trying really hard to get over this, but

[Hen'nbiddies]

It is not silly it is painful. You can't change them but maybe it would help to talk with someone outside your family. Do you have a pastor (not the just suck it up preachy kind) or some kind of counselor that you could talk to. Time won't make it go away it will just grow with more hurts. My husband went through this in his relationship with his dad but got some good advice on how to handle the hurt.

 

[Farmer Kitty]

I can understand. I'm so glad DH's father never knew either of our girls. All he was for was the male grandchild that would carry the family name. The rest he didn't care about. I would have heard about the fact that they are both girls and won't carry on the family name. I have heard it from his sisters. The, "now that you have a girl, don't you hope this one's a boy?" "You have two girls are you going to try for a boy?" I had fun telling them that DH and I both wanted girls! Struck them silent. We were just happy to have them healthy and happy. Boy or girl didn't matter to us.

Find something that you can say that won't be mean but, throws them off and silents them, even if it's only temporary.

And let your daughter know you love her.

 

[sunnychooks]

I don't think I would talk to your mom. If she has always played favorites and never saw anything wrong with it she probably won't be able to change her behavior now. She may even become defensive about it (I don't know your mom so I can't say for sure) in which case you'll end up looking jeolous and petty.
We also had a "favorite" in my family. My oldest brother could do no wrong. My other brother and I were constantly being compared to him and the kicker was that he never achieved much of anything! He is in his 60's now and makes his living as a second-rate musician working in "oldies" bands. My parents alway treated him as if he was a superstar and he believed them!

When my parents grew older they were constantly lending (giving) him money and he and his family were always freeloading. My dad died suddenly and my mom passed away 15 weeks later. During the time my mom was ill he seemed to always have an excuse why he couldn't be there. My other brother was flying in from Colorado every two weeks or so, and I actually closed my business to be able to be at the hospital/nursing home so she would not be alone. I know my dad knew what my brother was all about, but my mom's eyes were opened in her last few weeks. I wished that wasn't the case. It makes me even more bitter to think that she had to have that realization just before she died. I haven't spoken to my brother in about 3 or 4 years and it doesn't bother me one bit.
It sounds as if your dad may be on to what's happening since he spent time with you while your mom was busy with "Susie". Perhaps you can arrange to have your dad spend some "special time" with your daughter as she's growing up. At least she will be close to one grandparent.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

I think it stems from when my sister was a baby/toddler

she once got into a bottle of baby aspirin and ate most of the bottle. My dad was home(rare occasion since he was Navy) and took her to the ER.
From what I gather my mom didnt hear from him for HOURS and didnt know whether my sister was dead or alive. She lived.
Then there was the time my dad left the circular saw out in the lving room and toddler sis fell and cut really close to her eye. Had to wear a patch for a while.
As she got older it became her friends that got really sick(luekemia (sp) ) Her best friend was killed by a drunk driver the night of their confirmation.
So kid sister has always been the "needy" one. The more demanding one.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table playing with crayons when I was a kid. There are 4 years between us.. so I am guessing she was 3 or 4.
She wanted the crayon I was using. And I remember my mom telling me to give the crayon to Susie and I could use another color. no matter that I was using THAT COLOR! it's always been stuff like that. since birth.
My mom actually told me when I was looking at colleges that she wasnt going to be able to afford sending us both to the colleges we wanted and that I should go to a local community one so that Susie could further her education. Never mind that I had gotten a partial scholarship to a vet school. It was only partial and she couldnt send us both to college.

So I got Pell Grants etc. And went to the community college. And lived at home. And paid for the classes I wanted to take with my own money. That I got from working after classes and on weekends. Meanwhile Baby susie moved off campus after one year and had rent paid for by mommy. And got money for food etc as well.

wow. guess I am rather a bitter and hurt grump this evening. But I really cant help it

 

[moduckman]

You are the more steady of the two, more independant. Maybe it is like my situation, she never really had to worry by you and needed more by others. it still hurts though.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

Quote:
I wish I could. But he passed on back in 1994.
I was HIS favorite. LOL He had a barn built for me so that I could have my horses in the back yard. He bought me my first horse Idah.
He took time off to take me to my riding lessons. I used to go to work with him to pick up his checks And he always introduced me as "his girl"
I have his eyes. I have his high blood pressure as well LOL.
he used to send me money every month when I was in NC with my x husband. I was too call him every two days to check in. He once had the NC state police show up at my door to check on me when I hadnt been able to get to a phone in a few days. I was daddies girl. but I only remember it starting to be like that AFTER my sister turned 3. I must have been around 9 when he took me to the Newport Navy Yard to go on the aircraft carrier. I remember him arguing with my mom over taking me and not taking Sue.
My daughter has the same "elf ear" that he had.
He never got to meet my husband or my daughter.

 

[SterlingAcres]

Awww

It's not silly. I know things like this hurt, but they make us stronger and let people's true colors come out. You know?

With my first, my husband had to plan our shower. His relatives couldn't be bothered. My aunt helped him and we had a small get together with a few people. The most expensive thing I got was an $80 car seat, which I was thankful for. With my 2nd pregnancy, my parents wanted to throw a shower for me since they weren't around for the first. Virtually none of my inlaws came, because my SIL who was pregnant the same time, was having a shower the same time... They didn't even send cards, but they all managed to buy SIL something nice. Like that $300 Chicco stroller she just HAD to have because she lives in the city.

That being said... if we have another baby, we'll throw our own party for close family and friends. Some people aren't worth having emotions for because they don't share the same for you. To my inlaws, I will always be 2nd rate. To my relatives, life is too busy to be bothered. It hurts, but I'm independent and we have never asked anyone for help. We're happy with our own little family.


Now if I could just stop grump about my inlaws... we'd be set.

Hey, it's a new years resolution and I'm working on it.

 

[SpottedCrow]

So sorry Rhett&ScarlettsMom...been there done that too.

I was the "good" one. I did my homework and stayed home and did chores etc. My sister joined band like I was supposed to have done, just because we're twins, we were ALWAYS supposed to do the same things.
I got a ration of $4!+ because I took Spanish instead of French like my sister. I took Chorus instead of Band...
They wanted me to basically be like my mother with no back bone, but I got not only a backbone but a big brass set of onions...Noone has told me what to do in many years...
But I hearya...I've always hated that my sister was the favourite, but I got over it after years of stewing and festering...
It wasn't worth venting to them because it went in one ear and out the other anyways and they'd keep doing that same thing...

 

[The Chicken Lady]

One thing that I've learned is that you can't teach an adult family member how to act, but you can tell that adult adult how their actions made you feel. Whether that sinks in or not, or causes them to change their ways, will depend on the kind of person they are.

You can also choose to spend less time with people that hurt you. This may be sad, but if you're going to be hurt as much with them as without them, you might as well be away doing your own thing rather than sitting by and being tortured.

 

[Rosalind]

1. It's not silly. Your mother doesn't like you that much. That hurts at any age.

2. IMHO, she is doing this deliberately. She is a grown adult and responsible for how she behaves. She's behaving in a way that is blatantly unfair and rubs in your face (and in your daughter's face!!!) that she thinks you are a lesser person than your sister, unworthy of the same honor. She owns that behavior.

3. Your sister is grown now. It's one thing to coddle a little child, a different thing to coddle a grown adult. Surely she is not going to OD on baby aspirin at this late date. There's no need to excuse your mom's behavior--even if it's a bad habit, it's still HER bad habit.

She may or may not ever treat you nicer, that's up to her. She may say, "it's my money and I'll spend it as I darn well please," which is absolutely her right. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with her behavior. I don't know how confrontational you are, but I think your mom is overdue for a "come to jesus" talk about how her favoring your sister makes you feel, followed by a calm explanation that if she continues to treat your daughter like a second class family member, you can find more fun ways to spend your holidays.

I was always the black sheep of the family, as was DH, and we both found that relatives suddenly magically learn how to be decent after a few years of nothing more than Xmas cards. And if they don't, bear in mind that ski areas and beaches are open on holidays and there's usually at least one friend who is watching DVDs instead of visiting relatives. There really IS something nicer to do than hanging out with someone who doesn't like you.