What did you all do about your dissaproving DH?

[Rebekah]

I consider myself to be a pretty progressive modern woman... after all, my husband and I are rock n roll photographers out of NYC, not exactly bible belt material. I also completely understand and agree with what Chicks & Horses is saying. She has found contentment and happiness living in harmony with her life-mate. If there is mutual love, respect, and concern for the happiness of BOTH partners, then compromise will be painless. Like I said before, if one partner has a reasonable and thoughtful request for something to be so or not be so, then the other should be thoughtful and reasonable enough to honor it. The color red makes me cringe, so we're not painting our walls red like my husband would like. He hates onions, so I don't cook with them. Neither decision is killing either of us.

I think we're forgetting that this thread started about a woman wanting yet another chicken to add to a flock her husband already doesn't want. What's so unreasonable about him not endlessly compromising his comfort for her hobby, which undoubtedly affects the whole family because it's part of their home.

This isn't about one person being the boss over the other. And I think that attacking Chicks & Horses about saying her husband having final say is short-sighted and lacking compassion. It works for them. I'm college educated, world traveled, career woman and mother of three who has definitive and outlined roles within my marriage in order to make it work for US. We respect each other and share responsibilities, but have different jobs and roles. Sometimes I have final say, because I'm an expert on something he isn't, and vice versa.

Regardless of how anyone chooses to take care of their marriage, I think its always a bad idea to take as divisive a stance as "I'll do want I want because I can." To me, that's underhanded and insults the integrity of the idea of sharing a single life together. I gave up no dream to be married, but I have changed and made compromises for a relationship and family that brings me more joy than I thought existed.

The opposite of selfishness is compassion... not pity, but really feeling what the other feels and gaining understanding of their plight. Without compassion there is no love, and you're just housemates-not husband and wife.

 

[Ladyhawke1]

Quote:
While I appreciate this sentiment, I think that if this thread turns into a theological discussion it'll be pretty much doomed.

There is nothing theological about it. Every living thing is programed to administer its own life.

 

[Rillion]

Quote:
While it's shaky territory for us to just go on and on about what the ideal marriage is-- who can tell somebody else how their own marriage should be?-- I think people tend to cringe when someone talks about their spouse not "letting" them do something, especially if a) that thing is really not a big deal, or b) it's something they really want, or c) both. If you've already got chickens, one more is not a big deal if you're going to take care of it yourself and pay for it yourself. And clearly the OP really wants the barred rock chick for her son (not to mention, the son's desires matter too!).

Yes, marriage is all about compromise and consideration-- in both directions. There's a sex advice column by a guy named Dan Savage in which he advises people to be "GGG" to their partner-- good, giving, and game. They should be flexible (umm, I mean emotionally) and willing to do things for their partner, even if it's not what makes them most happy, if it makes their partner happy. I think that applies to marriage generally very well, and I don't think it has anything to do with gender roles-- male and female have the same responsibilities toward each other.

The things we're not willing to compromise on are deal-breakers, and also relationship breakers if pushed. If you absolutely cannot be with a man who will not tolerate having another chicken, then he's not the man for you. That sounds like a strange thing to end a relationship over to most of us, but it's not really about chickens, is it? It's about the refusal to bend, to be GGG. It's a give and take thing, something that takes most of us some practice to learn. If we don't learn it, then our relationships don't stand a good chance of lasting.

 

[gway2008]

Quote:
I'm not trying to be mean or anything but if I took your advice, I would not have anything. I'm sure there are others out there as well like me. I get what I want and if DH gets mad, he gets over it. I tell him he can be mad if he wants but it won't do any good. I do not give him a hard time though if he wants something either. We have been married 15 years and are very happy. I brought home 3 Frizzle week old chicks yesterday and he was mad for about 10 mins. Then he said, they were really cute.
JMO

 

[Rillion]

Quote:
While I appreciate this sentiment, I think that if this thread turns into a theological discussion it'll be pretty much doomed.

There is nothing theological about it. Every living thing is programed to administer its own life.

By "theological," I mean talk about who God is and what God wants, etc. Since everybody has their own opinions and none of them can be proven, such discussions tend to turn into flame wars. I don't happen to believe in a god, but I sure don't want to argue with you about it either.

 

[LA~Poulet]

I agree 100%, I assume all adults pay their own way. I wouldnt' have it any other way; financial dependence leads to control. Everyone has to make their own money.

Everyone does not, it honestly can work out well both ways. I've done it both ways (with the same husband

). Early in our marriage when we needed the income I worked FT, then moved to PT when we had 2 children, and now haven't worked in several years. "Our" money is ours, there is no "his/mine" control, or dependence. I guess I could take out a salary for childcare, financial management, cooking, housecleaning, drycleaning, etc, but that would probably leave him with very little...

 

[Ladyhawke1]

I cannot see how a marriage can be considered a happy one where one partner is always kept happy at the expense of the other. I have known those who have professed at having a happy marriage, and in fact, they shouted it from the highest mountaintops.

Then the following week, the man has blows his brains out, or has taken off with another woman. I have personally witnessed these events. These were your average everyday nice people.

In order to conform to what we think is our societies’ norms; we tell people we are happy when we are not.

 

[Rebekah]

@Rillion: I completely agree with you. I don't think we're far off from each other in our statements. However, what we may not perceive as being a big deal may be a HUGE deal to her husband. But you're probably right... there are much bigger issues at hand here.

@Ladyhawke: That's a little cynical, don't you think? I'm not shouting from the rooftops, but I certainly am happy and happy to share what works for me with others. I can guarantee that I have no desire to fit in with the norm... the norm seems pretty drone-like and bored to me.

This was a great thread... I hope that all DH's and chickens can eventually live together in peace forever and ever. Now I have to go climb over my husband's very annoying basement brewery to do the laundry {my job

}

 

[Wifezilla]

When you do something that effects your partner, I believe they have a say. This is in no way controlling, mean, subservient, etc...

It's just called respect.

 

[hikerchick]

This was a great and thought-provoking thread. I hope the OP and her husband reach some sort of mutual understanding. Threads like this are always beneficial for me to read because I have at time fallen victim to the idea that there is something wrong with me since I am not married; that maybe I should want to be married. But I have an independent streak a mile wide in me and I don't think I would be willing or able to do all the compromising that is involved in making it work. If I want chickens, I get chickens. If I want to stay in/go out/change jobs/go to school - no one can tell me that I should do otherwise. I couldn't live any other way. I would be stifled and feel like I was suffocating.

I don't know how all you married chicks do it, or why.