This is supposed to get better, right?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by mylittlechickpea, Jul 3, 2010.

  1. mylittlechickpea

    mylittlechickpea Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Honolulu, Hawaii
    Well I have at least made a concious decision to no longer feel sorry for myself, and shoose to let the stupid things DH is saying get me down. We have been together for three years next month. We got married in January. He is in the military, and was away for the most of the beginning of our "awesome" relationship. Last April 2009 I moved 3,000 miles away from my friends and family and any support that I had to live with him.

    We love each other dearly, unfortunately we are not the greatest communicators. We had several problems with this back in New York last year. But we learned how to communicate in a good way without yelling and without put downs. We were doing awesome. We also had a bunch of other issues with the apartment we were living in that added to the stress, but that's a whole nother story for another day. But it was gross and it was depressing for both of us to be home, alone or together. But we made it through, alive, and together.

    In December, he learned that he did not receive the rank advancement that he was expecting. Uh-oh. Well he was an E3, and that meant the next place that he got his orders for he would be forced to live the barracks, and I would be out on my own. Left high and dry and probably driving my car back home to Nevada with my tail between my legs, and more than devastated. He has always had this big dream of having a huge military wedding, with a beautiful bride, with all his family coming in their uniforms, and he in his. Imaculate. In his mind. Well, rather than leaving me high and dry he suggested we "get the paperwork out of the way"... I was ecstatic. Of course I called my mom. And my brother.. And my auntie... And a friend.... Well he told me to keep it hush. Why? I'm getting married! Who do you think you are to take away my joy and make me stay hush, when I am making the biggest desicion of my life. "But it's not the wedding" he says. We can have a wedding later. I am not keeping this to myself. This is something to be shared and is a joyous moment. He thinks not. "Nobody is going to come to our wedding if they know we are already married." If they know this is something important to us and we are open and honest with our family and friends why would they not? He was afraid to tell his parents because he thought they would angry or upset or disappointed.. Quite contrary. I was not there, but he said they were very supportive, and very happy for us to make this desicison and very responsible.

    So we do it, and here we are. Six months later. Miserable. In Hawaii. Who's miserable in Hawaii? Answer me this question. I feel like he just expects me to do EVERYTHING for him. No exaggeration here. When unpacking, he didn't do anything. I do understand, yes, he is the one working, sometimes a 14 hour day, and I am not. I have finally found a super part-time gig. Super part-time as in 8 hours a week... But you know what. He told me to go out and find something to do. And I did. And I really like this one. I sell lettuce at the farmers market twice a week. Do you know how hard it is to find a job in Hawaii? That's why I sell lettuce twice a week at the farmers market... He hates it. He says it's not working towards any of my goals of being a paramedic or working in the medical field. My EMT-B license I possess means nothing here. I have to re-take the class, meaning I also can't get hired for anything using it.. My EMT is national registry. Does Hawaii recognize national registry for EMT-B? No. They do for paramedic. But not for basic. Lame? Yes. Can I do anything about it now? Not really. If I take it over, it's still another year before I have it and can use it to get a job... And then another year and a half after that to get my paramedic, which now i wouldn't even know would be accepted on the main land.. Errr....

    Well, he went on a two month "mini-deployment" and got back about two weeks ago... And all he did up until a couple days ago was tell me all the things I did wrong or didn't do, I wanted to lose some weight while he was gone, and gained about fifteen pounds while he was gone.... I had another post up about the tune-up he'd asked me to get and I tried to do it myself... And failed... But I didn't go out an pay someone to finish right away.. I waited and then forgot. And then he came home. And I wanted to clean up and organize the garage while he was gone. I didn't finish. I did get a lot done, but there is still even more than a lot to finish. And these are all his belonging so I have an even harder time trying to figure out how and where to put them that I might remember should he ask later. I got all the big things in the house and put away, and now it's just all the small things and knick knacks. And he has sooooo many and he knows each and every possesion that he owns, so throwing anything away is not an option. Again, I know that he works, more than full time, and I don't expect him to come home and jut clean clean clean clean clean. Not at all. But I would like ideas from him, maybe a trip to Target or The Home Depot together to get some kind of shelving or organizing things so that these things have a place to go. But he comes home, and because the garage is not finished, and there may or may not be a couple spots of chicken poo in the carpet, he just berates me. And tells me that I have done absolutely nothing these last two months. Except sit around and spend all of HIS money. The whole week and half before came home I was so stressed out and not sleeping not eating tossing my cookies from the stress of the one moment that he's going to walk into this house and tell me what a poop-bag I am. Hoping it would be different, and it wasn't.

    I snooped yesterday. I don't think I should have, but he won't tell me what's bothering him now, and I know he talks to this one particular friend of ours. So I went into his email. And sure enough. He sent her something. Saying that he doesn't know how to "deal" with me anymore. That all I do is whine about how fat I am. That I put on A HUNDRED pounds in two months!!! 100!!!! 20 tops. I was complaining about some poop-bag friend of mine (who I am not speaking with at the moment because he's a jerk) was telling me that I was too fat to go to the beach with his "ripped and buff" army friends, and that I wanted to try stand up paddle boarding but this guy was telling me that's it's too physically strenuous for me..... He used some nicer words on the beach scenario but that was the gist of it.. That's all I said about my weight since he's been home!! And he went to write about how I don't do anything, won't work, all I do is sell my lettuce for "2 hours" a week, and that it's pointless. I have the responsibilty of a ten year old, blah blah blah, some more poop like that...

    Well last night I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel, without getting all girly and crying. I gave it to him this morning when I took him in for work. And I ended going back because he was early and wanted McDonald's so I picked him back up and we went to get breakfast. He didn't say anything about it, and when he got back out of the truck he left it on the seat. I told him how incredibly unfair it is for him to just expect me to do things, EVERYTHING. I don't mind if he asks. But when he just expects it to be done without saying anything, I have a problem with that. And the way he talks to me, not even to me anymore. AT me. He talks at me, and yells. And I don't appreciate. I think he is trying to be a controller, and that's not what I signed up for. I do understand that when he goes to work everyday, that's how his higher ups talk to him. And being out for two months and that's all you hear, I'm sure he's miserable, too. But he needs to make a more consious effort to not bring that home. I am his wife. I do not work on the boat with him, nor am I one the guys. And I not going to sit there and feel bad for myself anymore because I didn't do something well enough to please my man. That's not what this is about, and if he doesn't understand that, I'll go home. I am not a meak individual nor do I want to become one. I am not going to let myself get down because of this. I have clinical depression, and it is sometimes harder for me to see what's going on around me, and I'll let things happen and get sucked down into my feelings of despair. But not anymore, I am going to make a consious decision to do something for me everyday.

    I will talk to him about this tomorrow, and I will let you all know how it goes. But I am not going to let him brush off my letter and my feelings. We have been through this before but not to this extent. And we hadn't "signed our papers" yet. I love him. And I want to make this work. But if he is not going to change anything or try to be more understanding then it won't. And I will move on. But that is not what I want. But if he can't even tell me, his wife, how he is feeling, instead of telling friends, then it will not. I talk to my friends too. But I get advice from the ones who have been through this before. Other military wives. Not a friend from back home who has no idea what I am going through and is going to say what he wants to hear to make him feel better. My friend's husband says I should get hot and skinny and sexy and then leave. I did make a point to him that I am the same size now as when we started dating three years ago. The dress I wore on our first date I wore out to dinner when he came home. I didn't gain no hundred pounds.
     
  2. Brindlebtch

    Brindlebtch Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 15, 2009
    Texas
    I am so sorry you are going through this. [​IMG] I have been married for 23 years and my husband was on offshore rotation for the first 12. When he got a job in the office and I got laid off from my full time job, even though I had and still have a part time job, we have had many confrontations a lot like yours. When he was offshore I took care of everything, the house was perfect, I had a full time and a part time job and he was treated like a king when he was home. I did everything, absolutely everything, for over a decade. Everything worked great until he came onshore.

    It must be a lot harder for you because you are in a strange place without a lot of friends or any kind of support network, and you are depressed. It is harder getting things done when you are depressed. Do not hesitate to speak to a Dr. and get medication if you feel you need it. I certainly needed antidepressants after MY husband started living at home all the time.

    The only thing I can tell you is don't believe what he says about you. You are still the person you always were, no matter what he says. You just need to work out the kinks in your life right now. Moving and marriage is a big change.

    It might be a good thing to get some marriage counseling from a professional that deals with military families.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2010
  3. slackwater

    slackwater Chillin' With My Peeps

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    SoMD
    Ugh. Marriages are hard...military life can make them next to impossible. Moving people away from their communities, support systems...and then, once they have re-built it all back up, moving them again. It's enough to drive any grown person mad, and their loved ones, too. Not saying that that is the cause of your issues...but it's certainly not helping. And your DH's being passed over for the promotion is probably eating at him and he's taking it out on you.

    Can you contact the MWR-type people on base? They should be able to point you in the direction of family support services.
     
  4. mylittlechickpea

    mylittlechickpea Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 2, 2010
    Honolulu, Hawaii
    I was on antidepressants before he left and I stopped taking them when he left, and I was doing very well, until he came back home... So I guess it's time to go back to the doctor, bleh. He did end up getting his advancement, only now he is upset that he won't be getting his raise to go with that until next March. Eek! Oh, well. But now it's why couldn't I get this last November?

    I had found a full time job at the hospital, a really good one, within two months of arriving in New York. And so he might be thinking that now I'm just being lazy, but I've looked!! Can't find anything..

    And we are also from two very seperate upbringings which I know is also making things harder. His dad was also in the navy for 24 years or something like that. Though he retired when DH was younger, but that was still a big a part of his upbringing, he didn't have to go to 12 different schools in 12 years, but everything was structured and had to be done a certain way, the right way. He had to do his laundry when he 6, when he could reach the controls. Things were earned, his family is also catholic, he is non-practicing, but those traditional marriage value are still instilled in his mind.

    My mother was divorced from my biological when she was pregnant with me. We lived with my grandparents until I was about 3, I remember a lot of it, and then she got an apartment on her own, met my my dad now. We moved into a house with him when I was 4 they were married a year later. I never had to do anything for myself. My mom cleaned my room, did my laundry, i had a huge argument with her when I was 19 because i told her to stop doing my laundry and she didn't want to... She did everything in her power to get me to stay. Forever.

    And so being thrust out into the world so far from everything I know and just being expected to do everything, is not really working for me.... Back in New York when we were having these issues my mom said she wanted to fly out to help me out and clean my house.... This is what I know, and I am still trying to learn otherwise.

    We both have said we want to talk to a counselor. And I don't know why this hasn't happened yet, but before he goes back out again at the end of this month maybe we can fit that in. Or he'll only be be out for another two months and we can do it when he get's back.. But we both know that we need help. They have a couples weekend once a month you can sign up for and they have seminars about getting along and communicating and they have a counselor to speak with, and I need to call and find out when the next one is. He would need to ask his chief for the weekend off though if it doesn't fall on his open one, and i think he might be afraid to show weakness, and not want to ask.. I might be able to kanoodle him into asking. After all whats the worse that can happen, we're already pretty near the bottom of the lake..
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2010
  5. Sonoran Silkies

    Sonoran Silkies Flock Mistress

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    Tempe, Arizona
    First of all, have you made contact with other wives in his unit? That is the beginning of a support system for you. You both need to know what each of you expects from each other, and the expectations on both sides need to be based upon a mutually set plan, not one of you dictating to the other. Your weight is none of his business other than his concern for your health. If you choose to organize his tools, do it your way, and what makes sense to you. If he isn't up for that, then he can do the task himself. I do think that asking your mother to come might be a good idea, you need to couch it in terms of "Mom, I don't want you to come clean for me, I want you to teach me HOW to clean." I think you need help in learning how to organize your life and being self-confident. If your mom won't help teach you the skills to be independent, then having her visit is probably not your best plan, though.

    I would guess that his late promotion is at least partially due to his attitude; the attitude one shows one's spouse is certain to be evident in job related matters as well. As to not having employment, I do know that Hawaii is expensive, and yes, a LOT of people do get tired of it--there is only so much island. All over the country finding jobs is difficult. If you need training, consider taking it; the military has many programs available, including for dependants--take advantage. If you need something to fill your time, find some volunteer work that you will enjoy.

    If you want to participate in a Marriage Encounter weekend, get the schedule, and give your husband a list of the next several, not just a single choice. Meeting with a marriage counselor doesn't just happen, so if you both have expressed a want and need, then call and make an appointment.

    For communicationg, the most important things you can do are to tell him your feelings and expectations. You also need to learn to say "no" when he asks or expects something that you do not feel able or willing to accomplish. And when your upbringing stypes clash, there is not right way and wrong way, it is just two different ways that are not meshing, so you need to create a third that takes into account the needs and feelings of each of you.
     
  6. chickensducks&agoose

    chickensducks&agoose Chillin' With My Peeps

    The fact that he's emailing a female 'friend' about how fat you are, and lazy..... makes me want a divorce right now. If I EVER caught my husband complaining about me to another woman, It'd be over.
     
  7. SunChick

    SunChick Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Bel Air, Maryland
    chickensducks&agoose :

    The fact that he's emailing a female 'friend' about how fat you are, and lazy..... makes me want a divorce right now. If I EVER caught my husband complaining about me to another woman, It'd be over.

    I agree, I would nip that in the bud right away. I had a "friend" that I became friends with when I took a few classes at my ex-husbands college and she was my ex'husband's lab student (she was in college and married), found out later she played friend to both of us and after our divorce he was fooling around with her (she was still married). I also found out about how she had to room with him at a conference because the hotel "lost" her reservations, I found that out after my divorce from another person that this occured during our marriage. I think she had always wanted my life and his attention now that I look back at it. Female friends with married male friends can get dicey if they start blurring the lines.​
     
  8. teach1rusl

    teach1rusl Love My Chickens

    Hon...get to a chaplain or whatever counseling services they offer for military members and/or dependents. MAKE the time. This isn't a "we're going to try to get to it" kind of thing...this is your priority (or should be). Unless you've been there personally, most folks don't realize how isolating, and how much stress and pressure there is on marriages for military men and women and their families. I never understand why people will run to the doctor pretty quickly for physical problems, but when it comes to emotional or mental well being, THAT kind of doctor (family counselor, psychologist) is avoided or put on the back burner... [​IMG]
    And as for your comment about going home with your tail between your legs...get that out of your head!! If things don't work out, they don't work out. These difficult phases you may go through in life make you stronger (though change sure hurts like hell sometimes) and helps you grow as a person. Hold your head up, no matter what happens.
     
  9. booker81

    booker81 Redneck Tech Girl

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    One thing I've learned from two marriages - love isn't enough. You can love someone with every cell of your being, but it's not enough. You need friendship, compromise, forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and a whole lot more.

    My first marriage had love, but none of the rest. By the end of the first year, I was in a hell that I didn't every think I'd succumb to. I loved him, and in his way he loved me, but instead of compromise, it was "my way or the highway", forgiveness wasn't honest, compassion gave way to judgment, and there are just some things a spouse can't accept (addictions/abuse/cheating). I filed for divorce the day after our one year anniversary, to the great relief of my friends and family - so much so that when I told my father of my decision, he gave me a phone number for a lawyer and a blank check to make sure it was done.

    No one wants to jump to that route, so I'd say at least get some good books on marriage and love - I did and do like the Dr Laura book about The Care and Feeding of a Husband (or something like that), and the Five Love Languages. I've heard that "Fireproof" movie/ book is good. Go to marriage counseling on your own, it's ok if he's not there with you - you will help yourself at the least.

    My second marriage now is to a friend I never had previously considered as a boyfriend/spouse person. We've been friends for years, and he was a friend through my relationship with my ex - heck, he was a friend through MANY of my relationships, and I was friends with his girlfriends. I don't know why I didn't consider him - maybe I just knew him too well. He's still my best friend - the marriage is just icing on a pretty awesome cake.

    Good luck!
     
  10. Sir Birdaholic

    Sir Birdaholic Night Knight

    As soon as he gets home, show him this thread, & if that doesn't work, leave. No relationship is better than a miserable one!
     

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