This is supposed to get better, right?

[turney31]

Hey chickpea,
A website you might find helpful and fun is FlyLady. You can learn about organizing and cleaning. She makes it fun!

Micah

 

[love_a_duck]

chickensducks&agoose :

The fact that he's emailing a female 'friend' about how fat you are, and lazy..... makes me want a divorce right now. If I EVER caught my husband complaining about me to another woman, It'd be over.

Agreed x 2!

mylittlechickpea,
i am sorry you are dealing with this mess. he sounds like a control freak to me.
he doesnt even seem to like you very much or the way you do things.
i have a major depressive disorder, and once i found a medication that worked for me, i stick with it.
just because you think you are feeling better, you will fall into the abyss again, and if your condition is chronic,
it could be a longer, harder crawl back out. I speak from experience about this.

if you are feeling depressed, and you have a husband who doesnt care or understand, you need outside help.
since you are married to him now, i suggest you make an appointment for yourself at the military hospital facility.
first talk to a psychiatrist to get some meds, and then ask for therapy. please do this for yourself.

i have read alot of your posts chickpea, and you are a sweet, kind, thoughtful woman.
you can get your depression under control, and once that is done, you will be able to adjust your life to your liking.
not to a man who would dare discuss your weight to another woman.

i support you.

please pm me if i can help at all.

Beth

oh, i was in the Army for 9 years.​

 

[mylittlechickpea]

Thanks everyone for all your kind words and support. I'm about to go pick up jerk face from work in a little while. It does bother me that he's going to go talk to his friend about my turning into a wildebeest. In his email he claims that he has tried to be supportive and suggested weight watchers or personal trainers, and while he did suggest them it was not so supportive, I know how to eat, does that mean I do it... Not lately, and I know how to work out to see the results that I want, but when you lose your gym buddies, it's not as easy to go. They won't know if I missed a day, so I think I'll take it off kind of deal, well they were away for a month, and so of course I was too, and of course in his eye that means I don't care about my appearances, and the fact that I know very well how to take care of myself and am letting it slip mean I simply don't care and I am lazy in his eye... Well, Though I may still be depressed I am strong, and I will go back to my doctor and back to my counselor this week. and I will find a counselor or call the chaplain for the two of us.

I don't want to make excuses for jerkface but he seems to have a harder time than most to see from someone else's perspective, and to put there shoes on. He's incredibly smart he's nuclear reactor operator... He just seems to be missing compassion. And that's sad. For him, and for me right now because I am in this mess. But he will never have that, and if we do not stay together i forsee him having many similar problems in the future.

I'm also a smoker. I was smoking when we got together. I have tried to quit yes, and I have quit in the past and then of course stressful events come up and I started again. Well I've been "buying my last pack" since we got to Hawaii. I know I should get patches and it would make it a hell of a lot easier, but it's not really about easier. This is something that I need to quit for myself. Not for him, not for anybody else. Me. Smoking is my issue. And because he told me to quite and I said I would try.... He expects me to just drop it the very next day, no cravings, no crankiness, just be fine with it and smoke free. It hasn't worked like that, of course, I have cut back considerably, I'm down to a couple a day.. But now I'm just lying about quitting... I never told him that I did, I said I'm working on it, which I am. Don't tell me to quit and be a hot babe at the same time. It's not going to work buddy...

To wrap this up, I am done doing things soley for him and for the purpose of trying to please him. I am going to work on me, and if he wants to help me work on us I would more than love to do so. If not, he can buy my ticket home, and I'll find a good spot to drive my sweet little car too and stay a while.

 

[NateinFL]

Quote:
I like you, you always jump in with advice for people, and its good advice too. Not sure I'd ever want to cross paths with you though lol!

 

[SallyF]

I have been married for 40 years. For 20 of it, my DH was active duty Navy. I can tell you from experience, that there are two extremely rough times in a military marriage... right before deployment (if we argue it won't hurt so much when we're separated) and right after deployment (when you have to take two completely separate lives and try to put them back together somehow). It ain't easy!!
My first piece of advice: take advantage of any counseling or support groups you can bump into. They help.
I have also suffered from depression and have been (and still am) on medication. I may cut back on the dose when things are going well, but I never quit taking it without talking to my doctor. Second recommendation: talk to a health professional about this issue.
Third piece of advice: try to work through your feelings with resorting to name calling. Neither of you deserves that. Once said, a name can never be unsaid, especially if it's been aired publicly. I hate to sound like Pollyanna but if you can quit calling him names and try to think about the good times you have had together, you will come closer to being able to work out the issues. It may make you feel better momentarily, but it (the ugly name) plants a seed in your mind, and that seed grows into a weed.
I'm not going to try to tell you to stay or go, to give up or to go on, but at one time you obviously loved one another and I hate to see you give that up unless you truly believe that's your best course. Good luck to both of you; I'll be praying for you. If you believe in a God, he loves you both.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Your husband seems super critical to me, over things that didn't bother him before

1. He says you're hugely fat, but you're the same size as when you started dating
2. He complains about your smoking, but you have always done so
3. He says you are lazy, when you are clearly depressed, and have been depressed enough to need medication.
4. He was raised to do everything himself, but now expects you to do everything.
5. He has never had to look for a job, but disparages you when you cannot find one.
6. He takes you away from home, family, job and friends; goes on with his life, getting advancements and expects you to instantly adapt and be happy.

I think there are some wildly off expectations and issues, and they don't seem to be coming from you. Only hearing one side it is hard to know, but it doesn't sound like you have changed that much, but his demands and expectations have. As you say, you are not in his command chain. You are his wife and are supposed to be his partner. I think counseling would be a good step, but he needs to realize his attitudes are the problem.

 

[redhen]

*sigh* That man would NOT be a happy camper if I was his wife...

 

[mylittlechickpea]

Micah, I forgot to thank you for your link. I checked it out, and it seems pretty neat. I'll def have to take some tips from that lady

Redhen, I know you've commented on a couple of of my previous posts. And you don't take anythign from one. Heck I'm scared of you

I admire you and I hope to be as bold as you are sooner rather than later

Sonoran Silkies and Nathowe, I have made friends with a few other wives from my hubby's boat. Although Most of the girls I've met, I would not want knowing my business..

Some of them will run you over in a heart beat without even thinking twice because they are bored, and need to create drama on someone else's account to ammuse themselves. Although, most of them are very nice, and very trustworthy, and the CO's wife is there for anything at any time. I do have a friend from back home that I have been talking to a lot lately. Her husband was in the navy for about ten years, and they had similar problems and a baby, and they didn't even like eachother. They were married because they had a kid, and "it was the right thing to do"... They have overcome there stuff, and are still together and doing good. She is my wealth of information lately.

So Friday night when he came home, I was a little weirded out. But he was being nice, so I wasn't going to complain and he offered no explanation.. Saturday he has duty, so I tokk him in the morning. I wanted to go see him at dinner time but he said it was raining.... So I didn't go. And when I picked him back up Yesterday (Sunday) morning, he was still especially cheerful. It was starting to freak me out a bit, like do I need to start sleeping with a hatchet for protection? He still offered nothing to me. I don't know if he had been talking to someone at work? Friends, chaplain, chief? I have no idea, and he won't say, so I thought maybe he was just being fake nice... And I told him this. He said it hurt his feeling that I would think he was being fake nice to me.. So I asked.. What gives? He says that he loves me very much, we're still newly weds, and we'll get the hang of it sooner or later... Really? That's it, that's all you can give me? I suppose that's a good answer, but I would still like to know where it came from...

We went over to see the uncles and grandpa yesterday. His one uncle is very quiet, he seems to just take it all in, and whenever I see him I talk his ear off. Well we were outside talking with the quiet uncle, and I "casually" mentioned my farmers market gig when hubby wasn't talking. And uncle said all the good for you stuff. You know, how hard it is to job and so it's good that even though this is ten hours a week it's ten hours a week that I'm earning something, and if youlike it then do it.. I only said something because I know my hubby is still not 100% okay with it and thinks I can find something better, so to have someone that he likes all the time, and looks up to this guys and take what he says at face value to say it's a good thing I'm hoping to just kind of get my point across a little more.

We went to dinner with a friend, saw the fireworks. They were awesome!! I've never been so close to firework ever, they were setting them off of the same peir my hubby's boat is parked on so it kind of looked like the sub was shooting them off

It was neat.

So I'm still not sure what turned his head around, but I still want to talk with someone who can help us out long term and there are plenty of resources here to get a hold of. But for now, even though I'm really confused I'm not down in the pooper...

 

[redhen]

Dont look a gift horse in the mouth...
What i mean is: If hes being good to you... ACCEPT it for what it is at the moment. Enjoy it... and be nice back to him.... Do your best to get along with him IF hes treating you right.
You never know... he may be "getting it" and maybe he wants to change and support you more and treat you better.....maybe that letter made him think about the way hes been treating you?
or maybe hes simply in a good mood...
but either way... dont say you think that hes being fake.... because then he will get bitter about it..and then not want to even bother trying.... Know what i mean??

All i can say is.. do NOT take any disrespect from him anymore... he needs to know that you are REALLY serious. He'll only treat you the way that you ALLOW him to treat you...
If he knows that you wont tolerate his crap anymore...and that you really, really mean it... if he truly loves you and dosent want to lose you..he WILL make an effort.
The thing is: You HAVE to be prepared to back up what you tell him.... or dont even bother saying anything... it will be pointless.

BUT on another note.. ... IF he is treating you good at the moment and acting happy.. enjoy it and treat him the same way...
Good luck!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

A lot of time people's emotions and mood from one thing carry over to another, so things may be going well at work and that is a part of why he is in a good mood. Accept it for what it is worth. And just as you have spoken to us and your friend, he may have spoken to other navy folks and gotten their perspective on meshing on-vs off-duty lives together. Do pursue counseling and do maintain social relationships with the other wives (excluding the ones who seem like gossipy troublemakers).