trying really hard to get over this, but

[pinkchick]

One of my older siblings is ... well......uummm.......very dependent on my parents, this sibling believes that they are more entitled than the rest of us, mind you I LOVE my sibling and I have helped this family member out many times in the past, this sibling has always struggled $$ wise, kid problems, cars, work, etc.
My sibling is very capable, talented, smart, generous, funny, and educated, but, for the last 22 years has relied heavily upon my parents and my parents will make sure every need is met. My parents recently bought this family member a VERY NICE, several acre piece of land with a home, next door to their property. My sibling contributes nothing.

I have strong feelings about this in a way that I cannot explain and although my family is VERY CLOSE, it is ONE thing that is not discussed.

 

[chickenpiedpiper]

Rhett&SarahsMom :

Quote:
I am afraid of that happening to my daughter. For the last 6 years she has been the only grandchild. But sadly she was born to the second favorite daughter. I am hoping that they dont cancel Feb vacation so that she can get at least a few days with grandma before "Susie Baby" baby arrives.
And she really loves spending time with my mom. Which is going to make this harder on the kid.
I wish that I could say that this wont happen... but I know my mom better than that. And todays grand event just nailed it down

Ok, you are and adult, and your mom is an adult, if you want this behavior of hers to stop, and not further affect your child, than YOU need to 'have the talk' I would be willing to bet every one of my chickens, that she is totally clueless, or even has justified it somehow by telling herself that you dont like big shindigs, or some other such nonsense. Bottom line, no one is a mind reader, and will not know that they have hurt your feelings unless you tell them!

Dont go in armed for bear, this is not a confrontation, it is a baring of your soul. Go in with a box of tissues, and start with the statement, 'Mom, I am really hurting right now, and we need to talk.....' this conversation needs to be all about you, and your feelings, NOT about her or her actions, that is accusatory, and will just start a fight. Telling anyone, young or old, that they hurt your feelings immediately puts you in the drivers seat, make sure you have your path mapped out, and your goal clearly in your mind.

You are not looking to hurt her back, just to make the future better for everyone! Breathe, make a list, get past the anger, and back to the real base feeling, which is hurt. Vent with us, thats what we are here for!

Good Luck, my thoughts are with you!​

 

[sunnychooks]

I read the post about you being your dad's favorite and about the fact that at one point in the marriage he cheated on your mom. I'm by no means a professional, but is it possible that you are so much a reminder of your dad that she transfers her anger/bitterness she still may be harboring about the affair onto you? Your mom may have baggage that you never even suspected. You forgave your dad, but are you sure your mom did? Or did she stay with him because other reasons? This is just a thought, but this may not even be about you (although, as I explained in my previous post, I know how it hurts).
I'm also rethinking my first advice about not talking to your mom. You've received some good advice here about how to go about it.
I wish you luck with however you decide to handle this.

 

[Lmarie]

I'm so sorry!

I totally feel you on that one, except I was the daughter that got replaced...So I know how that goes..But remember nobody can love your daughter like you can!!
I hope things look up for you!
Lauren

 

[BayCityBabe]

Quote:
I love this thought! It is all about cutting the people you love a little slack. These parties are often about showing people what a fancy event you can throw. Maybe Mom felt bad/cheap about yours & just wanted to show her lady-friends a better time...

 

[Hen'nbiddies]

Good words chickenpied piper. The purpose of a talk is not to hurt the other person but to express how you feel and try to resolve the situation. A little prayer first goes a long way too.

 

[JennsPeeps]

I agree w/ chickenpiedpiper's advice. This is sound advice, and very thoughtful.

My advice adds:

1. To prepare, try role-playing with your husband. Play both yourself and your mother. It'll help you know what to say and practice saying it out loud so that you're not trying to figure out how to get it all out.

2. Tell her what you want: request an action or behavior from her that can be measured. Rather than say, "I want you to pay more attention to my child", say "I'd like for you to contact my child x times per week" or "It would mean so much to me and to my child if you spent the same amount of time and money on my family as you do for my sister's". Be specific. When you set goals for the behavior, you can "measure" them.

3. "Reward" your mom when she does what you've asked. Figure out what a potential "reward" could be: thank you, a note, eggs, ??? This sounds like bribery but it's class behavior conditioning: reward the behaviors you're trying to reinforce and ignore those that you don't want to occur.

4. Prepare yourself for the "what-if" scenario. What if she says, "your sister needes this more than you". What if she doesn't change? How will you know and how will you react?

5. Accept that the only actions and feelings you can change are your own.

-----
My mom's mom has been playing favorites for years. At her recent 92nd birthday, so told my cousin that our grandfather had favored her when he was dying (1990). This cousin was a young teen at the time and struggling with drug abuse. I know that my grandfather ached for her troubles but that he didn't favor any grandchild. It was hurtful to me to hear this, 18 years later, not because it was true, but because it's likely more a reflection of my grandma's current mindset than the reality. She doesn't treat my branch of the family tree in the same way she treats my uncle & aunt and their kids.

It stinks. It's unfair. It's hurtful.

But I cannot change her behavior, so I live my life as I see fit. I wish I could have a different relationship with her than I do, but I don't, and that won't change. I can, however, decide not to let it bring me down. I'm doign my best to live that decision, and so can you with your own situation.

Good luck to you. Please keep us posted on how it goes. We'll all be pulling for you!

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

Quote:
She stayed with him because it was the "Catholic" thing to do.

Yet another reason I left the Roman catholic church.

They were better friends after the divorce than they were when they were married. And my sister and I have the same father, so one would think if she were taking "dad" out on me she would at least share that equally. I dont know. Maybe my sister is everything my mom wanted to be when she was younger.
My sister is very athletic and is very beautiful. But she is a royal b*tch. She HAS to be the center of attention at EVERY event. You should have seen her at my wedding!

*Gonna be a shock to her system when the baby is the center,not her*