leave! Son and I are infinitely happier now, have love and support of real family, and it's just AWESOME to not live with the constant stress of walking on eggshells 24-7. I have Multiple Sclerosis and he was an ass about that to, that's when he got really abusive. Hope you work your situation out!

 

[mylittlechickpea]

I'll give him a few minutes to wind down when I pick him up tomorrow night.. But if this really is his issue, then what's said is said. I do not want to be unhappy for the next five, ten, twenty, sixty years... If he is unwilling to give and only wants to take then he can take it from someone else. I had excluded the weight issue from the letter I had written. Trying to figure out a way to bring it up without seeming like I am writing an essay based on what his email said. And I have found the words I want to use. If this is some kind of "unforgivable sin" in his eye then he can go find a skinny lady else where.

Now I haven't talked about the things I have done, and I did something pretty bad when he was out to create a lot of mis-trust. And there is nothing I can do to dis-count it, except give him my word. I don't really want to tell the world as I find it very embarrasing, however what he thinks I may have done is simply not true, although I did create the illusion for him to believe so. And I cannot un-do what has been done. If he chooses not to believe that is on him, but I have been completely honest with him about everything throughout our relationship. Except getting a tune-up on his truck, because I wanted to be useful with my own hands, but that would forgivable, I should think.

He's going back out to sea in about three-ish weeks, and I really want to find a solution or at least come to an agreement of some kind of outside help before he leaves. And if he won't agree to it, I don't want a repeat of what has happened over the last two weeks. Maybe I'll plan to be back home and let him know ahead of time and come back a few days after they get in. So he can at least get rid of the initial attitude that I'm sure he's going to come home with. But these last two weeks have really brought me down close to nothing. On top of the depression that "I though I had under control" This really sucks. That's all I can say...

kla, I'm sorry your situation didn't work out, though I am glad for you and you're son for the happiness and love you are now experiencing.

Deb, that is more than completely ridiculous with your brother and his wife, although I did get a chuckle out of it.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Chickpea, you seem very young. You also seem to lack self-confidence; maybe because you are so far away from everything familiar, and from family and friends, but also maybe your youth and inexperience and personality.


For a marriage to work, there needs to be understanding of each of your expectations, and some common goals that you work towards. You have to not just love each other, but also LIKE each other. You also have to trust each other, and that means that you each must BE trustworthy. You can't play games about it--trust is essential.

From what you have said, there will be regular and frequent times when he is away for short and longer periods. He will have expectations for when he returns and so will you. You need to talk to each other about them and make accommodations for each other--he needs to understand and respect that you are taking care of things while he is gone; you need to understand that he is probably feeling like a fish out of water when he returns.

It does not sound like he is meshing well with military life; superiors are not on the case of every junior enlistee once they are out of basic training unless they are not doing their job adequately or are displaying an inappropriate attitude.

 

[mylittlechickpea]

Ba! Have I got a target on my forehead?

Quote:
All very true, once again. He said he's got a few problems at work getting the hang of things.. He does very well on tests, but the job he is doing now is not the job that he wanted, and so he's not 100% into it. He's a nuclear reactor operator on the submarmine. And he hates it. He wanted to be an officer in aviation. His dad was pilot, and a senior chief. He always wanted to out-rank his dad and he always wanted to fly. So why he picked the job who knows how deep in the water is beyond me. Although I do think the amount of bonuses they get because the field is undermanned may have had something to do with it.

He's been trying to apply for the STA-21 program (seaman to admiral) a commisioning program. But they won't pick him up. If he'd apply to be a nuke officer he would have been in last year. But because he's been applying aviation they won't take him... He's got that "facebook envy" right now too.... Some boy he went to high school with (who's dad was an officer and went to the naval academy) just finished the officer candidate school in aviation.. I guess this boy was a total hotdog, and couldn't tie his shoes to save his life.. But somehow got recommended for ocs in basic from a command that he wasn't even a part of... And is now doing what hubby wants..

Hubby enlisted early. He ran out of money, and had too many student loans to pay off and couldn't get the money to finish his degree that he was only three classes short of... His job kind of gave him an ultimatum betweem them and school.. Kind of... But wouldn't give him the schedule that he needed for the classes that he needed. Granted it was an associates so it would have only only helped promote faster. I think a bachelors will give you officer status, but i'm not 100% on that.. So don't quote me if it's wrong info. But let me know if it is wrong...

So even in his short 25 years, he's already crusty and cranky. I guess on the subs the chiefs are a little crankier in there normal everyday life than on the surface ships. Now I've never met a surface chief, but they seem less crusty from a distance..

I went down and we had our milkshake on the pier like we always do when he's got duty. And he seems to be his normal self again. Although I still might invest in that under the pillow hatchet just in case...

He will be applying for the STA-21 program again this year. At first his chief told him he couldn't because he was new to the boat. But then they let a mechanic who came on at the same time he did apply...

Well they extended the due date for the papers so he's applying anyways. His dad met up with one of his old buddies that was a command master chief who also happens to know some random admirals. And this guy said if we go out to meet him, I guess he retired and bought a house on the island somewhere, that he'd write hubs a letter of recommendation, and give some random admirals a call to put in a good word with them and see if they may be able to do anything for him. So he's pretty stoked about that right now, I'm hoping something good comes out of it

Also a funny story, that happened back in new york. I do retarded things sometimes.. And I think hubs may have put my "untrustworthy deed" into this category, even though it's different but somewhat similar... Anyways. So I had paid $3.95 for a trial subsription to "a website".. And didn't know that if I didn't call in to cancle it they would re-charge my card. for $40..... And so hubby (bf at the time) came home and asked what i was all flustered about, and I didn't know how to tell him that i'd sign up for a trial on this site.. And then that they'd charged me!! Even more!! I was so embarassed. And I had to call these people on the phone and they knew exactly what I was looking at.... The guy told me "to be more careful next time" He still laughs at me when someone brings it up. So I'm hoping that eventually this may just get moved into that category...

I told him last night that he'd better learn to be nice or I'll make the next 60 years miserable for him, lol. I was joking. Kind of

So not to make excuses even though I am, again...

That's hubby in a nutshell, he's also got one of those awkward not good at socializing personalities, whereas I seem to be more outgoing and needy and need to hear "I love you"'s more than he does. A deep fried corndog means love to him...

So even though we've got our problems now, we can feel each other out. We both know when we've done something unforgivable. And although the sorries may come late, eventually what needs to be done is done and what needs to be said is said. Whether he likes it or not we do need some outside help, and I hope he still sees this.

 

[PoultryPedia]

I'm glad a number of issues from your original post have gotten worked out. It's always good when you get a view of good things going on, and it sounds like you and he both have done some communicating, compromising and pulling together.

Stay aware: Just because the female friend he's been emailing has been living lesbian does not necessarily put you and your husband in the 'safe' zone. Many people choose bisexuality in the course of their lives, and switch between male and female partners. His friend is about to lose her partner, and is likely lonely for at least emotional closeness with someone, though your husband may not have intentions of going too far...

 

[SillyChicken]

How can I put this without sounding like a big meanie? You need to step up!

Take care of yourself... learn to love yourself. As you learn to do this, you'll become a stronger woman and will be able to deal with all this more balanced and level headed. It sounds like you handle things very emotionally. Time to get a grip on it!

Set some goals for yourself that you want to achieve... for example... if you want to lose weight... set your goals to eat healthier, practice portion control, and get excersize, the weight loss will follow on it's own. Do what ever you can to quit smoking! I can't offer any suggestions on this cause I never have smoked.

Then sit down and think about action goals. What kind of tasks do you want to accomplish that day, week or month. Set up a calendar and finish those tasks. Start small so you can achieve at least one goal a day!

I'd also seek counseling for yourself on how to manage your mental health. Depression is not something you can always deal with on your own... but try to do it without drugs if you can... that always seems like an easy out to me for the Dr's to do, maybe they contribute to some of the problems you have (or I assume you do) with motivation.

Once you get control of yourself.... you'll be better prepared to deal with your DH. Some of the things he's doing sounds like he's frustrated as heck... granted taking alot of that out on you isn't right, but...... as I've told my DH before, that's his problem to sort out and deal with. Do not make it your problem... listen and be there for him... but don't allow him to take it out on you. He has no control over his life right now buy the looks of it and he's unhappy about it. He's going to find fault with everything you do. So if you are doing your part, he'll have nothing to complain about.

I'd also be trying to befriend his "girl friend"... or set some ground rules.

Keep talking, but try to stay on an even keel, don't let your emotions get the best of you. If he's expecting you to do something for him while he's gone.... make sure you at least do it... he'll start to feel like he can trust you and won't have all that pent up frustration of his work and then assuming you won't have anything accomplished when he gets home to amplifiy everything. Pull the rug out from underneath all that by being dependable!

If stuff still doesn't work out for you both, you'll be a much stronger woman, and you'll be better equiped to deal with life on your own.